Chapter 21 Reason Thirteen
After showering away the stench of the night before, I threw on a pair of sweats and a black V-neck.
I didn’t expect our conversation to lead us anywhere near my bedroom, but I still put on a fresh set of sheets and a clean blanket.
When I was done, I used an entire bottle of air freshener and opened both windows in hopes that the smell of vomit and strawberry-flavored lube might fade before he got there.
When he arrived, all the lights were turned off downstairs, and the curtains were drawn. In part, because of my hellish hangover, but also to keep hidden the monstrosity that was my black eye.
He rang the bell, and I shouted for him to come in, not wanting to risk having to witness the light pouring in from the doorway. “I’m in here,” I called out from the living room.
“Kent?” The sound of his footsteps made their way across the hardwood floors. I sat with my back to the living room entrance, toward the darkest corner of the room.
“Why is it so dark in here?”
“My head is killing me.”
Through the darkness, he found my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
He made his way around me and sat on the other side of the couch.
“I brought you a bunch of stuff. Think I bought the whole dang pharmacy.” He’d been so sure of himself on the phone earlier, but now, he sounded nervous.
Now, he was fumbling through his medicine-filled bag of tricks.
Now, even through the darkness that shrouded the room, I could see his hands were shaking.
He handed me a bottle of water and a handful of tablets.
“A little Pepto and some ginseng. The Vicodin will either make your head hurt less or give you a buzz. I didn’t care for the feeling, personally.
Either way, you’ll forget about the pain.
” As he handed me the water bottle, his thumb stroked the side of my hand. “Can I turn on a lamp or something?”
“I look bad,” I warned him. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have anything to be self-conscious about,” he said.
I reached behind the couch and pulled the curtain back, allowing in just enough sunlight so we were no longer sitting in complete darkness.
Gray’s jaw went slack as he looked at my eye.
“I think you look beautiful. You always look beautiful.”
“Yeah?” How does one even respond to something like that? How do you thank someone for giving you a handful of words capable of shaking you to your core? I knew I had to try. I reached up, running my fingers through his hair.
Dry.
Not a drop of product in it.
“You look so handsome this way.” I waited for him to flinch, thinking he might pull away from me.
He didn’t. Instead, he leaned into my touch.
When I reached his crown, I let my index finger slide against the small patch of exposed skin in the center.
“I love this spot, Gray.” My voice was like that of a lovesick child, and I made no attempt to hide the awe coating each word.
“I know you think I’m just making fun of you, but I’m not.
I love it. Seeing you like this, all grown up.
You grew up.” I guided his hand to my heart, letting him feel it race inside my chest. “This is you. You still do this to me, even now. Especially now.”
He brought my hand to his own racing heart. “You too. So, I need you to be more careful, okay? When you called me last night, I thought I was losing you again. I can’t. I wouldn’t make it this time.”
“I’m sorry.” I moved closer to him, nuzzling my face against his shoulder.
“Didn’t mean to scare you, honest.” Lifting the sleeve of his shirt, I brushed my lips against his bare arm.
His skin was cool. Too cool for my liking.
I would have been remiss in my role of best platonic friend if I didn’t attempt to alleviate his discomfort, so I warmed him with my lips.
“I’m really sorry.” My lips moved up and down his arm without pause.
Without thought. Without giving a good goddamn about the repercussions. “Sorry. So sorry.”
He cupped the side of my face. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. Just stay safe for me.”
“I will. I promise.” Pulling my lips away from him, I stared down at my legs and grinned.
I was about three inches away from sitting in his lap.
My ass was pressed against his thigh, my legs draping over.
So close. We were so close. We’d cuddled in the past, at the lake, in his truck.
His touch was nothing new to me. But for some reason, on my mother’s sofa, it felt different.
It was what I’d been waiting for. We’d been toeing that line for months.
I was tired of that line. I loathed that line.
I wanted to pressure-wash that line out of existence.
So, I took a chance. I moved even closer.
Using my hand for support, I lifted myself off of the couch and pivoted onto his lap.
I let go of his hand and looped my arms around his back, pressing my face against his neck.
“Comfy?” His arms wrapped around my side, pulling me even closer. I kissed his neck, breathing him as if I was trying to inhale his very essence. The aroma of sandalwood and spice was heavy like he’d bathed in the scent. I wanted to bathe him with my tongue.
“So comfy.” My lips parted again, and this time I ran my tongue against his skin, making him gasp. He tasted like salt and cologne, and even in my state of perpetual hangover, his flavor did things to me. Dreadful things. Delightful things. Lascivious things. “You don’t mind, do you?”
“Mind what? You sitting in my lap like I’m Santa?” He leaned closer, his lips ghosting my cheek as he made his way toward my ear. “Not one bit. If you want to spend the rest of the day sitting on my lap, you go right ahead.”
My stomach was churning like a tequila-fueled washing machine, and it was taking everything in me just to hold on.
I couldn’t. I was slipping. Falling so hard, so fast, I knew the only thing left was the crash.
A collision with reality that would shatter me.
So, when I couldn’t hold on to my heart any longer, I held on to Gray.
I clung to him like a koala, burrowing my face deeper into his chest and letting myself become lost in him.
My hands roamed his back like they had all the right in the world to do so.
“You okay, Half-pint? You’re breathing funny.”
I pulled away from him and stared into his eyes. I was done waiting. He was right there. So close I could have kissed him. It was torture. Being too scared to make that first move.
“I need to ask you a favor, and I need you to say yes. Please say yes, Gray."
He blinked at me, staring long enough to make me second-guess my impending ultimatum. Then he opened his mouth and smiled. "Yes," he said with a nod. Without a second thought. "Anything. Everything. Whatever you want, it's yours."
"Just like that?"
He nodded. "Just like that."
I drew in a deep breath, hoping against hope that he meant it. "I want you to call it off. The engagement. I need you to break up with Sarah.”
"Huh?" Gray stared at me like I was a fool. “What the heck are you talking about?”
“I want this with you. I’m so tired of fighting for it.
Tired of waiting for you to catch up with me.
I don’t have seventeen reasons for you, only one.
I love you, Gray. I love you, and I know that you love me.
” I cupped his cheek with my palm. “I love you so much that it hurts. It’s been hurting so bad for so long that I’ve just gotten used to it, but I don’t want to be used to it.
I want to be able to take your hand whenever I want.
To cuddle up next to you without worrying I’m going to scare you off.
I know that I’m not what you planned on, but I’m here.
I’m home, and I’m hurting, and you can make that hurt stop. ”
“What?” He pulled away and stared at me like I was an idiot. “Kent, we’ve already done this.”
Fuck.
Damn right, we had. So many times. Too many times. I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t keep putting myself out there when he clearly wasn’t ready. Who knew if he ever would be?
“Sorry.” My voice was quiet, barely audible.
I didn’t trust myself to speak any louder, for fear that it might crack.
“I should know by now. God knows you’ve said it enough times.
You can’t be that man. I’m sorry if I’ve been pushy.
I know it isn’t fair to you. It’s just hard for me to see you and not …
I just love you, Gray. I love you, and I try to—I’ve been trying so hard.
” No. I couldn’t go there. Not again. We’d been through this too many times.
“You should go.” I leaned in and kissed his forehead.
“Before I embarrass myself even more.” I pried my arms away from him, ignoring the empty ache in my heart as I let him go, and I tried to move myself off of his lap.
“What the heck are you talking about?” Gray’s grip tightened, and as I tugged my arm back, he refused to budge. “You’re not making any sense.”
“You have to let me go,” I said, even though the only thing I wanted was to beg him not to. To tell him he could never let me go. Because I was his. I’d always been his.
He shook his head. “I told you last night, I’m not letting you go.
Not again. Why are you acting like …” His eyes narrowed, and he let out a heavy breath.
The look on his face could only be described as homicidal.
“You don’t even remember, do you? Good grief.
Baby, we did all of this last night.” He groaned, pulling me back against his chest. “New rule. Two drinks maximum for you. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life reliving entire conversations because you can’t hold your liquor. ”