13. Lyric
Chapter 13
Lyric
“ D on’t be dense, L. You’ve changed in all the best ways and he’d be an idiot to still not want you. You didn’t get closure like you wanted.”
“I shouldn't need closure. It was pretty obvious. I’m past it now.” I turn to him and take in the way he looks at me. The way he always looked at me. I try to call his name…
My phone’s alarm blares through my dream and I fight to stay in that dream with Jordan, where I’m safe and things aren’t confusing and fucked up. Too bad reality is setting in. I can feel the sun on my cheek as it peeks through the curtain. My leg is twisted around soft, worn sheets, but it's the scent of fresh rain, citrus, and spice that pulls me out of sleep. My eyes open, half-expecting Colt to be right next to me, and I swallow down the tightness in my throat while time adjusts and I remember why I’m here. My hand slides to my phone and I pick it up, making sure to turn the alarm off. Two texts sit in front of me.
Austin: I’ll be in my office when you wake up. Feel free to grab some breakfast then find me.
UNKNOWN: Feel free to use anything in my room that you need.
UNKNOWN: This is Colt by the way.
Part of me wants to laugh at his second message. I quickly change the contact to his name. It's been years since I’ve seen a message from Colt. And just like that, it feels too personal. We have history, yes, but we haven’t talked since the day he broke up with me. My fingers fly over the keyboard again. Colt Street. No. Karma. I let his road name sit as his contact name. It's one I won’t forget; plus, it's a good reminder on why I don’t need to make answering his messages or calls a priority. I cancel out of my messages and my eyes fall to my background, roam over the tall man with darker skin, black hair and startling amber eyes standing with his arm draped over my shoulders. “This is all your doing, isn’t it, J?” I mutter under my breath, feeling tears sting behind my eyes.
His smile in the picture doesn’t change, but I swear I can hear his light chuckle echo in the room. Anything that made me uncomfortable, he used to find pleasure in doing. I don’t know why I loved him when he lived to push my buttons. It would be just like him to push Colt into my universe again. Colt. After ten years, my ex-boyfriend swept in and turned my life upside down while simultaneously rescuing me this time. I want to hate him more than I do.
When I left for college ten years ago, I was a mess. I made it to Alabama and spent the first semester wanting to come home. I skated by in my classes, not really finding any enjoyment in them. I was no closer to picking a major than I had been at the beginning of the summer and felt like I was sinking. The campus felt more like an ocean and less like the pond I was used to. I was drowning, not making many friends, only my roommate and another girl on my dorm floor, and I was holding on to a relationship I no longer had any control over. I remember feeling abandoned and minuscule.
It wasn’t until I met Jordan that I started living again. I owe everything to him. He picked me up and forced me to see what I was doing to myself. My roommate had tried to set us up on a double date. I made it about halfway through dinner when he called me out on my bullshit. I cried, and he told me I deserved better. I was continuing to let Colt have power over me. I was letting him continue to dictate what happened in my life and he had no idea. He was hundreds, thousands of miles away, and he had made it very clear how he felt about me and our relationship. They say tough love works wonders, but Jordan dealt out brutal love. Honesty. He brought me home after that failed date and we didn’t speak for months. Fortunately, we had the same group of friends in common and I saw him at parties and events. I took his barbs and jokes about how pathetic I was over a guy and forced myself to start living my life again for me.
Did that mean I wasn’t affected by Colt? Hell no. I just managed to take my control back. I paid attention in class. I found I loved psychology the most but wanted to minor in criminology. I was intrigued by forensic interviewing, personality and human behavior. I joined a coed volleyball team where Jordan also played, and he started to realize I was fixing myself. His cold attitude had managed to light a fire in me. I became a member of the psych club and organized a thriller, serial killer movie and documentary night every Wednesday. That was the first time Jordan asked me on a date again, and I turned him down. I turned him down several times.
I spent more time with my roommate and the other girls, piecing myself together. My style changed. My hair went through an almost blonde phase to pitch-black. I grew it out then I chopped it off. I got a tattoo. I challenged myself to be comfortable single and gave myself time to grieve a relationship, not only my first boyfriend but also someone I had been friends with for half my life. Colt had made promises to me and I was letting go of a future that was no longer possible. I went on random dates and a few ended in heated kisses but nothing else. I wasn’t ready for that part of a new relationship yet, and I had never been a casual girl. Camryn called me from her college, frequently, and praised me for trying. It never felt enough though.
I went home that summer after freshman year and that was when all hell broke loose. I decided to pick up extra shifts at the floral shop I had worked at in high school as well as pulling three evening shifts a week at Roadside waiting tables. I made bank that summer and it was worth it. I also gained the experience to put on future applications for serving and bartending when I went back to Alabama. Much to my parents’ dismay, I did grow to like being at school and had no intention of moving back home. After one of my shifts, I joined Camryn on the patio. She and Tim were both home for the summer too, when I noticed a girl with blonde hair at the bar who kept looking over at me. After the fifth time, she walked over and asked to sit at the empty seat at our table.
“You don’t remember me, do you?” she asked, timidly, biting the edge of her fingernail.
“I’m sorry,” I told her, shaking my head slightly. She was familiar, but I couldn’t place her.
“I was at the party last summer.” Her head bowed down. “I was invited by Colt.”
Everything clicked into place when she said his name, and the soul-crushing memories flew back to me. “What do you want?”
“Look, I just wanted to clear something up.” She talked fast, clearly nervous. “I didn’t sleep with him.”
“What did you say?” I scoff, clearly she thought I must be stupid. “I saw you come out of his room, naked except for a T-shirt.”
“You did.” She nodded, flushing. “We didn’t sleep together, though. We never even kissed. I puked on my shirt and Colt let me borrow his. I passed out, and he and one of my friends watched me all night to make sure I didn’t choke and die. I was so embarrassed—that’s why I flew to the bathroom the next morning when I heard people. Steph, my friend, was still in the room when I walked out. I didn’t think he was going to lie like that. I wanted you to know because yes, I thought he was hot, but I wouldn’t have ever done anything knowing he had a girlfriend.”
Her words and the way she kept staring into my eyes, I couldn’t not believe her. It didn’t make sense though. Why would Colt lie? Needless to say, I got drunk. I somehow made it to our spot under that maple tree. I stared at our initials carved into the bark, framed by the heart. My own heart broke all over again. I had so many questions without answers, and knew I’d never get them. I’m not sure how many times I went there after that, but I know it wasn’t healthy. I could hear Jordan’s voice in my mind telling me I was being pathetic and giving Colt back all my power. That hurt slowly simmered to anger, a soul-crushing anger that spilled over in the most destructive way. Before I left home after that summer, I grabbed my dad’s axe. I had only meant to chip off the part where our initials were, but I ended up toppling half the tree over. I kept swinging that axe until my arms shook, until a numbness seeped into my bones. I apologized to the town council and the fire department, even though, deep down, it gave me a sense of satisfaction to see that tree gone. I haven’t been back since then, except for holidays.
The rest of college changed even more after that. I became a newer version of myself. My hair grew, the color went back to natural, and I stopped trying so hard to be happy and just was. One night after a long shift at Tidal Wave, a college bar, Jordan walked me back to the house I rented with some of my girls and asked me out again. It was two years after our first disastrous date. That time I said yes.
A soft smile tugs at my lips whenever I think about that time. I’m just happy that I can smile now and that all the pain that girl went through, she’s become a stronger woman today because of it. And once again, it is time to prove it.
Jumping out of Colt’s bed, I quickly make it up and get dressed in a pair of leggings and a concert T-shirt that I had stashed in my bag. I throw my hair up in a messy bun and quickly brush my teeth before sliding on my shoes and stepping foot back into the clubhouse.
It's even more quiet here now since it's barely before noon. The bar is still closed and I exhale knowing I don’t have to face Ari today. I thought we got along when I helped her family previously, but she was a teenager back then. She didn’t know how to deal with what was happening and often was angry at her parents as a defense mechanism. I offered to talk with her more about the situation back then, at her parents’ encouragement, but I didn’t push her.
It could have been my imagination and my mood after the events last night, but I got the feeling she wasn’t happy that Colt and Zane seemed to have paid extra attention to me.
“Hey, Doc,” a woman’s voice calls, and I glance up to see Winnie, one of the club girls.
“Hi, Win.” I wave at her and head in her direction.
“How have you been, Doc?” She looks me over before giving me a hug.
A chuckle escapes from me just thinking about the past twenty-four hours. “I’ve had better years. How about you?”
Her slim shoulders shrug, but it's the way her smile seems forced that gets to me. “I’ve been fine. Still here. Still waiting on Dodge to decide what he wants to do.”
My smile slips a little. When I was here four years ago, Winnie was waiting on one of the members, Dodger, to make her his officially, in the club’s traditional way. They were nineteen when he became a patched member and he convinced her to come with him. Now he’s been dragging his feet for five years to put a ring on her finger and his ink on her skin.
“I’m sure he’s scared shitless to lose a woman like you. He’s probably still saving for the perfect ring.” My voice is light, but I see the way she deflates in front of me.
“You’re probably right.”
I nod, even though I don’t feel like I'm right. I can see this woman's joy and light burning out. It would be one thing if Dodger hadn’t promised her, but it's cruel to lead her on so he can keep partaking in club activities. Winnie would never admit to it. “You know if you ever get tired of this life, you can always call me.”
Her head snaps up and our eyes meet. I swear she’s about to take me up on my offer when another female voice joins us.
“Jeezus, Doc, you don’t need to psychoanalyze everyone before the morning’s over, do ya?”
Winnie’s mouth slams shut and she scurries away after giving my arm a squeeze. I know if she got caught talking bad about the club, it could be grounds for dismissal or a warning, depending on how bad it was. The rules are unfair to many of the club women here, unless they’re married to a patched member. Still, out of all the clubs I have seen, Rebels of the Undead seems to be more progressive in some ways. Case in point, the prez’s daughter working at the bar.
“Morning, Ari,” I say as she walks up, carrying a Styrofoam container and handing it to me. I don’t miss the way her eyes tighten or the fake as fuck smile she gives me.
“Karma said you’d want that for breakfast. I stopped on my way over.”
Her chin tilts up with a show of superiority, and once again I wonder why she feels that she needs to validate her relationship or whatever she has with Colt. I am absolutely zero threat to her. Still, I won’t back down from a challenge.
“Mmm, he still knows what I like to eat, huh.” I smile at the food choice inside the container. My smile is forced, but my words are true. Inside the container is my favorite blueberry muffin, the jumbo one where it has the sugar granules on the top, and a pile of hash browns with a few hot sauce packets. The perfect breakfast and I’m not sure how I feel knowing he remembers.
The man himself walks in a few seconds later while I’m still gazing at the box of food in my hands. A ghost of a smile tugs at his lips before his eyes move up and clash with mine. It feels like a jolt of electricity in my chest, not entirely pleasant and bordering on painful. It's a mix of our past and the present we’re in. History. Love. Pain. Longing. So much emotion and longing that it forces all the air from my lungs and I’m breathless, waiting for him to say something and not wanting him to say anything at all.
Before I can spiral further or before Colt makes his way over to me, shattering any resolve I have around him, Austin opens the Church doors.
“Church!” he bellows into the space. “You too, Doc.”
My head tips down and I move around Ari, who I just noticed hasn’t moved and is watching the looks passing between Colt and myself. A blush covers my cheeks and I can feel the heat of his stare on my back as I head toward the infamous room that the guys call Church: the altar of all their decisions. I stand awkwardly, while the members take their usual seats, and somehow manage to keep my eyes on anything else in the room except for the two men I’m most familiar with.
“Here ya are, Doc,” Jester, the VP of the club, says as he swings an extra chair my way. It’s plush and a deep red, vastly different from any other furniture in the room. My brow rises as I glance at him. Jester shrugs.
“It's only used when we have professional guests who are of the female variety.”
“Ah.” I smile and take a seat before opening the container. I lift the muffin up and take a few bites, trying to enjoy the warmth and melting butter on the inside along with the sweet and sour taste of the blueberries.
The room hushes when their president closes the door and takes a seat. I quietly put away the rest of the muffin and run my fingers over my lips to check for crumbs. Austin raises a wooden gavel and everyone falls silent. Sometimes it's hard for me to merge the two different personalities of Austin. In my mind, he’s the doting father, the man who was willing to try anything to keep his family together, the man who cried after every therapy appointment he attended with his daughter during her recovery. I picture him as the rock of a husband who kept his wife from sinking into despair. But here, in this room, he is Daggerz. President of Rebels of the Undead. He is a force of nature, dangerous, and willing to put his life on the line for the other men in this room.
“It's good to see ya, Doc,” he says, and his eyes soften some. “Although I wish it was under better circumstances.”
“You and me both, Daggerz.” I give the room a small smile, even when tears are prickling my eyes.
“I need to give my brothers the whole scope of what we’re dealing with so we can best know how to protect you. Can I have your permission to share that information?”
I suck in a deep breath over and over again, trying to keep my heart calm. Until Austin, anytime I’ve shared my story, I’ve never felt believed. I’ve always felt like I was the perpetrator in what happened. “I can tell them.”
He looks over at me, concern clearly evident on his face. “Are you sure?”
I nod, even though I feel shaky and that muffin I ate is now threatening to come back up. I can feel all of their eyes on me, waiting, but it's knowing that Colt and Zane will see that my life hasn’t been roses since they left that makes me the most nervous. After everything that happened, I wanted him to see that I had flourished. I survived. And in many instances, I did, except one.
“I was going to grad school in Alabama when I met Stella. We worked together at a shelter for women and children experiencing domestic violence. She was my friend and we were always close at work, but it was rare I saw Stella outside of work unless it was at school. When I first met her, she was dating Lukas Deveroix and was in love with him. Everything was always perfect with them. He took her out to expensive restaurants, he bought her designer label gifts, they talked about taking vacations and the future, and he met her every day after classes to drive her home. Things didn’t start out bad right away. It was maybe a year before there were changes in how she talked about him and their relationship. She would mention that he was out drinking again with his friends. One day she was late to work because he didn’t like the jeans she was wearing. I mean we worked at a shelter, we dressed casual, her jeans were by no means fancy or overly tight. Then she came in crying one day because he said they should break up and then he had a breakdown and they spent all night on the phone talking about their issues, which caused her to be late to class the next morning. He didn’t always like when we studied late. He would text her constantly and was always early to pick her up. I never said anything to her because when there weren’t issues, she would always say how great of a guy he was and how much she loved him. This went on for a year or so with his changed behaviors.”
I take a deep breath, my eyes closing and remembering the night everything changed. “Then, I was working the late shift at the shelter when she called me crying. She knew I was at work, but she needed me to call her and say there was an emergency and they needed her. It felt off, so I asked our supervisor to do it. When Stella came to work, she was shaken, pale, and in shock. Lukas had been cheating on her and she caught them at her house. She confronted him and he got physical with her, so she ran into the bathroom and called me. She said it was the first time, but I don’t know for sure.”
“I hope she left his candy-ass right there.” One of the brothers sits forward and knocks his knuckles on the tabletop.
I shake my head, wishing he was right. “He love-bombed her. Anything and everything she wanted, he pulled out all the stops with his apology and told her he loved her, finally. He wanted to marry her. She had loved him for so long that she wanted to try and get past it. He promised he’d go to counseling, that he would stop drinking, he wouldn’t have boys’ nights at the club. Everything she had concerns about he addressed. She said yes to the marriage proposal, and I think we all assumed it would be like a year or two until the big day. Nope, he marched her down to the courthouse and they got married that week. Stella had one more good day at work before she all of a sudden quit.”
“I hate where this is going,” Zane huffs under his breath and leans back in his seat.
“Same.” I look at him and offer a tiny smile. “I only saw Stella at school after that, but she was becoming a shell of herself already. She barely talked to anyone, especially the guys in our group. Which was hard because we were all friends before she was married. I tried to ask her to talk or to hang out and she always made an excuse about wanting to be home with her husband. Then she began to show. She was pregnant. I’m not sure what the catalyst was for her; I think something to do with the baby, but Stella came back to the shelter. Only this time she wanted in as a client. We processed her intake, and once she felt safer, she just broke. All the horrible things he did and said to her, the fact that he didn’t stop cheating; he didn’t even try to hide it, and the perpetual blame that it was her fault because he couldn’t do the things he wanted because of her. I felt so bad for her, but she was adamant she needed to think about the baby. She was worried he was going to do something because he wasn’t happy she was pregnant. Lukas became unhinged. He wouldn’t let her go. He stalked her at school and would show up there all the time. He called the shelter or had other people calling pretending to be concerned family members. He straight up lost it. He cornered her off-campus on her way back and choked her until she passed out. When she told the police, he sent her a message that he would kill her when he saw her again.”
“And here in lies the root of the biggest problem we’re goin’ to be facin’.” Austin meets the eye of every man around the table. “Deveroix was able to skate by with Tuscaloosa’s PD because his dear old daddy is chief of the department and his brother is a detective. I have a strong suspicion that is how he was able to find you, Doc.”
My gaze falls to the table. Hearing it out loud feels like a form of validation. I had my own strong suspicions, but I’ve also been hiding in fear for four years.
“Why is he so fixated on you? You did nothing wrong.”
That question is from Colt, and I’m forced to raise my head and meet his gaze. The brown of his eyes is black, swirling with something that looks like rage, and my stomach warms knowing it's not aimed at me; he's mad for me. I have a room full of people who are listening to my story rather than judging.
“When we realized that the police weren’t going to do anything, and that a judge wasn’t honoring the protective order, I helped Stella escape. We kept her at the shelter and I brought her all the information she needed so she could unenroll from school. When a really good friend of mine passed away, he had left me a huge chunk of his inheritance, and I cashed it all out to help her get out of Alabama. I had always planned to stay there after school, but I knew it would be too risky. I couldn't go home, so I landed close enough but also far away, so he wouldn’t try and track down my family. Everything was fine for a few years and then suddenly in the past year or so, I started to feel like I was being watched or followed. I reached out to Daggerz about maybe security cameras or a system I could buy for my house and he recommended some to me. It helped for a while, but within the past six months, his antics increased. Letters came first, then pictures of me out and about, and a screenshot of my little sister’s blog on social media. I went to court for a restraining order but had no way to prove it was him, and they had no way to serve him. Last night was the first time that he came after me in person. I saw him, and he was in my house. He wants Stella and the baby, and he blames me for helping hide her.” My breath shudders in my chest and I swallow past the pain, pushing down the sobs.
“Is there any chance he could find her?” Jester asks, his voice low. I’m acutely aware that they’re all watching me like I’m about to break.
I shake my head no and look up at each of them. “He’ll never find her. I don’t even know where she is. That was part of the deal I made when we reached out to them. They’re basically ghosts but they protect people. And even if he thought I’d tell him about Stella and the baby, he’s wrong. I’ll die first.”
Colt sucks in a breath and his face turns chilled, stony, closed-off. I wish I had it in me to wonder why my words affect him so much, but I don’t care. I’ve been playing this game with Lukas for so long, I just want it to end. With his connections, I’m scared it never will.
“Thanks, Doc, for sharing with us,” Daggerz says, clearing his throat. “If you want, feel free to go eat, hang out. We need to discuss the club end of this, and then we can make a plan.”
I get up slowly, hating that I’m being kicked out of the meeting and that they’re going to discuss me and my business. Somehow, I manage to leave the room without tripping up or my legs giving out. The door clicks softly behind me and I make my way to the common area. A few more girls and other wives are milling around, cleaning, eating, and chatting. A wave of tiredness hits me right as I think about sitting down. I set the container on a nearby table, my stomach protesting the thought of eating anything right now. Taking the key to Colt’s room, I find my legs carrying me inside. I manage to close the door and lock it again before stumbling to the bed. My eyes flutter and close, fighting against the memories of the past. I’m safe. With them here, I am safe.