Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
Jesse
Finishing the riding schedule for the day, I led Lady May to the westward side of the barn and cranked on the hose pipe.
She sighed as I ran the cool water over her sweaty coat.
Our sweet Lady May was getting older, the workouts tougher.
And it was ninety-one blessed degrees. No one—no horse—in their right mind would want to work out in this sweltering heat.
I’d made it all the way to Tuesday afternoon without talking to Hollie more than what kitchen duties required. I promised Tag I wouldn’t go near her, and I’d keep my word no matter how hard it proved. It was the least I could do. But the longer I stewed over our indiscretion, the less angry I was.
More than anything, I was disappointed.
Not in her. Or even in myself. Just in the situation.
The only woman I’d entertained thoughts of in the last six years, besides my late wife, was taken.
And that hit harder than it should have.
I kept telling myself it was for the best, but at the end of the day, those pep talks didn’t ease the ache of loneliness in my chest or dim my awareness of her.
Working side by side with Hollie in the kitchen required gagging and caging my feelings for her. Which, the longer I tried to deny, pounded at the door all the harder.
The spigot knob squeaked as I tightened it, and the hose water slowed to a trickle. Amid the sudden quiet, voices filtered through the air.
I stiffened.
There was no mistaking the high-pitched chattering.
Izzy and Nora were definitely in the barn.
I drew a slow, deep breath into my lungs.
I needed to take Lady May inside and avoiding Hollie’s family would be next to impossible.
My steps dragged as I grabbed her lead rope and pulled her around the corner of the barn and into the corridor.
What I saw stopped me in my tracks.
Hollie held Nora’s hand, their backs to the open barn door. They cautiously peered into Tillie’s stall, their eyes bright with admiration.
But Izzy drew near a door just beyond them. The top half of the door was propped open on a door hook. Scallywag, our new stallion, charged from the back of the stall toward Izzy, which she—in her youthful exuberance—misread as friendliness.
Izzy bounced on her toes, her hand coming out to pet him.
I dropped Lady May’s rope and lurched into the corridor. “Izzy! No!”
My yell startled Izzy just enough that she jumped backward, recoiling from Scallywag’s open mouth and bared teeth.
He took a nip at the air by her face as his body slammed against the stall door.
Izzy screamed. Hollie’s arms captured Izzy from behind and pulled her out of Scallywag’s reach.
Scallywag pranced around his stall, agitated and tossing his head.
“Back!” I deepened my voice, a tone all us cowboys used with the troublemakers.
I lifted my hand over the stall wall—a stop signal.
“You don’t get to act like that.” He made a loud puffing sound and stamped his hooves.
Reaching up, I swung the metal extension of his door and latched it closed.
The bars would prevent him from reaching over again.
I turned to face Hollie and the girls. They huddled together, eyes wide.
The horses rarely scared me, but adrenaline rushed through my veins.
Lady May had slowly wandered in the barn and made her way to the grooming wall. The old girl had been through the drill a hundred times and was eager for her brushing.
I looked back to Hollie, her face pulled tight with concern.
She wore navy skinny jeans and white tennis shoes that already had a thin layer of barn dust marring the color.
Her hair wound into a bun at the top of her head, tied with a white ribbon.
A beige t-shirt hugged her curves and her teeth gently dug into her bottom lip—like she wanted to speak first but didn’t know if she should.
Damn it all.
Nothing could dampen her forbidden fruit appeal. Standing face to face with her in the barn and not immediately reliving our kiss was harder than hitching the sheep trailer without a rear cam. I tried with all my might not to remember how hungry her lips were.
Or how happy I felt around her.
She’s married, Holmes. She’s a cheater.
Those reminders sobered me up in a hurry.
I wanted her away from my sight, off of my turf, and out of Texas.
I couldn’t trust myself to be this close to her without pushing for things not meant for me.
I wanted to take Hollie on a long walk, on a winding trail ride, or to a rodeo.
I wanted to hold her hand, sit with her, dance again. And talk easy like we had before.
My throat pulled tight with feelings I didn’t want to have.
“Jesse, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I had no idea.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” I waved down the hall, failing to soften my tone. “These aren’t pets. They’re rodeo broncs and some of them have bad attitudes. Izzy’s lucky she still has ten fingers.”
“The girls have been asking—”
“You need to ask a cowboy next time. It’s not safe to go wandering around the ranch. You can get into all kinds of trouble.”
Hollie’s gaze flicked to mine, her brow furrowing.
I didn’t realize I had a double meaning until the words had already escaped.
I continued, “There’s rattlers, prickly pear, wild animals, and horses that don’t know a tourist when they see one. We even have tack rooms and”—I looked directly at Hollie—“those seem to be especially problematic for some.”
Too far? Maybe. I didn’t really care though because my chest felt like it was being hacked in two.
On the one side, I determined to be the kind of man my son could respect.
My walk and talk would match. On the other side, I selfishly wanted to yank Hollie right back into the tack room and finish what we started.
If I had to suffer, she should suffer too.
At my words, Hollie’s fear evaporated, the emotion draining out of her face one muscle at a time from the forehead down. On its heels came a shield, blank and emotionless. Her jaw set, her cheek slightly feathering as she clenched down.
But Izzy’s eyes filled with tears. She whimpered, “I’m sorry, Mr. Jesse.”
Immediately, my fire dwindled as I chided myself for being an ass in front of the kids. “It’s okay. You scared me though.” I reached out and gently tugged her pigtail. “You good?”
She nodded, a smile toying at her lips. “Yeah.”
“You want to brush Lady May?”
At that, two sets of round brown eyes widened, hands clasping beneath chins in delight.
“Come on then, I’ll show you how.” I didn’t look at Hollie.
This was for the girls only.
Ten minutes later, Lady May was living her best life.
Cade had joined us, so three brushes worked her coat, well, two really, because Nora kept dropping her brush on the ground to hug Lady, who sighed and leaned against the girls every chance she got.
The grand majority of our horses were gentle spoiled brats, courtesy of Tag.
Really, Scallywag and a few others were the exception.
Not the rule. In the heat of the moment, I might’ve overblown the ranch’s potential dangers.
Hollie hung back, away from the horse, twisting her fingers.
“Mommy, come pet her.” Nora waved her closer.
Hollie’s smile faltered as she deflected Nora’s invitation. “She’s pretty. I love her white fur.”
“She looks like a lady. A horsey this pretty couldn’t be a boy.”
Izzy rolled her eyes. “That’s stupid.”
Nora frowned and stuck out her tongue.
When it was time to let Lady back out to pasture, the girls frolicked in the long grass behind me. I wanted them to be on their way, not because they were trouble, but because the ice between Hollie and I grew unbearable. She avoided my gaze, but when I looked elsewhere, I felt her eyes on me.
We needed to have it out. Shit needed to be said.
After releasing Lady, I walked them over to the arena, where Harlan trained a new painted gelding, Harry Trotter, to bolt forward for steer roping.
All three of the kids climbed onto the fence, watching Harry, Cade narrating for the girls.
Hollie stood a few steps back from the fence.
Unable to help myself, I glanced over my shoulder to read her expression.
She rolled her lips together, clasping and unclasping her hands on repeat.
Her face showed no fear, anger, happiness, amusement, nothing.
Blank in every way besides her restless lips and hands.
She looked up and our eyes connected. I held her gaze, daring her to come closer and open the can of worms.
Following my cue, she moved forward and tentatively placed her hand on the top pole of the arena fence. “Thank you, Jesse, for saving Izzy.”
I gave her a polite nod. “Couldn’t let someone get hurt on my watch.”
“It was an honest mistake.”
“I know.” I shifted, finding my entry point to the conversation. “Honest mistakes I can deal with. It’s the dishonest ones I have no tolerance for.”
Her blank expression shuttered before she corrected it. “W-what do you mean—I really didn’t know—”
“I’m not talking about the horses.”
Her throat bobbed with a swallow. “Then what are you talking about?”
I dropped my volume, speaking low. She leaned a little closer, eyes falling to my lips in order to fully hear my words. “Don’t act like you don’t know.”
She frowned. “But I don’t.”
“I opened up to you. I didn’t say one thing that wasn’t true.” I tried to lead her, she shouldn’t need her wrong spelled out. Surely she had a conscience.
She shook her head. “I didn’t either.”
I deadpanned at her, my head tilting to the side. “Hollie, come on.”
Her tone rose in pitch. “What are you insinuating?”
“You lied to me, Hollie.” She stiffened as I continued. “You told me you were divorced, which I have since learned is not true, and you’ve actually been married for thirteen years.” I gave a soft huff of humorless laughter.
The fight in her stance began to drain out, her shoulders falling slack.
“I value marriage, Hollie. And I deserved to know you had a husband back in Colorado way before we found ourselves alone together.”
“What? I don’t understand how…” Her words dropped off as her own convoluted truth pieced together in her head.
“I found out your relationship status from Bea.”
“Wait.” A trembling hand lifted to her heart and her eyes went wide. “Does she—does she know what happened between us?”
I scoffed. That’s really where she went first? Self-preservation? The words hurt my throat. “Don’t worry, no one is going to tell your husband you cheated on him.”
My words cut her deep, and moisture pooled in her eyes. Good.
Her voice shook. “I asked ‘does Bea know?’”
“Not unless Tag told her.”
“So Tag knows.”
“Why is that what you’re focused on right now?”
“Beacuse maybe”—her composure slipped as she waved her hand around—“things aren’t exactly what they seem. My relationship with my sister is far more important than my relationship with you, and my priority is what she thinks about me.”
“Well, maybe you should’ve considered that before following me into the barn.”
“I told you the truth.”
“You freaked out when Jackie found us on the cabin porch, and you didn’t interact with me at all when your family was anywhere nearby, which I was too infatuated to notice at the time. You didn’t want them to see us together.”
“That’s not how it was at all.”
“Well, please explain. Because I’ve never set out to be a homewrecker and the fact that I had my hands all over another man’s woman sits on my conscience every damn hour.”
Her cheeks flamed with color, and my attention dropped to her fists as they discreetly balled at her sides. She ground out the words. “I don’t have to explain myself to you, Jesse. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
I huffed. “Is that what you’re gonna say to your husband when one of the cowboys lets the truth slip? They’ve barely kept it quiet. The fact that Bea hasn’t already heard the truth and alerted him is a miracle.”
She shook her head vehemently. “Bea wouldn’t do that.”
“Hell, I would!” I lifted my hat and dragged my fingers through my hair. “And if someone caught me cheating on Laurel I’d want them to rat me out. I would deserve it.”
I should shut up. I wanted to, I did. But my heart spewed pain, and for some reason, I was thinking about Laurel.
About all the things I’d never have with her.
Or Hollie. Or any other woman for that matter.
My throat fought down hot, tight emotions, confusing me.
I missed my wife, and I missed Hollie, too.
Or maybe I just missed having a companion.
I blinked repeatedly, wanting to take back everything I’d said thus far.
Finally, something real peaked through her expression—her dam springing a leak.
Her brow furrowed with anger and hurt. And even though I wanted her to hurt two seconds ago, the welling tears in her eyes touched my chest like a hot iron.
Her lip trembled. “You better listen because I’m only going to say this once. ”
I gave her my full attention, my jaw clenched.
“I really got divorced in October, okay?”
A cinderblock of dread hit my stomach.
“My family doesn’t know because I haven’t told them yet.
I’m so humiliated that I don’t know how to break the news.
But I haven’t lied to anyone.” She swiped her face with the back of her hand.
“I’m only here to help my little sister, and maybe finally have a relationship with her that isn’t centered around family holidays.
So if you’re trying to hurt me, you can’t. I don’t care what you think.”
She pulled forward toward her girls, readying to grab them and hightail it.
I dragged a hand over my face. “Hollie.”
She held up a stop sign as she passed me. “Save it, Jesse.”
“I—”
“Seriously, it doesn't matter.” She walked the rest of the way to her girls, offering them a motherly smile. “Come on girls, we have to start dinner.”
When she passed me again, she didn’t look up, red blotches forming on her temples and cheeks as she choked back her tears. I swallowed the lump in my throat, not sure how I’d fix my mistake.