Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
The cause of the argument had been ridiculous. It was the same old story. With the distance of age and experience, she could see how insecure she’d been. Back then, however, she’d just felt not good enough.
Robert had gone to a school far better than hers.
His had been expensive, secluded, full of people with money and connections.
Lucy had come from the same world; they even knew some of the same people.
That was the way of it for them: everybody knew everybody, whether it was a friend of a friend or cousin of a cousin.
Of course, it wasn’t Robert’s fault that Ian was always so dismissive about state school education.
Or that there’d been a girl who’d laughed about people from council estates.
But every comment was another brick in which Ellen built the belief that she and Robert were from such different worlds that they were never going to last. That he would eventually realise that he was much better suited to one of the private school girls and would leave her behind.
Ellen had been waiting for him on a bench outside the chemistry building when she saw them coming towards her, Robert and a girl from his class.
The girl, pretty and blonde, was throwing her head back and laughing at something he’d said, then touching his arm in the same way Lucy did.
Intimate. Proprietorial. When they drew level with her, she could hear the clipped vowels that told her everything she needed to know about where this girl was from.
Unfortunately, where she was going – due to Robert’s kindness – was to join them at the bar for a drink.
Ellen had behaved badly from the beginning.
In truth, she’d been in a funk of a mood.
Due to a delay in getting her grant for that term, it was the third week in January and she was skint.
She’d spent the last hour worrying about having to ask her parents for more money that they didn’t have but would somehow find for her.
It was bad timing. As soon as the girl disappeared to the bathroom – and she and Robert were on their own – she made a stupid petty comment. ‘How soon can we shake her off?’
Robert was surprised, as he should be; this was not the type of comment she usually made. ‘What do you mean? We haven’t got anywhere to be, have we?’
Irritation made her mean. ‘No, but she’s a bit of a bore. Blathering on about her big house in the country and how many horses she has.’
A cloud passed over his face. ‘That’s not fair, Ellen. She wasn’t boasting or – what did you call it? Blathering? – about her house. That’s just how she lives. She’s really nice when you get to know her.’
Was it his defence of another girl or the fact he’d been dismissive of a slang word she’d used. ‘Oh really? And you’ve got to know her, have you?’
She hadn’t realised that her voice was getting louder and Robert made the mistake of telling her to quieten down. ‘Everyone is looking at you, Ellen. You’re making a fool of yourself. This is not how to behave in public.’
The dry tinder of her anxiety about money, stoked by her jealousy, meant a spark of anger ignited in a moment. ‘I’m so sorry. We haven’t all had the privileged upbringing you have. Maybe you would be better off with someone like her.’
This statement got to the very heart of her fear about Robert. That they were so different that, one day, he would realise she wasn’t what he wanted and their relationship would implode.
By the look on his face, that moment might have been right then. ‘I’m not having this conversation, Ellen. You are being cruel and unpleasant and I don’t know why. You sound more like Lucy than yourself. I’m going to go.’
The girl from his class reappeared from the toilet and he strode across the bar to intercept her.
Who knew what he’d told her, but he must have saved Ellen’s blushes, because she waved and smiled before she followed him out, leaving Ellen sitting in the student union bar nursing the last quarter of a pint of snakebite and black.
For a while, she sat there angry, shredding a damp tissue into small pieces. Why had he just left like that? Surely, he could see how upset she was? This was the end of it, wasn’t it? She’d known it was going to happen. How little it had taken for him to leave with another girl.
But then she started to replay the conversation in her head.
And she realised how petty and horrible she’d been.
Robert was the last person to make her feel as if she was lesser than their other friends.
She’d done that to herself. What an absolute idiot.
She had to find him and apologise before it was too late.
When she left the bar, it was around 4.30p.m. and already getting dark.
Becoming more anxious by the minute, she looked everywhere for him.
The library, the courtyards, anywhere she could think of that he might go.
This was before anyone had a mobile phone so she couldn’t call his friends to see where he was.
And he wasn’t anywhere to be found. All the while she couldn’t shake the idea that she’d been a total nightmare and then let him leave with a really pretty girl.
If he ended up with her, she’d have no one to blame but herself.
When she couldn’t find him, she went looking for Lucy to spill everything that’d happened.
That morning, Lucy had told her she had a paper due tomorrow and was planning to set up camp in the library until it closed at ten o’clock.
But she wasn’t on the sciences floor when Ellen looked.
And she wasn’t getting a coffee in the café.
Or in any of the other places she liked to hang out when she was kidding herself that she was ‘taking a break’ rather than getting her work done.
She must’ve gone home. Just when Ellen needed her most.
All the while, she still hadn’t seen Robert, or the girl he’d been with, anywhere. Where was he?
She headed back to the bar one last time, hoping against hope that he had cooled off and come looking for her. Standing just inside the door, she was scanning the room when she felt a hand on her shoulder.