5. Amber
CHAPTER FIVE
amber
I ’m awake before my alarm. Again. It’s happened frequently over the last three weeks since Thoren and Lily’s wedding.
My dreams have been filled with dark-blue eyes and rough hands skating over every inch of my body.
I’ve never been an overly sexual person.
A few toys in my nightstand make their way out sporadically, but now, they’ve been in frequent rotation.
The day after the wedding, I swear I was walking bowlegged, and the ache lingered for a few days.
Jake commanded my body in a way I only ever dreamed of, and his degrading words mixed with the possessive way he controlled my pleasure brought out a side of me I never knew.
Little did I know that the same cutting words from my mom’s mouth coming from Jake’s would be my undoing.
No part of me went into that day thinking I would sleep with him, or anyone.
It’s not like I was keeping my virginity for someone special; it just hadn’t happened yet.
I was a loner in middle and high school, never putting forth the effort to have friends.
It wasn’t until I was around sixteen and Jana forced me into therapy that I fixed my attitude.
At that point, though, I had the reputation of being quiet and angry.
Then along came Jake with his filthy mouth and skilled hands that are so at odds with the man I met at Lily’s party.
None of that stopped the ache he left behind or the constant desire I battle since I know what sex with a man feels like. The girls don’t know about it. Hell, I never even told them I’m a virgin.
Was. Was a virgin.
Shoving the blankets off my overheated body, I slip out of bed and get ready for the gym.
That’s been the one saving grace in this mess.
With my body and emotions keyed up every morning, I’ve been killing it with my workouts.
Rising before the sun isn’t for everyone, but I love it.
I’ve never been afraid of the dark. The quiet somber views outside my door set me at ease.
It’s a comfort to blend into the world around me when I’m falling apart inside.
The mostly empty gym is why I like coming at this time.
This obsession is another thing I have to thank Jana for.
When I moved in with her at eleven, I was angry: at her, my life, the world.
She was so patient and helped me find a way to work out that pain without following in my mother’s footsteps.
Sucking in a deep breath of stale gym air, I try to drown out the sting in my eyes.
I set about stretching first, which only allows my mind to wander again, and of course, the first place it goes is to Jake.
We haven’t seen each other since I walked out of that bathroom, but it’s for the best. He doesn’t seem like the dating type.
Though, who am I to judge. I went on one date in high school that didn’t end great and a few random ones here and there.
Dating apps in a small town make for … limited options.
A few first dates sparked nothing, and two made it past the first date but fizzled fast after they found out I work sixty hours a week and don’t do anything for fun.
Jana always tried to put me back on that horse, to get me to go out to the bars and try new things.
I’ve been to therapy enough; I can admit I’m a little socially stunted and don’t do well with that.
Without Lily and Michele randomly showing up and making me do things, I would be a hell of a lot more alone still.
With a limber body, I move to the machines.
For the next ninety minutes, it will all fall away while I punish my body to within an inch of its life.
It may not be healthy to use exercise as a form of grief therapy, but so far, it’s working.
Kind of. Most days, I feel like that angry kid again, raging because her mom died.
People told me I was lucky to have a chance to say goodbye, to know Jana’s time was limited after her stroke.
There’s nothing lucky about losing the only person who loved me despite knowing my soul inside and out.
Nothing about losing the only person I had left in this world was lucky . I fucking hate that word now.
Loading up the squat rack, I add on forty-five-pound plates instead of the usual forty pounds. Something needs to take the edge off this grief and pain coursing through my veins.
“Hey, Amber.” Kyle nods as he sets his things by the squat rack next to me.
Four of us have consistently come to the gym around this time the last few years, so we’ve gotten to know each other.
Kyle’s a decent guy, an electrician who’s a few years older than me.
Objectively, he’s good-looking and definitely fit, but he has a preppy vibe about him that doesn’t entice me.
Jake, with his tall, dark, and broody, is exactly what draws my attention …
clearly. I’m pretty sure most people don’t lose their virginity with two orgasms and a dick so big it felt like it was splitting me in half, but I guess I’m special.
Special in the way that I’m pretty sure we hate each other even more now.
“Hey, Kyle. How are you?”
He swings his legs, stretching them before he starts. “I had a good weekend but have a busy week ahead.” His eyes rake over me with an assessing gaze. “How are you holding up?”
My throat tightens at the insinuation because I know I look like crap.
It’s been three months since Jana passed, and I’ve been trying to fight the tides and keep my head above water ever since.
I can’t tell that to Kyle, though. He’s been a decent friend, a little flirty at times, but we aren’t on a level where I can talk to him about this.
Removing myself from the conversation is the easiest solution.
I finish my last set of squats before answering.
“I’m doing okay, thanks. I’ll see you around.
” Water bottle in hand, I finish my workout with a ten-minute sprint on the treadmill before heading out.
The orange rays cast around the parking lot shine from the rising sun, the dew on my little Honda starting to evaporate.
There’s more tension in my body now than there was when I got up this morning, and a long hot shower is calling my name.
My little studio apartment is above Cedar and Sage, the boutique I now own and run.
It was Jana’s baby, but now it’s mine. She never married or had children, choosing to instead pour all her time and love into this quaint shop.
When I turned twenty-one, she surprised me by getting the small space above renovated for me.
Her house was my comfort blanket of sorts, and while she loved that I was so happy there, she wanted me to have my own space.
I moved in here but still had sleepovers with her a few nights a month.
Just one of the many things I miss now that she’s gone.
After my usual Monday morning stop following the gym, I pull into the alley behind my shop and park in my spot in the small lot back here.
Aside from a shop owner at the other end, I’m the only one who uses the space above my store to live, and the buildings behind us are all storage facilities.
It’s a surprisingly quiet and nice place to live, but I’m worried that’s all about to change.
The end unit storefront next door has sat empty for the last six months, but the for-sale signs disappeared about two weeks ago. Michele said it was purchased but the new owner wanted to keep it under wraps until they moved in. I’ve had my fingers crossed for a bakery or coffee shop .
After breakfast, ten minutes standing under the hot spray of the shower, and a quick cuddle session with Socks, I meander over to the storage space out back.
The previous owner has allowed me to use a section of his space for free, so I house all my extra inventory in it.
The website I set up has been bringing in almost triple the income that the store does, so naturally, the inventory orders have tripled.
When the new owner takes over, hopefully they will let me rent out this space still.
It’s a warehouse with two rooms on either side, both the size of a two-car garage.
I need to keep my one room here, or I’m royally screwed.
An hour of filling and packaging orders later, I head back to open the store.
This is my routine most days, and I like it.
Loneliness creeps in at times, but I see Lily and Michele here and there, and Evelyn stops by to check on me periodically.
Bounding up the steps to my place, I rush inside to grab Socks before heading back down to the store.
This little fuzzy kitten made his way into my life last month when I found him abandoned in the alley.
His little meows shot me in the gut, and we’ve been inseparable since.
He’s a spunky little thing, always scampering around, and has yet to tear up anything in the shop, so I bring him with me most days.
The name fits him perfectly, with his black fur but a white belly and little white socks on his feet.
The morning ticks by with only a few customers, but Mondays are typically slow.
At least I have Socks, who hangs out in a bed on the front counter while I peruse through options of what to order for my summer stock.
Around noon, the bell chimes over the door, and Michele walks in with a to-go bag from the deli down the road.
“Hey girl, I brought you lunch,” she says, placing the bag down next to me and scooping up my kitten.
“Thank you. Are you trying to butter me up for something?” Michele’s a busy woman as one of only two realtors in town and doesn’t make it into my shop nearly as often as Lily does. She’s also not typically someone who shows up unexpectedly.
She puts Socks on the floor, and he scurries off. “Actually, your new neighbor moves in today, and he is open to negotiations about you renting the space you’re using.”
“Did the same person buy the store next door and the shop behind?”
“Yeah, he will be doing something similar to you. His storefront will be open with his furniture on display, and he’s going to turn the storage unit into a workshop. And lucky for us, we know the guy and can persuade him easily.”
There’s the fucking word again. I feel the blood drain from my face as I start piecing two and two together. “Jake is my new neighbor?” my quiet voice squeaks out.
“Yep! How great is that? He’ll be here within the hour to start renovating the store. He said he would stop in before you closed to discuss the storage situation.” The more she talks, the more my hands shake, but I rub them down my legs to try to hide it. “Why aren’t you more excited?”
What am I supposed to say to her? He hates me and hasn’t spoken to me since I let him take my virginity three weeks ago?
I plaster a smile on my face, trying to calm my nerves.
“Just a little shocked is all. I’m not sure we got off on the best foot.
Maybe a little nervous that he won’t let me rent the space I need out back. ”
“Oh, please.” She waves me off. “Jake is a teddy bear. He will be more than happy to help you out. I have to run, there’s a showing I need to be at in twenty. Just wanted to bring you lunch and the good news. Dinner and drinks at my place this weekend still, right?”
I nod, unable to form words, and she blows out of here as quickly as she blew in. What the hell have I done?