52. Chapter Fifty-Two
Chapter Fifty-Two
Ash
W hen Ash gets home from work, she sees a familiar face sitting on her front stoop, Sam. He looks dejected, sad, but better than before.
“Sam,” she greets him when she exits the car with her bag slung over her shoulder. She’s tired. She’s been on shift for twenty-four hours and barely got any sleep. She doesn’t have enough energy to deal with Sam on her own. Especially if he’s going to come at her like he did in the station.
“I just want to talk, Ash.”
“Come on in then.”
She unlocks the door and holds it open for him. He hobbles over to the couch with his cast and crutch and sits down with a wince.
“I’m gonna go change. I’ll be back.”
In her bedroom, she shoots off a quick text to Raif that Sam is at her house. Sam doesn’t look crazed and wild like he did last time at their confrontation, but she doesn't know for sure that he won’t go off. Especially if she talks about Raif.
She pockets the phone to keep it with her and heads to the kitchen, getting both her and Sam a glass of water.
“What are you doing here, Sam?”
She sits catty-corner to him in an armchair and rests her elbows on her knees. She doesn’t want to seem angry, but she’s definitely irritated that he’s here after no contact.
“I wanted to apologize, Ash. I...I was in a rough spot. I’m still in a rough spot. Hurting my leg. It wasn’t just an injury. It’s changed my whole life. I almost died. And you saved me, and I will forever be thankful, but…”
“But what?”
“I’ve never felt so depressed in my life. It was like everything was taken away from me all at once. My mobility, my friends, my job.”
“You still have your friends. And your job, too, when you’re healed up.”
“It’s not the same.” He shakes his head. “Do you know who came to visit me all this time? I saw you once, a couple more times if you count me visiting the fire station. I saw Ben once at my house, Lucas zero times. I was alone, Ash. It sucked.”
Ash feels the weight of guilt. It’s true, she never visited Sam at his house. Maybe she would have seen the signs of him spiraling into pills and alcohol. She wasn’t there for him when he needed her.
“I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head at her and holds up his hand, but she interrupts him.
“No, Sam. I’m sorry. You’re right, I didn’t come visit. I figured...I thought it was like a vacation for you. You seemed happy and carefree. And then when we talked, I thought you were seeing that woman? It didn’t occur to me to check on you.”
“I never told anyone I needed help. That’s something I’ve learned in therapy so far, that I need to ask for help, not just expect people to provide it.
I put on a front, I know I do. I act tough and happy, like nothing can get me down.
And usually that’s the case. But the doctor said I have PTSD from the fire, from almost dying.
And that I latched onto you since you saved me. ”
Ash can only sit there and intertwine her fingers in restlessness. Sam was, is, her best friend, and she doesn’t know how to help him.
“Part of my addiction recovery is to make amends.”
“Step four or something?”
“Something like that,” he chuckles.
“I want to apologize, Ash. I never told you, but I assumed you’d be there to pick up the pieces when I fell apart. It was unfair of me to expect your help when I never asked for it.”
She opens her mouth to speak when he interrupts her.
“I also want to apologize for everything I said and did in the station that day. I was fucked up, it was definitely the lowest I’ve ever been.
I was jealous of you and Raif. I realize now I never had those kinds of feelings for you, even if I said otherwise.
You’re my best friend, Ash,” his voice trembles.
“And I don’t want to ruin that. I can’t apologize enough for the things I said to you or the way I acted.
I’ll understand if you don’t want to be friends or co-workers anymore. ”
“Shut up, asshole,” she says fondly and then moves to the couch to sit next to him, pulling him into a hug.
“It will be okay. You’ll be okay. Your leg will heal, and you’ll be back to work in no time.
As for us. Friends fuck up sometimes. I get it.
I fucked up. I was focused on work, my parents, and.
..Raif, and I didn’t make time for you. I assumed you would just be fine, which was wrong on my part.
You’re right, you almost died. You got hurt badly, and it took away the thing you love most, firefighting. This will pass, I believe it will.”
He hugs her and starts to cry on her shoulder. She lets him, patting and rubbing his back till he quiets down and pulls away.
“How’s the addiction going? The recovery and all that?”
“Good. I stopped taking the pills, flushed them. My leg hurts, but it’s not bad enough that an ice pack won’t help.
The drugs were definitely making it worse, making me feel like I needed them to get through the day.
And the alcohol, well, I stopped drinking too.
I never had a problem with alcohol before, but I got to the point where I just didn’t care about myself anymore, I wanted to die. ”
“And now?”
“Now I want to live. I ran into a lady we’d pulled from a car accident a few months ago.
She had broken her leg in the crash. She recognized me in the grocery store, thanked me, and hugged me.
I knew then I wanted to live, I wanted to keep going.
Life is complicated and sometimes really fucking shitty, but it’s worth it. I’m worth it.”
“I’m so proud of you, Sam. Seriously. This is a big thing for you to go through, all this trauma. But you’re doing great.”
“Thanks,” he presses a kiss to her temple.
“What are you going to do now, while you recover?”
“I’ve moved back in with my mom. It’s not ideal living with your mom when you’re in your thirties, but it’s good for now.
We take care of each other. She’s been living alone for a long time and seems really happy to have me back in the house.
Plus, she keeps me grounded. She knows about the drugs and alcohol, and drives me to therapy and even goes with me to group meetings.
It’s been nice to reconnect with her like this. I like it.”
“I’m happy for you, Sam,” Ash tells him, patting his knee.
There’s a knock on the door, and then it opens, and Raif is stepping through.
“That’s my queue to go,” Sam says, standing up.
“No, stay.”
“We’ve talked enough for today, Ash. I’ll see you soon, okay? Come by my mom’s, you remember where it is?”
She nods her head yes. “I’ll come by on Wednesday if that’s good.”
“Perfect,” Sam says with his bright smile.
He approaches Raif, who wearily stands in the entryway.
“Raif,” Sam reaches out his hand, and Raif takes it to shake.
“I want to say I’m sorry for everything.
I was unprofessional at the station. I was rude to you.
And I was disrespectful of your relationship with Ash.
You gave me a kick in the ass that day, and I’ll never forget it.
You got me to look at things and see how bad they were, you’re a good man, Raif, thank you. ”