Chapter 10
Shelley
Jordan’s eyes stay locked with mine while he says, “Your mom was right earlier, you know, that dress looked really good on you tonight.”
“But in the neutral, looking-at-paint kind of way, right?” I smile and nudge him.
He returns a smirk of his own as he shakes his head. “No.”
His head tilts to the side so slightly it’s barely perceptible, but I notice, and I watch as his tongue sneaks out to wet his lips. His focus moves from my eyes to my mouth, then back again.
I’m so confused. It’s the universal sign that he wants to kiss me, and I am definitely putting out “kiss me” vibes of my own. But he’s told me that he never hooks up during the season, and he also just said he doesn’t feel attracted to people most of the time.
But then he goes and fixes those golden flecks in his eyes right at me while he says things that make my body temperature rise so quickly it feels like I could burn a hole straight through these pajamas, and it makes me think I just might be the exception to every one of his rules.
He drapes an arm over my shoulder. We aren’t cuddling, exactly, but his hand stays there, warm and steady, just like his breath.
The weight of his touch is comforting, and it isn’t long until my own breath slows and becomes even.
Something about the calming energy he puts into the room soothes my frayed edges.
Maybe I should go for it? He’s probably too loyal to Mike to ever make a move, so I lean in and whisper his name. “Jordan?”
“Hmm?”
“If you don’t want me to kiss you, you should tell me now.”
He doesn’t say anything as I continue to inch my face toward his. I watch his throat bob while he swallows. He’s still and silent when my lips brush his, only briefly. He pulls away just a touch and puts his forehead to mine while he moves his hand down to my arm and lightly cups my bicep.
“Shelley?”
“Hmm?” I close my eyes as I repeat the same throaty sound he made a few seconds ago.
Then with two words he invites reality to come crashing back into the room with us.
“We can’t.”
They’re the same words I’ve been repeating to myself since the first time I met him, but hearing his voice confirm the thought shatters a small piece of me.
“Oh.” My face falls and I scoot away, retreating to my side of the bed. “Okay. Sorry. I guess I misread this.”
He brushes my apology away with a light shake of his head. “No. You didn’t. It’s just there’s still the long-distance thing, and your brother. I don’t want to lead you on. We shouldn’t. We can’t.”
“Right. Yeah. That’s fine.” My voice is small. We both know it’s not fine because all the flirty energy and tense anticipation that were filling the air just a moment ago have dissipated, and my ego is deflating faster than a whoopee cushion run over by a bus.
I know everything he’s saying is true. It wouldn’t be smart or convenient to start anything with Jordan. I’ve gone over the excuses hundreds of times. I’m in school. He’s committed to the team. Long distance is hard. My brother will murder him. I know all of that. Still.
“But just to be clear, one kiss isn’t a contract. I never asked for a relationship.” I try to save a little bit of face.
After a few awkward moments of silence, he says, “I should go.”
I can’t argue because I know Mike would see it that way too, and I don’t want to cost them their friendship over my silly crush.
That’s all this will ever be. A crush. Maybe even a mutual one. But if Jordan doesn’t want it to go any further, I need to find a way to move on, too.
Jordan nods to himself and gives me a quick side hug before scooting out of the bed. He takes his suit coat off the hook where I hung it and drapes it over his arm. Stopping with his hand on the doorknob, he says, “Hey, we’re still friends, right? I don’t want this to change anything.”
“Friends. Yep. Sure. Of course.” I swallow and blink away the tears fighting their way to the surface. I won’t cry until he’s gone. He might not want anything to change, but I wish everything could be different.
“Well, I better…” He doesn’t finish his sentence as he opens the door. The words “we can’t” hang in the air between us while he shows himself out, leaving me alone in this tiny hotel room with all the memories we just created.