Chapter 8
EIGHT
FELIX
“So… what are your thoughts on letting us go?” I ask Ned, who is still sitting behind his desk. After spending some time alone in a room, we’ve been brought back into his office for some reason… I’m not quite sure why just yet, but I’ll get to the bottom of it.
“Don’t have any of those thoughts,” Ned admits.
“None at all? You sure? I’ve heard that I can be quite persuasive. And if you don’t like a persuasive kind of guy, I’ve heard that I can be quite annoying. And if you don’t like an annoying?—”
“What is its name?” he asks.
“This is Lane,” I say, well aware he wasn’t speaking about Lane.
The man glowers at me. “No. The pig.”
“Ohhhhh. Let me tell you the grand story about how I acquired the mini Brigadier Oinksalot, also known as Brigs. There I was, abducted by this Croc man as the woman he worked for stalked toward us in her mighty pajamas, and in her hands was the great and powerful Brigadier Oinksalot.”
“She was carrying this thing around?” he asks, more than a little impressed, which I think is a bit harsh.
“It grew significantly since then,” Lane says.
I glower at him. “Not significantly . Just a little. He’s still a baby.”
“Fuck. I’d hate to see how big he’ll be when he’s full grown, then,” Ned says.
“Both of you are ruining my story,” I decide.
“What I got out of your story is that this isn’t the first time you’ve been held hostage and that you stole the pig and have some odd misconception that he’s supposed to be small.
” Ned stares at Brigs before reaching back and grabbing an apple.
He bites off a piece and holds it out to Brigs, who hurries over to accept it.
“How much you want for him?”
“You could never—” I start.
“I’d sell him for like a thousand bucks,” Lane says.
“A bit steep,” Ned muses.
“NO! Lane! We’ve talked about this! The only person in our family we’re willing to trade for money is you, and that’s only when I get to watch you dance in your thong and I pay for it,” I remind him.
Ned is staring at me, and I can’t quite tell whether it’s a “That’s a fantastic idea” stare or a “What the absolute fuck” stare. Really, I just need to keep making him feel like I’m not concerning in the slightest.
“You want to see a neat trick I taught him?”
Ned is now too curious about pig tricks to turn me down and waves for me to go ahead.
I rush over to Brigs, and when Brigs trots over to see what I’m doing, I gracefully stumble over him. I slam into Ned’s desk, sliding two paper clips off and into my hand.
“Shit. Sorry. Brigs seems to think that a human sacrifice every now and then is just what he needs to brighten his day. Okay, Brigs, it’s your time to shine.”
“It sure does seem like you have little to no control over that thing.”
“You don’t need control over Brigs. You need love. Now Brigs, are you ready?”
Brigs is quickly growing bored because the only thing he’s ever ready for is a snack. And when there’s no snack involved, he wanders off to find his next victim.
I aim a finger gun at him. “Bang!”
He pokes my finger gun with his snout. Then he hurries off to see if the stranger will give him more of his apple.
“Brigs. Buddy. Pal… come back. You’re making us look a bit foolish,” I complain, but he’s wandered off on his next adventure.
“Wow… that was impressive,” Ned says with ample sarcasm before there’s a knock on the door. The woman who’d brought Copper to us comes over and whispers something to Ned.
“Can you escort these two back to their room?”
“Of course,” she says. “Come along.”
She holds the door open, and even though Brigs was willing to ditch me for the apple during our talent show, he generally doesn’t want me out of his sight, so he trots after me.
“Hi, I’m Felix.”
“Emma,” she says with a smile.
“This is Lane, Copper, and Brigs. I have a crisp five-dollar bill in my pocket if you lead us out to the car so we can be on our merry way. I was craving some pizza for lunch. I’ll even get you a slice.”
“All of that for five dollars? That’s impressive. I could probably retire with that.”
“I hear you, but you would gain my friendship, which is priceless.”
Emma eyes me while she seems to consider this proposition.
“Oh man… I’m actually one of those people where I like the idea of making friends, but when it comes down to actually being friends with someone, it sounds like too much work.
Like meeting up for lunch in three weeks sounds like a fantastic idea now, but the day of, I’ll beg and hope and pray that you cancel. You know?”
“I’ll even give you the euphoria of canceling every time we make plans. We could pretend to be friends,” I say. “My friends love me.”
“They might love you… but they might also regret being with you,” Lane teases.
“Excuse me, Mr. Innocent. You were right there with me as we jumped out of that vehicle. You were also right there with me at all of the other points as well! Hell! Before you, I was boring!”
“Are you sure being a petty thief who has done what you’ve done is boring? Hell, just being you is definitely not boring.”
“Significantly boring.”
“You two actually seem fun,” she says.
“So are you going to let us go free?” I ask.
Emma gives me a rather sweet smile. “Absolutely not.”
“You’re slightly evil… I like it.”
She waves us into a room. “Welcome back to our newly appointed torture chamber. We used to just like… smoke weed in here. There are no windows so you’d just suffocate a little, but in a good way.
Now we use it for the people we abduct. A little different, but I’m not one to judge…
we now have to smoke weed outside, though… which is less fun.”
“I’d love to smoke some weed. Do you have some?” I ask.
Emma stares at me for a long moment while she decides our level of friendship and whether or not she should agree to this.
“You know… just to like… keep me from being too anxious, you know?” I add.
She seems to take pity on me because she shrugs and pulls out a joint and a lighter, but before she can even light it, a guy knocks on the door. “Emma, come on. We need you and you’re over here smoking with the prisoners.”
“Don’t tell Ned.”
“Let’s go.”
“Wait,” I say as I grab her wrist. “Will you bring me pizza?”
“Absolutely not,” she replies. I let go of her and watch as she slips out the door.
“Smoking weed now, Felix?” Lane asks.
“She had such baggy pants, I couldn’t tell which side held the lighter,” I say while I click it in front of him. “Clickity click.”
“What’s your plan? Did you steal the joint too?”
“It might have made this escape plan a whole lot more interesting if I had,” I comment, heading over to the door and leaning against it.
“My question is… if we get out of here, what do we do about Cal and Antonio? They’re with Grayson, so it’s not like they’re with someone who will harm them.
But if they come back to pick us up, and we’re long gone, we could get them in more trouble. ”
“If we can find our phones, I’ll call Grayson,” Lane says.
“Ooh. Good point. We’ll call Grayson, tell him not to come here, and we will scuttle out before they even notice. You’re my sexy and smart man.”
He shrugs. “Just making sure everyone knows I’m more than just brawn.”
“You’re the whole package.”
“So are you.”
I playfully smack his chest and then because it’s such a nice chest, I give it a little stroke. “Aww, such a flatterer.”
It finally seems quiet outside the door, so I slide the paper clips I’d found into the lock and wiggle them around a bit.
It really doesn’t take much; the door isn’t meant for keeping people in.
I’m starting to wonder if they even have any clue at all on how to keep a prisoner… let alone one of my caliber.
I open the door just a little before looking back at Lane. “Lane… we have a new issue.”
“Is it a pig issue?” he asks.
“Maybe. He’s not the best at stealth, and if we leave him in here, he’s going to squeal. You know he hates being left alone in strange places… can you carry him?”
“Can I carry your massive pig around stealthily ?”
“He’s not even that massive… yet.”
“You know he only likes you to carry him around—or at least he did when he was small enough that you could. What if he starts squealing?”
“He promised me he wouldn’t.”
“Nothing looks more inconspicuous than a blind guy carrying a pig and sneaking through an illegal drug operation.”
“The only other option would be to leave you in here with him, but then if someone came back and I wasn’t here, you could get in trouble.”
“Alright, let’s see how this goes.”
“Maybe stick him under your shirt like I did when he was a baby. It always made him feel most comfortable.” I say this very well knowing that the pig won’t fit in his shirt, but I’d still love to see Lane try.
“I’m sorry. You made me wear a tight shirt because you ‘wanted Grayson to see my muscles so he would know that I could kick his ass if he dissed Cal.’ Do you remember that? Do you remember how I had to squeeze into it?”
“I vaguely remember no such thing.” I give a little grimace, but it really is nice seeing those abs. It’d be a crime not to see them.
Lane reaches down and feels around for Brigs until he manages to find the sleeping swine.
Brigs snorts a little when he’s suddenly airborne but not a single squeal escapes him as Lane hefts him up like he’s weightless.
I feel like the pig might crush me if I did that, but I would never admit that to anyone.
The pig utters not a sound while we head toward the door. Maybe he’s realized the same thing I have when it comes to being lazy. One doesn’t need to use their legs when they have Lane to carry them.
Honestly, I’m a little jealous. I would very much appreciate him carrying me through enemy territory.
Assuming that our phones haven’t been tossed in some random shit pile somewhere, I start back toward the building that Ned’s office is in. Hoping he doesn’t notice, I hurry inside while Copper dutifully follows after me.