Chapter 4 June 2001 #3
It wasn’t too difficult of a climb. Once I was out the window, I tiptoed across the top of the garage until I reached the slope leading to the top. It took me a few minutes to climb, but once I was there, I stood on the small patch of evened-out shingles.
My pants were snug. Too tight around my hips. Too tight against my thighs. My calves. Even my ankles. I had no explanation for my actions, other than I was high, and my pants didn’t seem to fit anymore. I unbuttoned my jeans and sat on the roof before attempting to shake them off.
With my legs dangling over the edge, I shuffled the jeans off, sending them falling to the ground below. I peered over and took in a deep breath, because I didn’t realize how high up the roof was.
It was like he was right above me. Constellations in the tapestry of sky that formed the face of the Almighty. I lifted my hand to the sky and offered him a wave. My head felt fuzzy and I was seeing God in the stars. A wave seemed appropriate for the occasion.
“Hey God, how’s it hanging?” The stars flickered above like dancing diamonds glittering throughout a sea of endless black.
“Can I tell you a secret? I don’t know that it’s really a secret.
You probably already know.” I laid back against the tiles and stared up at God and the stars “I’m gay,” I whispered.
I knew He could hear me, because the Bible says He hears all.
Kent was in his room, and there was no way he could hear me up there, but the thought of him hearing those words had my hands shaking.
I lowered my voice just in case. “I know Pastor Fox says it’s a sin—that we’re all just deviants—but I think you know better.
I think you know better than all of us. When we came to West Clark, I didn’t think I’d find a friend.
I never had any back home … but I found him because of you, didn’t I?
” I raised my arm and flashed an “I love you” sign to him with my hand.
“You knew I’d been lonely for a really long time, so you sent him to me.
Or me to him.” I shrugged, unable to hold back a giggle.
Sitting back up, I beamed at him again. “Either way, you knew that we needed each other; however you want to frame it. Thank you, God. Thank you for Kent.”
Two small arms wrapped around my waist from behind.
“Thanks, God,” Kent said as he pulled my back against his chest. I peered up to find him staring down at me.
“Hey, Half-pint.”
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Hey, Gray.” Kent looked around us, taking in the sight of the red shingles. “You’re on the roof,” he said, his eyebrow rising in gentle accusation.
“I’m on the roof,” I said. I pointed to the left and scowled. “Just watch out for that big glob of bird poop. I almost stepped in it earlier.”
He chuckled. “Noted.”
I smiled, because Kent had his arms around me.
How the heck could I feel him pressed up against me like that and not?
The stars were scorching throughout the sky, but he burned brighter than them all.
His hands moved. Not much, just his fingertips grazing over my shirt, exploring my chest. I closed my eyes and bit back a moan.
“You okay?”
I looked up at him. “I’m good. I’m always good when I’m with you.”
“I’m always good when I’m with you, too.” His fingertips tickled my stomach. “Why’d you climb out the window? I was worried.”
I shrugged, staring up at the sky. “God’s right there,” I said, pointing at the biggest, brightest star in the sky. “He says, ‘hi’.”
Kent laughed until he snorted before tilting his head and giving our Lord and savior a salute. “Howdy.”
I pinched his thigh. “Kent?”
There was a warm, wet sensation against my nape that sent chills down my spine. I gripped his hand tighter, scared to say much more for fear of scaring him. His hips pushed forward, and his crotch was pressed up against my butt.
“You took off your pants,” he said.
“They felt too tight.” I turned back to stare at him. I didn’t want to go back down yet. God and Kent’s love were pouring through me, and I never wanted the moment to end. “Stay with me? Just a little while longer. Please?”
He took his coat off and laid it over my lap, covering my bare thighs. “You must be freezing, Two-liter.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him against me, just needing to feel him closer.
“Then cuddle up close and keep me warm.” I tickled his chin. “Do you ever wonder what we’re gonna do when school ends?”
“We?” he asked, arching an eyebrow at me.
I swallowed. “Yeah, Kent.” My voice was so low I didn’t even know if he’d be able to hear the words. Or I was just high. Honestly, it could have been either. “We.” A smile quirked in the corner of his mouth. Did he really think I’d just leave him behind?
“You’ll sing,” he said, like he already knew the trajectory of our life. “I’ll probably get a job in an office or something.”
I took his hand and gave it a squeeze. “Your hands are too precious to get dirty with manual labor.”
“You think so?”
“Know so,” I said. Below us, Kent’s dog, Abe, was barking up a storm, and Kent and I peered over the edge at him.
“Just me, you, and our little guy.” I wanted to say more.
To say that he could be like our little baby.
The dog I’d forced Momma to get him because I knew he was sad.
I’d never been much of a dog person, but Abe was a sweet little soul.
Gentle for gentleness’s sake; just like Kent.
When Kent’s grandma died the summer before, he’d been inconsolable.
Mrs. Fox had to call Momma and ask her to bring me over to talk to him.
I ended up staying the night, cuddling up with him so he knew he was safe.
So he knew that he was loved. We might not have said the words, but we didn’t ever need to.
We both knew. All the way down to our bones, that’s how deep it flowed.
The next day, I begged Momma to take me to find him a dog.
Something he could hold on to when I was at home and he couldn’t hold on to me.
The day we brought him over, when little Abe peeked his head up over the back window, Kent cried.
Mrs. Fox demanded we take a picture, and Momma had forced her way into it, even though I wanted it to be just us.
Our own little family. One that would get us through the eventual hump of losing our own families when we came out.
“I’d like that,” Kent said.
“I can sing to you. I will, Kent. I know you like it when I do. Every night, I’ll sing your song just so you know you’re not alone.” I grabbed his hand and squeezed it without holding anything back. “You’re never alone, Kent Fox. Not when you’ve got me.”
Kent sniffled, and the sound just about broke my heart. I turned and smiled at him, then I wrapped my arm around his back and pulled him in for a hug.
“We’re gonna spend our whole life together, you know?”
“Are we?” His voice cracked as he said the words.
“Forever. And then even longer,” I said, pointing up at the starry sky.
In the distance, they flickered and glittered across the endless blanket of blacks and dark blues.
A peppering of whites and golds and even a few pinks twinkling above us.
I didn’t know what my vision of heaven was, but I knew Kent would be right there beside me.
Even if we just ended up as stardust, shimmers of gas that fluttered in the sky, I’d take it. With him by my side, I’d take it all.