Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
Ellen had never felt so awful in her life.
She forced herself under a scalding shower, hoping to wash away her shame along with the alcohol coming out of her pores.
Her mind replayed the night before like a show reel, the argument with Robert, the look on his face, her search of the campus which confirmed that he had disappeared and didn’t want to speak to her. What had she done?
Without even bothering to dry her hair, she pulled on jeans and a shirt and gathered up the notebook and pens she needed for her lecture.
She hadn’t been able to find Lucy last night, either.
No one in her accommodation had seen her.
If she could find Lucy, she’d know what to do.
She had so much more experience in relationships than Ellen.
By 9a.m., she was sitting in a stuffy lecture theatre listening to the most boring professor on campus droning on about endosymbiotic theory.
She wrote down notes – organelle function, the evolution of eukaryotic cells, prokaryotic ancestors – but none of it made it anywhere near her brain.
All she could think about was what a fool she’d been the night before.
She could only see the look of disappointment on Robert’s face at the way she’d spoken about that poor girl.
‘You are being cruel and unpleasant and I don’t know why.
You sound more like Lucy than yourself.’
She was heartbroken. She’d made the biggest mistake of her life.
Straight after the lecture, she was on her way home when she spied Lucy across the quad. She waved to get her attention. When that didn’t work, she called out. ‘Hey!’
Had Lucy glanced in her direction before turning the other way? Surely, she must be mistaken? Though her stomach still felt precarious, Ellen picked up the pace to catch up with her friend. ‘Lucy!’
This time she turned; her face so pale it was like looking in a mirror. Her books clutched to her chest like a protective shield. ‘Hi, Ellen.’
‘I tried to find you last night. Where were you?’
She shrugged. ‘I told you, yesterday. I had a paper to finish. I was in the library.’
That was strange. Last night, she’d looked there and not found her. Still, that didn’t matter right now. ‘I wanted to talk to you. I had a fight with Robert.’
This should get a reaction. Unlike Lucy and Ian, she and Robert weren’t known for any drama. On the contrary, she’d always felt lucky that they just got along.
But Lucy didn’t look surprised. ‘Oh.’
She had hoped for a bit more support. How many times had she listened to Lucy’s relationship woes? ‘I was an idiot. Jealous. I really might’ve ruined everything.’
Lucy’s face was unreadable. ‘Well, maybe it’s for the best.’
Ellen’s heart plummeted to her feet. What did Lucy know that she didn’t? ‘For the best? I don’t understand. What does that mean?’
There wasn’t a drop of sympathy in Lucy’s tone. ‘Well, if you’re going to split up. It’s better that it happens now rather than on top of our final exams at the end of the year.’
Ellen had to cover her mouth to stop her lips from trembling.
Split up? This wasn’t what she’d wanted to hear.
She’d hoped that Lucy would tell her that everything would work out.
That she and Robert were meant for each other.
Maybe even that Lucy would tell her what to do to make this all okay again. ‘I don’t want to lose him.’
For the briefest moment, Lucy’s face softened, then she shook her head. ‘Look, I’ve got to get to a class. I’ll speak to you later.’
Feeling even worse than she had this morning, Ellen wandered back to her house. She had classes, too, but all she wanted to do was to get back in bed and pull the quilt over her head.
When she saw the bright-yellow sticky notes on her bedroom door, she could have wept.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
Find me in the library.
She touched each of them in turn as if they were precious artefacts, running her fingers over the raised scratch made by his pen. He must’ve come to speak to her while she was in her lecture. A rush of relief and hope flooded through her body. Had he forgiven her?
One glance in the mirror inside her room confirmed that she looked as dreadful as she felt. As quickly as she could, she brushed her hair into a ponytail, rubbed some foundation onto her face, pulled on a fresh pair of jeans and a fitted shirt and made off for the library.
The Biology and Chemistry sections were on the same floor, so she and Robert often studied together in the same place.
It made it easy to find him among the rows of desks.
As soon as he saw her coming, Robert strode down the aisle towards her and took her into his arms, whispering ‘I’m sorry I left you’ into her hair.
Tears fell from her eyes onto his shoulder, she breathed in the scent of him like a drug. Her voice muffled by the thick cotton of his shirt. ‘No. I’m sorry. I was so horrible. I deserved it.’
They weren’t talking loudly, but the librarian at the far desk frowned at them. Robert pushed Ellen gently away from him and, holding the tops of her arms, tilted his head to smile at her. ‘I’ll get my things and we can sit outside and talk.’
On the bench outside, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. She didn’t care a thing for the frosty January air as long as she had Robert’s arms around her. He kept kissing her cold face. ‘Where did you go after I left? Did you stay there?’
She shook her head. ‘No. I looked everywhere for you. Where had you gone?’
She wanted to ask if he’d gone somewhere with that girl but didn’t want to start them off again. ‘I went back to the house. But I had a long walk first. I was so wound up. It just wasn’t you, acting like that. You worried me.’
A hot blush bloomed on her cheeks. ‘I know. I’m sorry. I don’t really know where that came from. I was worrying about stuff and, I don’t know, I was stupid.’
‘I’m sorry, too. I should have stayed and worked out what was wrong. Let’s never do this again.’
She slipped her hands inside his coat where it was warm and welcoming and laid her head on his shoulder. She never wanted to be anywhere else again. ‘Lucy said that it was for the best. That if we were going to split up it was better now than later.’
She felt him stiffen. ‘Lucy? When did she say that?’
‘This morning. I saw her on my way back. I don’t think she meant it like that. She was being a bit weird.’
He didn’t answer immediately but, when he did, it sounded considered and serious. ‘I’m not sure you should be listening to Lucy. This has got nothing to do with her. It’s between you and me, Ellen. Our relationship has nothing to do with anyone else.’
She held onto him tightly, pushing away the dark thoughts that threatened to ruin this moment. Yesterday was yesterday and today was today. ‘I liked the sticky notes. I’m going to keep them. They feel like little love letters.’
He kissed the top of her head. ‘Then I’ll make sure I leave you plenty more little love letters in future.’