Chapter 1
Jude
One.Two. Three. Four.
The tension gripping my muscles slowly begins to melt away.
Five. Six. Seven.
The urge to keep counting stops. Feeling returns to my fingertips, the rushing blood making them tingle. The clack of my dogs’ nails across the hardwood floors joins the excited yips and barks as the pack vies for the door.
I step into a pair of filthy mud boots, slip on a black beanie, and shove open the exit to let this rowdy crew outside.
The group of dogs takes off to the trail for our daily walk. Most of them have been with me long enough to know the routine and stick with the pack. It’s rare that anyone straggles behind. Not that it matters much, as the entire property is fenced.
I drag a cleansing breath of Minnesota spring air into my lungs, ridding myself of the remaining anxiety flowing through my veins, and march off to follow my livelihood trampling through the woods.
Snow melts across the property, crunching beneath my footsteps. The trees remain bare for another couple of weeks until the buds begin to sprout on their branches.
There’s nothing I’d rather be doing than taking care of the dogs residing at my family’s dog sanctuary. My oldest brother, Lee, might be the business owner, but I live and breathe the day-to-day care of these animals.
They’re my passion.
They’re loyal and loving despite shitty upbringings. I never have to worry about their betrayal.
I see myself in them—scarred, broken, unloved, and unwanted by the people who promised to love us the most.
My body might be littered with scars, but they don’t fucking care. Hell, their wounds are both visible and internal—just like my own.
People have let me down over and over again, but I’ve not once been let down by one of my dogs.
I whistle and jerk my head toward the path. Grizz and Toyota bound across the muddy ground, chasing one another back to the trail. As we walk, I eye the fence for breakages after the long winter. I clean sticks and debris from the path and throw a couple of tennis balls for the dogs to chase and burn off energy.
We stop at the small pond. During the summer, the dogs will run in for a swim, but they’re content to roam the shore today. I gaze at the dark water and toss a couple of rocks into the depths, watching the ripples spread before throwing another.
I keep my life simple. Private. Quiet. Just the way I like it.
Ramona grunts around my ankles, so I pick up the old Frenchie to carry her back.
The sun shines down overhead, reminding me to grab sunglasses next time I’m out here. I prefer the warm months to snow, but I miss the swaths of gray skies from the winter.
I herd the dogs back to the main path to return to the house as my phone rings from my pocket.
“Jack,” I answer. My throat grows instantly tight.
One. Two. Three.
I count until the feeling abates. It’s usually before I get to twelve but never more than twenty.
“Morning. You out with the pack?”
“Yup. We’re on our way back.”
“Aiden and I are here with a stray. She looks pretty rough. Thought we’d get her cleaned up and bring her into one of the rooms for a little extra comfort until Cortney can get to her.”
Our sister, Cortney, runs a veterinary practice in town and works as needed for the dogs we rescue.
“Help yourselves.” I kick a rock off the trail.
“Also thought we’d wait and grab a cup of coffee with you.”
He’s doing that thing he’s done our entire fucking lives. Feeling me out. Checking my pulse. For being my twin, he’s terrible at the whole kinetic brain thing. Maybe it’s because we’re fraternal.
Or maybe my thoughts are so dark he’s learned to silence it.
“Sounds like you’re doing a lot of thinking this morning. Don’t hurt yourself.”
Jack laughs loudly. Something new since he fell in love with a single mom and her toddlers. It suits him. Love, that is. Being loved as selflessly as Whitney and those kids love him.
“So?” He interrupts my musings. “Got a minute for a coffee?”
“Start a fresh pot. I’ll be there soon.”
I pocket my phone and take a quick headcount. Fifteen dogs tramp through the snow around me on the way back to the house. With everyone accounted for, we make the trek back at a slightly faster pace.
Jack’s SUV is parked up by the main house rather than near the intake building. The dogs funnel up the stairs to their door, racing around one another to reach the water dishes. The smell of coffee fills the air from the kitchen around the corner.
“Hey.” The greeting leaves my mouth as a roughened grunt.
Jack leans a hip against the counter, arms crossed over his chest and a tiny smirk tilting his mouth like he’s got some shit to say and he’s waiting to say it.
“Morning.”
“Uncle Dude!”
The little voice has me bracing for the touch certain to come. Before Bennett can run into my legs, I scoop him beneath the armpits and haul him into my arms.
“My man. Helping out today?”
“Daddy taked me to work!”
I chuckle at his exuberance. “I bet you’re a really big help.”
“I gived the doggie a snack! She was really hungry.”
I frown. “I bet she was.”
“Now she’s sleeping, so can I have a snack?”
“I thought we were stopping for waffles?” Jack asks.
“I forgot.” Bennett turns back to me with a grin and slaps my chest with both hands. “I get waffles.”
I bite back a flinch at the unexpected touch. “You’re lucky. I wish I had some waffles.”
He twists his neck back around to Jack. “Daddy, we take Dude to get waffles?”
My gut twists every damn time he refers to my brother as Daddy.
“That’s up to Uncle Jude.”
“Can’t go today, bud. I have to take care of the dogs.”
“You come next time?”
I avoid Jack’s eyes. “For sure, my man. Next time.”
His little arms wrap around my neck, and he squeezes me tight in a hug that echoes in my fucking heart. “K wuv you.”
The air leaves my lungs in a guh. “You too.” I tell him the best version of that sentence I can muster, knowing he’s too young to catch it. Knowing it’s not enough.
Bennett wiggles in my grip, inching down until I place him on his feet.
“Bennett, why don’t you go see how Uncle Aiden is doing with the dog?” Jack suggests.
“Okay!” He takes Jack’s hand and tows him to the stairs to the lower level.
“Be right back,” Jack clips over his shoulder.
As if I have anywhere else to fucking go. I grimace and pour myself a hot cup from the fresh pot and rake a hand through my hair.
Jack’s footsteps pound up the stairs a moment later.
“So how’ve you been?”
“Good,” I answer around the rim of my cup.
“Haven’t seen much of you around lately. You missed Mom’s this last week.”
Every Sunday, the six of us kids meet at our adoptive mom’s house for a home-cooked dinner. It started as a way to keep in touch as we grew up and moved out of our childhood home. After Dad died, Sunday dinners turned into a tradition we almost never miss.
“Didn’t want to go.”
“Is it the counting?”
“Jack.” There’s a warning wrapped around his name.
“You know we’re always willing to pick you up. You can always call any of us.”
“I missed one dinner. It’s been a busy spring, and I’m trying to keep up.”
His brows snap together. “Can I help? I have some free time. The motel hasn’t been too busy lately now that the snow is melting.”
Besides catching the occasional stray dog and helping around the Sanctuary, Jack owns the local motel as his main source of income.
I shake my head. “It’s nothing I can’t handle. I got busy cleaning debris in the fields, and by the time I was done, I didn’t feel like rushing inside to wash up.”
“Got it. I hope you can make it this week.”
I nod and swallow hard around a lump in my throat. “I’ll do my best.”
“Daddy!” Bennett calls up the stairs.
Jack levels me with a look and drops his voice. “And if your best starts to feel like too much, be sure to call before there’s a problem, yeah?”
“Will do,” I mutter with no small amount of annoyance.
Bennett appears at the top of the stairs, a smile stretching across his pink cheeks, with Aiden trailing behind.
“Is it time for waffles?” Bennett’s out of breath as he crashes into Jack’s legs. Jack picks him up and settles him on his hip.
“I think so. How’s the dog?”
“She’s sleepin’,” Bennett replies.
“We better leave her to sleep, then.” Jack smiles at the little boy in his arms before looking at me. “See you this weekend?”
Meddling asshole. “Yeah.”
“Nice to see you, Jude,” Aiden says with a sarcastic inflection and claps me on the back of my shoulder as he passes. Whether his phrasing is a coincidence or not, I still bristle at the implication that my family doesn’t see me enough.
They know where to find me. I’m always here at the Sanctuary.
“You too,” I reply.
“Bye, Uncle Dude!”
“See you later, my man.”
I remain at the counter in my kitchen until the door closing behind them silences their chatter and signals their departure.
Only then does my face crack into a semblance of a smile I feel safe enough to reveal.
The pack moves around the main room, their nails clicking across the floors. Playful yips and growls break the quiet air like the hum of a TV left on in the background. I set about filling bowls of food and water for breakfast and set them strategically around the room.
My brow furrows as I’m left holding one.
“Who’s missing?” I say aloud, garnering the attention of Toyota, a playful black lab. His ears perk up at my voice before he resumes eating.
I count the dogs again.
Fourteen.
It clicks, then. The enormous white fur of my Samoyed, Ashe, isn’t here.
With the bowl still tucked in my fist, I freeze at the front door. The pane of fogged glass separates me from the property as I squeeze my eyes shut.
One. Two. Three.
Seven. Eight. Nine.
The tension in my neck melts away along with the fear of imminent danger. My heart slows to its normal rhythm.
I tuck my feet into the muddy boots and step out onto the front porch.
“Ashe!” I call, my voice a deep reverberance in the otherwise still air. Greeted only by the whip of the wind, I shout her name again.
“Where the fuck are you?” I mutter. Leaving the dog bowl on the porch, I cut across the property to the shed and unlock the padlock. Swinging over the nearest ATV, I fire up the engine and take off down the trail.
“Ashe!” A sharp whistle follows the grainy shout.
This isn’t like her. She sticks close to me. Ever since Winnie, my old German shepherd, passed last year, Ashe has become my new sidekick. The first to snuggle against me when it’s time for bed. The first one up to greet me for breakfast. She’s never left the pack, never strayed, never not come home.
I defy the pounding of my heart by hitting the gas, tearing down the dirt road to the entrance of the Sanctuary. The land stretches wide, patches of green sprouting between expanses of shrinking snow. I scan the horizon for the dog between towering pines and the trunks of leafless trees. My fingers grow red and numb from the cold.
I cut left through the trees, meeting back up with the designated trail. Gravel pops beneath the tires.
“Ashe!”
My breath feels hot against my lips, floating in white clouds behind me. Ten minutes of searching turns into a half an hour. By the time I circle back around to the pond, an excited bark appears from behind a pine tree.
“Fucking finally,” I mumble. As I crawl the ATV along the trail, the sight of the eager dog following mollifies me.
If only she understood English, I’d berate her for disappearing.
As I return the ATV to the shed, she spots her food and dashes up the stairs to the abandoned bowl. The pack dances in front of the glass door in greeting of our return.
Ashe finishes her breakfast, turning to deliver a slobbery kiss to the back of my hand before waiting patiently for me to let her back inside where it’s warm.
This is why I only ever want to live with dogs. If I worry this much when one of them is hurt or missing, how would I react if the thing missing or injured is a person I loved?