45. Wrinley
Wrinley
B y the time the end credits play, the realization hits me that I may or may not have cried the entire time. I didn’t expect him to, but Axel never let go of my hand. I know my father is responsible for this. I love this new bromance they have going on, but I also hate it just a little.
That’s not really true.
Axel has never really had anyone in his corner and a good portion of that is his own damn fault. That man has always been so fucking closed off, keeping everyone at arm’s length, he could seriously do way worse than my dad.
And realistically, my dad could use a little companionship. He’s been so lonely since mom. So, as much as dad is good for Axel… I think Axel’s good for him, too.
“You okay?” Axel asks, distracting me from my inner thoughts.
I offer him a terse nod. “I know this is my dad’s doing, but did he tell you why I love this movie so much?”
He shakes his head and gives my hand a gentle squeeze, encouraging me to continue.
“Once I knew I liked dancing, my conversations would always revolve around it. My parents couldn’t even get me to talk about anything else.
It was easy with mom, because she had been a dancer before, but dad…
he always supported me, but never really understood it.
” Every muscle in my shoulders start to tense, the more I talk about my mother.
It’s only a matter of time before more tears make an appearance.
“Keep going,” he presses gently.
“Well, mom had the idea to start watching movies that had dancing in them. We watched everything from Singin’ In The Rain to Footloose. But the one that I fell in love with, over all the rest, was Dirty Dancing.”
“You mean to tell me your mom let you watch that movie when you were little?” Axel’s eyes widen as he puts the pieces together in his head.
“Yeah. She let me watch it for the first time when I was eleven, but she insisted on covering my eyes for the more mature parts. Although, even covered eyes couldn’t stop me from having the biggest crush on Patrick Swayze,” I say, sucking in a deep breath. “With an ass like that, how could I not?”
A deep groan escapes him at that last comment and I can’t help but roll my eyes at his jealousy of a fucking movie star.
“I think we watched it forty times, maybe more.” My voice trails off as I start to fidget with the hem of my shirt.
A moment of silence passes, then I continue, “Every time we got to the end, we’d both look at each other with the most serious faces and in unison with Johnny, we’d say, ‘Nobody puts baby in the corner’. God, I miss that with her.”
“What I’m hearing is that everything revolved around dancing for you and your mom.”
I nod and wipe the rogue tear that made its way to my chin.
“Yet, you don’t dance anymore.”
“You already know this. What’s your point?”
“I’m just surprised.” His tone is flat, but there's a hint of something else I can’t quite place.
“She’s gone. There’s no reason for me to dance anymore.”
“Would you do it for me?”
I rear my head back in shock at his question. “Are you actually asking? Or is this some fucked up way of making me think I have a choice when you really intend on making me do the thing you asked me to do?”
“Does it matter?”
“Are you going to keep answering my questions with a question?” A slightly evil grin tugs at the corners of his mouth and I know I’m fucked. Of course I’m fucking fucked. I fell in love with this piece of work. “Don’t answer that. I’ll consider dancing for you one day.”
“Now.” This time, his tone is no longer flat. It’s absolute. He’s not joking.
“A-Axel–”
“Don’t do that. Don’t you dare try to tell me you can’t do it.
I’ve seen you do a lot of hard things lately, that I happen to know you didn’t think you were capable of.
Look at you now. You’re able to ride in or on and drive a vehicle with minimal freak outs.
” He grabs my hands in his, caressing the backs gently with his thumbs.
“Remember the first time you got in my truck at Gravity? I’ve never seen anyone so fucking freaked out just being in a vehicle before.
You didn’t think you could do it, but you fucking did. This… this is no different.”
“But, it’s been so long,” I whine, allowing my shoulders to slump just a little.
“Come on. I bet it’s like riding a bike. Starts out a little wobbly at first, but your muscles eventually remember what they’re supposed to do. Besides, don’t you think your mom would want you to keep dancing? I happen to know you were amazing at it. She’d want you to live your fucking life, baby.”
I roll my shoulders a little more forward as the tears make their way to the surface, breaking away into a heavy sob.
They land on the theater floor like salty raindrops, when Axel pulls a hand from mine and moves it to my back, rubbing in circles…
an uncharacteristically sweet gesture for such a generally harsh man.
“How do you know any of that?”
“Come on, baby. Anytime Arabella needed a ride, who do you think drove her? Certainly not our shithead of a womb donor. It was me… always me. If you think I never caught you dancing in all that time, you’re delusional. I just don’t always make my presence known.
“You danced like you were made for it, until the worst day of your life.
I watched you in that hospital bed, crying in your sleep, groggy as fuck on all the pain meds they gave you and then I watched you shove it all down at the funeral when you saw your father was struggling.
You put your own grief aside to comfort him and then spent the last almost ten years not living your goddamn life.
“Your love of dance and life didn’t have to die with her. You can still love it. It doesn’t take away from the love you had for her and it doesn’t mean you love her any less because you decide to move on and live your fucking life.”
My eyes blink rapidly at this confusing man. He’s rendered me speechless. Literally fucking speechless.
“I know you think you don’t have a reason to dance anymore, but consider our little parasite growing in your belly. Do you really want to deprive him–or her–of a mother they can dance and obsessively watch dancing movies with?”
I inhale a calm, centering breath as deeply as I can, forcing my brain to push away the tears that are sure to come without my consent.
When the lump takes hold in my throat, I know it’s a lost cause and let go.
My mind floods with all the memories I have with my mother.
The ones I’ve forced into a tiny compartment, never to be relived again.
I didn’t want to relive them. I didn’t want to feel them because I’ve been afraid to feel… her .
Goosebumps skitter across my skin, followed by a rush of warmth that starts at my toes and travels slowly up my body, landing at my chest with a heaviness that’s almost too much to bear.
“Do you think she’s here with me?” I whisper, barely loud enough for him to even hear.
“I don’t know, baby.” At least he’s honest. “What I do know is if it were me, and I was forced to leave you too soon–like she was–I’d sure as hell stay by your side in death.
So, with everything I know of your mother and your relationship with her, I’d say the chance is pretty fucking high that she’s here. ”
My hands move to find my bump as I rub small, gentle circles through my shirt. I hate to admit it, but Axel is right. If not for me, I need to do this for my baby. “My mother was the best part of me,” I sigh heavily.
I stand and Axel stands with me. For once, his silence doesn’t infuriate me. I’m just grateful he’s here.
“I wish they could have her–that I could have her–but since we can’t… I want her legacy to live on through me, so her grandchild can have what I did,” I tell him, my voice shaky and filled with uncertainty. “Even if they only get to see her through my eyes.”
I push his shoulders, encouraging him to sit back in his seat.
“I’ve got this,” I assure him with a confidence I’m not sure I feel yet, but I have to believe I’ll get there–eventually.
He lands a playful slap on my ass as I shuffle past him and it adds just enough levity to the moment, so I’m able to keep moving my feet closer and closer to the old theater stage.
“Atta girl.”
By the time I finally make it, I can’t help but look back at my man waiting for me to do this impossible thing. This thing I haven’t done in almost ten years. This thing I’ve never done without my mother by my side.
A distinct wolf whistle cuts through the silence as my feet land on the old wood that’s probably seen so much over the years.
Music creeps through the speakers, the closer I get to center stage.
I don’t know the song, but it’s giving the exact melancholy but hopeful vibe I need to get me through this in one piece.
The music swells and the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rise like a hand is being brushed across the skin.
My head rolls into the feeling as it moves down my arm causing it to sway above my head and then around my chest. The sensation of fingers ghosting over my skin, travels from limb to limb, around and back, up and down, guiding every movement I make.
I close my eyes and let myself live in this moment. Circline the invisible force that holds me, wrapping my body around it so I can try to keep it forever.
Every minute I’m moving–dancing–I get lost in the music that surrounds me. My body is already aching for me to stop, but I can’t. I have to keep going.
My long hair whips with my head just before a tingling sensation erupts on my belly, forcing me to halt before I’m ready. Then I glance down and place my hands atop the invisible one I’m positive is resting there… with me.
The tingling swiftly transitions into something considerably more painful, causing my expression to twist and contort more and more with the increasing discomfort. My body hunches over in a failed attempt to get a tiny bit of relief as worry prickles up my spine.
No, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. I don’t know what this is, but I know if I don’t get my shit together, Axel will be up here in 2.5 seconds and demanding to take me to the hospital.
A wave of intense pressure crosses over my abdomen, squeezing like it’s trying its damndest to take us both out, then comes the sharp, stabbing pains. If I didn’t already know I was alone up here, I’d be worried. But maybe I am worried.
“Ahhh,” I cry, my heartbeat pounding in my throat as fear grips me.
Movement in the corner of my eye draws my attention from my misery as my body collapses underneath me.
“Axel… Something’s wrong.”