26. Carson
CHAPTER 26
CARSON
Three fucking months.
I stepped onto this base three fucking months ago in complete disbelief. And here I stood, three months later, and I still couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening.
I dressed in front of the mirror in my room at the barracks. Behind me, my roommate was doing the same. Piece by piece, we donned our dress blues. I’d worn a uniform so often that it felt like coming home. But today, something was different. Like the guy I was, the SEAL I was, transformed into something new with every button I fastened. I was the same man I’d always been. This uniform made me feel different, but it wasn’t better than the other.
My time as enlisted was a point of pride. I worked my ass off for the Navy, my country, my team, and for this opportunity. Without the eight years I served prior to stepping foot in Rhode Island, I wouldn’t be standing here.
The Navy took a lonely, confused kid and turned him into a man. They broke me, then honed me into what they needed to complete their mission. I thanked God every day I enlisted, and now, things were paying off.
Turning to the closet, I unzipped the garment bag, sliding it off the shoulders of my double-breasted Service Dress Blue Coat. The gold buttons shone brightly in the fluorescent lights. I grabbed the lint roller and moved it over the already pristine fabric.
“Holy fuck, Wilcox, that’s…”
I turned, looking at him over my shoulder. He was already wearing his coat. He had the bearing of a Navy man. His shoulders were square, head high, gaze level, but he was young. Green. The War on Terror would change that as it did for every man and woman who served this country. It would leave its mark. It always did.
Shaking that shit from my head, I followed his gaze. It was focused where most everyone’s focus would be. The fruit salad and its corresponding hardware were pinned to the front of my coat.
Eight years of combat as a SEAL had decorated my body in more ways than one. What most people saw were the ribbons and medals that decorated my chest and not the wounds that covered my body. Granted, the ribbons and medals were much prettier to look at.
“Damn, man, I knew you were enlisted, but looking at some of those ribbons and medals, it’s no wonder you left the rest of us in the dust.”
“I didn’t leave y’all in the dust. Y’all gave me a run for my money.”
He laughed at the lie. All of them were good, but they didn’t stand a chance against a hardened Navy SEAL. Yes, I was a cocky bastard.
“Wilcox, you outran a state track champion and didn’t even break a sweat doing it.”
“Yeah, well, if you knew the fuckers I ran with, you’d know where I got my git up and go,” I joked as I pulled the coat off the hanger and slid it on.
The weight of it settled on my shoulders, and I closed my eyes as the feeling of accomplishment washed over me. Goals I didn’t have the guts to make had been realized. The dreams I didn’t have the heart to acknowledge were still there. Now that I had achieved what I thought was unachievable, I wanted to embrace what I had pushed away and suffocated, because if I could accomplish this, which I didn’t dare to dream, then there wasn’t anything keeping me from what I really wanted. I’d work the problem and figure it the fuck out.
“I’d look like a Cheshire cat who ate the canary, too, if I had the chest candy you’ve got. That shit’s gotta be a chick magnet.”
And that was why he and I wouldn’t ever be more than acquaintances.
I stared at him as a growl brewed in my throat, but I ignored it and said, “That’s not something I need to rely on medals for.”
Dipshit.
I turned back to the mirror, adjusting the sleeves of my coat and dress shirt. I’d be glad to get back to my people because, as excited as I was to be Ensign Wilcox, I didn’t fucking understand some of these kids I went through OCS with.
“Yo! Speedy Gonzales, get the fucking lead out. You’ve made me eat your dust for three months, and now, you’re holding shit up.”
A grin stretched my face as I spun on my heel to look at the smart-mouth asshole standing in the doorframe. He was the least annoying of the bunch, and the track star dipshit accused me of out-running him.
“Ensign, one thing you’ll learn is the Navy don’t wait for no one, and I ain’t never been late for anything.”
He laughed and nodded as he said, “You’re an asshole.”
I chuckled. He wasn’t wrong. I could be.
I grabbed my wallet, keys, and all the silver dollars I’d ordered and filled my pockets, then settled my cover on my head. I had to say, I looked damn good in an officer’s get-up.
“Let’s go get commissioned. I need a fucking drink, and then I need to get back to my unit.”
Questions about where I was headed after OCS filled the cacophony behind me. I kept who and what I was under wraps. The dipshit’s voice I shared a room with for the last three months was louder than the rest. He speculated about the ribbons and medals and how I got them until one of the others spoke up.
“Damn, Judson, just shut the fuck up. Wilcox isn’t the only one here with a chest full of medals.”
I was used to the fawning and awe that came with being a SEAL. It happened whenever people learned what I did. Well, it was either fawning or this weird, standoffish fear as if I would kill them for looking at me funny. Either way, it was uncomfortable as fuck. As for the fawning from people who made it through OCS right beside me, well, it was a bit much. The dipshit would’ve probably continued, but luckily, it was time for our last inspection.
The march to the ceremony after inspection filled me with deja vu. Mama and Daddy said they’d be here, and when I marched past the spectators, I spotted them, dressed in their Sunday best. My brothers and their families were there as well.
And damn…
Adam and Brock were here, too, standing behind my family. I clenched my jaw to maintain composure because the swell of all the emotional bullshit flooding my system nearly did me in. I glanced back at them, trying to convey that I saw them as subtly as possible so I didn’t get called out and dressed down in front of anyone.
Holy fuck!
I damn near fell over as my eyes roamed over the people standing around my family and teammates when we paused. Shock burst through me like a fucking atomic bomb. I bore down even harder. If I clenched my teeth anymore, they were going to shatter, but it was all I could do to hold in all the shit I felt at that moment.
Roman Ott was there, decked out in his Army uniform.
I scanned the crowd again, and there… standing with my mama was Amelia Ott, and Daddy was holding Margot on his hip. It was as if all the dreams I ever imagined, and even the ones I’d not dared to dream, were coming true.
I couldn’t believe he was here. They were here. I hadn’t had the chance to speak to him since my birthday. I sent him a text when we took off from Afghanistan, and again when I got to Rhode Island, then another couple when I’d been given access to my phone, but that had been it. I’d been made class leader, and there were some damn chuckle nuts in this class that kept me busy as fuck.
We turned toward Kay Hall, and emotion swelled my throat shut until I nearly choked on it as I caught another glimpse of them out of the corner of my eye. The sight of my family surrounding the man I wanted to be mine, the little girl I wanted to claim as my own… it got to me.
Everything after that was a blur with a filter of disbelief laid over it. I was still waiting to wake up from the dream I swore I was in. I’d probably be pinching myself if it weren’t for all the people watching.
The ceremony started, but my focus remained on the group of people behind us, namely on one man and his adorable little girl.
The official parties gave their speeches.
The awards were presented.
Then there was the roll call of names, with each of us standing when our name and designation were called.
And, finally , we were released.
I stood with my classmates and looked around for the couple of guys heading to BUD/S. I wanted to introduce them to Adam and Brock since they were here.
But what I really fucking wanted was to set my sights on Roman Ott.
Don’t run to him. Don’t run to him. Don’t run to him.
The reminded flashed through my head along with all the things I’d spent years dreaming of.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him.
I wanted to kiss him and tell him how I felt about him, but I knew that wouldn’t be possible.
Partly because I didn’t fucking know if he was even gay.
It always came back to that and all the other obstacles. The No Fraternization policy wasn’t an issue any longer. OCS and the Ensign insignia I now wore got rid of that one. But there were still two big ones.
His sexuality.
DADT.
And I guess you should add in the Conduct Unbecoming we could get slapped with if he was gay and interested.
“Wilcox!”
“Alpha Two!”
I turned toward my classmates' voices who were headed to BUD/S coming. They came toward me from one direction while Adam and Brock came from the other.
Being Alpha Two was fucking weird. That had been Adam’s spot up until he was captured. His rehab, and Brock’s, moved me into that position. It was still something I was getting used to.
The SEAL candidates, Matthews and Donelli, got to me first. They were brand spanking new to Navy life, having come to OCS after completing college first, and their eyes lit on my chest full of medals.
I shook my head and laughed, “You’ll get yours soon enough. Just don’t ring that fucking bell.”
“Ensign Wilcox,” Brock said as he and Adam stopped before us.
They snapped to attention and saluted me. Another wave of emotion washed over me as I returned their salute. They were on me before my arm was back at my side with bro hugs and slaps to my back and shoulders.
“Damn proud of you, kid,” Adam said.
“Thanks, Adam. I appreciate it, but you’re not old enough to call me kid.”
He chuckled and looked at Matthews and Donelli. “Shit, I forgot y’all. I’m a bit outta practice.”
“No worries,” Donelli said.
“We wanted our swim buddy’s first salute to be from another SEAL.”
“That’s understandable,” Matthews said.
“Speaking of… here,” I said, my hands outstretched toward them, a silver dollar in each.
I’d been prepared to get my first salute from my training NCOs, but handing over these silver dollars to my teammates would be a memory I carried forever.
“They’re headed to BUD/S,” I told Adam and Brock.
Brock saluted Matthews while Adam did the same for Donelli. Once they offered up their silver dollars, they all started shooting the shit about what was headed their way.
I was stopped from joining when Mama and several little voices yelled, “Carson!”
Mama flew at me, wrapping her arms around me, and the smile that stretched my face already spread out more as I picked her up and swung her around. I was honestly surprised she and the rest of the bunch hadn’t overrun Brock and Adam before they could salute me, but I figured they’d been warned to wait. Whatever it was, I didn’t care.
When I sat her down, Mama kissed my cheek. “I’m so proud of you, baby.”
“Thanks, Mama.”
My jacket pulled at my shoulders, and I looked down. Margot stood there tugging at my coat.
I dropped to one knee and said, “Yes, Your Highness.”
She giggled behind her hands as she said, “I wanna fly too.”
At least, that’s what I thought she said. Given her squeals when I swung her into the air, I nailed it. With all the little Wilcoxes in attendance, I spent the next few minutes twirling kids around.
“Y’all let the boy alone. He’s going to scramble his brains spinning around like that.”
“Hey, Daddy.”
He pulled me into his arms and whispered, “I’m proud of you, boy.”
I nodded at him when he pushed me away from him. His eyes shone with pride, and I worried coming out would cost me this man’s love, affection, and approval. Losing that would gut me. Hell, losing it from any member of my family would kill me.
It might make me a coward, but if Roman wasn’t interested in me that way, I wouldn’t say a damn thing. What was the use? Roman was the only man I felt anything for. If and when I got the gumption up to talk to him about how I felt, and if he welcomed my feelings, that’s when I would talk with my family.
Not before.
“Congratulations, Ensign.”
I looked over Daddy’s shoulder, and there he was.
Damn.
He looked good.
So damn good.
The scrubs he wore fit like they were tailor-made just for him, but his uniform highlighted just what kinda shape he was in. Him hugging me all those months ago, and the way his body felt against mine, was burned into my memory. Seeing him here now, for me, I wanted to experience that again.
Daddy stepped out of the way, and I saluted Roman, barely giving him time to return the gesture before pulling him into my embrace. A rush of everything he made me feel barreled through me for the umpteenth time today. There were so many feelings that I couldn’t name them all, but what they became once combined could only be described one way.
Home.
That’s what Roman Ott was for me, and I was done denying it.
Now I just had to grow a pair and tell him.