Chapter 14
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Celia
Why had she thought this was a good idea?
Oh, that’s right, because she wanted to see him again.
Sex with him hadn’t been enough, so she had to put herself through the torture of having dinner with him too. At least Ruby had agreed to do it at her house. A neutral location where there was no way she’d end up in bed with him.
Against the couch in the pool house, sure. But not in bed.
No, she wasn”t going to remember that day. It was not going to happen again. He might want her, but she was sure that was just temporary. That was because she was the one who got away or some misguided notion in his head. She had to think about Jasmine and not her desire to fuck Kyle.
Jasmine was the only thing that mattered.
She’d gone this long without sex, she could go longer.
She watched as Kyle and Dallas helped Jasmine with some video game that Dallas, and apparently Kyle, loved to play. Celia had never really gotten into video games, probably because she’d had no money and a child to raise. But, Jasmine loved them and from what she could gather, she was good at them.
Kyle seemed impressed.
“He’s good with her.” Ruby came up and nudged Celia’s shoulder with her own. “And she’s taken to him so easily.”
Jasmine was an easy-going kid. When Dallas had first come into Ruby’s life, Jasmine had no problem accepting him right from the start. As if he’d always been there. For a girl who’d never had any male influences in her life, she hadn’t had any issues with it.
“He is.” That was part of the damn problem. Not that she didn”t want Jasmine to like Kyle or be comfortable with him. She just didn’t want to be replaced in her life.
“Stop worrying, Cel. It’s going to work out.”
Celia gave her sister a look of confusion. “How is it that you used to be as cynical as me and now you’re all zen and shit.”
Ruby laughed. “Love.”
It was the only word she said and it made Celia think back to her summer with Kyle. She’d loved him so much and had shut out the rest of the world. They’d spent every second they could together, laughing, talking, and just having fun. He”d always wanted to be by her side, and if they were close, he was next to her, holding her hand or touching her in some way.
She’d forgotten about everyone else and it had been just the two of them in the world.
There were no problems that couldn”t be solved, and no issues that were too big for the two of them to tackle.
Love was all they’d needed.
Love was also what had made her walk off.
Love was a fucking double-edged sword that she loathed.
But, it had also given her Jasmine. And for that, she would be forever grateful.
The game they were playing ended with Jasmine beating both Kyle and Dallas and doing a little victory dance before Dallas picked her up and pretended to slam her down in a fake wrestling move.
“Who wants dessert?” Ruby called out.
“Me!” Jasmine yelled as she ran toward them. “Mom, did you see? I beat both Uncle Dallas and Dad?”
Words stuck in Celia”s throat and she glanced up and over Jasmine to where Kyle was watching. She’d called him Dad. Something she hadn’t anticipated to happen for a while. From the look of pure shock on his face, she could tell he hadn’t expected it to happen either.
“I did, sweetie,” she said, hoping her voice was calm. “You were amazing.”
“And now I get cake!” She bounded off happily, only concerned about cake and not at all worried that her mother’s heart was about to bounce right out of her chest.
Dallas and Ruby followed Jasmine, leaving her alone with Kyle. “So that was—” Kyle stopped, unable to finish his sentence.
She did it for him. “Fast. Crazy. Unexpected.”
“Amazing.” She saw the truth in his eyes. “I haven”t even given any thought to how it would feel to have someone call me dad, so I don’t know what I was expecting. It sure as hell wasn”t like this.” His hand touched his chest right over his heart. “It might be my new favorite word.”
She understood just what he was saying. “When she said Mom for the first time, I think I smiled for days. Granted it was more like Ma, but I knew what she was saying.”
He stepped toward her but stopped before he took another step. She saw in his eyes how much he wanted to get closer, to touch her.
She wanted the same thing. The only difference was, she knew she had to stay strong.
“So I found some videos on my phone of Jasmine as a baby and I brought lots of pictures.” Talking about Jasmine was a safe topic.
“I can’t wait to see them.”
They joined everyone else in the large kitchen before she could do something stupid, like drag him to the ground and climb on top of his toned, sexy body.
She passed him her iPad where all her digital photos were stored. She’d already opened the folder. “You can swipe through those.”
“Mom said if you want, we can print some off and you can frame them to hang in your house,” Jasmine said around a bite of her cake. “Where do you live?”
“Jasmine, what did we say about talking with your mouth full?” Celia asked.
Jasmine finished chewing and swallowed. “Not to do it.”
“That’s right.”
“I’d love to have some photos of you to hang in my house. And to answer your question, I live in Arizona.”
“Is it a big house like this one? Uncle Dallas plays soccer, that’s why he has such a big house.”
Celia was mortified. “Jazz, it’s not nice to ask those sorts of questions.”
“It’s fine,” Kyle said, trying not to laugh. “Actually, I live in a condo that is not much bigger than your apartment. It’s just me, so I don’t need a lot of space.” When he spoke, he wasn”t looking at Jasmine, he was looking at her.
He was telling her this information. That he lived alone.
She tried not to hyperventilate while he went back to flipping through pictures.
“When is your birthday?” Kyle asked Jasmine.
“May twenty-third,” Jasmine proudly replied, excited that she’d remembered.
“What time was she born?” Kyle asked, only this time it was directed to her, not Jasmine.
“Middle of the night,” she answered. “Two forty-three.”
“God, that was a night,” Ruby said. “Remember how long we waited to call the doctor because you swore you weren”t in labor, even though you were doubled over in pain?”
“You were in pain?” Kyle looked stricken. “Was it bad?”
“I wasn’t in that much pain,” she said as if it was no big deal.
“You have birthing goggles on,” Ruby said.
“What the hell are birthing goggles?” Dallas asked.
“Language,” Ruby said to him, tipping her head and indicating toward Jasmine. “And birthing goggles are like beer goggles or graduation goggles. You know when you think someone is hot because you’ve had too much to drink or when you remember high school fondly because you’re graduating. It’s not real, just an illusion.”
“You wore goggles when I was born?” Jasmine asked. “Like the ones I wear when I swim?”
Celia laughed. “No, sweetie, Aunt Ruby is just being silly.” She looked back up to Kyle. “It really wasn’t that bad.”
“Says the woman who begged for an epidural as soon as we got to the hospital.” Ruby was not letting this go.
“Fine, yes, I was in pain but it wasn’t that big of a deal. Pain is part of childbirth.”
“Did you get the epidural?” Kyle asked.
“I did and after that, I was pain-free.”
She watched as he stopped on a picture of Jasmine at the hospital. “How much did she weigh?”
“Seven pounds, six ounces and she was twenty-one inches long,” she proudly stated.
“Is that good?”
His question made her realize that he probably had no clue what a small or large baby was. “She was long, obviously getting her height from you.” She pointed to Jasmine who was already pretty tall for a seven-year-old. “And her weight was a little above average. Tall and thin as you can see from the pictures.”
“No problems?” he asked.
“None at all. She liked to be awake at night those first few weeks, but Ruby and I took turns, and soon we got her on a schedule that made it easier on us.”
“Mom says I was a night owl.” Jasmine gave him a toothy grin.
He flipped through the iPad silently, looking through more photos as Celia looked on. She felt the need to speak so she started telling stories about when Jasmine was little. “She loved baths and could spend hours in there. I used to give her two a day just because she enjoyed them so much.”
He listened but didn’t say a word. “She rolled over the first time when she was thirteen weeks old.” Figuring he didn’t know when that or a lot of things were supposed to happen, she gave him more info. “The normal timeframe for a baby to roll over is between twelve and sixteen weeks old. She sat at six months, which again, is when it’s normal for babies.”
“Remember that day,” Ruby asked. “We were both sitting on the floor with her and she was leaning against me. I got up to go to the bathroom, not thinking anything about it and she continued to sit on her own.”
Celia remembered it like it was yesterday. “She just continued to play like it was no big deal.”
She’d thought these stories would make Kyle happy, but his face didn’t show happiness. He looked sad, almost miserable. She looked at her sister, hoping she saw her plead for help in her eyes.
Ruby cleared her throat. “Hey, Jazz, why don’t you come show Dallas the soccer skills you’ve been working on.”
Celia watched as the three of them exited the room, leaving her alone with Kyle. “I’m sorry this is making you sad. I thought you wanted to know these things.”
He kept his gaze on the iPad as he continued flipping through pictures. “I thought I did.” He lifted his head, his eyes meeting her gaze. “I had no idea how much I missed. I don’t know anything about her or about baby milestones or what she should or shouldn’t be doing.”
“I didn’t either if it makes you feel any better. I spent most of my pregnancy feeling sad and alone. Ruby tried to get me to read baby books, but I refused. I hated myself even though I’d chosen my life. It wasn’t until after Jasmine was born that I finally got my shit together.”
“I wish I could have been there.” His voice broke and he shook his head. “I hate that I missed all this.” He swiped a hand toward the iPad.
She started to speak, to once again apologize for the shitty thing she’d done. But he stopped her. “I know why you did it, and I think I get it. I was young. Hell, we both were. And you might be right, I might have given up everything for you and eventually resented you. That doesn’t make hearing about Jasmine’s life any easier. Knowing I could have been there, but I wasn’t given the chance.” He paused, his throat working as he swallowed several times. “I also hate that you were alone and in pain. That you had to learn how to be a mom while you were also still learning how to be an adult.”
She bit down on her bottom lip to stop herself from launching herself at him. He was being sweet and kind and her body yearned for him. Why was he being so kind to her? She’d been prepared for his anger, that she could have handled.
This version of him was not what she’d expected.
All it made her do was torture herself with what could have been.
She could have been happy this whole time. They could have been a family.
“I leave Monday for spring training,” he said, breaking her thoughts. “Until then, I’d like to spend as much time with you and Jasmine. I know she has gymnastics and you have other responsibilities, but I’ll work around any of those.”
All she could focus on was how he’d included her in who he wanted to spend time with. Not just
Jasmine.
Her heart was cracking open like a goddamn egg. “Jasmine would love to spend as much time as possible with you. I explained to her that you would have to leave soon and she understands.”
He took a tentative step closer. “What about you?”
She shook her head once. “Of course, I understand that you have to leave for baseball.”
He tilted his head, a small gleam in his eyes. “That’s not what I’m asking. Would you love to spend as much time as possible with me?”
Breath whooshed out from her lungs. “Kyle, we talked about this. Jasmine has to come first.” She hated those words. Hated saying them and hated how they felt on her tongue. If she could choose to have any life in the world, she would choose one that included both Jasmine and Kyle.
“Spending time together with our daughter isn’t giving her false expectations. It’s showing her that two people who love her will always be there for her.”
It did funny things to her body to hear that he already loved Jasmine. Of course, he did. That’s who he was at his core.
“We have to keep it platonic,” she said strongly when what she really wanted to do was tell him to take her right there on the floor.
“Define platonic.” The gleam was back. Although maybe it had never left. She didn’t remember him being so playful and flirty eight years ago.
“No flirting or innuendo and absolutely no touching of any kind.” Those were good rules and should stop anything before it started.
He slipped his hands inside the pockets of his jeans. “If you say so.”
“I do and I think you know it’s for the best.”
“I’ll follow your lead on this, but I want to see you too. Not just Jasmine.”
She nodded. “Fine. You can join us every night for dinner, if you want. You can even come to watch Jasmine’s gymnastics with me, if you want.”
“I want.” His eyes heated for a split second before calming.
“We should probably go see what they”re doing. Dallas and Edwin have been teaching Jasmine some soccer skills and she”s gotten pretty good.”
“I can’t wait to see them.” He sounded genuinely excited.
She felt him directly behind her as she walked toward the large room at one end of the house that was basically a small indoor soccer field. When they reached the doorway and she stopped, Kyle’s front came into contact with her back. He reached out his hands to grip her hips, steadying them both. “Sorry about that,” he whispered in her ear.
Was it just her or was his voice seductively lower? And why were her panties suddenly wet?
She’d made the rules and here she was already wanting to break them. She had to stay strong. Not for herself, but for Jasmine. She could not complicate matters more by falling for Kyle again.
Who was she kidding? It wouldn”t be falling again. She was and would always be in love with Kyle Dulanay.
Loving him and knowing she couldn’t be with him was her cross to bear for what she’d done. A punishment, of sorts, for lying and keeping his daughter from him.
She’d made her bed and she had to lie in it alone.