Chapter 20
twenty
. . .
SUTTON
There is nothing but blackness, but I know exactly where I am.
The scent of weed is strong in the air, and the taste of some shitty, watery keg beer lingers on my tongue. Beneath me, the mattress is surprisingly soft. All of my senses are fuzzy, but I can’t figure out why. I only had one glass after me and my roommate arrived.
“I’ve been waiting for this.”
His voice is disembodied in the darkness, but even in my altered mental state, it raises goosebumps all over my body.
Not the good kind, either.
I try to speak, but no words will come out. My tongue is heavy, my limbs are heavy, everything is heavy.
Hands find my ankles, traveling higher and high—
“Rausch!” someone shouted, accompanied by an impact with my foot.
I shot upright, heart racing from the dream—no, nightmare.
“What? Did we get another call?”
No, I thought, shaking my head. The bells would have woken me.
Instead, my gaze collided with the paramedic in charge for third shift.
“No,” he chuckled. “Just time to go home.”
“Great,” I grumbled, getting up and shuffling toward the locker room so I could change before heading out.
We’d taken on several car accident calls the night before thanks to the blizzard that had blown in and dumped over a foot of snow on Dusk Valley in less than twelve hours.
Great way to start Thanksgiving.
Though, it was fine with me. It saved me from making excuses.
I had planned on going up to Boise to see my brother and his family, but I wasn’t about to drive in that weather, a convenient cover when I’d been about to cancel anyway.
I only agreed to go to his house for Thanksgiving out of a sense of obligation—and because I genuinely loved my nephews.
My sister-in-law didn’t like me much, and I was grateful for yet another chance to avoid her.
When I got back to the house, Lane was in the kitchen.
“Want breakfast before you lay down?”
I shook my head. “Nah, I’m wiped.”
“Long shift?”
“Quite a few car accidents because of the snow.”
I also had a tension headache that refused to go away. Nothing some Tylenol and a few hours of sleep wouldn’t cure.
“And I know how much you hate being out in this shit.”
“Yeah. I was supposed to head up to Sean’s today, but that’s not happening.”
Lane nodded in understanding. “It’s not supposed to let up until tonight.”
Groaning, I held up my phone. “I’m gonna go call him, then get some sleep.”
“Hey,” he said, stalling me before I could make it out of the room. “I don’t want you to be alone today.”
“Okay…” I said slowly, though everything within me went molten with his words, with their softness yet earnestness.
We hadn’t talked much since the championship game, and it was obvious in every interaction. Tension undercut every conversation, but not in a bad way. More like neither of us wanted to broach the subject of where we stood with each other, too afraid to burst this delicate bubble we existed within.
Addie was still a problem, albeit a different sort now. And while I could secretly admit I loved Lane, and I was confident he wanted nothing to do with her, that sure as hell didn’t explain how he felt about me. I wasn’t willing to put myself in the line of fire for a maybe.
“Come to the ranch for dinner.”
“Oh, Lane, I wouldn’t want to—”
He held up a hand, cutting me off. “Mama would never let me hear the end of it if she knew you were by yourself today. Do you want to face the wrath of Birdie?”
I snorted. Birdie Lawless was the most even-keeled person I’d ever met in my life. I’d never even heard the woman swear. But from what I’d heard, her temper, when it appeared, was legendary.
And honestly, the idea of spending my evening alone on a holiday wasn’t particularly appealing.
“Fine.”
“Great,” Lane grinned, and I had to avert my gaze from the perfection of it. It was like looking into the sun when he turned the full wattage on me. “We leave at three.”
“Sounds good.” I hooked my thumb over my shoulder. “I’m gonna nap, then.”
“Right, sure. See you when you get up.”
“Night,” I said, then ambled out of the room, dialing my brother’s number as I trudged up the stairs.
He answered right as my bedroom door clicked shut behind me.
“Hey, sis,” he shouted. Sound blasted from his end of the line like he was at a rave. Really, it was only my nephews. Though barely eight thirty in the morning, the chaos of the Sean Rausch household was in full swing.
With three boys spanning from the ages of fourteen to five, there was no shortage of mayhem.
“Hey,” I replied. It had been a while since I’d spoken to him. I hadn’t even told him about the break-in and my subsequent displacement to Lane’s because I hadn’t wanted to worry him.
“When are you heading up?” he asked, then shouted at one of the boys to stop pulling his brother’s hair. “Wait, you were on shift last night, right? So not until later?”
“That’s actually why I’m calling. I mean, yeah, I was on shift yesterday, so I need to get some sleep, but…I’m not coming up after all.”
He sighed. “What is it this time?”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not risking my life in this blizzard. Or did you not notice it’s a complete white out?”
Sean didn’t argue or press or even tell me to get over it like he would have in the past. He simply said, “Fine, see you at Christmas,” and hung up.
“Prick,” I muttered, then went about getting ready for bed.
My older brother and I always had a strained relationship.
With five years between us, we’d always struggled to connect, always at very different points in our lives.
It wasn’t a good or a bad thing, merely a fact of my life, like having parents I only saw sporadically during the three or four months they found themselves in the same region of the country as me.
My family was…fine.
But we weren’t the Lawlesses.
With that depressing thought, I crawled between the sheets, curled into a ball, and promptly passed out.
To say I was nervous to walk into Lane’s family home at his side would’ve been an understatement. But being here was a lot better than being alone. I could endure stares and comments for a few hours if it meant a good meal and some company.
Unsurprisingly, they all welcomed me with open arms. On the other hand, though, the boys surprisingly waited until we were all seated to start ribbing Lane.
“About time you brought a date to one of these things,” West said to his older brother, wearing a shit-eating grin as he ladled meatballs and marinara over a massive bowl of spaghetti.
“Don’t fucking start,” Lane grumbled from my side.
West glanced around the table, eyes wide in feigned innocence. “I’m not doing anything. Merely making an observation.”
“And your observation is annoying as fuck, just like the rest of you.”
“Lane,” Birdie scolded.
Lane’s shoulders hunched at the admonishment, and he mumbled an apology. I hid my laughter behind my fist.
“How are repairs to your house coming?” Crew asked me.
“Slow,” I said with an eye roll.
“Who’d you hire to do them?” Trey asked.
“Barney Edwards.” Groans rose from the guys. “What?” I asked.
“He’s notorious for stringing people along and ripping them off,” Lane said with a grimace.
“Shit.” How could I not have known that?
Lane’s hand found my thigh under the table, giving it a brief squeeze before pulling away, having no idea that his simple touch sent goosebumps skittering across my skin.
“It’s okay, sunny. I’ll talk to him.”
“No you don’t have—”
“I’ll talk to him.” His words were firm, brooking no room for argument.
“You hear from Addie since the game?” West asked Lane, abruptly changing the subject.
The energy shifted in an instant.
“I haven’t,” Lane replied. “Why would I?”
I watched as Lane’s brothers each exchanged loaded looks, wordlessly communicating something that eluded me.
“Just wondering if she finally got the hint and pissed off,” Crew said.
“Crew,” Birdie sighed.
“That bitch is crazy,” Aspen whispered too low for Birdie to hear.
Or maybe not, because Birdie said, “Be nice, Aspen. She’s just…misguided.”
Her husband muffled a snort in his arm, and Lane glared daggers at the pair of them, sparing a few for West as well.
It seemed everyone was aware that Addie was bad news and not someone they wanted around—even Birdie.
The rest of the meal was tense, and when we finished and had helped Birdie clear the table, Aspen and Reagan pulled me into the den, Birdie trailing behind us, carrying a bottle of wine and four glasses. The guys remained in the dining room,
“Sutton, I’m just going to come right out and ask,” Birdie said when we settled in our spots on the couch and chairs. “What is going on with you and my son?”
I choked on a sip of wine. When I collected myself, I said, “Nothing? He’s just helping me out while my place gets fixed up.”
In a creepy display of synchronicity, Aspen and Reagan both canted their heads to the side and pursed their lips, wearing identical expressions that said, get real.
“I think we all know it’s more than that,” Reagan pressed.
“No it’s not.”
“I think there’s something you should know, Sutton,” Birdie said, and three sets of eyes snapped to her. She’d been quiet while Aspen and Reagan drilled me, watching curiously but offering no commentary.
“First,” she continued, “I need to apologize. I wouldn’t have invited Addie around if I’d known what a crazy person she was.”
“No, Birdie,” I said, placing my hand on her arm. “It’s not your fault. Honestly, none of us knew. In fact, I still don’t think we understand exactly how deep this crazy of hers goes.”
Birdie placed her hand atop mine, her warmth a comfort I sorely needed.
Some days, I missed my mom so much I could scream.
But not because of the relationship we had since my rape.
While she’d tried to be there, she’d come from the generation where women picked themselves up by their bootstraps and kept powering forward in the wake of trauma, acting like they weren’t affected by it.
She’d tried to be as emotionally available as she could, but it hadn’t been enough. The final straw for her and my dad had been when I dropped out of college. They loved me, sure, but it wasn’t like the love that filled the Lawless home.
Sean was spared the scorn I often felt when my parents looked at me. But he was a man who had done what was expected of him: get a degree in a practical field, get a job, meet a nice girl, settle down, and have a family.
“I feel silly,” Birdie said, shaking her head, bringing me back to the conversation. “But you know me. I want to be welcoming to everyone.”
Her daughter-in-law reached for her other hand. “One of the many things we love about you,” Aspen said.
Birdie gave her a soft smile. This woman had so much love to give, and she seemed to have a habit of collecting the broken women her boys brought home, loving us in ways our own parents should have.
Wait, us? No, I couldn’t get ahead of myself.
“What I’m trying to tell you, Sutton, is that when Lane woke up from his coma? His first words had nothing to do with his health or where he was or what had happened to him. In fact, he’d only spoken two words when he first opened his eyes. A question.”
I shared confused glances with Aspen and Reagan, both of them almost shrugging, having no idea where Birdie was going with this.
“What was it?”
“He asked, ‘Where’s Sutton?’ He woke up and only wanted you.”
In the aftermath of the bomb Birdie dropped on me at Thanksgiving, I was unsure how to act around Lane. My mind was endlessly filled with questions I didn’t have answers for—questions I wasn’t sure I could ask him to answer.
So he’d woken up from his ten-day coma asking for me. Big deal. He’d probably only wanted to thank me for saving him. But I didn’t want or need his gratitude.
Hell, at that moment, I didn’t know what I needed.
Thankfully, we seemed to be mostly ships passing in the night.
Now that he’d gone back to work, he was busy throwing himself into solving the break-ins mystery, spending longer hours at the department.
I couldn’t go home until the repairs were finished, but I tried to make myself scarce around the house.
Unfortunately, the place wasn’t that big, and living together made it all too easy to corner me when we both happened to be home at the same time.
And Lane, being Lane, didn’t beat around the bush.
After having worked the day before, I’d just gotten up from my nap and was getting coffee when he pounced.
“Why are you avoiding me?”
I jumped, the full mug I held sloshing over, scalding liquid burning my skin. With a curse, I set it down and moved to the sink, running cold water over the red splotches spreading across the back of my hand.
“Hell, Lane,” I breathed, good hand pressed against my rapidly thumping heart. “You scared me.”
“Sorry.”
“Why are you here?”
“Working from home today,” he replied, “but don’t try to evade me, sunny. Why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m not,” I said. “We’ve both just been busy.”
We both knew I was lying, especially because I refused to meet his gaze, but he switched tack.
“Were you planning on going to the first responders’ gala?”
Wordlessly, because I truly couldn’t believe it was already that time, I grabbed my phone and checked my calendar.
Shit.
That was this weekend, and I’d be on shift the night before, so I had no excuse to get out of it.
“Yeah,” I said, resigned.
“We can go together then.”
I raised a brow, my heart beating a little faster. “Together?”
“I just mean…we’re living together right now. Doesn’t make sense to ride separately.”
Right, I reminded myself, willing my pulse to slow, swallowing down my disappointment. He’s just being logical.
“Sure.”
“Great,” he smiled, but it was tense. “We’ll leave at like seven?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
Without another word, I retreated to my room, sitting down on the bed, finding myself confronted by an entirely different problem.
When I’d packed up my things from my house to bring here, I’d both fully expected to be back there by this time and had also completely forgotten about the gala.
I had absolutely nothing to wear.
Which meant I had to call in reinforcements.
And I knew exactly the women for the job.