15. Carson
CHAPTER 15
CARSON
I woke at the ass crack of dawn, my eyes popping open as the sound of my parents trudging down the stairs drifted through the door of my childhood bedroom. I glanced at the clock and groaned, rolled over, pulling the pillow over my head, and let myself doze back off.
Sometime later, I woke to footsteps on the steps again. They’d barely gone quiet when the smell of fresh coffee filled the air. That was my cue. I stretched and yawned, rolled out of bed, and headed for the shower before jogging down the steps.
I walked into the kitchen, and the color drained from Mama’s face. Her hands flew to her mouth, and she screamed from behind them as she rushed me.
“Oh, my goodness! Carson Adrian Wilcox! When did you get here?”
I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her to me. Mama was a tiny little bitty thing. Every single one of us dwarfed her, including me, with my just shy of average height for a guy.
“In the middle of the damn night. I damn near shot him,” Daddy said into the coffee mug he had poised in front of his lips.
I chuckled and kissed Mama on the top of her head before grabbing my own cuppa joe. A few sips in, I asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“You can sit there and let me look at you.”
“Peel the potatoes.”
My belly rolled as I laughed at them. Daddy hated peeling potatoes. He tried to pass it off to one of us boys every year.
“Cal, you leave my baby alone. He’s on vacation,” Mama said as she swatted him with the dish towel lying over the back of a kitchen chair.
“So am I,” Daddy muttered under his breath.
Mama turned back to the food cooking on the stove. The smells filled the air, and my stomach growled. She came over with a basket of biscuits, then set the jams, jellies, and butter on the table, too.
I reached for a biscuit, only to pause, my head turning toward the sound I heard. On instinct, I stood, prepared to protect those I loved. But a second later, the front door opened, and a chorus of “Happy Thanksgiving!” rang through the house as my brothers began filling the house.
I turned back to the biscuits and caught a glimpse of Daddy’s expression. Shock mixed with concern. I’d seen it many times in my life. Usually, it was at the ER after I’d gotten hurt playing whatever sport I was in at the time. Most of the time, it had been football, but I took a couple of shots at-bat when I played baseball, which landed me in the hospital. That look graced his face every time.
“You okay, son?”
“Yes, sir. Just instinct. I didn’t expect anyone this early,” I explained.
His response got cut off by Trip and his brood coming into the kitchen with Mama and Trip’s wife, Ashley, bringing up the rear.
“Well, fuck me running. The conquering hero decided to grace us with his presence. Y’all best grab your kneepads so you can get low enough to kiss his ass.”
“Calhoun Wilcox!”
“Boy, you know how I feel about that language.”
Mama and Daddy both yelled at the prick. He was my brother, and I’d fight the hounds of hell for him, but he was a grade-A asshole.
“It’s nice to see you too, Trip,” I said while buttering a biscuit.
Ashley came around the table and smacked my shoulder. “You stand up and hug me, then I wanna hear about all the cool places you’ve been lately.”
“Yes, ‘em,” I said, shoving the last bite of the biscuit in my mouth before wrapping my arms around her and lifting her off the ground.
She giggled and squealed, squirming in my arms as she beat on my shoulders.
“Okay. Now spill,” she said as I sat her back down on her feet.
“Afghanistan and Germany, Ash. That’s the only two places I go anymore.”
“Oooh! Germany! I’ve always wanted to go there.”
Looking at her, I could remember the sweet girl who sat behind me in homeroom and flirted with me. Life would have been so much easier if she were the person I’d been attracted to back then. Instead, I blushed and stammered while she hit on me, all while thinking about Roman Ott.
Trip walked up behind her, wrapped his arm around her waist, and pulled her back into his chest. “That place is full of Nazis, baby. Ain’t fit for God-fearing folks.”
I rolled my eyes, then said, “Well, Landstuhl and Ramstein are basically part of the U.S., considering there are two huge military bases there, filled with, you know, Americans. Plus, this isn’t the forties if you hadn’t noticed.”
“I thought you lived in Virginia, Uncle Carson,” Trip’s youngest asked, around a mouthful of Mama’s biscuits.
I smiled at him. He was the spitting image of Trip and Daddy. He was even named after them, which is why the family called him Little Man. Poor kid would be stuck with that for the rest of his life.
“I am, bud, but I get sent to Germany pretty often.”
“I thought you were a sailor? Germany ain’t near any oceans.”
I looked at my family like they had two heads.
Ashley swatted at him. “Jesus, Trip. Look at a map. It’s between the North and Baltic Seas, but that’s not where those bases are.”
“No, it’s where the military hospital is,” I replied without thinking.
Fuck.
“Wait. You’ve been injured? When? And why didn’t I get a phone call?”
The front door opened and closed, saving me from answering as Curt, Corey, and their broods came tromping in like a herd of elephants, with Casey and Craig following behind. I’d never told the family I went to BUD/S and became a SEAL. They didn’t know anything about my work.
Daddy stood up to greet his grandbabies, then came to sit next to me.
He leaned in and whispered, “If you think you’re getting away with not answering why your mama and me didn’t know our son had been injured in combat, you’ve got another thing coming, son.”
“I’ll tell everyone during dinner.”
“Sounds like your best bet.”
Daddy got up and moved off to stir something on the stove. He could cook a few things, not much, but what he did make was damn good. One of the few things he made was the dressing we had at Christmas and Thanksgiving. It was one of my favorites. We didn’t call it stuffing because we didn’t stuff it in anything, but it was the same damn thing.
“As usual, you made a spectacle, and now all I’ll hear about while I’m off work trying to spend time with my wife and kids is all the places you’ve fucking been and how we should go to this place and that place. And what do you know… it’s all the damn places you’ve opened your trap about.”
“No spectacle. It’s just my life, Trip, and it’s not the least bit glamorous.”
“But she doesn’t know that. All she knows and all I hear about after you’ve come and gone is how much better your life must be than ours. If we didn’t have three kids and another on the way, I’d pack her up and ship her off to live with you. But we do, God help me, and I fucking love her so Goddamn much that I ignore the fact it’s you she loves, not me. When you’re not here, we’re fucking happy, but the minute she sets eyes on you, it takes weeks to get her back to herself.”
My mouth dropped open, completely flabbergasted at his words. “Trip…”
“Don’t. Just… don’t. The fact you don’t love her doesn’t change how she feels about you.”
He got up and walked away, leaving me dumbfounded. I looked over at Ashley, sitting with Curt and Corey’s wives, Suzanne and Dana. Their arms flailed about as they wrangled kids while chatting and laughing with each other.
She was a beautiful woman, but when I looked at her, all I saw was my sister. Same as with Suzanne and Dana. Any longing I had came from wishing Roman and Margot were here. This is where they belonged—them and Roman’s mama. They were the family I dreamed of, the one I wanted. I’d buried the dream of a life with Roman nearly a decade ago, but one glimpse of him, and that precocious bit of sass and sunshine, and the dream flickered back to life. They were all I wanted, here beside me. I wanted Mama and Daddy to welcome Roman like they had my sisters-in-law. I wanted them to smother Margot with kisses and hugs and love until she giggled and squirmed.
I stood, my chair rocking back on two legs before righting itself. Mama, Daddy, and my sisters-in-law all turned, but I waved them off, mumbling… something, what I didn’t fucking know. I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. My brothers had turned on the TV. The parade was on, and they were all talking about the games slated for the day.
“Hey, Car, you watching the games?” Casey, one of the twins, asked.
I nodded absently and continued out to the front porch. Bone-deep shivers ran through me as the cold air enveloped me. I hadn’t noticed how hot the house was until I stepped outside in my short-sleeved blue and gold Navy T-shirt.
It was cold enough to make me contemplate going back inside, but the heat hadn’t been what drove me out here, and the cold wasn’t enough to make me go back inside. Instead, I paced the snow-covered porch partly for warmth but mostly in frustration.
Why couldn’t I put Roman out of my head? I did it once before. I didn’t remember it being so fucking hard. Now, though, every effort to toss him out of my mind and lock him away had the fucker that lived in me laughing diabolically. That laugh and the memory of his smiling face reminded me I wanted him beside me. I wanted the chance to know and love Margot.
“Fuck!” I growled, dropping into a squat and beating my fists against my head.
“Carson?”
I shot to my feet and walked down the porch to where it turned to wrap around the side of the house. There, Mama had created another cozy sitting area. I flopped down in a chair that overlooked the yard and the creek beyond it, hoping the person who followed me outside would take a hint.
“Running away again?” she asked.
I looked up at her. She stood, holding out my coat to me. I sighed and took it, dropping it on the seat next to me.
“No, Ashley. I’m not. And I don’t know what you mean by again.”
She sat in the chair across from me, poised on the edge with her hands gripping the cushions. Her white knuckles told a different story than the calm, sweet facade she thought she was portraying. Maybe someone else would’ve fallen for it, but I’d known her all our lives and was trained to notice that shit.
“You ran away from home and joined the Navy after graduation. You ran away from me. From all of us.”
Sweet Jesus.
“Ash…”
“You were so clueless. You still are.”
“Not so much anymore. Not since my brother, your husband , said something that threw me for a loop.”
“Carson…”
I stopped her. I wouldn’t, couldn’t , let her go there.
“Ashley, I didn’t run away. The Navy was always my goal. It was all I wanted. And if what Trip said to me earlier is true, you need to know I don’t feel that way. I never have, but your husband does, and you need to come to terms with that. How you decide to do it is up to you, but I’m not your guy. I never will be, and it’s not because of Trip or you. It’s because of me. Because of who and what I am.”
She nodded, but tears welled in her eyes, anyway. And then they fell, and her chin dimpled. A soft sob broke the silence between us, and she dashed her hands across her wet cheeks over and over.
I hated I couldn’t comfort her, but that would only encourage those feelings, and that wouldn’t do. As we sat together, silence slowly enveloped us. Occasionally broken by her sniffles, I waited her out, watching her nod every so often as if she were talking to herself.
When she finally seemed to settle, I said, “Congratulations, by the way. I hear you’re giving Trip another little one?”
“Yeah. I am. We’ve not told the family yet, so if you could…”
“I won’t say anything.”
“Thanks.”
She seemed resigned, but that was between her and my brother. I wasn’t touching that shit with a ten-foot pole.
“I’m glad. I love my nephews, so the more, the merrier. By the way, I appreciate all the shit y’all post on social media. It’s how I stay connected.”
“We have a family group chat,” she said out of the blue.
“Really?”
I couldn’t imagine Daddy and my brothers using something like that.
“Yeah, Suzanne set it up. We put everyone in it but wasn’t sure if we should add you because it’s a lot of figurin’ and plannin’ about who’s gettin’ who from school or practice, but there’s other stuff, too.”
“Y’all can add me. I won’t always be able to respond or keep up, but deployments can get lonely. Long nights on some foreign base or in a hammock on a plane are when I scroll social media.”
She laughed. “I kinda figured that out because the times you respond are so random.”
I nodded. “They are. My schedule is a nightmare, even for me. There’s been times when we’ve just got home and had to turn around and get back on a plane.”
“A plane? Like Top Gun?”
I laughed. “No. Not at all. More like something big enough to carry a couple of tanks.”
“Wow! I can’t even imagine something that big, but then again, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a tank in person.”
“Okay, how about this… it’s almost big enough to hold two tractor-trailers.”
Her eyes rounded, and she asked, “Like two of my daddy’s big coal trucks?”
Her mouth dropped open when I nodded, and her already big eyes got rounder. If I did the math right, it was about a foot of so shy of being tall enough and about six or ten feet to narrow but that was the closest I could get to something she’d recognize. I chuckled at the flabbergasted look still on her face. I had a similar look the first time I walked up next to the one we used. It was big as fuck.
A throat cleared nearby. I turned my head to see my brother standing there watching us. He stared at me, then looked toward his wife. Her gaze bounced from me to him and back, but Trip’s gaze never strayed from her. Not until she got up and leaned over to kiss my cheek.
Trip’s face went to war as he watched his wife. One second, it sagged with devastation, then the next, he flushed with anger. And even though I knew he had nothing to worry about from me, I also knew we’d fight before this trip was over. His ego wouldn’t survive without taking a swing at me.
“Thank you, Carson,” she said and stood back up.
I nodded. She walked over to Trip, placing her hand on his chest. I felt like an intruder, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. She rose on her toes and pressed her lips to his. He didn’t move or twitch until she stepped into him, fitting her body to his. He growled, pulled her against him, and took her mouth like he was staking a claim. I wondered what it would feel like to have someone want me so much they’d lay claim to me like that.
Not someone.
Roman.
Because I was his. He just didn’t know it.
I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back onto my shoulders. Whispered words, too low to hear, joined the sounds of the mountains around us. Soft footsteps followed, but I didn’t bother looking to see who walked away. There ain’t no way my brother could move that quiet, not even when we hunted. He was like a bull in full charge.
“Are we going to have a problem?”
Trip’s voice was rough and thick. I opened my eyes and met his gaze. The pain I saw in his gaze a moment ago was still there, and I came to understand his animosity toward me a bit more.
“No. I’m not interested in her. Never have been, never will be, and I told her that. Now I’m telling you… I love her, Trip, but I love her as a sister, and because she’s your wife, and the mother of your babies. She’s family. That’s it.”
His gaze never wavered, and neither did mine. Finally, he nodded. I pushed myself to my feet. My brothers all topped me by several inches, Trip more than the others. He drew himself up as tall as possible, but relaxed, his eyes widening, when I held my hand out to him.
At that moment, I vowed to put forth more effort with my brothers. For all the years I’d been in the service, I separated myself from my family. There weren’t any good excuses.
I was homesick.
They were too far away.
They wouldn’t understand.
I didn’t want to scare them.
But all I’d done was isolate myself and distance them from my life.
Only interacting with them when Mama and Daddy showed up on my doorstep or they guilted me into coming home for a visit.
“Don’t leave me hanging, brother,” I said, trying to cover the plea with a joking tone.
His rough palm slid over mine and squeezed. Using our joined hands, I pulled him to me, hugging my brother in what had to be more than a decade. I hoped this would ease us into a better place and him into a more tolerant and accepting attitude.
“Awwww, look, guys, they do love each other.”
Trip and I looked over at Craig. Curt, Corey, and Casey stood with him, all of them grinning and cackling like deranged monkeys.
Trip looked at me, a smirk growing on his face as I smiled back. I knew this wasn’t the end of the animosity between us, but it was a start.
“Oh, shit!” one of our brothers shouted just before they took off running, scrambling over each other.
Trip and I took off after them, and soon, we were wrestling in the yard like we were teenagers again. None of us could keep the upper hand. Not even me, with all my training, because as soon as I got someone pinned, I was double- and triple-teamed.
Cheers surrounded us, and when I looked up, the kids, boys really because that’s what my family had—there hadn’t been a girl in three generations—stood around us hootin’ and hollerin’.
I grabbed Curt’s six-year-old twins, Michael and Marshall, and pulled them down into the pile with us. Trip’s oldest, Little Man, dove into the mix, and the other kids followed suit. Soon, there were so many arms and legs that you couldn’t tell what belonged to who.
Over the laughter and squeals of happiness that would forever live on in my memory, I heard Mama and my sisters-in-law yelling from the porch.
“Carson Adrian Wilcox. You’re gonna freeze to death. You don’t even got a coat on.”
“Y’all are going to hurt yourselves!”
“Dear Lord! Y’all fools, get up. There’s snow on the ground.”
“Curt! If my boys get hurt, I’m gonna hurt you!”
“Food’s on!” Daddy’s voice broke through the chaos like reveille when the bugles sounded on base.
Everything stopped, and we all looked toward the porch. Mama stood with her hands on her hips, apron on, and a dishtowel in her hand.
Mama turned for the door, only to stop and point at us as she said, “You boys will not come to my table looking like pigs who’ve rolled in slop. So, you best getcha selves cleaned up.”
The screen door slammed shut behind Mama.
Ashley yelled, “You boys get to clean them babies up since y’all got‘em dirty.”
The screen door squeaked as Ashley jerked it open and followed Mama into the house with Suzanne and Dana right on her heels.
“Welp. Y’all heard the womenfolk. And don’t waste time. I’m starved,” my dad said before disappearing inside.
An hour later, we had all nine kids spit-shined. All the adults found their seats around Mama’s enormous dining room table. The older kids sat at the folding tables while the littlest three, Corey and Dana’s Tyler, and their twins, Tanner and Taylor, sat in Corey, Dana, and Mama’s laps while we passed food around the table.
Three kids under two. Jesus, I couldn’t imagine.
For the first few minutes, all you could hear was babies babbling and utensils hitting the plates, but then Mama said, “Alright, Carson. I want an answer.”
“To?” I asked.
Yes. I was a smart ass.
“Germany, and why have you been there without your family being told?”
“I’m not regular Navy.”
“What do you mean, not regular Navy? Is there an irregular Navy?”
She might look sweet, but Mama was the OG smart-ass.
“I’m a SEAL,” I simply said.
Dead silence, the likes of which a sub commander would’ve been proud of, took hold of the room. Forks and spoons hovered in mid-air as every eye in the room looked at me.
“Uncle Carson, does that mean you swim a lot?” Trip’s son Samuel asked from where he stood between his mama and daddy, peering at me, just barely tall enough to be seen above the tabletop.
I huffed a laugh and said, “Sometimes, buddy, but it’s not like swimming with your brothers or cousins. I swim for work, not because it’s fun.”
A fork clattered against a plate, drawing my attention. Mama handed Tyler off to Ashley, sitting next to her, and ran from the room, her hand over her mouth.
Wiping my mouth, I stood. “Excuse me,” I said, pushing my chair in.
I found her in her reading room. I paused in the doorway. When we boys were growing up, this room had been her solace. We weren’t allowed to put a toe over the threshold without permission, or Daddy would tan our hides.
“Permission to enter?” I asked.
She nodded but continued to stare at her clasped hands.
“Mama…”
“How could you not tell us? How could you put yourself in the kinda danger that could take you from us and not even tell us?”
The devastation in her voice hit me like a shot to the nuts. I squatted in front of her, wrapping my hands around her smaller ones.
“I do it for y’all, Mama. I do for my country and for every person who lives in it because I never want to see this country go through another 9/11.”
“But you could be killed.”
“He could be killed if he was in the mines, too, Georgie.”
I glanced over my shoulder. Daddy leaned against the doorframe with his ankles crossed and his arms folded over his chest.
“If y’all are going to talk about this, then do it where we can all ask questions and get answers,” Craig said from behind Daddy.
I spent the rest of the day talking to my family about shit I should’ve told them years ago. I explained what my unit did as well as possible without going into classified details. Ashley even got the laptop I’d sent Mama and Daddy a couple of years ago.
“Is this the plane you were talking about?” she asked.
I looked at the screen she had turned toward me. After that, it was one photo and video after another as I introduced my family to my life. The worry in my brothers’ eyes took a back seat to the pride that grew the longer I talked. But for Mama, Daddy, and my sisters-in-law, the pride was there, but it was the worry that grew because my nephews, the older ones anyway, kept oohing and ahhing.
I didn’t know if speaking up had been the right thing to do after all, but the weight that had pressed down on me and kept the distance between me and my family wider than the Grand Canyon was gone.