18
Lillian
I was pleased to have slipped through the gap of the closing elevator doors. I like how it feels to barely make it, even if it’s a small thing.
Then I saw Emelia. The doors shuddered into place.
“Hi?” I said.
My body said that I had to touch her face. I had to reach my hands into her hair and kiss her as hard as I could. Desperately. I could hold her and bury my face in her scarf. I could at least brush her hand.
I stepped toward her, saying.
“How have you been doing? I’ve been worried about you.”
She shrank away from me into the corner of the elevator. It jolted as it started moving.
“You’re worried about me? Really?”
“Of course,”
I said.
“Of course I’m worried about you. I like your scarf.”
“Are you worried that I’m not fine? One of us has to be fine.”
“I don’t need you to be fine.”
“Yes you do. I’ll be okay. I’m always okay. You know that. You broke my heart out of nowhere and now you’re worried about me.”
“It wasn’t out of no —”
“I worried about you all the time. I didn’t know when you were going to be anxious or ecstatic or in love or afraid. It never stopped. I knew I needed space. I was scared you’d go into some tailspin. Or start a fire. Or disappear.”
The elevator had reached the next floor. The doors started to open, but I pressed the button for them to shut again.
“I know,”
I said.
“I know, I know. I’m so sorry, Emelia. You said take a break, and I panicked. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you.”
This is something we’d said to each other. Me too quickly and Emelia once she was sure she felt it. I got scared when she didn’t say it back right away. She talked me off that ledge.
In the elevator, she was crying. I knew it was frustration, not that my words had worked. I knew as soon as she shrank away from me. I could feel the lights in me flickering.
“What the fuck, Lillian? This is exactly what I’m talking about.”
The elevator doors had opened again, and she pushed the cart of books into the hallway. She was leaning on it like everything was too heavy on her. She looked back for a second and said.
“You can’t count on the people who love you to save you.”
Then who will?
No one else got into the elevator. The doors started sliding shut.
I said.
“You broke your own heart,”
but I never saw how she reacted.