Chapter 8
The Group Chat
Vince
Vince: Hey. I have a completely hypothetical question.
Todd: Oh this should be good.
Aubrey: Hypothetical huh? Question for a friend?
Eli: I have a hypothetical answer for you, and it's in my pants Vince.
Wayne: I'm ten seconds from permanently blocking Eli.
Eli: Wayne is also invited to the pants party.
Vince: Will you all shut up for a second?
Todd: Eli can't get laid, and now he's starting to get annoying.
Aubrey: Starting to?
Todd: lmao
Eli: Fuck both of you.
Vince: I'm serious, you idiots. I need advice.
Frank: What kind of advice?
Gary: Why do I have a feeling this question is something you should be calling me about instead of dropping it in the group chat, Vince?
Vince: So, hypothetically, a friend of mine met a new coworker this week, and it’s been a few days of working together every day. He definitely wants in my pants. No doubt in my mind.
Aubrey: You accidentally slipped up there, friend.
Todd: Wait a second.
Gary: Vince, hun... Call me. Please.
Vince: He’s gorgeous. And funny. And interesting. And honest. And real. And I hypothetically want in his pants a little bit too. Or maybe a lot.
Vince: Actually, for sure a lot. I for sure want in his pants a lot.
Vince: Sorry, I don’t know if that made sense. I for sure want a lot in his pants, like a lot. That's the problem.
Vince: A lot.
Eli: I'm over here losing my shit. Vince is broken!
Vince: He has these tight high-rise jeans that drive me wild.
Vince: He always tucks in his tight little shirts.
Vince: Sometimes he wears a belt.
Vince: Sometimes he doesn’t.
Vince: He always leans so damn far over the desk and pushes his chair back out.
Cynthia: Holy shit, my dude.
Wayne: Lol. You’re too far gone man. It’s game over.
Aubrey: Vince finally met a man to go braindead gay over. I’m so excited right now!
Cynthia: You all are seriously my funniest friend group. This has been an amazing moment to experience with you, Vince. Laughing so hard I'm crying.
Vince: It’s not sexual. I really like him.
Eli: That TED talk on the guy’s pants was pretty sexual. Anyone else get off on that?
Gary: He’s about a full ten years younger than you, Vince. What, twenty-five? Twenty-six? Trying to figure out his life right now? This is stupid, he’s too young for you. You have Sam.
Cynthia: Damn, nice job stud.
Vince: I’m serious. Help me, what do I do?
Frank: Are you kidding? Nothing! What about Sam?
Aubrey: I think he’s asking us if he should break up with Sam.
Wayne: Sam is perfect for you. Stop thinking with your second brain and you’ll be fine.
Frank: He’s right, Vince.
Todd: Agreed.
Cynthia: What’s this handsome young devil’s name?
Vince: No, this is staying hypothetical.
Gary: Andrew Parker. He's not on socials, loves, don't bother.
Vince: For fuck's sake, Gary.
Todd: I knew it!
Vince: You can’t say anything, Todd. Work is work. Be professional.
Todd: I totally saw this coming.
Vince: Thank you all for being grownass adults and failing miserably to help me with my pants problem.
Gary: Think about Sam and get over it, hun.
Aubrey: Switch to cold showers.
Eli: Rub one out before work each day.
Wayne: Go buy Sam some nice pants and just enjoy the innocent fun with your coworker, man. You got this.
Cynthia: We love you, baby!
Vince: Thanks. Love you too.
Aubrey: Damn. I just checked. He's not on socials. :(
Vince: You all suck.