4. Roman
CHAPTER 4
ROMAN
When the door shut behind Carson, my soul lurched after him. Some things never changed, no matter how much time had passed. Memories swirled of all the times I’d felt that same pull toward Carson back in high school.
The remaining SEALs peppered me with questions, but I dodged them all by asking after the injured SEAL I’d treated earlier.
“How’s your buddy?”
A ghost of a smile crossed the face of the big guy who’d come in with my patient earlier. “Adam’s doing well, considering. I appreciate,” he paused, waved his hand at the rest of the team before continuing, “we all appreciate what you did to help him.”
“Just doing my job, but if there’s anything you guys need while you’re here, let me know. I just got here from the sandbox myself, but I’ll help however I can.”
They all thanked me, and I beat a hasty retreat. I had no clue where Carson could have gone, and I really needed to get back down to the ER, but I couldn’t help myself, I had to find him. I checked my pager, then continued through the halls, checking every nook and cranny for the man my teenage crush had grown into.
When I approached the end of the corridor, I nearly turned around, but I kept going. When Carson came into view, I was glad I didn’t turn back. He must not have heard me approach. It gave me the chance to look over him freely in a way I’d been unable to do with all the others surrounding us.
He sat in the chair, hunched forward, elbows on his knees. That didn’t matter. I could still feel him pressed against me when he pulled me into his arms in the waiting room. He was taller than I remembered and bulkier. The lanky frame of a teenager had filled out into a thick, muscular hunk of a man who fit in my arms better than I remembered. And Jesus Christ, he was gorgeous.
For years, I’d told myself that I remembered wrong. That my mind played tricks on me, and he wasn’t as sexy as I believed.
I was wrong.
He was even more beautiful. Even sexier now than he was then. And he had a very real effect on the fit of my pants. My dick swelled, and I shifted to relieve some of the pressure. Carson’s head flew up, his eyes colliding with mine. Swallowing, I moved into the room and sat in front of him.
His eyes followed my movements. As lethal as I knew he probably was, I should liken his gaze to a predator, but something about his demeanor made me feel like I was the predator to his prey, and he was watching warily, waiting for me to strike.
“Hey,” I said. “I still can’t believe it’s you.”
He huffed under his breath. “Tell me about it. You went off to school, and we never heard from you again.”
I nodded. I couldn’t tell him why. DADT kept me from being the out and proud man I wanted to be. Instead, I pulled out my phone, found the most recent photo of Margot, and handed it to him.
“She’s why.”
“Holy shit. You’re a dad.”
He handed the phone back to me, and I took it with a grin, looking down at a picture of my beautiful little girl beaming into the camera.
“Yeah, I am. She’s four now.”
“She looks like you.”
“She does.”
I didn’t voice it, but I was so happy Margot looked like me, and I didn’t have to look at her mama’s face whenever I looked at my little girl.
“So, when did you get hitched?”
I scoffed. “As soon as I realized I was gonna be a daddy.”
“Well, let’s see her. Show me some pictures of the happy family.”
I looked at him for a moment, then pulled up another picture, handing him my phone again. Confusion danced across his face as I knew it would.
“Umm. Dude. That’s your mama.”
I laughed, then said, “Yeah. I never thought I’d end up co-parenting with my mother.”
“What happened?”
I shrugged. “Margot’s mom, Sasha, got pregnant during a drunken one-night stand, and I married her. I didn’t love her, and she didn’t love me. She wanted a free ride, and I wanted to provide for my baby. As soon as Margot was born, Sasha took off. My mom came to stay with us for a bit, and she never left. To be honest, she’s been a godsend. Never tell her I said that.”
Carson chuckled.
“So, the SEALs, huh?” I asked. It was stupid. I knew that, but I desperately wanted to stretch out our time together as much as I could.
“Yeah. That was always the goal. But you knew that. I told you. Hell, you were the only one I ever told.”
My lips tugged. His trust back then had filled my chest with warmth, and that same feeling washed over me now just as it did then. I was about to say something; I didn’t know what, but I stopped when my name came over the hospital's public address system.
A deep sigh heaved through my body as I stood, and Carson did as well. I reached out, pulled him into my body, and gripped him to me tightly before I pushed him away.
“I gotta go, but do you think you’ll still be around tomorrow?”
“Fuck knows, dude. I never know where I’ll be from one minute to the next. Before this mission, they put us on leave and declared us undeployable, only to call us back at a moment’s notice.”
“You got your phone handy?”
I added my contact info and sent myself a text when he handed it to me.
“Now you have my number, and I sent myself a text, so I’ll have yours. I’ve gotta run. Let me know what your schedule is like. Mama would love to see you again,” I said.
“Just your mama?” he asked, his eyes going wide.
I didn’t know what that was all about, but that place in my chest where I’d boxed up all those feelings I’d had for him all those years ago, that spot, just got all warm and toasty.
Glancing over my shoulder to make sure we were alone, I stepped toward him and said, “I always want to see you.”
The tilt of his head as he looked up at me, and the bobbing of his Adam’s apple, up and down his neck right as he swallowed, caught my gaze. My mouth watered as I watched the slow slide of his throat and the fluttering of his blood in his neck.
Lord have mercy. The man was deadly in more ways than one. When I looked at him, though, he looked… scared, nervous. I didn’t know which, but under those emotions was heat. Something I’d never seen on his face before. I took a deep breath and a step back to quell the urge to shove him against a wall and run my tongue up his throat.
Another page, thankfully not for me, drew my attention, and I said, “Call me or text if that’s better. I mean it.”
“Wilco,” he said, twisting his wrist back and forth, holding up the shaka sign.
I laughed as memories of all the times I’d seen him do the same thing washed over me. I took off at a jog toward the stairs, fighting the urge to glance over my shoulder with every other step. Hope bubbled up. After all these years, I couldn’t believe that he basically fell into my lap.
Pausing at the door to the stairwell, I looked back. Carson stood there, staring at me, and the smile I’d been fighting tugged at my face until a grin stretched my mouth wide. So wide embarrassment bloomed and heated my face.
I raised my hand in a slight wave and pushed open the door, stopping on the other side. The door slammed shut with a metal clang, making me jump. I turned and looked at the closed door, heaving a deep sigh. I hated walking away from him. I wanted to sit next to him and catch up. To drown myself in his presence. And as much as I wanted more from him, back then and now, I knew that was impossible for so many reasons. But a friendship… well, that was a little less impossible.
I didn’t care. Back then, Carson was my touchstone, and after being reunited, I refused to build walls between us. Nodding to cement my resolve, I tore down the stairs, firing off a text to Carson as I went.
Roman
It was great seeing you. Don’t forget to let me know if you can meet up tomorrow.
Carson
Heading back to the waiting room now.
We should know something soon.
The brass isn’t gonna let us twiddle our thumbs for long.
I’m hoping they put us back on leave, but I’m doubting it.
I shot off a quick response as I chuckled. He was one of those texters, but that was okay. I’d deal with it for the warmth that flooded my chest at his words. It would be amazing if that were the case. I’d have to work, of course, but Mama loved Carson, and she’d be ecstatic to see him.
At the foot of the stairs, I pushed through the door and stepped into the chaos of a trauma center. Doctors and nurses calling out orders and vitals, people yelling for assistance, machines beeping, and patients moaning and groaning. The cacophony had an ebb and flow, blending together in a symphony those not in the trauma profession would find morbid, those of us who were found it weirdly comforting.
It was like a drug to most of us. The chaos, energy, and excitement, the life and death, all fed the addiction to the point where too many days away had you jittery and looking forward to the next day in the trenches.
It also made the time fly by like nothing else I’d ever experienced. Well, it wasn’t quite as good as great sex. That was the best drug of all. One I’d not had the pleasure of in quite some time.
Being gay in the military under DADT was difficult enough. Deployments made it even harder. There was no privacy. At least not enough for this gay man. I had a daughter to provide for, and while I could make more money in the private sector, I still owed Uncle Sam time and dollars on the contract for my medical degree.