Chapter 19
nineteen
Zander
The pizza bites didn't go down as smoothly as I expected.
Neither did the beer. That was because I had something major stuck in my craw.
I kissed Nev. I had no fucking right to do it, just like I had no right to do it over a decade ago when we were just out of high school, but a moment of weakness overtook me.
I'd been tamping down the urge to kiss her for years, and there was something about that moment in the shop, alone, her needing me—a rare occurrence—that made me think I could kiss her.
But I had no right. Nevada wasn't just any woman; she was Nevada fucking Mason and everything about her was too good for me.
Ronan and Colin practically turn over the wobbly, pine table as they sit down fast and hard. "Well, well, well, big brother," Colin says as he reaches for the last pizza bite. "You can wipe that glum expression off your face."
"Not glum. Just tired," I protest.
Ronan shakes his head and takes a picture before I can stop him.
He holds the screen my direction. "Nope, that's definitely glum.
What's the matter? No pussy lined up for the night?
" Ronan claps me hard on the shoulder and then shrinks back and gives me an apologetic smile.
"Oops. Didn't mean for that to come down so hard. Anyway, your troubles are over."
"Don't have any troubles except the two of you eating most of my pizza bites."
"Yeah, yeah, I'll buy another tray," Colin says dismissively.
He leans closer to me and turns his face toward one of the tables across the room.
"See those three delectable sweeties over there?
" He waves and smiles. They wave back. "They're coming back to the cabin with us for a game of strip poker and whatever else follows. "
"Whose cabin? Dad's?"
Ronan laughs. Ronan and Colin are both between jobs, so they've moved back into the main cabin. It works for me because I don't have to look in on Dad as much.
"No, you glum little dickface. We're all going to your cabin for the aforementioned game of strip poker."
"I don't think so. I'm not in the mood."
Ronan points at me but looks at Colin. "Told you he was glum."
"No, I told you he was glum."
"What the fuck? Both of you go away. You're extra fucking annoying tonight.
" Jameson canceled on the pizza bites and beer.
Rio came home from school with a sore throat.
After the stupid fucking thing at the sandwich shop, I should have canceled, too, but Ronan called to let me know he and Colin were going out for pizza bites.
Mostly he called because the two of them are dead broke, and they needed me to pay for their bites and beer.
Instead of leaving, Colin places a dramatic hand on my arm. "It's all right, big brother, you can tell us what's bothering you. Think of us as a two-sided therapy session."
"Yeah, big guy, what's got you down?" Ronan asks. "You never turn down a game of strip poker with the right players." Ronan looks across the room. "And that brunette better be a terrible fucking player cuz I'm having all kinds of thoughts about her naked."
"Well, some of us work. You two have probably been home all day playing video games. I've been out on an excavator."
"Not like you're digging those holes yourself," Ronan says and then looks like he wants to take the comment back …
and fast. "Besides, you think taking care of our old man is a piece of cake?
Since the heart attack he's gone full slave driver.
'Ro, take out the trash, would ya? It stinks worse than you.
'" Ronan's impression of Dad is spot on, so it's hard not to smile.
"Ah, see, little whippersnapper." Ronan points at my mouth. "I've turned that frown upside down. And I'll bet a game of poker with three half-dressed women will make the smile permanent."
The door opens, and Kinsley walks in. I hold my breath waiting to see who will walk in behind her and release it when her friend Veronica steps inside. My gaze is glued to the door till it closes. No one else follows.
"So, no strip poker?" Colin asks again.
I shake my head. "Feel free to play as much as you like, but I'm heading home to bed after this."
"Well, fuck. C'mon, Ronan. Let's go figure out something else to do. Thanks for nothing, glum old man."
I lift my glass of beer in a toast. "My pleasure. I aim to disappoint."
Kinsley makes a beeline for my table, and again I'm asking myself why I decided to come. Harry and his damn pizza bites.
"Hey, big guy, what the heck happened at the shop? My sister was, as usual, discreet and quiet about all of it."
I look at her. "What do you mean? How do you know anything happened?" I ask defensively.
"She told me that much, about the strange guy looking in the window."
"Oh that." I'm stupidly relieved that she isn't talking about the kiss. It makes sense because Nev keeps everything personal private.
"Yeah, that. Kind of a big deal. Isn't that what you went down there for?" Kinsley asks.
"Yep. Didn't see the guy."
"Well, she was out of sorts. We were supposed to go out together for pizza bites, but she decided she wasn't in the mood. Anyhow, I thought I'd get more details out of you, but you're as closemouthed as Nev. See you later."
"Later."
Ronan and Colin are hanging out with the three women. I text Ronan. "Do you think you can find a ride? I'm heading home."
It takes him a few minutes to pull out his phone. He reads the text and nods my direction. I call Jameson as I walk out of the Gold Rush.
"Hey," he answers.
"How's Squirt?" I ask.
"She's fine. She's in bed. How were the pizza bites?"
"Well, I had to fight Ronan and Colin for them, but they were good. Heading home for the night. Shitty end to the week, eh? Do you think that fucker is going to come up with the money on Monday?"
"Not sure. You were definitely right about that guy. Something way off about him. It's good Nev ended things."
"Yeah, definitely. All right, well, tell Squirt I hope she feels better. Talk to you later."
I climb in the car and stare out at the blackness.
Gold Rush is near the end of town, off the highway and a good distance from the shops and neighborhood lights.
It's the ideal location for a dive bar, especially one that occasionally hosts loud bands.
As crappy as the workday ended with no pay and a sniveling, untrustworthy developer insulting our work, all because he couldn't pay us, things only got worse.
That was all on me. When Nev called I didn't hesitate to jump in the car and rush to her shop.
I pictured myself the big protector. Nev so rarely asked for help that I was thrilled she needed me.
I let that big ego boost go to my head, and the next thing I knew my usual guards were down, and all I could think about was kissing her.
I'd kissed her once before, in our teens, at our start of summer party.
No one saw. We were alone in a rock cave, a hideout my sketch-ass grandfather had once used to hide from the law and angry husbands.
The same thing happened that day. I'd let my guard down, so I could feel the only girl who'd ever meant anything to me in my arms. The kiss ended and we parted and never spoke of it again.
I wanted to kick myself for kissing her.
Back then, I knew Nev was not for me, but I couldn't deny myself any longer.
That same thing happened tonight in the sandwich shop, but now it's more awkward because we're adults.
I start the car and decide to drive over to her house.
I'm not entirely sure what to say, but I have to make sure my stupid, greedy kiss hasn't ended our friendship.
I can't imagine not having Nev in my life, even if it means loving her from the sidelines.
At least I'll be able to see her, talk and laugh with her and make sure she stays safe.
I drive to her house. There's a light on in the front room.
It's not late, but I know she likes to go to bed early because she gets up early for work, even on Saturdays.
I hesitate for a second, wondering how I'll react if she doesn't invite me in or if she tells me she doesn't want to talk.
She left quickly and coolly after I walked her to her car.
I might very well get the brush off. I'll have to deal with it like I do other life disappointments, and I'm damn good at that because my life is mostly one massive waterfall of disappointments.
I get out of the car and walk up to the door.
I decide to text. She was clearly unnerved by the unexpected visitor at the shop window.
I don't want to add to that. "I'm on your front stoop, but I understand if you don't want—" Before I can finish my lamely long text the door opens.
Nev is holding a rolling pin in her hand.
"Did I come in time for some home-baked pie?" I ask. Sometimes humor is all I've got.
Nev lowers the rolling pin. "It's you. I heard someone on the stoop and after seeing that car—" She rolls her lips in.
"Car?" I ask. "Nev, what's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing. Obviously, I've turned into a paranoid maniac." She waves me in with the rolling pin. "Now every car has some sinister reason for being on the street."
"Did you see a car or not?"
"There was some loud car that rolled slowly down the street.
I was reading my book, and I heard it but didn't think anything of it until it went by again.
Rattled my windows. Again, I thought well some guy in his souped-up car is lost. Then he drove by again.
I peeked through the blinds, but I only saw taillights as they left the neighborhood.
Didn't see or hear it again. Do you want some popcorn?
No pie, sorry." She swings the rolling pin around once.
"Just thought I could clobber someone with it if necessary. "