Wandering in Darkness (In Darkness #4)

Chapter 1

ONE

CAL

“Cal? Cal!”

For a single moment, peaceful silence fills the room.

“I think he’s dead,” Felix decides.

“I’ll get the shovel,” Lane states, and knowing these two, it’s not a joke. I’m likely about to find myself hefted up and carried off to some pit in the middle of nowhere, probably where they’ve buried the bodies of their other victims.

They claim not to have any victims, but the way these two get into shit, I just have to assume they either don’t realize or they’re keeping their bodies buried somewhere I don’t know about.

It’s been about four months since I drunkenly found myself on the doorstep of a house belonging to my old friend Lane and his partner, Felix.

When I was at my lowest, they were the only ones I had to turn to.

These two people who barely knew me, yet took me in with minimal questions asked.

(Honestly, most of the questions were strange and spewed out by Felix.) I don’t even know what possessed me to find them, but I’m pretty confident that if I hadn’t, I’d be lying in some ditch drunk or dead.

Instead, I’m slumped over my desk in our new detective agency that we’re just starting up.

“You get the ass, I’ll get the head. Should we roll him in a rug before we dispose of him?” Felix asks. “Although… I really kind of like this rug. I could go try to find an old rug to roll him in. Maybe someone’s left something out on the curb.”

“Yeah… an old curb rug sounds fitting for him,” Lane says as I question why I wouldn’t even get the new rug in my death.

It’s not even that nice of a rug. The edges curl up and I trip on it at least once a day.

Honestly, the rug is more likely to be the end of me than anything else in my life at this moment.

Felix is a man who ended up in Lane’s life after Lane lost his eyesight. He was hired not for his skills as a caretaker—which I believe he fully lacks—but because he was dispensable since he lacked a family.

And even though Felix has to be the strangest human I’ve ever met, he knew how to pull Lane out of the hell he’d wound up in and then when he was done with that, he began dragging me out.

I’m not sure I’ve ever admitted to him that he is the very reason I’m doing better, but I’m sure he knows.

I just don’t want the confirmation to go to his head and make him any stranger than he is.

After I got my drinking under control, Felix and Lane talked me into seeing a counselor as well as continuing with my AA meetings. And while I haven’t exactly opened up to any of them, it seems to make Felix feel better I’m at least semi-talking to someone.

“Get him, Lane.”

That’s when someone grabs my chair and since the chair is on wheels, they whip it back, dragging me away from the desk where I was prepared to lie against until it’s time to go home.

“What the hell?” I cry as I open my eyes to look at Lane. “Why do you feed into what he wants?”

“Because he knows how to con me,” Lane decides.

“He’s really not that good. It’s because you’re as bored as he is and looking for someone to pester.”

Felix’s eyebrows shoot up. “Excuse me, I’m phenomenal. Did you see how I phenomenally brought you back to life?”

“You’re not a fucking necromancer. I wasn’t dead, I’m bored .

We’ve been open all day and absolutely no one came in.

To keep this place afloat, we’re going to have to start dancing for tips at Frank’s club,” I say.

“We as in Lane and me. They’d take money from you, judging by the way Antonio described your ability to dance. ”

Felix sits down on my desk, probably hoping to be the same height as me for once, because while he was graced with a large personality, he was given a rather small body to cram it all into.

“It just needs a minute to get going. Oddly enough, I feel like people aren’t interested in seeking help from three strange men who claim to be able to fix most problems. Like look at us! Don’t you look at us and automatically think all of your worries will just go away?”

“Do you think that it maybe has to do with your macro pig?” I ask, waving toward the pig currently lying on his belly, legs splayed out while smacking his face into his bowl of water.

Felix gasps as he rushes over and cups the pig’s ears. “He is not a macro pig, he is a micro pig!”

“Micro, my ass. I’m with Cal on this one,” Lane grumbles.

I’m pretty sure he had absolutely no interest in the pig from the beginning, but Felix gets what Felix wants.

And after Felix stole the “micro” pig from some lady who was trying to shoot us in order to get some money that didn’t even exist, the pig became part of the family…

much to Lane’s disgust. “There is nothing micro about that pig. You’ll be able to ride him before long. ”

“Don’t listen to them, Brigadier Oinksalot. They’re just jealous. You are a micro pig. You are! Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re something you’re not!”

“Did I tell you that when we took him in to get neutered and Felix tried telling the vet that he was a micro pig, the vet laughed? Literally laughed,” Lane declares, which makes me smile.

“We just feed him too well, that’s what happened,” Felix says as he hugs the pig to himself, which is the first thing the woman sees when she steps into the agency.

She looks down at Felix spooning a pig then over at me where Lane still has some weird hold on my chair while I desperately try to keep a hold of my desk, and hesitates.

“I’m sorry… I think I have the wrong place,” she says.

“You do not!” Felix says as he leaps up and slides on the water the pig splashed everywhere. Thankfully, he has a desk to catch himself, so it only results in some minor splits that he just smiles his way through.

Copper, their German shepherd who Lane uses as a service dog, rushes to his rescue. With one solid lick to his hand, he deems Felix rescued.

“You’ve come to the right place,” I say with a smile.

“You… guys do nails?” she asks skeptically as she looks around.

“I can!” Felix claims. “Do you want like… polish or like the fake ones that you stick on… somehow… Cal, how do you stick on fake nails?”

“Does it look like I know how to stick on fake nails?” I ask as I examine my own nails which have been cut down to absolutely nothing. They’re still recovering from a time when I chewed them off during my destructive stage.

“I think… I think I’m looking for the next place over,” she says as she tries to give us a smile. It’s a smile of pity. She actually feels bad for us .

Felix gives her a smile in return. “Before you go, do you have a cheating husband? A crazy serial killer after you? Or possibly just a feud with your neighbor that you’d love for us to take care of?

Or is your husband a crazy serial killer neighbor?

We can do them all. Wait… not do them… we can solve the problem.

That’s the word I’m looking for. Not do them as in do your husband.

Unless that is what you’re after and then maybe Cal will. Cal?”

“She’s left, Felix. She’s already left.”

“Even I could tell that and I’m blind,” Lane says.

Felix collapses onto the floor and his pig comes over and begins rooting around with his nose, trying to push him this way and that. “Is our business destined to fail?”

I shake my head. “You haven’t given it much time. We’ve barely opened.”

“We just need more clients. More word of mouth, that kind of thing,” Lane assures him.

“Lane, I bet if you stood outside in a thong and held a sign to promote the business, we’d be booming,” Felix says.

“Or what if instead of a thong, you held two signs and your trick was keeping them from displaying your genitals? Then some random stranger who is definitely not me would snatch up one of the signs. That could be fun.”

“For whom?” I ask.

“For all of mankind but mostly me.”

“At least you’re being honest,” I say.

“Of course I am. I’m the definition of an honest man,” Felix replies.

“Says the thief,” I mutter.

“Hey, hey, you didn’t ask if I stole shit.

You asked if I was honest. I will honestly tell people when I steal shit from them.

Like I stole a thin edge of the brownie you brought home the other day.

I was so careful removing a thin layer around the entire brownie that you didn’t even notice part of it missing. ”

I cock my head. “You stole my brownie?”

“Just the edge of it. You didn’t notice!”

“Well now I’m missing it!” I say in disbelief.

“It was an accident! You left it at our house! It was staring me in the eyes. It was literally begging me. It was like, ‘Felix, I want in your mouth.’ And how do I say no to that?”

“Sounds fucking creepy. I definitely wouldn’t put some sentient being come to life in my mouth.”

“You think Lane will get jealous?”

“No,” Lane says.

“I think he might get jealous,” Felix decides, like he didn’t hear Lane.

“Still no. Like a huge no. I’m not sure if I could no any more than that. The moment I start getting jealous of brownies, please promise me you’ll get out of this relationship,” Lane says.

“Oh, honey, you’re never escaping. Never.”

“You should be concerned,” I say, in case Lane couldn’t tell.

“I… realize that.”

I stretch and get up. “Well, it’s five o’clock. I will collect my pay and head home… wait… I think I made like… zero an hour?”

Felix grimaces. “You can move back in with us?”

“No, no. I will just scrape by, barely able to afford rent, only able to afford one piece of bread a day so I can keep playing this game with you.”

“Noooo,” Felix cries. “Come home with us. We’ll let you make us dinner.”

“I’m joking. I have enough money to eat.”

“I wasn’t joking about you feeding us,” Felix says.

“Please,” Lane whispers. “My mom is out of town for a week. Please… please stop by. Please feed us.” He’s clearly begging there at the end. It sounds quite desperate.

Felix’s attention shifts to Lane. “You said you liked the meal last night!”

“I did because all you had to do was warm up the shredded chicken for sandwiches.”