25. Lily
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
lily
Michele:
I need a girls night.
Lily:
Yes! Can I invite someone new I met in town?
Michele:
Of course. Queso and margs on Thursday?
Lily:
Sounds perfect, I’ll be there, hopefully with Amber in tow.
I t’s been almost two weeks since Tyler sent the threatening text. When Thoren came home from work last Monday, he had a new phone for me under his plan. He told me I didn’t have to use it, but he didn’t want me to have to worry if or when Tyler would reach out to me next. It still surprises me the lengths he goes through to show how much he cares for me. I took advantage of it, sending my old phone to Kinsley so she could monitor the texts from Tyler. I didn’t have all that many people to update with my new phone number, so it made the switch simple.
I feel like I have done nothing but write or hike the last two weeks, or hike to places where I could write. Whenever writer’s block hit, I slipped on my hiking boots and backpack with a notebook and pens. Finding remote locations with no internet or cell service to distract me was the cure, and I was able to finish up the first draft of the book. I sent it to Andrea yesterday before running into town to hunt down Amber. Unsurprisingly, she was working at her boutique again, and I begged her to come out to dinner with Michele and me tonight. After some light bribery, she agreed, and I can’t wait to get us all together.
Now that my book is done and awaiting review and read-throughs, I have nothing to do today. As I sit on the couch debating whether to take Shadow on a hike or deep clean the house, someone knocks at the door. Shadow beats me there, her tail swishing excitedly. Pulling it open, I’m surprised to see David standing on the other side.
“Hey Lily,” his kind eyes and warm smile greet me. “Are you busy right now?” he asks, leaning down to pet Shadow, who is begging for attention.
“Nope, I am free as a bird.”
“Wonderful! I came to check on the progress in your bathroom and saw that drywall is the next step. Thoren has all the tools and supplies there, but it’s more of a two-man job. I was wondering if you would be up for helping me out?”
I haven’t talked to Thoren’s dad since dinner at their house, and the chance to spend some time with him sounds fun. “Of course. Let me get some shoes on. Thank you so much for helping me with it. Did Thoren tell you I helped with the piping? He wouldn’t let me touch the wiring though,” I tie my sneakers before following him out.
“Smart man. Not that you couldn’t do it, but you should have seen how many times he shocked himself while working on his house before he learned to always triple check that the power was cut,” he laughs to himself as we walk over to my cabin.
“I’ve never hung drywall, and I’m still a little timid around power tools. You might have to walk me through this a bit.”
“The only tool we should need is a drill. One will need to hold the drywall in place while the other drills it in. You can do either job, but the ceiling will be a little tricky. I think it’s phenomenal that you are so involved and learning to do these things.”
He says it all so earnestly, like he isn’t being more supportive and encouraging than my parents have ever been. My dad always put in a little more effort than my mom when it came to talking to me instead of at me, but he still never believed in me. They had all these expectations of me, and then had this equal mix of shock and indifference when I met those expectations. It was like they didn’t think I could do it, but also weren’t impressed that I didn’t exceed what they laid out for me.
I can see where Thoren gets his encouraging and supportive ways from. David patiently talks me through each step and is kind when I miss a few times and screw a hole in the drywall into the nothingness behind it instead of a beam. I know those will need to be fixed later, yet he doesn’t suggest that I should do the holding instead of the drilling.
David has a great sense of humor and keeps me laughing through the entire process. We finished the small room in two hours, which I’m sure he and Thoren could have done in twenty minutes. His gentle demeanor puts me at ease.
“Can I make you lunch? If Evelyn isn’t waiting for you to get home.”
“I would really like that. She’s probably still at the hospital, so she won’t even notice.” He waves it off as we head back to Thoren’s house.
“Is it just Amber’s mom that she goes to see? I still can’t believe Thoren asked her to do that.”
“She’s been visiting with people stuck in the hospital and rehab facility for years. Evelyn has atherosclerosis, and five years ago it caused her to have a minor heart attack. She was okay, but she had to spend a few days in the hospital. When she got home, all she could talk about was how lonely she felt, even with all the nurses and doctors around. Thoren and I visited her daily, but I was still working and River was in the middle of a season. Since then, she’s volunteered to spend time with people who don’t have family or who have long-term stays there. Her favorite is when they have babies in the NICU that need snuggling. She seems to have really hit it off with Jana though.”
I point him to a stool at the island when we get to Thoren’s as I pull items from the fridge. “She’s the type of woman I strive to be. How’s her health now?”
David looks down at his hands, squeezing his fingers. “It’s okay. It’s a heart disease that never goes away. She’s at a higher risk for heart attacks, strokes, and blood clots, but her team of doctors monitors her closely.” He lifts his head, meeting my gaze. “She’s my other half, my best friend, and the one person in this world who can brighten my day without a word. Who can fill my cup simply by sitting in silence with me. She’s given me every good thing in my life. I’m scared every day that I could lose her.”
Emotion sits hot in my throat at his words. Losing someone you love is terrifying, but so is never experiencing that love. They say you can’t miss what you never had, however that’s not true either. Being alone while knowing there is love out there changing people’s worlds every day can hurt just as bad.
“You’re lucky to have each other.”
“We are, but we aren’t the only lucky ones.” He smiles softly at me, a knowing look in his eyes. The emotions feel too heavy, and I’m not ready to think that all through yet.
“Thank you for helping today. I know Thoren will be grateful, too. He’s not thrilled that I limited the days he can work on it,” I say, placing plates in front of each of us, taking a bite of my sandwich.
“You’re good for him. When he is in on something or someone, he’s all in, and it often leads to him forgetting about himself. He would happily burn himself down to make sure the ones he loves are warm. Evelyn and I have watched it happen time and time again, so thank you for not letting it.”
I nod while chewing my food. I saw that happening, and it makes me upset that he’s been this way his whole life and people let him. That his parents have had to watch him get taken advantage of and that he just allows it to happen. His kind heart should be treasured, not exploited.
“He means a lot to me. I will happily put his needs before my own because it’s exactly what he deserves.”
David gives me a knowing smile, but drops the subject. We talk about tile and flooring options while we finish eating, and then meander outside to throw the ball for Shadow for a bit. I don’t know if it’s normal to hang out with your boyfriend’s family, but I hope it is. A part of me hopes and prays for a future that they are in, because David and Evelyn would make the best grandparents. They are the type of family I dreamed of as I kid, and what I want for my own future children.
Giving Shadow one last ear scratch, David heads toward the front door. He stops when he gets there, patting my shoulder tenderly. “One thing, Lily. He’ll give you everything, every piece of himself, and all he will ask for in return is you. Keep taking care of him, and just be you.”
His words stay with me the rest of the day. I told Thoren that he was enough and meant it. Am I enough for him? He has given no reason to believe that I’m not, but I can’t help feeling like there is an imbalance. What have I given him except more things to do and worry about? I clean the house with my mom’s words weighing me down. What do you have to entice a man if you don’t have a thriving career? You should do it all, like I did. You can have kids and a high-powered career, it’s not like it’s hard. Lily, you don’t want to be just an added problem for a man.
Her words hurt then, and they hurt now. I was on my way to a high-powered career and I was empty inside. I had an empty relationship with a crappy partner, and spent so much time alone that I started to write out my hopes and dreams, then turned them into novels. My passion flourished through writing, but working in finance drained my soul. Moving here, I finally felt the tightness in my chest ease as I lived my life the way I envisioned it. What if she is right, though? Is it enough to have a small career that brings you joy if it means you have nothing to offer a man? Is being a good wife and a present and loving mother when the time comes going to be enough?
I contemplate it all as I make a pasta dish that will reheat nicely. Thoren has a SAR meeting after work, and I don’t want him to worry about cooking. Plus, I like to take care of him. I can’t offer much financially, but I can clean his house, cook his meals, and be his sounding board when he needs it.
Putting the heavy thoughts behind, I get ready for a night out with the girls. It’s been too long since Michele and I went out and adding Amber to the gang makes me happy. They say pain recognizes pain, and I see something in her that calls to me. Hopefully she will feel comfortable enough to open up to us, and if not, at least she will know she has people around.
I slip on a simple purple wrap dress with sandals and throw my hair in a ponytail. There isn’t much humidity up here in the mountains, but these August nights stay warm. Michele is seated at a table when I arrive, sporting a flowy summer dress as well. She envelops me in a quick hug, holding up a pitcher of orange liquid when she sits.
“Peach this time,” she says, pouring a full glass for me.
“I can always count on you. How have you been?”
“Really good, actually. I went on a date this weekend, and I think I might see him again.”
“Hey Lily,” a timid voice startles me.
I turn to find Amber in a pair of boyfriend jeans and a bright pink crop top. A long bob haircut frames her face with an adorable mess of curls, her make-up trendy with winged eyeliner.
“Jesus, how do you have an ass in those jeans?” Michele gawks.
Amber’s cheeks turn the color of her top as she takes the open seat at the round table. I smack Michele’s arm, but she has no shame. “I, uh, well it’s part genetics, part my obsession with the gym. I’m Amber, by the way.”
“Sorry, that’s Michele. Who has a delectable butt herself, by the way. I’m so glad you could make it,” I cut in, filling her glass. “I hope you like peach margaritas.”
Amber gives me a grateful nod, her shoulders easing as she sets down her purse. “I live for margaritas. What were you guys talking about?”
Michele’s smile brightens as she winks at me. “I love her already. I went on a date for the first time in… a while this weekend.”
Something in the way she says it makes me want to ask for details, but I won’t in front of Amber yet. Has she dated since Ethan? Surely she has gone on dates since high school, although Thoren did say that was her only love.
“What does he look like? Where did you go? Spill it.”
“He’s a short king, but the muscles on him are pristine. You can’t laugh at his name because it doesn’t fit him at all,” she eyes us both before continuing. “Oliver took me to the little Italian place down the road, but he’s going to cook for me this weekend.”
I can’t hold it back, the laugh bubbling out of me. “Oliver? Chele, that’s so cute. But I need a height reference because I am totally picturing Lord Farquaad.” Amber almost spits out her drink as she joins in on the laughter.
“He’s like 5 ’6 and built like Thoren,” she gives me a pointed look.
“Go girl, get you some,” Amber clinks her glass with Michele’s. “I’m assuming Thoren is the man you came into the shop with? Not that I was really looking, but…”
“But that man is hotter than sin,” Michele finishes for her. They both nod, and I beam with pride.
“He is, and I believe in museum rules, so look all you want.”
Our waiter comes over to bring us chips and takes our orders. We decided on a trio of appetizers to share and another pitcher of margaritas. I might have to leave my car and Uber home, but it’s worth it.
“How’s the book coming along?” Amber asks, around a sip of her drink.
“First draft is finished. I need to start on the next book while this one is in the first round of edits, but I feel like I should spend my time doing things for Thoren instead.”
“What do you mean?” Michele questions. “He brags to me all the time about all the things you do for him. He said the only time he cooks anymore is when you cook together or breakfast on the weekends. That man is obsessed with you already, you don’t need to do anything else.”
I swirl my chip through the queso, embarrassed I even brought it up. My mom’s words just won’t stop replaying in my head, and it’s taking a toll on me.
“Relationships should be 50/50. He found a lawyer for me, is housing me, fixing my bathroom, and is my safe space when all this crap boils over; which it does constantly. That’s on top of all the little things that he does to care for me.” I bite my chip to give myself a moment.
“He makes my coffee just the way I like it every morning. There have been fresh purple flowers on his dresser and the dining room table, constantly, since I moved in. He draws me a bath every time he sees that I’m overwhelmed. He alternates between rubbing my feet and scratching my back every night that we watch movies. I got my period last week, and he came home with a heat pack because he didn’t have one and a bag of chocolates. I didn’t even tell him I got my period, he must have just seen the tampon box. What do I have to offer that man?”
Amber and Michele are wearing matching looks of empathy. Amber places her hand on mine, giving it a light squeeze. “Good relationships aren’t 50/50, Lily. Each person brings something different to the table, and neither person is going to be at their best all the time. I hardly know you, and I can see that you are selfless, kind, and have so much to offer. Just because you give in different ways doesn’t devalue you.”
“Get your shit ass parents out of your head,” Michele points her chip at me. “I know that’s what this is. You clean his house, fold his laundry, pack him lunches, and make him dinner. You take the time to do his favorite activities with him, take care of his dog who is his best friend, and make an effort to get to know his family. You brought peace and happiness back into his life. You, my dear, are everything he has ever wanted.”
I know they are right, but it’s hard to rewire what I have been told my whole life. Thoren and I both give each other everything that we have. He is everything that Tyler wasn’t and he shows me every day how cherished and appreciated I am. He turned the room he was saving for a nursery into an office for me, for god’s sake. I need to get over my own issues and think of something else.
“How’s your mom doing, Amber?”
“She’s doing okay. She’s not actually my mom, she’s my great-aunt. Jana’s been raising me since I was eleven, and she’s the only family I have left.”
“Well, shit,” Michele says. “What happened to her?”
“She had a stroke and has been in a rehab facility since. Total recovery isn’t a possibility, and she’s mostly bed bound now, but her mind is still sharp. It’s been rough. I only have one part-time worker at the store besides myself, so finding the time to run it and go visit her and deal with everything has sucked.”
“Jesus, Amber, you just let me whine about my boyfriend being too good of a man, and you’re going through all that. Do you have anyone else to help?” All of my problems feel a lot smaller, and I want to wrap her in a hug. I don’t have to start my next book right away, I can easily help out at the shop if she needs it.
“Nah, I’ve kind of always been an outsider here. It’s my own doing. I was angry at the world when I moved here, and in this small town, all the kids already knew each other. When they tried to be nice, I essentially told them to fuck off, and no one has really given me a chance since. I’ll figure it out. I always do.”
Michele is out of her chair in an instant, pulling Amber out of hers and wrapping her in a hug. “Get in here,” she motions to me as we all stand in the middle of the restaurant in an awkward group hug. “You have us now. I don’t listen when people tell me to fuck off, so I’ll still show up if you do.”
Amber subtly wipes at her eyes when we break apart and take our seats again. As I look at her, I see myself right after I got fired. I felt completely alone in the world, trying to figure out how to move forward. These people in this town have become my family, and I want her to have that, too.
“I’m stopping by next week,” I say, full of determination. “If you need help with any finances, I’m your girl. If not, you’re going to teach me how to work at the store. You don’t have to pay me, but I will work at least one day a week so you get some time off. No arguments.”
Her eyes turn watery as she grabs my hand again. I may not have money rolling in from a prestigious career, but I can do this. I can be a friend, and give my love and my time freely to those who need it. I want friends that are real and true. That laugh and cry with you, and show up at the drop of a hat because you need it. Knowing I have those types of friends feels like I am one step further from the daughter my parents want, and one step closer to the woman I want to be.