Chapter 9 #2
Immediately, I’m wondering about everyone I know, everyone I work with or have any sort of regular contact with. How would they react?
I’m Kija, and this is my boyfriend.
I don’t even know what my parents would say. They didn’t hesitate to accept and embrace Jase, so I feel like that bodes well for me.
I catch myself, startled by the way I’m processing all of this. I’m thinking about it like it’s happening. Like this is my reality already.
As if Yung-Sun and I are together.
I imagine taking him home to Jeju, sitting around the table with my parents, peeling tangerines and chatting. It’s surprisingly easy to picture.
A double date with Jase and Nikko.
My heart speeds up like I’m running again, even though I’m sitting still. I think it might be fear.
The idea that I’m here, in a place of wondering what it would be like to date a guy.
Not just any guy.
Yung-Sun.
There’s just something about him that makes me curious. Makes me want to know more.
Makes me wonder.
???
“Kija!” Grace yells, stopping me in my tracks. “Watch. Out.”
I look up only to realize that if she hadn’t said something, I’d have walked right into the glass partition. “Fuck,” I mumble, because this is not the first stupid thing I’ve done today. “Uh, thanks.”
“Also,” she says, holding up a folder and gesturing toward the files in my hand. “I think you’re going to want to trade me.”
Glancing down at papers I’ve got, I can tell these are absolutely not what I need.
Striding over to Grace to make an exchange, I try to avoid eye contact.
I am extremely aware there will be an interrogation coming later, and I’m just not ready for her to start recounting all the things she’s noticed recently. “Thank you. You’re the best.”
“Oh, I know.” She leans down into my line of vision and gives me a grin. “Go get ‘em.”
As I walk down the hall toward the conference room, I think I need to do something for her.
Flowers, a spa day gift certificate, personal latte bar, maybe.
A gesture to make sure she knows how deeply I appreciate her.
She’s always saving my ass, and if she ever leaves Task Force—and me specifically—I might legitimately cry.
The last couple of days have been a comedy of errors, and honestly I’m surprised she’s held out this long before giving me hell.
I feel like my brain has been all over the place, but that’s not true—it’s only been in one place. Turning over every angle of the Yung-Sun situation.
I’m intrigued. I can’t pretend I’m not.
But is that enough to turn my whole world upside down to pursue something with him?
Is it as easy as just dating a man instead of a woman? Can that ever be simple?
And the thing that has been keeping me up at night: Does all of this change something fundamental about who I am?
I try to shake it off, taking a deep breath as I walk into the meeting with the right papers, and act like the professional I am.
??
“So, are you going to fill me in, or do I have to keep coming up with wild fantasy scenarios in my head until you finally confess?” Grace asks the moment I’m within sight again.
I laugh, stopping to sit on the edge of her desk. “Please tell me what you’ve been thinking.”
“I’ve considered many things,” she begins, as she spins her chair and leans back, tapping her fingers together. “Secret double life as a spy, obviously.”
“Obviously,” I echo. “I’d make a terrible spy.”
“Time traveller.” Her expression is so serious, I have to chuckle. “You’ve found an anomaly in the time-space continuum and now it’s up to you to save us all.”
I protest immediately. “Oh hell no. I cannot handle that kind of responsibility.”
“Not lately, that’s for sure,” Grace comments. “I’m also working on a theory about you being a sophisticated android and your operating system is glitching.”
“Does not compute,” I joke, doing my best robot voice, which is actually terrible.
“Awful.” Grace gives me an exasperated eye roll. “I know something is going on. You do not have to tell me any details, but I do need to know if you are okay.”
“I’m good, I promise,” I tell her. “And I appreciate your concern.”
“You stepped in a waste bin yesterday, Kija; it’s kind of hard to not notice something is going on,” she says.
I close my eyes, groaning. “Damn. I was really hoping you didn’t catch that.”
“Don’t know how I could have missed it.” She makes a flailing motion with her arms, which I assume is an impression of how I looked in that moment and it feels pretty accurate. “You’ll let me know if you need something, right?”
“Of course.” I give her a loose side hug before retreating to my office and flopping down on the couch.
I know I have to do something about this. I can’t keep just thinking about it—about him—and wondering what it all might mean for me.
I can take a chance or not.
Let myself see what happens.
Yung-Sun is clearly convinced we could have something.
What if he’s right?
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hear Grace’s voice again, talking about wild cards. The game changer.
Is that what I need now—to play a totally different hand?
I’m not even a card guy, but the analogy seems to fit.
If you pull an ace, you have to play it at the right time.
That much I understand. Maybe now is my time.
I can try something new and different and still be me.
This decision doesn’t have to change anything about who I am, other than who I’m dating.
As I contemplate all the mixed up feelings I’ve had lately about everything from love to loneliness, the answer feels like it’s hanging right over my head.
Dangling itself in front of my eyes.
Sliding my phone out of my pocket, I text Jase and ask if he’s available for lunch.
I need comfort food and a conversation with the only person who knows the whole story.
I’ll have to tell Grace eventually. If she doesn’t already know. I’ve wondered about the bouquet Yung-Sun brought her more than once.
Suddenly, I am aware of how much of my life he’s already a part of. How easy it would be to let him slip into the rest of the spaces.
I hear the notification and look to see Jase has responded. He can meet me in about an hour.
Jumping back up, I decide that’s just enough time to have one more soul search on my way to the restaurant.
“Grace, I’m going out. Do you want me to bring anything back for you?” I ask on my way past her desk.
“You know what I like,” she replies with a raised eyebrow that suggests I should have known better than to even consider coming back without something for her. “Tell Jase I said hi.”
“How…” I don’t even finish the question, because I don’t need an answer. I should just accept that she knows everything. “Grace, without any context, yes or no?”
“Yes,” she says, immediately. “Whatever has got you all in your head, just do it or go for it. Whichever applies. You wouldn’t be thinking about it so much if you didn’t want it.
I spend a lot of time with you, and I know how you are.
Stop trying to tell yourself you can’t or couldn’t or shouldn’t. Let yourself have it.”
I don’t know how to respond to her nailing everything so succinctly. So I nod and give her a little bow.
Forget flowers and coffee—I’m going to have to buy her a diamond.