21. Valentin
TWENTY-ONE
Valentin
I need to bleach my fucking skin. Leno’s blood is infecting the cells and Dani doesn’t utter a word as I race through the streets. Whatever the cunt has on my family needs taking away. You get one get out of jail free card not fucking infinite. She grabs my hand as I take a corner too fast, causing the tires to screech and the small voice has me slowing down.
“Val, you’re scaring me.”
Threading our fingers together, I kiss the back of her hand in apology and ask, “Truce? Just for tonight, Dani mine. I need you to not hate me for one night.”
There’s too much shit in my head to deal with her hate right now. If I have to argue with her I’ll go beyond what she deserves and regret it for the rest of my life. She nods and squeezes my hand, pushing away her anger.It doesn’t stop the questions but she’s mine again.
“Why are you so angry? And why did he threaten Vlad?”
Telling her the truth is done without meaning and I can’t stop myself from cursing her sister .
“He caused this shit, set it up with that bitch Carly just to get one over on Vlad. I don’t know why he hates him. but he would suck a fart out of Len’s ass so it’s probably to make him happy.”
The warm hand in mine turns cold and I hold it tighter. She can’t leave again; I’m still pissed about the last time.She doesn’t speak, she already knows we hate our parents, and they hate us in return. I never used to give a fuck when I was a kid, it was just a fact of life, but ever since I held Viktor I can’t understand it. He could murder the entire city or be a weird fuck who throws shit at people, and I’d never be able to turn my back on him.
Pulling up outside the house, I ignore my current state and make sure Dani’s covered. My hoodie goes down to her knees, but I still stay behind her to make sure no one can see what doesn’t belong to them. I’m impatient and pick her up as soon as we’re through the doors. She’s silent as I lift her and throw her over my shoulder to take the stairs two at a time. I hold the back of the hoodie, so her ass is covered and go up to my floor. Everything is being ruined because of that motherfucker, the first time I brought my girl home she was supposed to be in my arms not over my shoulder. Her breathing shallows not wanting to be heard and Viktor’s door is open, making me pause.
Remembering that he’s sleeping on Vlad’s floor after his movie marathon with Inessa, I set Dani on her feet and point to my room. “I need to go do something. Shower, use whatever you want. I’ll be back, khudozhnik moya.” Cupping her face in both hands I kiss her forehead, urging her to give me this one thing, just for tonight, before I turn and go in search of the asshole who has the secrets.
Viktor’s a heavy sleeper but I soften my steps, so I don’t wake my sister-in-law as I enter his floor. Vlad’s always been a weird fuck, no one sees him eat or sleep. It’s as though he’s one of the undead and doesn’t need the things a normal human being does to sustain life. I don’t bother going to his bedroom door and knock on the door for his private office. It’s the only door in the house that is never opened by anyone else. It doesn’t matter where we’ve lived, the private office he uses for whatever the fuck he does is more sacred than the bathroom considering he’s had a full blown conversation with me while pissing.Tali snuck in one year on the annual day Vlad disappears, but he said there was nothing inside .
The door opens and he scowls at me with his hair all fucked up. He’s only in his boxers and I step back definitely not wanting to know whatever fucked up shit he’s doing to get off. His scowl drops as I ask, “What does Leno have on you?”
The man wears his crimes openly there’s nothing that he wouldn’t do. Other groups have rules about not hurting women, but I’ve seen my brother beat the shit out of a woman. I’ve seen him kill and torture with no regard for gender. Whatever the fuck he’s done is bad if it’s stopping his bloody hands.
He lowers his voice not to wake his wife and holds his hand out, gesturing for me to leave. “Downstairs, Inessa’s asleep.”
I nod my head once, my feet dragging, not wanting to be brushed aside. If he tries to pull the bullshit about being Vor, I’ll kill the cunt myself to make sure my son is safe.He follows me down not bothering to get dressed and that’s not helping the situation. He never walks around shirtless, the fact he’s in his boxers and instead of a pair of fighting shorts and t-shirt or a suit has unease crawling up my spine.
He goes to the bar and pours two drinks. There’s no dumbass comment about a tantrum and he makes it weirder by handing me one. Taking a sip, he replays whatever memory is bad enough for the monster to show emotion.
“I killed Denis and Len gave that cunt proof.”
My brother has rules regarding etiquette, it’s his way of appearing civilized when our parents are animals. Those rules disappear as he drains his whisky in one gulp. I can’t find anyone in my memory with that name and they must be extremely powerful for the proof to stop Vlad. He’s killed enough people to make a town extinct, who gives a fuck about one cunt.
Seeing my confusion, he says two words that has me dropping into the armchair.
“Dmitri’s brother.”
The psychotic cunt. Who kills the Moscow Pakhan’s brother? A suicidal idiot that’s also my brother. He couldn’t chose anyone else rather than the psychotic head of the Bratva?
“When?” My tone is hard, demanding. I don’t give a fuck who he kills but he’s my brother and he owes me an explanation when my revenge is being put on hold.
He refills his tumbler and drains it before he drops the empty glass on the bar top and becomes his usual closed off self.
“I was thirteen, I didn’t know they were recording the fights.” There’s an audible gulp and he looks away adding lower, “They recorded everything.”
I take advantage of the rare honesty. “Why?”
Vlad reverts back to keeping his secrets at my question and the twisted smile is filled with satisfaction as he says, “Because I fucking felt like it.”He nods to my hands and changes topics, slamming the gates on history. “Leno?”
My hand is fucked and there’s blood all over me. He doesn’t walk away; he takes out the first aid kit and I withhold Dani’s name.
“I was with my girl, and he was stood watching like a pervert.”
I don’t know why I expect the prick to be normal as he smirks and pats my shoulder. “Maybe don’t fuck her in public and you won’t have that problem.” His voice is low, secretive, as he stops himself and lowers into the seat opposite, giving me a promise. “You won’t have to wait long to kill him, give me a couple of months and he’s yours.”
I want to know how, but he’ll have some scheme that will see him as the winner. He always does.
He takes my hand, testing I haven’t broken anything before he wipes the blood off my knuckles and I’m a kid again. Is this how Viktor will feel when he’s older? He doesn’t have any issues and he rarely comes to me with them, but Vlad has always filled that role for all of us. My voice is weak and low while the rest of the house sleeps.
“I act like a dick, but I wouldn’t be able to do shit without you.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “You’ll be fine, I need you to stop fucking around though. You can either become a Vor through a vote or marriage. Make a choice.”
The only person I will ever crown is currently in my room masking her hate, and my brother mentions her name while I hide it.
“You gave Dani your pendant.”
My hand is cleaned up and I choose silence rather than lying to him. But it doesn’t stop the questioning look. “It was never Carly was it?” I shake my head weakly and he takes a deep breath as he stands, imparting his old ass wisdom .
“You fucked up, but I won’t force you to marry someone. Take over some of the fights and businesses then I’ll call a vote with the Vory.”
He’s a dick to everyone but there’s one thing my brother isn’t capable of, he’s never unfair and pats my shoulder before leaving. I go back to my room needing to be with my girl. She’ll probably have had enough time to work her anger back up but at least she’ll be there. I won’t have an empty bed with a memory of her but the real thing for one night. My Dani is sat on the edge of my bed wearing one of my t-shirts with a soft smile on her face as she holds a photo of Viktor from his first birthday. I can recall every little thing, even if it wasn’t the first thing I saw when I woke up every day since it was taken.It was the day we all could breathe, even Vlad relaxed and stopped pacing through my floor at night to check on him every five minutes.
She gently places it in my hand as I sit beside her and there are tears lining her lashes. “You’re a good dad.” Letting out a watery laugh and a sniffle, she adds her insult, “A shitty person, but a really good dad.”
I tilt her face up so she can’t look away from me and there’s so much longing in those pretty brown eyes.
“What’s wrong, Dani mine?”
She swipes the tears that have fallen with her knuckle and her answer is filled with regret. “I imagined this was my life, for so many years, I think it’s just hit me that it never will be.”
Picking her up, I lay on my back with her head against my chest. If I close my eyes it’s almost like we’re in my car again. I become the person I was then as I rest my lips on top of her hair.
“So did I. It’s always been you and when Vik would scream in the middle of the night or get ill, and I’d feel like I couldn’t breathe I’d lie to myself.” Looking up at me, I stroke her cheek with my thumb and voice the only thing I would change about my kid. “I don’t remember shit about Carly, so I thought there was a chance he was ours. That maybe she was covering for you and for some reason you couldn’t be with us.” My voice lowers even further as I admit, “It was the only thing that kept me going, that maybe, in some fucked up universe, I’d forgotten you and I still had you.”
It’s going to be over soon, and I press my lips to her forehead, needing the dreams to become a memory and wrap my arms around her back keeping her with me for however long I can.
The hesitant whisper is filled with equal parts confusion and disgust as she looks up at me. “I feel like my head’s going to explode, I wish you’d tell me everything.”
There’s nothing more to give her. Dani wants me to be remorseful over something I will never regret. I want her to go back in time and never leave me. We can’t win, unless one of us gives in.I attempt to bridge the gap and give her everything I’ve found out over the years.
“She said it was planned, she was going to use Tali first and I’m glad she didn’t because it would break him not to have the happy family like he’s always wanted. I don’t remember shit, but I can tell you that if I was sober I wouldn’t have fucked her.”
A pit opens up in my stomach at the thought of not having my son and I know she’ll hate me, yet I still say, “If I knew that I would have Viktor then I would, nothing would stop me making sure he exists.”
Wherever her loud thoughts have taken her forces her to sit up, abruptly smashing me in the chin with her head as she does. Her face falls and sadness fills the room as she flattens her hands on my chest.
“You said you can’t remember.” I nod. not understanding whatever’s going on in her pretty little head.
The slow voice comes out again, almost as though she’s afraid of saying the words aloud. “Did she… take advantage of you?”
I try to keep my laugh in as I hold her thighs. The only thing Carly ever took advantage of was a dealers tab, she couldn’t have overpowered me sober never mind on whatever she was on that night.I’m at peace for the first time since Dani left, and I can’t lose her. My voice comes out too low hoping she stays and actually understands as I ask, “You going to hate me for the truth?”
She’s too good and honest, refusing to lie to me.
“It depends, if the truth was that you planned to hurt me then you’ll have got what you wanted.”
I never planned any of this shit. Even now there’s been no forethought, I just do shit and fuck the consequences when they reveal themselves.Holding her face in both hands, I pull her closer so she can see my conviction if hearing it doesn’t work.
“You were the only thing I wanted, and I never would have hurt you.”
She believes me and it does fuck all to fix anything. “But you did. ”
She deflates with those three words and lays back on my chest. I rest my cheek on her crown and agree.
“But I did, and I’ll never regret it because I wouldn’t have my son otherwise.”
It’s the only mature thought I’ve ever had. In everything else I can be impulsive, reckless, selfish, and conceited. But not this, not with him.
She wraps one arm around my shoulder and stretches her other hand up to cup my face. The gentle heartbreak has me tightening my arms around her.
“I’ll give you tonight, for your truce.”
Kissing the top of her head in gratitude, I slide her off me and play the song from my dream as I hold my hand out to her. She gives me a watery laugh and wipes under her eyes before taking it.
I hold her waist, gently swaying like I promised to years ago and she loosely threads her fingers together at my nape. There’s more meaning to the title of song as she looks up at me saying it on a whisper, “This Magic Moment.”
Brushing my nose against hers, I nod and push away thoughts of tomorrow when she’ll no longer be here.
“It’s not a dress but you can still keep it.”
I don’t know if she remembers my dream, it’s never left my mind since I was fourteen. The thought of this woman being mine, my wife and everything that I need, has always been there like a phantom, haunting me and comforting me in equal measure.
She softens and lets out a shaky breath. “I’ll lie to us both one last time.” Pressing a chaste kiss to my lips, tears line her lashes as she wrecks us with a whisper, “I still love you, and I’ll never stop.”
I pick her up, so we’re eye to eye, and my arms don’t move from the back of her thighs to allow her to wrap her legs around me. My sweet Dani has gentle hands and doesn’t let go of me as I pass every lie and truth directly into her.