41. Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-One
Raif
R aif almost admitted he loved her twice during the middle of the blowjob. It was fantastic, truly wonderful, and he can’t imagine sex being even better than that. He could die a happy man with how good that was.
His Ash, his sweet, wonderful Ash. She’s amazing.
The most wonderful person he’s ever met in his life.
He loves her, how could he not? Besides the fact that she’s his mate, the other half of his soul, she is everything he’s ever wanted in life.
A strong partner who doesn’t take his shit.
Who turns his bad attitude around and makes him smile.
Who makes him a better man, a better person.
He needs to tell her, needs to tell her a lot of things.
Tell her that he loves her first of all.
Then he's a bear shifter because, honestly, that can be a deal breaker for her. It went well when Axel told Chloe that he was a bear, but that doesn’t mean it will go well for Raif.
He also needs to tell her that she’s his mate.
That he will always love her no matter what, and that she’s his soulmate, but that she can choose to walk away, change her mind, or leave him in the future.
She will always be it for him, but she can still choose a different path in life if she wants.
He doesn’t know how to go about it, though.
There’s also the issue of the fire and the Harvey Group.
How does he explain that a development group that wants the lodge and the land started a fire that almost killed her and two other firefighters, so they could take pictures of Raif? He doesn’t know where to begin.
The next day at the fire station, she is adorably cute with him.
Giving him little kisses on his nose, cheek, or jaw.
She runs her finger through his hair and just smiles at him.
At one point, Ben tells them to ‘get a room’ so she pulls him into the supply closet to make out for a few minutes.
Each interaction with her is wonderful, but at the same time feels like a lie.
Like he needs to tell her everything, or at least something.
When they are back in his cabin, snuggled under a blanket in front of the fire, she tells him about her childhood.
How her mother wanted more children but couldn’t have any.
How she always felt like she wasn’t enough for her mother, who wanted to parade her around in dresses while she preferred to get dirty, literally, with the pigs on the farm.
When she and Michelle decided to move their relationship from friends to girlfriends, she worried about what her parents, particularly her mother, would say.
She tells Raif that her father didn’t care.
Just hugged her and told her he liked Michelle.
Her mother looked her over sternly and finally said that at least they could adopt children.
“It was weird coming out to my parents. That Michelle, who I was best friends with and who had spent the night at our house tons of times, was my girlfriend. I’ll never forget the look on Mama’s face. Like she was accepting but disappointed. It could have gone a lot worse, I guess.”
He hums in understanding and squeezes her shoulder.
“Tell me more about James.”
She laughs.
“He was. Well, he was James. Cowboy ranch hand extraordinaire. He did what he wanted. Friendly as all get out. Everyone always assumed he was flirting, but that’s just how he was.
It took me years to figure out he was, in fact, flirting with me.
We were friends for so long, it was kind of shocking to realize I had developed feelings for him.
He made me laugh, all the time. He was a risk-taker. Jumping horses, riding bulls.”
She says the last part softly.
“There was no telling him I didn’t want him to do something.
I didn’t like him riding bulls. It’s a dangerous sport.
But he had done it before and was fine. I didn’t plan on going that day to watch him ride, but my dad gave me the day off from the farm and shoved me out the door.
When I saw James get bucked off the bull, I knew.
There was no one around, he had gone down too quickly, and the bull was on top of him in a second.
No one could have done anything; he was dead instantly. ”
Raif squeezes her shoulder. He knew James died in a bull-riding accident.
Knows that Ash was devastated for years afterwards and had turned away from the idea of ever dating again.
He worries that maybe he can’t give her everything that James could.
He’s not a cowboy, not like James was. He would never consider riding a bull or going to town dances.
He’s not one to make people laugh, and no one would ever say he’s the life of the party.
“Hey,” Ash says gently, pulling him out of his thoughts. “What are you thinking about? You’re frowning.”
He relaxes the muscles in his face and looks at her. She’s lovely, curled up into him the way she is. She’s tall and built strong, but next to him, she looks small.
“I...I wonder if I’ll be enough for you, Ash. I’m not like Michelle or James. I don’t know if I can give you what they did.”
“You’re not, you’re right.”
He huffs out a small breath.
“You’re different, different in a good way, Raif.
Michelle would never have mowed my parents' lawn and fixed my sink. She was there for me, but she was generally lazy, and it would never have occurred to her to do those things. James was...he was different from you. But different doesn’t mean bad.
It took me years to feel anything besides friendship for James.
He was my best friend and taught me a lot about myself.
And I'm happy that I loved him the way I did.”
“I’m happy too, he brought me to you.”
She looks up at him, a shy smile on her face.
Raif is sorry that James is dead. It’s weird to think that he would never have met Ash without James dying. He knows she misses him and that Raif will never replace him, and would never try to.
“I want to be the best I can be for you, Ash. I love you.”
The words slip out without him thinking, but they aren’t untrue.
He means them, with his whole heart. The way her face lights up means it was well received.
She kisses him hard on the lips and throws her arms around his neck.
He can hear her sniffle, and he kisses her head as she buries her face in his neck.
“Don’t cry, baby. Did I make you sad?”
“No, Raif. I’m so happy, thank you for telling me.”
It’s only later, when he’s alone in his bed, that he realizes she never said it back.
It doesn’t change anything. He loves her and is glad he told her.
It feels like a weight has been lifted, and he feels lighter, freer.
He knows she has to say it back in her own time, she may not love him yet.
And maybe she never will, but he just wants to make her happy, and it seems like he does.