Chapter Thirteen
chapter thirteen
PAIGE
One Month Later
“The house is beautiful.” I glance at Kira, who’s grinning happily, her hand on her belly despite her being only eight weeks along.
She said because she’s already had one baby, it’s common to show quicker, but I can’t help but wonder if maybe something is wrong with me—or maybe I’m not actually pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my OB/GYN, so I’ll find out then.
“Thank you,” Kira says. “I was surprised when Ryder suggested moving since our old place was plenty big enough for our growing family.”
“It is,” I agree, “but it’s not about the size of the house that makes it feel like a home.”
I moved more times than I could count, growing up, so I know firsthand that not every house feels like a home. Hell, the house my dad bought in Florida with his wife was the most beautiful, over-the-top house I’d ever lived in, but it never felt like home. Then again, I bought a house I loved, decorated it how I wanted, and it still doesn’t feel quite like home.
“I can’t wait to decorate the baby’s room,” Kira gushes. “I told Ryder there’s no way we’re waiting to know the gender.” She laughs, but when she glances at me, she immediately stops.
“Don’t do that,” I say. “We’re friends, and I’m so happy that you’re happy, and I don’t want you hiding it because my life is a mess.” I look from Kira to Ana. “Neither of you.”
Both women nod in understanding.
“How are you doing?” Ana asks softly.
“I’m okay,” I lie, not wanting to bring Kira and Ryder’s housewarming party down with my negativity.
“Don’t do that,” Ana says, repeating the words I just said to Kira. “You don’t want us to hide our true feelings. Well, we don’t want you to hide yours either.”
“What do you want me to say?” I choke out, my emotions getting the better of me. “I messed up. I hooked up with a stranger, and now, I’m pregnant.”
“First of all,” Ana says, “you didn’t hook up with a stranger. You met a man and fell for him. Don’t belittle the time you spent together. We’ve listened to you talk about him, and it wasn’t just a one-night stand.”
“And even if it had been,” Kira adds, “there is nothing wrong with that. After the shit your asshole of an ex pulled, you deserved to get laid.”
“Damn right she did,” Ana agrees.
“Well, it doesn’t matter what it was because the outcome is the same. I’m pregnant, and in less than six months, I’ll be a single mom.”
Tears fill my eyes, and I close them, trying to stop the liquid emotion from seeping out, but like every time I think of Nate, they spill over.
“This just isn’t how I wanted this all to go down,” I rasp. “And the worst part isn’t that I’ll be a single mom. I can handle that, especially since I have two of the best moms I know as friends.” I smile a watery smile at Kira and Ana. “It’s that Nate’s out there somewhere with no clue that there’s a baby with his DNA growing in my belly. I don’t even know if he wants to be a dad, but because of my stupidity, I took the choice away from him, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.”
Sobs rack my body as both women pull me into a hug, telling me it’s going to be okay. And I want to believe them, but right now, it feels like I’m at my lowest point. I’m emotional and terrified, and I just want to crawl under my covers and go to sleep for a long time even though I know it won’t solve anything.
My phone rings in my back pocket, and we break apart, so I can check it. I hired a PI to try to find Nate, so every time the phone rings, I rush to answer it in hopes that it’s him with some information.
“It’s my dad,” I say when I look at my phone.
“Answer it,” Ana encourages, knowing I haven’t told my dad the news yet.
He called me right after I found out, and I didn’t answer. Since then, he’s been calling every few days, but I haven’t had the courage to tell him I’m pregnant and I have no idea where the dad is. I think a part of me is afraid this might be what drives him away for good.
“Okay, I’ll meet you guys out back.”
Kira and Ryder are barbecuing, and everyone is spending the afternoon by their pool since it’s a beautiful day.
“Hey, Dad,” I say as I step outside to the front of the house. There’s a cute bench near the door, so I have a seat on it.
“Paige.” He sighs. “I’ve been worried about you.”
The way his concern sounds genuine has me flinching because we both know he doesn’t really care. And honestly, I don’t even know why he continues with these monthly calls or why I answer them.
I tell myself that he’s the last connection I have to my mom, to the family I once had, and if I cut him off completely, that will be it.
But, as I sit here, with my own baby growing in my belly—a baby I can’t fathom ever not wanting—I question why I keep allowing this cycle to continue. My mom is gone, and she heard what he said about me, so I don’t believe she’d ever fault me for completely removing him from my life.
“Paige,” he says again, snapping me from my thoughts. “Are you okay?”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out.
“Oh,” he says. “Well, congratulations. Is John excited? ”
“It’s not John’s,” I admit. “We broke up, and I was with someone else. It was an accident, but I’m still thrilled.”
And as the words leave my mouth, I realize I really do mean that. Sure, things are messy, I have no idea how to find Nate, and I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m thrilled to be a mom.
My thoughts go back to when my mom was alive and the relationship we shared. She loved me more than anything in this world, and even though my dad didn’t want me, she did, the same way I want this baby.
“Well, that’s okay,” Dad says. “As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. I know you’re busy, but I was thinking we could visit you. It’s been a long time, and I’d love to see you. And the girls would love to meet their sister.”
Soon after Kristin was born, Ashleigh came along. The girls must be close to being teenagers, and I’ve yet to spend any time with them, aside from the few times I saw Kristin when she was a baby.
I don’t get it. For a man who flat-out said he didn’t want me, why does he always do this? Why does he call and beg to see me? It doesn’t make any sense. I consider calling him out on it, but sitting on a bench in front of Kira’s new home isn’t the place to do so. I also read that stress isn’t good for the baby, so there’s that.
“I can’t,” I tell him. “Work is crazy, and now, I need to start getting ready to be a mom. And since the dad isn’t in the picture?—”
“What do you mean?” he asks. “Where is he?”
“I don’t know,” I admit truthfully. “But it doesn’t matter. I’m going to be a mom, and I need to focus on that.”
“Okay,” Dad relents. “But if you need anything…”
If I need anything, I’ll do what I’ve been doing since my mom died—handle it myself.
“Thanks,” I say. “Have a good rest of your weekend.”
“Love you,” Dad says like he always does.
But rather than say it back, like I usually do, I hang up.
Because fuck him. Fuck him for agreeing to have me when he didn’t want me. And fuck him for continuing this fake relationship for years after Mom died. He might think he’s doing right by the woman he loved, but all he’s doing is hurting me.
So, I’m done. I’m done with people who don’t want me, who don’t think I’m enough. I don’t need anyone but myself. And soon, I’ll have this baby. And that’s enough for me.
“Right there is your little one.” Dr. Mays points at the tiny, alien-looking baby on the screen, and my heart clenches in my chest because, holy shit, I’m pregnant. “And this”—she clicks a button, and a second later, a whooshing sound fills the room—“is your baby’s heartbeat.”
Ana squeezes my hand while Dr. Mays continues to go over everything about the baby, reminding me that I’m not alone as tears track down my cheeks, hitting my ears since I’m lying down.
I’m pregnant. I’m really freaking pregnant, and I’m going to be doing it alone. My thoughts go back to my time with Nate, and even though I’m missing him like crazy and I wish he were here to see this, I also love that we created this baby during our time together.
For those five days, I was enough. Every laugh, every smile, every kiss was enough. He showed me more passion during our time together than any man I’ve ever been with, and even though I’ll probably never find him, I love that I’ll get to keep a piece of our time together with me forever.
Did I want to do things properly? Of course. But there’s no point in focusing on what could’ve been. This is where I’m at, and I’m going to spend my life loving this baby the way my mom spent every day she was alive loving me.
“Are you okay?” Ana asks once the doctor has given me copies of my ultrasound and excused herself to see her next patient with the reminder to schedule my next appointment for four weeks from now.
“I’m overwhelmed and scared,” I tell her truthfully as I sit up on the medical bed. “I’m mad at myself for throwing away Nate’s number and annoyed that I’ve paid a PI to find him, yet he’s found nothing. It’s like Nate doesn’t even exist, which makes no sense”—I point at my bloated belly—“because, obviously, he does. But I’m also excited to be a mom.”
“It’s one of the best feelings in the world,” she says. “And you and Kira are only four weeks apart! This is going to be so much fun. You guys are giving me serious baby fever, so I’ll be living vicariously through you both.”
I slide off the bed and get dressed and then head out to the receptionist to make my next appointment. Since I’m exactly twelve weeks, she makes it for one month from now. When she gives me the day and time, I glance at my calendar.
“I have a meeting at eleven. Can we do it for nine?” That should be enough time for me to get to work and prep before the meeting.
“You should just take the day off,” Ana suggests.
“I can’t. It’s with that hotel we’re partnering with.”
“Oh, Bradford Hotel,” Ana says. “Julian is excited about that. He thinks it’s going to be a serious game changer if we can get the marketing right.”
“Well, that’s what you have me for.” I shoot her a playful wink, and she bumps her hip against mine.
“Damn right,” she says. “I don’t know what I would do without you, in and out of the office.”
“Good thing you’ll never have to find out.”
When I get home, I pull out the scrapbook I’ve started and put one of the images from today’s ultrasound in it. I spend the evening titling it, writing my thoughts, and decorating the page. When I was younger, Mom and I kept a scrapbook for every place we moved to. I haven’t made one since she passed away, but after finding out I was pregnant, I pulled out all the stuff and then went to the store to pick up a new book and materials.
Page one: My trip to London and the time I spent with Nate.
He might not be here, but I’ll be damned if our baby ever thinks he or she wasn’t wanted. I might not know Nate on a deeper level, but I felt his heart, and I’d like to believe that if the circumstances were different, he’d want this baby as much as I do.
Which is one reason why I’m kind of glad—okay, maybe glad isn’t the right word, more like okay —that Nate doesn’t know. If he found out and told me he didn’t want this baby, it would break my heart. So, maybe, in a way, it’s for the best that he’s not in the picture. I can pretend he would’ve wanted me and the baby and never know any different.
Ignorance is bliss, right?