Chapter 5 - LUX
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LUX
“Oh, god, yes,” I groan. “That feels so good.”
Nikko snickers. “If I wasn’t standing here watching you take off that weird shirt, I’d think something very different was going on.”
“I wish something very different was going on,” I grumble, glad to be rid of the scratchy material that had been irritating me for the whole photo shoot.
I love getting to wear couture and experiment with styles, but whatever that fabric is may be an actual torture device.
We got to see some of the images, though, before they released us to get changed, and we’d looked amazing, so I guess it was worth it.
“How long do you think it would take them to notice this necklace is missing?” I ask Nikko, slipping my fingers along the long strand of pearls and intricate gold links.
He looks appalled. “You can’t just take it! I’m sure if you ask they’ll let you have it, as long as you promise to wear it somewhere or post a picture with it.”
“You’re probably right,” I agree, not mentioning that the kind of photo I’m thinking about taking with it would not be appropriate for social media. But I’d definitely send it to Kija. And suggest he replace it with another sort of pearl necklace.
“Whatever is going on in your mind right now, please stop it,” Nikko pleads, tugging a hoodie over his head. When I furrow my brows at him in curiosity, he explains, “You always get this look on your face, and I can tell you’re…”
“Horny,” I fill in for him before he can try to find a kinder word for it.
“Yeah.” He nods. “Exactly that.”
I abandon the jewelry and follow him out of the dressing room.
I’m trying to slip my feet into my boots when Chita-hyung calls to round everyone up.
He lets us know that thanks to some sort of scheduling conflict, we have the rest of the day free.
I can hear him, Lalo-hyung, and Tang-hyung quickly making plans to take advantage of bonus studio time, while Ryo-hyung announces he’s going to try a new restaurant owned by a celebrity chef who keeps asking him to visit.
Immediately, my hope is that Nikko will go see Jase, leaving me free to go back to the apartment alone.
I don’t want to miss an opportunity to hang out with him, though, if he wants to.
Not sharing a room has made me more grateful for the time we do spend together, especially when we can do it outside of work-related activities.
As soon as everyone else has scattered, he turns to me. “You want to do something?”
For a half a second, I think about telling him I have a headache or am going to nap so I can escape and try out the new toy I added to my collection just last night.
He’d offer to take care of me, but ultimately leave me alone if that’s what I said I preferred.
There’s a part of me, though, that thinks I should take advantage of the chance to have a conversation that’s been on my mind.
“Come over and we’ll order chicken?” I suggest.
“Ugh. Yes. Exactly what I was hoping for,” he admits. “I didn’t sleep much last night, so I just want to be lazy.”
I push him out the door and let one of the managers know we need a ride back to the apartment as we pass them, huddled around a monitor, looking at all of our photos.
“And why didn’t you get any rest?” I joke, even though I’m sure it’s going to be something sweet, like staying up reading poetry or video-chatting with Jase’s parents.
Nikko bites his lip, and suddenly I’m much more curious. He looks around to see if there’s anyone listening, then whispers, “Jase put a blindfold on me and teased me forever and then… yeah.”
My jaw drops in surprise at this revelation—I did not expect that very mild kink exploration from those two. I want to encourage him to keep talking, because the “yeah” part is exactly what I am desperate to know about.
The conversation changes to much less interesting things as we climb in the back of the company car with the curtained windows.
The folds of fabric are depressing, blocking our view of everything and keeping us hidden from anyone who might want to catch a glimpse of idols caught in the afternoon traffic with everyone else.
Unsurprisingly, though, I can’t help but start to wonder if Kija ever travels in one of these. If he’d put up the partition between the driver and the backseat, and let me take him on an entirely different kind of ride.
“Oh my god, you have that look again!” Nikko complains as he swats at my arm. “Do you ever think about anything else?”
I roll my eyes as we come to a stop. “Sometimes.”
He flings the door open and speedwalks toward the building, pulling out his keycard to flash it at the sensor. As we step onto the elevator, he pushes the button for my floor, and makes a face at me. “It’s your turn to order the food.”
“Done,” I announce, tapping the screen to pay as we exit to walk down the hall and I unlock the door to my apartment. “Twenty minutes.”
“Good. I’d starve to death in twenty-one.” Nikko chuckles.
He’s right behind me, kicking off his shoes at the same time and following me to my room, when I quickly realize just how relaxed I’ve gotten about my personal space since I don’t have to share it with anyone anymore.
“What the hell is all this?” Nikko yelps and I can’t even guess at which thing has caught his attention first.
Chita never comes into my bedroom, so everything that I had kept hidden while living with Nikko is just out in the open.
Everywhere.
My plugs are lined up in descending size order on my desk, the box full of restraints and various kinds of sensory play items is open on the chair. There’s also a not-insignificant number of dildos in all shapes and sizes scattered haphazardly across the foot of my bed.
“My collection?” I shrug. I’m not embarrassed about it, but I wasn’t really planning on showing it off either.
“What? Where?” Nikko sputters. “How did you even manage to get all these? When did…?”
I wait to see if he’s going to finish that sentence, but he doesn’t. “I’ve been buying stuff for years. How else was I going to practice?”
“Practice?” He looks bewildered. “Oh.”
“I don’t want to be clueless or naive when I finally get to be with… someone,” I tell him, shoving the silicone dicks to the side and sitting down. “So I bought toys. I taught myself how to not gag with a cock in my mouth and I know how much my ass can take.”
Nikko shakes his head like he’s trying to process all of this. “So you’re prepared for everything then.”
That’s just it, though. I don’t feel like I am. I’ve done as much as I can on my own, but I know there’s more to it than that. Everything I’ve done has been with one goal in mind, and now that I think there’s actually the slightest chance, I’m a little scared.
“Not really,” I mumble.
“What do you mean?” He asks, soft and quiet, folding himself up next to me and slipping his hand over mine to give it a squeeze.
“I don’t know what it’s like to have another person involved,” I say, but that’s not all. I’m afraid that despite all my bravado, when the moment comes, I’ll freeze. That it won’t matter what I’ve learned to do, I’ll choke, and not in any kind of sexy way.
Nikko pulls me into a hug, and it’s exactly what I need right now.
“I didn’t know anything before Jase. I hadn’t even tried much on my own, let alone all that you’ve done.
I loved learning with him. I still like trying new things, like we did last night.
It’s fun to figure things out with someone you care about and you trust.”
I want to tell him that’s fine for him and Jase, but I don’t think it’s the same for me.
Especially not with someone like Kija, who I’m sure has done all the things and tried stuff I can’t even imagine.
I want everything to be with him and I won’t let myself believe there’s a chance it won’t be.
“I need to know,” I tell Nikko as I sprawl across his lap.
“But it still seems like… like I don’t.”
“Maybe you don’t need to know right now.
” His other hand starts sliding through my hair.
This is not how I thought this conversation would go, with Nikko comforting me as I admit to all the things that keep me up at night.
“You can save some things for playing around when you’re with someone.
I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. ”
“Ko. You don’t understand,” I whine. It bothers me more than it should that he has experience now and I still have none.
I wonder if he’d like the idea of being the one to share some of that knowledge with me.
I turn enough to look at him with wide, hopeful eyes. “Maybe you can tell me some things.”
“Like what?” He raises an eyebrow in question. “I guess you can ask me stuff, and I might be able to answer.”
Now that I have the chance, I might as well just go for it. I am so familiar with my own touch and the synthetic feel of my toys. But there’s one thing that I wonder, all the time, every time as I finger myself open, as I ride one of the dildos. “How does it feel?”
Nikko takes a deep breath, giving himself time to think. “The most obvious way I can describe it is full. But I know you know that, if you’ve been using some of those monster toys.” He ruffles my hair as he laughs. I know he’s trying to make me feel less vulnerable and I love him for it.
“Damn right, I can take it like a champ,” I say proudly, laughing a little, too. But then I get serious again and ask what I want to know the most, whispering, “I mean, how does it feel when it’s really him inside you?”
“Ah. Like a real person and not plastic or whatever those are made of?” he clarifies.
I nod, face smooshed against him, still seeking some comfort as I lay all my most-pondered questions out for him.
“We, uh, never used condoms, so I don’t know what that’s like.
It’s just been us. I really like the way that I can feel him twitch and pulse inside me when he comes.
And that first moment where the pressure is intense and it feels like it’s too much, and it is, but in such a good way.
Like you just… let go and give in.” He pauses, like he’s remembering something very specific.
“And some positions are better than others, but I‘ve enjoyed trying to find which ones are best for both of us. My favorite is when he’s so deep I swear I can feel him, like, everywhere.”
I’m not sure I’ve ever listened to something with so much focus and attention, hanging on every word as he speaks.
He sighs, wistful. “The best part, though, I think, is how close I feel to him. It’s almost overwhelming, it’s so intimate.
The connection with him, you know, body-to-body, but also the way it makes my heart race just to have him like that.
I love the little things, like the weight of him all over me and when I can feel him breathe against me. ”
“I want that.” I want it so bad, it’s like an ache in my chest. I can truly only imagine sharing something like that with one particular person.
“I know you do, Sun. And you’ll get it. Someone who loves you and your body in all the best ways. You deserve that,” Nikko assures me.
“Thank you.” It’s all I can manage to say as I wrap my arms around his waist to give him a grateful squeeze. I’m so caught off guard by my phone vibrating in my pocket with a notification that I actually shriek and almost fall off of the bed. “Chicken’s here.”
Nikko laughs so hard he wheezes. “Well, that was a nice moment while it lasted. Let’s eat.”