Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Nightmares flash before my eyes. Over and over again.
I know that they’re nightmares. That this isn’t real.
But I still can’t get out of them. I can’t wake myself up.
I can’t move. Can’t scream. Can’t do anything but lie there while it feels as if someone is sitting on my chest and strangling my throat with cold, brutal hands while forcing me to watch every awful memory I’ve ever had with my parents.
Drinking glasses shatter on the floor.
They’re going to hate me. They hate me now. Oh Goddess, they hate me. The thoughts echo through my skull, as real as that day when I broke the glasses.
Screamed arguments between my parents. Arguments about them. About me.
Resentment and hatred.
Snide comments and frustrated anger.
My mother’s furious voice and the tears in her eyes.
The last words she ever spoke to me. We loved each other.
And you broke us. You took our emotions and twisted them up so badly that we could never be sure if we were truly angry with each other or if we were happy or calm or stressed or if we had any feelings at all.
Or if it was all just your vicious meddling. You ruined us. You ruined everything.
The resentment in their eyes before Jessina slit their throats.
The blood. The thuds. The pools of red spreading across the pale stone floor.
I thrash desperately against the unseen hands that are strangling my throat and keeping me trapped in these nightmares.
Screaming, I throw my head from side to side.
But the nightmares don’t stop. Just like Orion’s twelve-hour torture session, those awful memories keep flashing before my eyes over and over again.
Panicked sobs rip from my throat.
I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to—
“Selena!”
I gasp awake.
Terrified, I try to scramble backwards but my limbs are trapped in something. Another panicked sob tears from my lips as I shove at the soft fabric that is tangled around my legs. My head is still screaming at me, and lingering memories flicker in my vision, bleeding into the real world around me.
Then Draven’s hands cup my cheeks and his worried eyes appear right in front of me. “Selena. Take a breath. Focus on me, only on me, and draw in a long breath.”
My heart is still hammering against my ribs, and my pulse thrums in my ears while my instincts are screaming at me to flee. But I force myself to focus on what is right in front of me instead of those horrible images that still echo inside my mind.
Draven.
Draven is here.
His strong hands cup my cheeks, holding me, while his steady gaze is locked on mine.
I drag in a shuddering breath.
He brushes his thumbs over my cheekbones, stroking them gently.
I inhale deeply, and my heart at last begins to calm as my body recognizes that I’m not actually in danger.
Once I’m no longer fighting the bedsheets, Draven wraps his arms around my body instead and pulls me close.
I almost sob at the comforting feeling. Pressing my forehead against his warm body, I just kneel there on the mattress and let him hold me while my head rings and my soul aches.
Everything inside my body is screaming at me to use my magic so that I won’t have to feel like this.
The desperate need is so intense that I think my body is actually trembling.
“What happened?” Draven asks.
“Nightmares,” I manage to whisper, my voice coming out hoarse and broken.
He pulls me even closer, his arms wrapped protectively around me as if he can defend me against my own messed-up head. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have brought up my parents.”
“It wasn’t that,” I lie, because I can’t bear to hear the pain in his voice. “It was…” Coughing, I try to make my voice work properly again. I must have been screaming for real, not just in my nightmares, because my throat hurts.
“Here,” Draven says. “I’ll get you some water.”
After hugging me tightly for another second, he kisses my forehead and then climbs out of bed.
Hurrying over to a small side table by the windows, he grabs the pitcher of water and one of the glasses next to it.
I desperately try to pull myself together while he fills the glass with water, but everything inside me aches and my entire soul is screaming for just one second of relief.
Twisting around, I let my legs fall down over the side of the bed while I drag in deep breaths that do absolutely nothing to block out the insistent urge inside me.
Worry pulses across Draven’s face as he quickly walks back to where I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. Lowering himself to his knees before me, he strokes my thigh with comforting movements while he hands me the glass of water.
I drink it all in one gulp, wishing that it was firechaser or some other kind of strong alcohol that would numb the pain inside me.
But at least it helps soothe my throat after all the screaming.
Once I have finished the water, Draven gently takes the glass and kisses my palm before setting the glass down on the nightstand.
Still on his knees before me, he searches my face with worried eyes.
“It was me, wasn’t it?” he says, his voice filled with agony. “The nightmares, they were about me, weren’t they? About what I did to you while that flame of hatred was stuck in my chest.”
“What?” I shake my head insistently. “No!”
“You don’t have to lie to protect me.” Pain swirls in his eyes as he holds my gaze. “I know that I hurt you. I know that some of the things I said back then are unforgiveable.”
“It wasn’t you who said them. My magic was forcing you to say things like that against your will.”
“I know. But the words still came out of my mouth.” He takes my hands in his.
Kneeling there before me, he looks up at me with such a heartbreaking expression on his face that I almost start sobbing.
“I’m so sorry, Selena. I’m sorry for all the cruel things I did.
I’m sorry for all the vicious things I said. ”
“It wasn’t you, Draven. You would never have said things like that to me if you’d had a choice. I know that. Everyone knows that.”
“I still hurt you. And that is the one thing I never wanted to do. I would go to war against the universe itself if it meant that I could go back in time and change it so that you would never hear such cruel words come out of my mouth. But I can’t.
So all I can do is to kneel here at your feet and beg you for forgiveness that I don’t deserve. ”
My heart almost breaks at the agony in his eyes when he gazes up at me.
And I just want to shake him furiously so that he will get it through his head that none of this is his fault.
I am responsible for all of it. My magic forced him to say and do things that he never wanted to do while his soul was trapped and screaming in panic at the things coming out of his mouth.
That whole experience was as traumatizing for him as it was for me.
“There is nothing to forgive, Draven.” I squeeze his hands, as if I can physically press the truth of that into him.
“I have never blamed you for what you said and did back then. You are not responsible for what my magic did.” Pulling on his hands, I tug him up from the floor.
“And I don’t want you on your knees. I just want you. I want us.”
Climbing onto the bed, he pulls me onto his lap and wraps his strong arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Selena.”
I burrow into his warm embrace, pressing my cheek against his firm chest. “You have nothing to apologize for, Draven. Nothing. But if you still want my forgiveness, know that you have it. And you have always had it. The moment you said or did any of those things, I had already forgiven you.”
He draws in a deep breath, and I can almost feel the relief pulsing through his soul.
It breaks my heart, because I have never, not once, blamed him for what happened.
So it pains me to learn that he has been carrying around all of this guilt and agony about something that was actually my fault.
It adds to the already crushing regret inside my chest, making it even more difficult to breathe.
I press myself harder against Draven’s firm body, desperately trying to fight against the now overwhelming urge to use my magic.
Draven tightens his arms around me. Leaning down, he kisses the top of my head while he begins stroking my hair with gentle, comforting movements.
“So the nightmares weren’t about me?” he asks.
“No,” I whisper back since I suddenly don’t trust my voice.
Everything inside me aches, and my mind is screaming for relief.
If I can just have one little boost of magic, it will make all of this pain and regret go away.
But here in Draven’s home, I have no one to use my magic on.
I hate myself for even considering using my magic on his people, but I need the relief so badly. Oh Goddess, I need it.
I feel like I’m one wrong move away from crumbling completely. Like a house that someone keeps ripping out the foundations of. And now, just one small poke is enough to bring the whole thing down.
“Do you want to tell me what the nightmares were about?” Draven asks softly, still stroking my back.
No, my mind immediately screams in panic. Because if I tell him about the nightmares, I will have to tell him about everything else. So I scramble for another lie.
“It was about what Bane and Jessina did to us,” I say.
His muscles tense, as if he has to physically stop himself from flying to the Ice Palace right now to slaughter Jessina just so that I won’t have to suffer through one more nightmare.
Forcing out a controlled breath, he instead tightens his arms even more around me while he continues to slowly stroke my hair.
“I’m here, little rebel,” he promises, his voice solemn. “And I swear, I will never let anyone hurt you like that ever again.”
That only makes me want to cry even more.
I want to tell him the truth. I want to tell him that I feel like I’m drowning.
That I feel like I’m going to shatter into a million pieces from the weight of all my regret.
That I’m fighting a losing battle against my own magic.
That I don’t know how much longer I can hold out before I break down completely and use it on someone I actually care about.
My whole soul is begging me for relief. Begging me to use my magic so that I can feel that comforting warmth again and never have to experience these other awful emotions ever again.
I want to tell Draven that.
But I can’t. He has been carrying the responsibility for everything and everyone all his life. He deserves someone who will help him. Not someone who will just add more to his burden when he is already carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
He deserves someone who is strong. Someone who will protect him, for once.
And I will be that person.
Pressing my forehead against his warm chest, I swear to all the gods that I will pull myself together and stop being the fucking weak link. I can do this. I can handle the regret. I can brush off the bad memories and the nightmares. I can ignore this addictive need for magic.
I have to.
Goddess above, I have to.