Chapter 23 #2
He sighed. “I should probably require him to do things on his own now and then, but I almost feel like our anxieties are one and the same. If he’s worried something bad is going to happen, usually I am too. So, it’s easier to just…stick together.”
Silence fell around us as I mulled that over. “I think you’ll know when both of you are ready for more space. You won’t need to push too hard.” I lifted my tone. “But, if you want him to hang out with me a few more times this summer, just let me know. He’s delightful.”
That made Jesse smile. “I don’t know how I ended up with such a fantastic kid.”
I knew how but refrained from commenting.
“Your girls are pretty fantastic, too.”
I smiled. “Thank you. They are certainly bundles of personality.”
His tone softened, quietly curious. “Do they ever get to see their dad?”
I took a breath through my nose, careful to keep it controlled. For a moment, I considered how to answer. The truth was humiliating in every way, and I wasn’t sure how raw he wanted me to be. And bad-mouthing Garrett still felt so weird. Like the worst kind of betrayal.
I must’ve considered his question too long, because Jesse spoke up again. “I’m sorry if that was personal, Hollie.”
“No, Jesse, you’re fine. It’s a fair question. I was just considering how to answer.”
He waited.
“They haven’t talked to him since April.
” My hands clasped in my lap, my thumbnail getting straight to work.
“Our agreement says he’s supposed to get them every other weekend.
But he just…doesn’t. Doesn’t pick up my calls, doesn’t Facetime the girls like he promised, doesn’t even respond to texts.
The only reason I know he’s alive is because I get the company’s newsletter, and if he died they would definitely—” I stopped abruptly. “Sorry.”
“Don’t say sorry. I asked.”
I shrugged, heat lifting into my cheeks.
“Do they miss him?”
“So much. It…it makes me very angry.”
“You don’t sound angry. You sound heartbroken.”
I barked a laugh even though the situation wasn’t funny at all. “I can’t be angry all the time. Been there, done that. Anger drains too much energy.”
“So does heartbreak.”
“True.” I shook my head, dragging my thumb across the top of my nail.
“I’m heartbroken for my daughters. They might spend their whole life wondering why he didn’t love them.
And…” A sudden lump rose to my throat. When I tried to push it down, it rose higher.
My brow twisted. “I never want…” My voice cracked, the emotions having their way with my voice.
I turned my face away and whispered, “Sorry.”
“It’s okay, Hollie.”
I waved my hand in a circle. “I haven’t talked about it much. It’s hard.”
“You can keep talking or stop. Up to you.”
I nodded, taking a slow deep breath and blinking repeatedly. Sniffing, I said, “I told Bea a lot of this last week. But most of my family doesn’t even know I got divorced, so I’m not used to being…open.”
“Look at you practicing.” He tapped my knee with the back of his hand, his voice gentle and encouraging. “You even have a willing victim.”
My brow furrowed as I tried to remember why his words sounded familiar. Then I recalled our conversation in the emergency room. While we waited with Cade, he had said, “Facing the hard things takes practice.”
I smiled then. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
Jesse dove right back in. “Does he help you out at all?”
“Like, financially?”
“With anything.”
“He’s supposed to but doesn’t. I homeschool—”
“No way.” He looked impressed.
“Yep. I don’t want to stop either, but I have to get a job at some point, I guess. And I’m running out of time to enroll them somewhere. But, I figured I’d spend my free time here filling out job applications and finding a school to enroll the girls in.”
He hummed in understanding. “Why homeschooling?”
“Well, by the time Nora was born, I realized my girls were the only people I had in the world. And I wanted to keep them close.” I lifted a shoulder.
“Plus, it was the only desire I didn’t have to fight Garrett on.
He wouldn’t let me have a career or even a volunteer position for that matter, but he loved the idea of me homeschooling. ”
“Why is that?”
A laugh came from my throat, but I wasn’t sure why. “Probably because Garrett likes his women dependent.”
Jesse grimaced. “Women?”
I hadn’t even realized I’d used the plural. Heat bloomed into my cheeks and my gaze cut to the grass below my feet. “Uh, yeah. He’s a buffet kind of guy.” My forced smile faltered.
“I’m sorry, Hollie.” His voice was quiet. “That must’ve been incredibly painful.”
The acknowledgement sent tears straight to my eyes. My exhale shuddered. “A little.”
“Is that why you got divorced? He cheated?”
“Not really.” I couldn’t lift my eyes as shame crawled up my neck.
I focused on the pain in my stinging fingernails instead of the pain in my words.
“He filed. After all we went through together, he found someone else. And she must be pretty great because he finally pulled the plug on his Christmas-card family.” I shook my head with a huff.
“Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Because, knowing me, I probably would’ve stayed forever.
Because I’m a”—I laughed again and instantly wished I hadn’t—“coward, apparently.” Plastering on a brave face, I tried for levity. “How’s that for practice?”
Instead of responding, Jesse reached over and tugged my left hand into his lap.
Wordlessly, he wrapped his untouched napkin around my index finger and gently squeezed my cuticle.
I hissed a sharp breath of pain, mortified I hadn’t realized I was bleeding.
I swiped the tips of my right-hand fingers over my shorts, hoping there wasn’t blood all over me.
A deep tremble in my core sent a shudder through my body as I fought away all the sour memories of Garrett.
Finally, Jesse said, “You’re doing great, Hollie.”
“Then why do I feel guilty?” I admitted.
“About what?” His gaze lifted from my hand to my face.
“Telling the truth about him, I guess.” I shrugged. “I protected us for so long that it feels unkind or something.”
He slowly unwrapped my finger and folded the napkin to a clean spot then wrapped my middle finger next.
“The truth spoken in love is the kindest gift you can give yourself and your girls. It might feel like exposing him unnecessarily, but no one can thrive with a closet full of secrets. We all need the light. Even Garrett.”
I nodded, a few tears slipping down my cheeks. “I know you’re right.”
“Thanks for telling me.” He touched my cheek with his knuckle and offered me a sad smile.
Immediately, my heart thumped in my chest. I tugged my hand away and he let go, the napkin unraveling from its coil.
I pulled it off, dabbing it across the tops of my fingers.
Why was Jesse so easy to talk to? I wracked my brain for the answer—maybe it was because he set the tone for us in the emergency room that day.
Or maybe his aura just encouraged over-sharing and made people feel safe.
Or maybe the reality of his brokenness made me feel less afraid of mine.
Whatever it was, I felt it. A magnetic-like pull toward him. An urge to pour a cup of coffee and sit with him on the porch swing. A growing belief that I could thrive despite my past one day.
Mercifully, Jesse changed the topic. “I heard from Tag this evening.”
I perked up, swiping my cheeks. “Really?” Aside from a few texts here and there, we hadn’t gotten frequent updates. I assumed that meant Cooper’s condition hadn’t changed.
“The antibiotics are clearing up his infection.”
I laid a hand over my heart. “Thank goodness.”
“But he’s not out of the woods yet.”
“How is Bea?”
“She’s puking her guts up. But Tag said all the nurses on the floor know she’s pregnant and are going out of their way to help wherever they can. She’s in good hands.”
“I’ll text her again to see if they need anything.”
After a moment of silence, Jesse sat back and rapped his abs. “Man, Hollie. That was good food. I should’ve waited to eat it because I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back to work after all that.”
“You have more to do? It’s so late.”
“Unfortunately.”
I scanned the arena fence. “What were you working on?”
“Our chute’s release. The fitting is broken and I can't get a new one back on. We’re training tomorrow so I need to figure it out.”
“Training?”
He shifted down then tossed his leg over the bench, now facing me and straddling the metal. “We gotta keep the broncs that haven’t been on the circuit in shape and train the new ones.”
“Who rides them?”
“A box dummy.” He flashed me a smile. “You should come watch. It’s really fun.”
“You don’t get up there?”
He laughed. “Nope. I’m too old.”
“Thirty-five is not old.”
He casted me a sideways glance, a smile toying at his lips. “Wait. How did you know I was thirty-five?”
I froze. How did I know that? Then I remembered my sisters getting ready for Bea’s wedding, talking about Jesse like he was the prime rib special on a menu. I had to stifle a laugh. “Bea mentioned it because my youngest sister has the hots for you.”
Jesse laughed again, the sound full and hardy. “Estelle? Isn’t she like seventeen?”
“Eighteen. Hence the age conversation.”
“Yeah, that’s a little much. I’d prefer someone my age.”
“I’ll be thirty-two on Christmas day.” Before the words were even out of my mouth, heat pricked at my neck. Why did I volunteer that information right then? Essentially, I’d said, “I’m your age, Jesse! Pick me.” I wanted to slip under the bleachers and shove my foot into my mouth.
But he stole away the awkward. “Really? I was a New Year’s Eve baby.”
“That’s so funny we both have a holiday birthday.”
“Is that why your parents named you Hollie?”
I cackled. “I’ve asked them that. But they just said they thought it was pretty. My dad calls me Jolly-girl though.”
“What’s your middle name?”
“Lynette.”
He softly repeated it. “Hollie Lynette.”
My name on his lips sent chills down my arms.
“What’s your last name?”
I tsked. “Do you always ask this many questions?”
He frowned, considering that. “In general, yes. I’m nosy.”
I giggled. “Alright, fine. It’s Aldridge. Now, you have to tell me yours.”
“Jesse Alan Holmes.”
“That’s a strong name.”
He shrugged. “It’s worked fine all these years.”
In the silence that followed, I bit down on my lip as a lame attempt to stop beaming. Every time we talked, I worried about where the conversation might turn, but it always ended great—on a high I could only describe as euphoria. Or a stress release. I was thoroughly hooked on the dopamine hit.
Even though his eyes were shadowed, I could feel his attention. I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. “Well, thanks for letting me practice on you.”
“Anytime.”
I stood from the bench. “I hope you’ll be able to head to bed soon.”
“I will. I’m almost done.” He stood too.
“Next time, I’ll drop a plate at the cabin for you.”
As we turned back toward the arena, I got a good view of his smile in the yellow light. “Or…” He held out the word. “You could bring it out to me again.”
“You prefer eating in the dark, late at night?”
“No, but I do like talking with you.”
My pulse jumped as I flicked my nail over my cuticles again then caught myself. “I enjoyed talking with you, too.”
“Here, I’ll walk you back.”
The fact Jesse wanted to spend time with me made me so happy I could cry, but it also made me feel like a fraud. I should tell him right here and now that I was a trainwreck.
Nothing he should ever want.
After years of endless trying, I’d learned my best would never be good enough. My thoughts would never be faultless. My heart would never be pure. My intent would always be malicious. My dreams self-centered. My hopes misplaced. My effort overlooked. My fears pathetic.
I wished I could just be without having to hold my breath.
At the front steps of the big house, Jesse stopped. I climbed the first few then turned to look down at him. “Be careful out there.”
“I will. Thank you again. So much.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Tomorrow?”
I didn’t let my full smile free. “We’ll see.”
He smiled, lifting his left hand in a fingers-crossed sign.
“Good night, Jesse.”
“Sleep well, Hollie.” He tipped his hat then disappeared across the barnyard.