33. Jake
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
jake
A mber’s stiff for a moment before melting into my embrace.
She wraps her arms around my neck and settles into my lap.
Her hair smells like her signature lavender, and I bury my head in her, inhaling deep.
My parents are the most precious people in my life.
I owe them everything, and I work hard to give them the love and care they have unconditionally given me.
No one has ever cared for them the way I do.
Hearing Amber admit she’s silently helped my mom, broke something in me.
I’m a broken man, I know that, but some of the things in me need breaking.
As my dad always says, you have to cut the tree down to build something beautiful from the wood.
My voice breaks as I whisper a hoarse “Thank you.”
She runs her hands through my hair, scratching my scalp with her nails and sending chills down my body. It feels good, soothing, and exactly what I need today.
“What’s going on tonight, Jake?”
That’s a loaded question. What isn’t going on tonight? “I don’t know where to start.”
“From the beginning? ”
That, I can do. I readjust her so she’s straddling me and keep my forehead pressed to her chest while she continues scratching the back of my head and down my back.
It’s fitting that it’s raining today, the bleary dark and cold outside matching the way I always feel on this day.
“We’re going way back, then. If you’ve been to my parents’ place, you’ve seen where I grew up.
It’s not a bad place, just small and a little rundown.
My pops worked really hard so that my mom could stay home and raise me.
We had enough having each other, you know?
They’ve always been very involved and present in my life.
They taught me right from wrong, and my dad especially instilled a sense of being a protector and a good man.
He treated everyone with respect, fought for what was right, and loved my mom fiercely, always treating her like a queen. ”
A memory takes over of my dad coming home after a long day at work and pulling my mom into his arms as soon as he walked through the door. He danced with her right then and there in the living room—no music, no reason other than he missed her.
“I took that all to heart, so when I saw peers getting picked on, I stood up against it. Sometimes, the only thing to stop a bully is a bigger bully. I was a big kid and used it to my advantage, but I did it for the greater good. The first time I was suspended for fighting, I explained that I tried to get the guy to stop first, but that I was doing what he told me to do and making sure everyone was treated the same. That night, my dad taught me how to throw a proper punch. My knuckles were so swollen.”
She chuckles with me. “How old were you?”
“Ten. My dad thought sports would help, so I joined the baseball team with River, then the football team as well in middle school. Since it’s a small town, the sports programs don’t have much money, so we had to pay for all our equipment ourselves.
My mom started taking on odd jobs to help cover those costs.
Never once did they tell me no for anything, they just always found a way to make it work.
I owe them everything. Who I am, what I have is all thanks to them.
“Seeing my mom crying in the kitchen today after I got my dad into bed, broke me. She’s a full-time caretaker, and I know she wouldn’t have it any other way, but it’s hard on her.
It eats at them both. Not being able to work and provide for his family is devastating for my dad.
When I moved back home after college, I found out my parents borrowed against their home to pay off medical bills that disability and insurance didn’t cover.
I’ve been paying off their mortgage since I graduated because the disability checks were leaving them with nothing after bills were paid.
With their car breaking down, I can either keep paying off the last of the mortgage or get them a new car.
My mom doesn’t want me doing either, but I want to do both.
I could get them a decent used car if I traded in my bike. ”
Amber tugs on the hair at the back of my head until I lift my head and look at her. “Jacob.”
“Whiskey.”
“You don’t have to take this all on. I mean, I commend you and I get it, because there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for Jana. But your parents would hate it if you sold your bike for them.”
My laugh is deep and makes her bounce against my chest. “They would be thrilled if I sold it. My mom gets scared every time I ride it. There’s just something so … freeing about being on it. It’s a feeling like you can take on the world, and yet everything around you fades away.”
“That sounds nice.” She’s so pretty in this light, the streetlights from outside streaming in and making her eyes shine a golden hue.
She strokes my shoulders, keeping me calm while admitting this all to her.
Maybe I can stop here and not admit what truly has me shaken up today.
I’m not ashamed of my past or that I help my parents, in fact, I’m proud that I’m able to.
It doesn’t make it easy to open myself up though.
I want her to see all of me, to know all of me, but I want more than her scraps.
I want every tattered piece of her soul.
If I have to keep pushing her and telling her my truths to get there, then I will.
“I’ll take you sometime.”
She hums, her eyes searching mine. “Are we at the part of the story when you tell me what’s really going on?”
“Do you like me?” I have to ask because she may not like me in a minute.
I know what I didn’t do, and it was proven, but I also know what I did, and for that, I don’t have an ounce of remorse or regret.
This story paints me in a bad light, and it’s one of the deeper cuts on my soul.
The only part I regret is not seeing something sooner and not doing more to stop it.
I’m not to blame, but the scar still sits ready to be ripped open again.
“Yes,” she answers honestly but hesitantly.
“You might not after this.” I take a steadying breath and let myself go back to that broken place inside me.
“I shared an apartment with Riv and Thoren in Seattle for college. River paid the rent and bills, but I needed to help out and pitch in for myself. It was hard enough relying on him for housing.” I clear my throat, trying to push past the discomfort.
I know it’s okay to get help when you need it, but being friends with the James family was hard at times.
They had so much we didn’t, and fighting the feelings of being less than was hard.
“I started Anderson’s Fine Furnishings small time using the university’s wood shop.
It paid for the necessities, but then my dad’s accident happened.
Driving back home as often as I could, plus trying to help them out, wasn’t cheap, so I took on a construction gig part-time.
Everything going on with my dad took its toll on me, and I found myself at the bar more often than I should have been.
One night, I saw a help wanted sign and saw it as a way to stop myself from drinking so much.
It worked better around school, the tips were good, and seeing people get plastered night after night actually helped me cut down on my own drinking. ”
Those nights are still so clear in my head.
The chaos of drunk college kids, heavy bass music, and sticky surfaces everywhere.
“I met a lot of people there, we were in a location near a lot of college apartments, so it was a big hang out place. One guy was in one of my business classes, and he always sat at the bar with me. He seemed like a good dude, and we talked a lot. We both had eyes for this one girl that came in. She was a bundle of energy and life, always happy and kind, and a great tipper. She came in twice a week for months and became a good friend, just like I thought he was.”
I swallow down the uncomfortable knot in my throat.
I’m still angry over it all. Angry for Clara, angry at Isaac, hurt by how everything was handled.
“One night, the bar was packed. Way beyond what capacity should have been. I was slinging drinks left and right, and I saw both of them there, but just for a moment. When I saw Clara, though, her eyes were glassy, and she seemed out of it.” I scrub my hands over my face, the words not wanting to come out.
“I tried to get her attention to check on her, but she was quickly lost in the crowd. On my break, I walked all through the bar looking for her, but she was gone. Isaac said he thought he saw her leave with me, but I had been behind the bar all night. I should have known then something was up.”
“Do you have alcohol?” I need something to get through this next part. To get this image out of my head. The image that still haunts my nightmares on occasion.
Amber climbs off my lap and rummages through her kitchen.
She comes back with a bottle of tequila and whiskey, offering up both.
I take the whiskey, uncapping it and swallowing a few gulps.
Her soft hands take it from me and put the cork back in before setting it on the table.
When she tries to sit across from me, I bring her back into my lap.
Trying to hide my trembling hands, I wrap them tight around her.
“I was one of the closers that night,” I continue, my voice cracking.
“When I went to the back alley to take out the trash, I found Clara. She was passed out, her clothes ripped and dirty, her face a mess of cuts and bruises.” The whiskey churns in my stomach, and I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the images away.
“It was clear exactly what had happened to her, and seeing her there, tossed aside like trash after what someone took from her …
Amber, it broke a part of me that will never be repaired.
“I carried her back into the bar and had my coworker call 911. I covered her with my shirt, and just held her, scared out of my mind. Scared that she would wake up and freak out at my touch, scared that she wouldn’t wake up at all, scared that she would never be the same.
It was stupid, of course she wouldn’t.” Fuck, this is so hard to get out.
To explain the pain and the fear and the heartbreak I felt in those moments.
Those feelings that came crashing back when I walked out of the bar and saw Kyle’s hands on Amber.
“The rest of the night was a blur, the ambulance took her away, and I was questioned. As soon as they left, I remember rushing to the bathroom and losing my stomach. When I woke up the next morning, it was to two officers at my door. Luckily, Thoren and Riv were at the gym, but they took me in for more questioning. Apparently, a good samaritan said they saw me spike her drink. The bar’s cameras were crappy at best and there was no proof otherwise.
My coworker said I disappeared for my break, and my DNA was on her. ”
A hot tear slips down my cheek, and Amber wipes it away.
“Long story short, I spent some time behind bars because I refused to call anyone for help. I was too embarrassed and angry. They let me go five days later when her rape kit came back and didn’t match my DNA.
The only reason my DNA was on her was because I held her.
In her worst moments, I held her, and they tried to blame me.
” Another tear slips out, and then another.
“It was Isaac. He drugged her, assaulted her, left her, and then kept drinking and partying and tried to pin it on me.”
“Oh, Jake,” she whispers hoarsely, then I realize she’s crying too.
“A few weeks later, I talked to Clara and asked what she would do to him, if she could. Then I planned and waited and did exactly that.” I let the words sit between us, willing Amber to look me in the eyes and see the truth in what I’m trying to say.
Her whiskey eyes meet mine, but they aren’t filled with fear or disgust. They hold the same weight mine do.
The weight that a bad man did a bad thing, and I made sure he was punished for it.
“Is he …”
“He attacked her nine years ago today. He won’t be hurting anyone again.”
Every year on this date, I live the nightmare of finding her out there over and over again.
Her bruised and battered body haunts my thoughts, but they’re soothed by the sounds Isaac made when I found him.
It turns out, hammers are useful for more than just building things.
They can also smash all twenty-seven bones in the human hand.
I didn’t kill him, but I did break into his home and shatter every bone in both of his hands, and then I cut off his most-prized possession.
I’m sure he knows it was me, but there was no proof since Clara and I were together that night.
I’ve never claimed to be a good man, but I try to be one I can look at in the mirror.
I like to think that if my family or friends ever found out the truth or about any of the events around then, they would understand.
Riv and Thor think I went to visit my parents for an extended weekend while I was in a holding cell, and that’s the way I like it.
I’m not a good man, but I’m not a bad one either .
Amber’s still looking deep in my eyes when she finally nods. “Good. Would you like to stay the night?”
With my demons out in the open, she accepts me. I help her clean up from dinner, then we take turns showering and crawl into bed with her. Tonight, she holds me as much as I cling to her, and for the first time in nine years, I feel like everything might be okay.