15. Lyric
Chapter 15
Lyric
C losure. I need to keep thinking about this as closure. I’ll take the help of the Rebels of the Undead, and I’ll follow their plan so I stay alive and get my life back. Even if that means sharing space with Colt, at his house. I’d be lying if I said that was all I wanted. Being forced into Colt’s space and having him this close again has brought up years of pent-up frustration and hurt. I’m thankful he’s here, while at the same time I want to kick him in his balls for what he did to me. I just want to know why. So if he’s ready to talk about it, I’m ready to hear it, I think. I have nothing to be sorry for is the mantra I’ve repeated many times over the years. He chose to lie and to hurt me. And as Jordan always said, there’s nothing wrong with getting angry. Maybe anger is my final stage of grief for our past relationship, and once this is over, I will fully let go.
I take him in, noticing his thick hair is still damp after his shower. He’s sitting back in his seat across from me, spread out, with one arm slung across the top of the booth, looking relaxed while I have knots in my stomach. I’ve been holding my breath since the truck drive so I don’t inhale his body wash scent. It hasn’t changed over the years we’ve been apart and the memories hit me full force with every breath I take.
“Where do you want to start? I feel like I gave everyone a rundown on my life the past few years at the clubhouse.”
He spins my words around in his mind, appearing to think everything over. “I saw your picture in your house and you told us you graduated from Alabama. Did you like going to school there?”
I nod. “I did my grad school there, too. Once I got used to it and learned how to be independent there, I loved it. If this whole thing with that ass-face hadn’t ruined it, I would have stayed.”
“I’m glad you did,” he responds, his breath hitching lightly. “Over the years, one of the things I’ve always wondered is if you still went there. I felt guilty that I forced you to choose it then didn’t go with you.”
My heart hammers in my chest. I guess we’re going to just jump right into the past. “You didn’t force me to do anything, Colt. I chose to go with you, and even after we broke up, I chose to go and then eventually to stay there. And now, after everything I’ve experienced, I’m glad I made the choice to stay. I had some truly amazing years there. Not everything was terrible.”
His lips and smile falter slightly, but he nods his head slowly. “I’m glad to hear that. How’s your family?”
I shrug. “Momma and Daddy are still in the same home. Getting close to retirement but are adamant they want to keep working. Kyler is in Nashville at an accounting firm, and Posey is…well, she’s still deciding what she wants. She did medical school for a bit then thought she wanted to be a veterinarian. Now she's blogging about books she reads and has a ton of followers.”
Colt laughs, the deep kind, and his eyes meet mine. “That girl always did have a million things going on all at once, it seemed. I’m surprised about Kyler, though. I thought for sure he’d be doing something with games or design.”
“Me too. I don’t know though. He said the money was better.” I chuckle and smile thinking of my younger siblings. “Have you talked to your dad? Momma told me he’s been sober since not long after you left. Guess he’s been staying busy too.”
Colt’s eyes drop to the table and he looks uncomfortable. “He is. About two years ago was actually the first time I’d seen him in years. I told him I was in town for my buddy Tric’s funeral and he invited me to dinner with AJ. Since then, I’ve seen him off and on and around the holidays, but it's nice to at least connect with AJ. I’m not sure my dad and I will ever have a good relationship again.”
“AJ? As in your nephew?” I question, astonished. I knew how much it used to tear Colt up back in the day that he had no contact with his brother’s son.
“Yup. Guess they reconnected while I was gone and had been getting together. He wanted to meet me so he was there that night.” Colt smiles, but it’s strained.
“He’s got to be in his late teens by now?” I try to do the math, then remember it was never really my strong suit.
“Eighteen. Just graduated high school and he plays baseball at Vanderbilt. He’s studying sports medicine,” Colt says with pride in his voice for his nephew. He goes on to tell me about how much AJ looks like Alex and how their dinner was. “I’m going to try and see him more often, I think.”
“Your dad too?” I throw out and watch a myriad of emotions cross his face.
“I hadn’t talked to him before our dinner since the night he threw me out. He wrote to me over the years, but I never responded to him. I couldn’t forgive him. Not only for hitting me but how he stopped being a parent, stopped caring about me when my mom died. Now he’s sober and the man I always wanted him to be. It's just weird to connect the two versions of him in my head.” His eyes glaze over, revisiting his past.
“Don’t blame yourself, Colt. I’m glad he’s sober, but you’re right, that doesn’t mean you need to just jump right back in and act like the past didn’t happen. At least he’s trying, though. And now you have AJ,” I remind him gently. His head bobs in agreement.
We order our food and then silence descends on the table. Not the comfortable kind either. It’s the kind where you both have something to say, but you’re giving the other an opportunity to fire first. Twice my mouth opens to speak, but I hold back and reach for my drink instead. Colt does the same and after the third time, he laughs. “This shouldn’t be so hard.”
I smile. “We haven’t talked in ten years and neither one of us wants to touch on what happened. It’s bound to be awkward.”
“I feel like I used to know you more than I knew myself. Now I know absolutely nothing about you, and it freaks me out,” he admits, his hand sliding behind his neck.
“Not really much to tell. I liked college, got my doctorate, shit happened so I fled and moved back to Tennessee, and opened my own business.”
“What do you do for fun?” His eyes turn serious as he asks.
I blank for a second, trying to remember the last time I wasn’t busy and went out. “I have a few friends nearby. Camryn and I get together three times a year and go on a girls’ vacation. My family comes to visit, but I try to limit it, especially after I started suspecting that Lukas was back.”
“Are you seeing anyone?” His question catches me off guard.
I think about Jordan and I think about Colt, comparing and analyzing. I never lied to Jordan. Even at my lowest moments, I never lied. “I was.” My lips roll together, fighting back the tears. “His name is, or was, Jordan. We met at school. We were friends first before we became more. He, ah, passed away shortly before I moved here. He had cancer. It’s his inheritance that I used to help Stella and myself. His family came from money but his parents passed when he was a young teen, he didn’t have siblings so there was no one to fight him on it I suppose.” I sigh and feel tears spring to my eyes, thinking of the man who saved me and my friend back then. “It's almost like he foresaw what was going to happen. I didn’t want to take it, but he insisted. He said he wouldn’t always be there to help me and he wanted me to get somewhere safe where I would be taken care of. Almost like he foreshadowed my entire meeting of the club.”
Colt’s smile fades until his features are dark, and he can’t look me in the eyes. I’m used to this expression by now when I tell people about why I’m single. The boy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with left me and cut off all communication. Then the next guy I gave my heart to, even if it was slightly mangled, got an incurable and horrific disease, and I watched him deteriorate before my eyes. But not before he gave me the most powerful thing of all, money and the opportunity to disappear.
“I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m also glad you had him in your life and that he could be there when you needed someone.” Colt’s throat bobs.
“He was a great man and he fought hard,” I respond, wiping a lone tear away. Desperate to take the focus off of me, I ask, “How about you, do you have anyone?”
Colt pauses a beat before he shakes his head no. “Nothing has ever felt right.”
My eyes narrow on him, finding it difficult to believe. “Not even with Ari? She sure was adamant that she knew exactly how your sheets should feel.”
Colt’s lips twitch and it hits me how my words sound. I feel a blush crawling up my cheeks. “Are you jealous, baby?”
“Not your baby,” I glare at him and take a sip of the water in front of me. “I’m not jealous. I just don’t want to give her the wrong impression if there is something between you two. It's called respect, after all, I’m not a cheater.”
Colt’s jaw clenches, and I wonder if it hurts him to remember that moment just like it hurts me. True, he never actually slept with her. He doesn’t know that I know that yet. I drop back in my seat and look him right in the eyes. “Does it have to do with life in the club?”
“Ari is a friend. I don’t know why she said those things or what she was trying to accomplish, but I already told her to knock it off. I’ve never fucked her or crossed a line with her. And to answer your question, no, not really. If anything, the club, the patch brings in more women, at least that's what Zane says,” he chuckles, but it's not heartfelt. “No one has caught my attention. I just focus on the club and my job.”
“How did you get involved in the club? You said your friend, Tric?” I ask, trying to steer the questioning to a topic that doesn’t give me mental images of Colt with other women.
“Tric was Jester’s son,” he answers, his voice cracking.
My eyes widen. “Jester, like VP Jester?”
He nods. “Tric was a really good friend of mine, and when he died, I brought his things home to Tennessee for the funeral. That's how I met Daggerz and eventually Jester. Tric had wanted to be a member, but his dad wanted him to experience life. It caused a riff between them up until the day he died. Their relationship was good except for that one disagreement. Anyway, I brought him Tric’s last letter. When I was there, something just clicked. I can’t explain it. I’ve been searching for so long for something that felt right, that felt like I belonged. The club felt that way. It felt like home, like I needed to be here. So I stayed and Zane did too.”
Colt’s words sting in a way I didn’t expect them to. I’m glad he’s content and no longer searching for himself, yet at the same time, it hurts that it wasn’t me that made him feel whole. It wasn’t the life we dreamt of together that gave him the security he wanted. My eyes drop to the table and once again the uncomfortable silence stretches on.
He leans back, hands resting on the table now. “I had the idea this would go differently. I meant what I said about clearing the air, but what I really want to say is that I am sorry. For everything, Lyric. You didn’t deserve that from me. I wish I handled everything with Bama differently and that I hadn’t hurt you. I should never have lied to you.”
“Okay, but why?” I ask, refusing to just accept his apology. I want to call him out instead. “Why did you decide not to go to college? Why did you lie about sleeping with that girl at the party?”
“You know about that?” He at least has the decency to look sheepish.
“I was out with Camryn, and this girl walked up to me. Asked me if I remembered her. She wanted to clear her name about what happened.” I shrug and wait.
“I didn’t plan it. I honestly didn’t think you’d come back the next morning and it just worked out that way. I was trying to push you away then, and when I let you believe I slept with her, I finally got what I wanted.” His words do nothing to slow the pounding in my temples.
“Yeah, you did,” I agree with him, while letting the sarcasm drip from my words. “Now can you tell me why? Was it just that you didn’t want to go to Alabama anymore or because you didn’t want to go with me?”
Colt shifts in his seat and inhales before speaking. “It wasn’t you, Lyric. You are perfect. I loved you so much. It was my own fucked-up head. When Zane and I got to Bama, they rolled out the red carpet. We had a tour. We talked with an adviser. I got to see the facilities, and everything was great until the coach asked if I wanted to practice with the team. I tanked. I couldn’t catch, couldn’t get a play off, I was tackled so many times my jersey was green from the grass stains. And all I could hear was my dad’s voice telling me how I would never amount to anything. How the universe took the wrong kid. I was embarrassed and stupid and didn’t even stick around to talk or think about my options with the team or the coach. I bailed. I ran scared. Zane was talking earlier on our drive about why he enlisted, and, I don’t know, it seemed like the fastest and easiest way to get out of town, out of the state and start over. Where I wouldn’t have to face anyone. And I wouldn’t have to tell you how much of a failure I was. I’m sorry I lied to you and that I hurt you.”
I take a few moments and his words replay over in my mind. For some reason, I’m not as shocked as I thought I would be. Hurt, yes, mad, absolutely. It was so long ago, and I am so tired of carrying around the past this way. At this moment, I need to make a decision, and I’m the only one who has the power over how this will affect me.
I think of Zane and his reaction to seeing me again. I remember how many times he apologized then and now, explaining it wasn’t his story to tell. And maybe it wasn’t. I finally pushed my own thoughts down to step into his shoes and realized I would have done the same for Camryn or any of my friends back then. Maybe that isn’t right or fair, but I would have.
My eyes lift back to Colt’s. I can see his apology in his eyes, the way the truth has weighed on him, shaped his life, and led him here. He’s been lost and alone, while at least I had a support system and people who pushed me to live my life to the fullest. To be happy. I think about my own growth over the past ten years. The love, the loss, the self-discovery. It’s a burden to carry around so much anger and hate any longer.
“I wish you had told me,” I start, and I notice his eye twitches. “I wish I had known the pain you were in or just anything else than what you let me believe. That was what always hurt the most, the fact that you lied. I always knew there had to have been a reason. I would have understood, Colt. And even if that had led to us breaking up then or down the road, at least it would have been honest.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his hands folded, resting against his lips, and I swear I see his eyes shimmer.
“Thank you,” I tell him. “I accept your apology. And I’m glad you and Zane both ended up here alive, and that you found the peace you’d been looking for. I needed to let this go and now I feel like I finally can.”
Our food arrives then and we both rush to pull ourselves together. I gently dab under my eyes, where a few tears were threatening to spill over. Colt clears his throat, and we make attempts at other small talk as we eat our meals. He checks his watch, making sure we’re staying on track for time, and it feels good that I don’t have to worry for now. It starts to feel comfortable.
When we’re finished, he snatches the check, even after I offer to pay my portion. He declines over and over until I give up. I guess I’ll take the free meal and drink. We both stand to leave, and Colt walks behind me, his hand gently resting on my side, guiding me out the front door. It's such a light touch, but I can feel the heat coming off his skin through my cotton shirt. I’m careful not to touch him back or lean too much into him, even though part of me wants to.
He walks me to the passenger door and I look him over again, really taking in his appearance without the cut and motorcycle grease. His jeans hang low on his hips and the dark blue Henley he chose pulls tight against his broad chest. He’s my ex and I should not be lusting after him. Why couldn’t he have the decency to have gotten less attractive or smell bad in the last ten years? That would be fair in the karmic universe. I guess that at least, if I have to lay low with my life on pause, Colt is making up for it with his appearance.
“I’m glad we got the chance to reconnect.” I clear my throat and nod toward the restaurant we just came out of. “At least while my life is in shambles, I’ll be surrounded by friends.”
Colt’s eyes wander over my face. Whatever he sees causes his eyes to flash, angrily, possessively, and filled with annoyance. “Lyric, I didn’t ask you to lunch and open up so we could just bury the past. I was a little caught off guard by the way our conversation went, but by no means is this me walking away, giving you closure or whatever.”
“I—"
He cuts me off, stepping closer, until he’s in my space, my relaxed Vans touching his Nikes. “I am sorry I hurt you and lied to you and that it took me ten years to get it out, but this isn’t me walking away again. I’m not reconnecting with you and burying the past so that things go smoothly for the club. Thank you for forgiving me for the past, I mean I’ll take it, but even if you hadn’t, I’m prepared to argue about it with you for the rest of our lives, and make up with you about it for however long it takes.”
“It’s been ten years, Colt.” I shake my head and move to step back. “We aren’t the same people anymore, and honestly, you can’t just stroll on in and play the ‘you want me now’ card because we saw each other again. Ten years. You could have reached out at any time.”
His hand reaches out and latches onto my wrist, forcing my body to fall into his. “I never thought I’d see you again, Lyric. I figured you were married with kids, and I didn’t want to ruin things for you. Seeing you, though, blew that last piece of decency right out of the water. You’re meant to be mine. You always have been.”
My knees turn to Jell-O and I’m instantly pissed at myself about it. Yanking my hand out of his grip, I step to the side and pull my door open. I feel his gaze burn holes in my back while I hop up into the seat and close the door in his face. My heart beats erratically the whole time while he makes his way back over to his side of the truck and hops in. Over and over again in my head, I can hear my mom’s voice telling me the pain would go away some day, and it did, only to have the source of that pain arrive in the flesh, busting his way back into my life. And this time, I need him. Memories of Jordan telling me to be stronger, then also telling me to forgive and be happy before he died flashes in my mind. I’m torn. I can forgive him. I did forgive him. There is no way, though, I can give Colt Street my heart again. I’m barely surviving now from the shape it’s in.