Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
Just over a week later, Ellen invited Lucy, Joe and Charlotte to dinner.
Ellen had spent the last two days cleaning the house from top to bottom.
An hour before they came, she was still plumping cushions and straightening photo frames.
They had a nice home and Ellen loved it, but it was not a patch on the place Joe and Lucy had in Spain and she spent the whole day trying to make it look as nice as possible.
Robert had laughed at her. ‘They’re coming to see us. Not buy the place.’
He was right. And there were much more important things to be achieved tonight than for Lucy to think she had a nice carpet. ‘I wonder how it will be for the girls? It’s a big deal.’
Over the last week, she’d had a chance to get her head around the idea that Grace had another sister.
No one had told the other two sisters yet.
It was the kind of thing that couldn’t be done over the phone and they’d reasoned that, right now, it was more important that they enjoy their first few weeks at university.
Abigail, especially, could do without another bombshell.
Ellen worried briefly that this was another secret but both Grace and Robert had assured her that this was different.
They would tell Abigail as soon as they saw her next.
Lucy agreed and said that they wouldn’t tell Emily until then, too.
She and Lucy had spoken on the phone several times in the last week.
Now everything was out in the open, she was remembering just how much fun they had had together.
She felt younger, somehow. It hadn’t all been reminiscing and nostalgia, either.
Lucy had made her laugh with stories about her neighbours and had been genuinely interested to hear about Ellen’s work in the lab: a job she would need to return to next week.
Charlotte and Grace had also spoken on the phone and – according to Grace – they had a lot in common.
But this was to be the first time that they’d met in real life.
Grace had offered to peel the potatoes while Ellen prepared the chicken by tucking garlic cloves under its skin. Ellen wondered if this unusual helpfulness was because she just wanted to be kept busy. ‘Are you nervous, Grace?’
Tilting her head, Grace considered the question. ‘More curious. She sent me some pictures of herself, but I’m intrigued to see if we have any mannerisms or habits that are the same. It’s a weird thought, having such a close relation that you’ve never met.’
Ellen drizzled olive oil over the chicken. It was a weird thought. Even weirder that their shared DNA had come from someone else they’d never met. ‘Has she said anything about him? Ian?’
His name was unpleasant in her mouth, but she wasn’t for a second going to refer to him as their father. Robert and Joe were their dads.
The colander clattered as Grace dropped a peeled potato into it. ‘I asked her if she’d ever considered looking him up – Ian – and she said she’d never wanted to. She said if he wanted to be in her life, he would be. She wasn’t about to go chasing after him.’
‘That sounds reasonable.’ Though she was scared of the answer, she had to ask the same question. ‘Do you want to look him up?’
Grace looked appalled. ‘No. Absolutely not. I feel sick at what he did to you. At what he’s done to other women. To be honest I’m sick to death of all lying men right now.’
She did that funny, turned-down smile she’d done since she was a baby that pulled on Ellen’s heart strings. ‘Not all men are lying. Your dad is a good one.’
‘It’s okay, Mum. I’m not going to turn into a man-hater. I just think I need a break from them at the moment.’
‘Well, you’ve got plenty of time to worry about that.’
Grace twisted a lock of her hair between two fingers. ‘Do you ever regret having me so young. I mean, especially now you know that?—’
‘No.’ Ellen was back across the room in two steps to cut her off. She didn’t even want her to finish that sentence. ‘I have never ever regretted having you for one single second. It was tough being a young mum, but you brought so much more than you took. You were – you are – our absolute joy.’
Grace smiled again. This time the edges turned upwards. ‘Good.’
Charlotte and Grace seemed to hit it off almost immediately. Ellen had positioned them next to one another and they were soon laughing and finding out a million more things that they had in common.
Before the dessert was served, Grace turned to Ellen on her other side. ‘I don’t think I’m ready for dessert. Actually, Charlotte and I wondered if you’d mind if the two of us ducked out for a bit? Just for quick drink at the Foxhound. We’ll only be half an hour and then we’ll be back for dessert.’
The Foxhound pub was about four minutes’ walk from their house. It was small and quiet and ideal for an intimate conversation. Ellen could understand that there might be things that the two of them would want to talk about away from their parents’ eager ears. ‘Of course, We’ll save you some.’
Once they’d gone, the four of them stayed at the table, talking about Joe’s latest project, Robert’s recovery and Ellen’s imminent return to work.
After an hour or so, she pushed away her chair and stood up.
‘I’ll just clear these plates away and bring the dessert out.
That way it’ll be there when we want it. ’
Joe stood and began to collect the plates from his end of the table. ‘I’ll help you.’
The last time she and Joe were alone, he’d been showing her around the house in Malaga and she’d been imagining all sorts of things between her husband and his wife.
Some of the things they’d discussed that day came back to her now and she felt the need to apologise again.
‘I’m sorry about how strange I must have been when we stayed with you. ’
Joe slid the pile of plates onto the counter. ‘Please don’t apologise. Completely understandable in the circumstances. You and Robert must come back again as soon as he’s up to it. Bring the girls.’
He was such a kind and affable man, that she decided to risk speaking to him about something that had been worrying her. ‘I know we don’t know each other that well, but can I ask you a question. It’s personal.’
Joe smiled. ‘Well, I think we’ve been through enough in the last week or so for you to do that. Go ahead.’
‘You and Charlotte are really close aren’t you? I mean, I know you’re her dad, but…well, I suppose what I want to know is, is it different? Charlotte and Emily. Do you feel differently about Emily because you’re her biological dad?’
Joe didn’t say anything and she worried that she’d offended him.
But then he nodded. ‘I suppose the difference is that Charlotte wasn’t a baby when I met her.
She was this tiny but fully formed human with a personality and a stare that could freeze you in place.
I hadn’t even considered becoming a father before I met Lucy.
I mean, I was only in my early twenties.
But I fell in love with Lucy and she made it clear from the very beginning that Charlotte was part of the package.
I was worried that I wouldn’t be up to it.
That I wouldn’t like being a parent. I had no idea what I was taking on. ’
He paused again and gazed at the corkboard of photographs on the kitchen wall as if he was picturing Charlotte back then and Ellen worried that she’d made him feel bad. ‘I can imagine it was a lot. It was a lot for us to have Grace so young.’
He smiled. ‘The thing is, I didn’t need to know what I was doing, because Charlotte did. She taught me to be a dad. I grew up with her. I grew up because of her. It’s given us a special relationship. It’s different to my relationship with Emily, but I love them the exact same amount.’
That’s how she felt about her girls. She loved them the same but different. ‘I get it.’
‘And you don’t need to worry about Robert. Him and Grace, anyone can see how close they are. Lucy said the same thing to me on the way here. There’s nothing of that man in her. She’s completely yours and Robert’s.’
Tears pricked at Ellen’s eyes. ‘Thank you.’
He was about to go when she remembered something else. ‘When I hear you talk about Lucy and the girls, I can help but wonder about this “open marriage” between you and Lucy. I know it’s none of my business, but…’
She trailed off at the look of bewilderment on his face. ‘What do you mean?’
She felt flustered. ‘You said that you had an understanding. That she gives you the freedom to do what you want.’
Joe threw back his head and roared with laughter. ‘Our understanding isn’t about other women. It’s about houses. I buy. I sell. We move a lot. She lets me do it.’
Now Ellen felt terrible. ‘I’m so sorry. I think I was in a different headspace when we were out in Spain. I was seeing things that weren’t there.’
She could cringe now for remembering that she’d thought that there was something going on between Robert and Lucy. Worse than that, between him and Charlotte.
Joe was still chuckling to himself. ‘How could I want another woman when I have her?’
The simplicity of his question almost made Ellen cry again.
She remembered Lucy’s honesty about her own insecurities, her need to always look perfect, be perfect.
Why do women always feel not good enough?
‘I think you should tell her that. In those exact words. Come on, let’s take this dessert through. ’
Robert and Lucy were laughing about something when they returned to the table. And her heart felt full. ‘It’s so nice to have you all here.’
Robert raised his glass of lemonade to chink it with Joe’s wine. ‘Speaking of which. Where have those girls got to? They said that they were only going out for one drink.’
Lucy leaned down to the side of her chair and reached inside her bag for her mobile. ‘I’ll send them a text, see what they’re up to.’
At the same time, Ellen checked her phone to see if there was anything from Grace.
That’s when she noticed the message with a picture attached.
She’d written ‘Look who we found’. And then there was a picture, a screenshot from Facebook, of an award ceremony in central London.
Once she saw the name on the Facebook account, she looked up in horror, meeting the same reflection mirrored back in Lucy’s face.
‘How did they find him?’
Robert had been showing Joe one of the architecture videos he’d been watching while he was stuck at home, but he looked up at the panic in Ellen’s voice. ‘What’s going on?’
Lucy was shaking her head from side to side. ‘They must’ve just searched for him online.’
Ellen shuddered, then passed her phone to Robert. ‘It’s Ian. They’ve found his Facebook account. I can’t bear to think about Grace even looking at a photograph of that man.’
She didn’t want to see him herself. It was bad enough remembering him as an arrogant entitled twenty year old. She didn’t want his face in her mind now.
‘It’s worse than that.’ Lucy turned her screen around so that Ellen could see the replica screenshot that Charlotte had sent to Lucy. Except her message was longer. Lucy leaned over so that she could read it more easily. ‘They’ve gone to speak to him.’