Chapter 11
ELEVEN
KIJA
Sun blinks at me, slow, like a contented cat. The way his hair is mashed up all crazy against the pillow gives him the overall vibe of a cuddly lion.
“You should sleep,” I say, already knowing he’ll protest.
“Don’t want to,” he replies with a pout that makes me smile. “I’m not tired.”
I can’t help but laugh as he tries valiantly to stifle a yawn, fighting it until the very end. “Okay, well, I’m older than you, so maybe I’m the one who needs sleep.”
“Noooo.” His whine is exaggerated, adorable. “I want to talk to you.”
“We’ll talk tomorrow,” I promise. “Well, later today.”
“Not soon enough,” Sun grumbles, even as he pulls the covers up closer to his chin. He looks at me, eyes locked on mine. “One more thing, please.”
It’s become a familiar request. One more thing.
He wants another fact about me. Another story or piece of my history.
A memory. For every one I give, he usually shares one, too.
From the trivial and mundane to the heavy and revealing, we’ve been learning a lot about each other through these late night chats.
He’s surprised me over and over, in what he’s told me and what he’s asked.
He seems to be open to any request I have, answering honestly and easily.
I realized quickly that there was so much more to him than I had ever expected—depth and compassion and drive—that ran so much deeper than it’s possible to know from just keeping things professional.
I think for a moment, trying to come up with something interesting. I end up telling him, “I slept with a light on until I was about fourteen or fifteen. I finally stopped with the lights by the time I got to college, but still had to have the TV on.”
“What about now?” he asks, curious for more details, like always.
“Not afraid of the dark anymore,” I report proudly. Without thinking, I add, “I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone that before. I don’t think Jase even knows about that.”
Sun’s whole face lights up, like he’s delighted to have this secret about me. “Just me,” he whispers.
“Just you,” I nod, enjoying the way his eyes smile with him. And that I can be the source of that kind of happiness with something so simple. “Get some sleep.”
He sighs again, but doesn’t fight. “Sweet dreams, hyung.”
“Sweet dreams, Sun.” The video disconnects, and I flop back over into the pillows as my phone screen goes dark and takes all the light in the room with it.
I should be exhausted. Staying up late every night for the last few weeks should have worn me down, but instead I’ve been energized. Wired for most of the day, looking forward to the next time I’ll talk to him. Sometimes it’s just a phone call, other times a video. It’s what we do now.
Every night since Sun asked for my phone, put his number in my contacts under a fake name from one of his favorite characters in a book, and told me he’d be waiting to hear from me.
I think my hand was shaking the first time I pressed the call button. Afraid of what I was doing. What I was about to start. But the apprehension disappeared almost immediately, the surprise of how easy it was to talk to him taking its place.
Jase told me he had felt the same way when he started talking to Nikko beyond the basic getting-to-know-you kind of conversations. The way they jumped around from this to that, and it was never awkward.
I’m not sure it’s ever been like that for me with anyone else.
Maybe it’s because I was already at least a little bit familiar with him. Not like this, though. I’ve learned so much about him and shared more of myself than I would have expected, as evidenced by the confession of my long-held fear of the dark that I didn’t even think twice about.
Sun is intelligent, thoughtful, considerate, and really fucking funny. He’s a good listener, which I appreciate more all the time, but also doesn’t hesitate to contribute to a conversation. I’m intrigued by him—interested in everything that I’m starting to see in the bigger picture of Yung-Sun.
I like him. A lot.
As a person. Specifically as a person I would—might—date.
I dreamt about him the other night.
I kind of hope it happens again tonight.
?? ? ?
As soon as the video connects, I can tell something is wrong.
It took him longer than usual to answer—he’s usually waiting and there’s only about half a second before he appears.
Tonight, I was starting to think he wasn’t available and was about to give up, but now he’s looking at me, the light in his eyes much dimmer than I’m accustomed to. I want to fix it immediately.
“What’s wrong, Sun?” I ask, gently. While I think the physical distance has been good for us in these chats, right now I wish I was close enough to pull him into my lap. Wrap my arms around him.
He sniffles, diverts his gaze away from the phone. “Nothing.”
“I know that’s not true. Did something happen?” I sit up from the pillow I’d been lying over, contemplating getting out of bed and putting clothes back on. I know I can’t just go see him, but I want to.
There’s silence for a few moments, like he’s debating how honest he wants to be. Finally, he mumbles, “It’s my own fault,” as he rubs at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie.
I think about seeing him wrapped up in one of my sweatshirts. He’d look cute as hell, and he’d be cozy too. “Why are you sad, Sun?”
He meets my eyes for just a second, then says, “I was looking at stuff on my phone. Nikko always tells me not to, because I end up seeing things that upset me. But now I’m here in my room alone, and there’s nobody to stop me.
So I scroll, and then I catch some horrible post about me and my feelings get hurt.
It’s stupid. I know I shouldn’t do it, and I know it shouldn’t matter. But I still do it, and it still hurts.”
The urge to fight the entire internet hits me all at once.
I don’t know what was said or who said it, but I’m ready to have my Aunt Dahye curse them, their ancestors, and all future generations on Sun’s behalf.
Which is a reaction I was not prepared to have.
I take a breath, simmering down before I speak. “Sun, will you do me a favor?”
“Yeah, if I can.” He pulls some sort of plush animal to his chest, and I’m glad he’s got something to hold onto. “What is it?”
“Stay off whatever site or sites those are.” I think about adding ‘please,’ but I don’t really want to make it a suggestion. This is a request. Maybe even a demand. I need him to be more careful with himself. “Random people on the internet don’t know shit about you. And their opinions don’t count.”
His mouth drops open as though he was about to reply, but got startled before he could. I don’t think he expected me to say what I did either. “I… oh. Okay. I can try.”
“You are so much more than any anonymous asshole online will ever know. Don’t let someone else put some kind of doubt in your head by reading whatever stupid thing they commented,” I insist, gripping my phone tightly, like that might somehow emphasize my point.
“You are beautiful. You are talented. You are an incredible person. Those things are true.”
Sun lets out a shaky breath and swipes his fingers across his now pink cheeks. “Thank you, hyung,” he says, quietly, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Can I text you if I’m about to start scrolling?”
“Yes,” I agree instantly. “Text. Call. Whatever you need.”
He smiles for real now, his pretty eyes brighter—something more shining in them that I’m not sure I’ve seen before. “You’re good to me.”
“I want to be,” I admit. He deserves to hear that. Every time we talk, he draws me out a little further, and I need him to know that I’m willing to give back what I get from him. He may have been the one to pursue me, but I’m here now, in this with him.
“You’re everything I thought you were. Hoped you’d be,” he tells me, resting his chin on his hand, head tilted. He looks every bit the idol I know he is, but also a bit like a cartoon character who is looking at someone with hearts floating above his head. “Maybe more.”
I don’t know how to respond to that. To the idea that he not only had expectations of me, but that I have somehow met or even exceeded them.
I want to keep trying.
??
I can feel Jase’s eyes on me. Chita’s, too. Probably everyone else’s as well if I paid enough attention. But I’m actively trying to avoid all of the pointed looks and marginally suspicious stares.
Despite the fact that Sun and I are nowhere near each other right now—and have barely interacted all night—we seem to be the main attraction at Jase and Nikko’s housewarming get-together.
Like everybody expects us to pounce on each other and start making out on the couch, right here in the middle of it all.
Not that I hadn’t thought about it.
I definitely caught Sun looking at me more than once with a somewhat smirky expression that did suggest he might be thinking about exactly that scenario—or something even spicier—and I can’t say I wasn’t curious.
I already plan to ask him about it later, if or when we get a chance to talk, just the two of us.
I give Jase the finger from where I’m sitting, trapped by Noel on my lap, to let him know he’s not being as sneaky as he thinks he is. As if she is aware that I have somehow been rude to him, Noel turns and growls at me.
“Seriously?” I say. “You have a house full of people here to pay attention to you. Don’t give me that attitude.”
Nikko laughs as he approaches me, then scoops her up and sets her on the floor to resume frantically circling the room, overwhelmed by seeing everyone she enjoys in the same room at the same time.
I’d never admit it out loud, but I was secretly pleased she chose me to settle down with for a while, when I had always suspected I was very low on her list of favorite people.