Chapter 30
THIRTY
Hollie
The sun beat down on my neck as I leaned against the arena fence, watching the girls from a distance. Sweet Cade had politely asked me at breakfast if we’d like to come out and ride the horses this afternoon. Now that Tag was back from Austin, Jesse had the time.
Izzy and Nora, high up on the horses, were dressed in matching teal and denim with twin braids beneath their red helmets. Each of them wore ear-to-ear smiles and talked a mile a minute. I was trying my best to stay enthusiastic, but sorrow weighed me down.
It had been days since Jesse bandaged my fingers in the barn, but we hadn’t talked since. We crossed paths at meal times, but he didn’t talk to me. He thanked me for the meal, and that was it.
I should’ve been relieved that he respected my request not to seek me out.
But, now, loneliness nipped at my heels.
I’d essentially pushed Jesse away in order to give myself more emotional space to process everything going on with Garrett.
And in hindsight, I regretted it. Jesse felt like the light at Meadowbrook.
It was in everyone’s best interest that Jesse and I not get too involved… but…
What about happiness? Specifically, my happiness?
My thoughts swarmed in my head, nauseating in their repetitiveness. Whatever infatuation Jesse and I had could never have the space or time to bloom, could it? Because at the end of my stay, whether I liked it or not, I had to go back.
I tried not to stare at Jesse as he led Nora’s horse around the arena with a rope. Nora was talking his ear off as he walked beside her, nodding and making conversation. Why did he have to be so kind? His good-guy aura was like a magnet, pulling every soul toward him.
“Alright.” Jesse pulled Nora and her horse to a stop and Cade followed suit with Izzy. “You girls ready to do it on your own?”
He launched into an explanation of how to hold the reins, to steer the horse around, and get it to stop and go. Handing Nora her reins, he said, “Go ahead. Give Moonshine a little squeeze with your heels. He’s pretty lazy so you gotta stick the heel of your shoe into him.”
Nora stroked Moonshine’s mane. “But I don’t want to hurt poor Moony.”
Cade and Izzy snickered at the horse’s new nickname.
Jesse chuckled too. “Nah. I promise you won’t hurt Moony. He’s tough.”
Nora gave it a try, squeezing her heels into Moonshine and he rewarded her by lazily pulling forward. She wriggled with happiness.
Jesse reminded, “Lead him with the reins.”
A few minutes later, my girls were riding their horses all around the ring, Jesse standing in the middle, coaching. His eyes, shaded by his cowboy hat, lifted to where I stood. He waved me closer.
I frowned, wanting to keep my distance. My emotions were a house of freaking cards right now, and had been for days. Hanging onto the fence was safer.
But he waved more enthusiastically until I caved. Once I made my way over, he smiled. “You ready?”
“For what?”
“Your turn.”
My mouth fell open in surprise. “No, Jesse. I—I don’t know if I want to ride.”
“Why not?”
I shrugged, not sure how I would admit I couldn’t muster up the strength to try something new. “I’m just tired, I guess.”
Izzy pulled up beside us. “Mom! You gotta try this!”
“I don’t know if I want to, Izz.”
“You’re going to come all the way to a horse ranch in Texas and not ride a horse?” Izzy rolled her eyes like that was the craziest thing she’d ever heard. “Are you scared?”
“No.” I shook my head, waving her off. “Not scared.”
Izzy deadpanned. “You’re scared.”
Was I afraid?
The way my heart pounded in my chest answered my question. But I wasn’t afraid of the horses. I was afraid of looking foolish. Of having to laugh off mistakes when I was already on the verge of tears.
Nora stopped near us, and both of my daughters piled on the pressure until I said, “Okay! Fine!”
Ten minutes later, I stood beside Jesse and Sprinkles—Bea’s horse—watching as he demonstrated how to put my foot in the stirrup and put my weight on the ball of my foot.
Following his instructions, I grabbed the horn of the saddle and lifted my toe into the stirrup.
Jesse’s hand came to the back of my calf muscle, holding me steady. “Now as you stand on this toe”—he gave my calf a gentle squeeze—“throw your other leg over.”
Before I’d even begun, my toe tipped toward the sky and my heel slipped out of the stirrup, thudding to the ground.
Jesse encouraged, “You’re good. Most first timers do the exact same thing.”
He walked me through the steps: grab the horn and the back of the saddle, toe in the stirrup, weight on the ball of your foot, and stand. I tried again.
And again.
On the tenth attempt, heat pricked my cheek. “I—I don’t think I can get up there.”
“Here. Let me show you.” He put his foot in and pulled.
“You’re losing your momentum right here.
” He stopped before he was standing up in the stirrup to show how I wasn’t fully extending my leg or leaning forward over Sprinkles.
I tried to listen and take mental notes, but embarrassment crowded my ability to follow along.
On my next go, I immediately put my hands in the wrong spot—both around the horn.
He gently corrected me. “ One on the back of the saddle.”
“Oh. Right.” I shook my head, flustered that I’d already made a mistake. My mouth felt dry, my grip on the saddle weak. I swallowed hard, trying to drown out the voices in my head.
I pulled, the tension in my muscles offsetting the sting in my eyes.
My sweaty hand slipped off the horn, causing me to stumble into Sprinkles’ flank.
I took a step back, my frustration at its boiling point.
I would not let Jesse see me cry over something like this.
“I feel so silly that I can’t get this.”
“Why do you feel silly?”
Painfully aware of his presence, I looked away from him. “Because it’s easy, but I can’t do it.”
“It’s not easy. It takes practice.”
“I am not good at new things.”
“No one is automatically good at new things.”
“But especially me. I am—” My voice choked off.
I shook my head. I looked so childish, crying over mounting a horse.
Really, I just missed Jesse. And I missed Garrett for some stupid reason.
And I hated that my life hadn’t given me a man that loved me.
I wanted a good cry and a long hot bath.
And now that I thought about it, my stomach kind of hurt.
I bit down on my lip to still its tremble.
Jesse’s hand gently came to my shoulder. “Hey.”
I took a deep breath, willing myself to pull it together.
“Look at me, Hollie.” He slowly turned my shoulder to face him. “I’m going to ask you something and you need to be honest with me.”
“Okay.” I croaked.
“Do you want to ride? You don’t have to.”
I hesitated. “Sorry, Jesse. I’m being really immature. But I do want to.”
“You don’t have a single thing to say sorry for. Let’s pause for a second, and you let me know when you’re ready to try again.”
I gave his shoulders and arms a once over. “You look strong. Can’t you just toss me up there?”
He snorted. “Yes. I can. And if it comes down to that, I will. But, I don’t think the payoff will be nearly as good. What are you telling yourself?”
I frowned in confusion.
“I mean, what are you telling yourself about yourself as you try?”
I blinked, wondering if he’d somehow heard my negative thoughts. “You don’t want to know.”
“Try it. Saying the quiet things out loud takes their power away.”
My tears gathered with more ferocity. “Okay,” my voice wobbled as I reached out to pet Sprinkles.
Her brown speckled fur brushing the palm of my hand instantly comforted me.
“Um, I was thinking that this is a—bad day. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it, and that when I failed, I would cry and embarrass myself.
” I gave a soft laugh as I realized that was exactly what had happened.
His voice was soft. “Man, no wonder you couldn’t get up there.”
I swiped my left hand down Sprinkles’ neck, thankful to have something to focus on besides Jesse.
“Part of learning something new is believing you can. I believe you can, Hollie. You’re gonna tell yourself something different, alright?” He took a deep breath. “Repeat after me.”
I shot him a sideways glance, confused as to where this was going.
“My name is Hollie Lynette.”
“Uhm…”
“Come on. Say it.”
I shifted my feet in the dirt, immediately uncomfortable. “My name is Hollie Lynette?”
“I am a badass.”
I huffed, my vision going blurry. “Jesse, I’m not going to—”
He grabbed my left hand, pulling it out of my right. “No, no, no. Don’t do that to yourself.”
I must’ve been picking my cuticles. I hadn’t even noticed.
Heat rose up my neck as the belated stinging sensation called my attention. I glanced at the girls, happy to see them riding and not paying attention to their mom’s miniature breakdown.
Standing behind me, Jesse gripped my fingers, keeping them safe. His thumb drew a circle on the top of my hand as his voice fell like a low purr over my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I choked out.
He thought for a moment. “What are you most worried about?”
“That—you’ll think I’m nothing.”
A soft breath wooshed from his lungs, moving the hair on the back of my neck.
His right hand landed on my hip with feather-light weight.
The temptation to grab both of his hands and lace them around me, forcing him to hold me, coursed through my veins.
He had no idea how wonderfully comforting he was.
“I can assure you, Hollie. I will never, ever think that. But what’s important right now isn’t what I think. It’s what you think.”
His right thumb gently swept over my hip, and my eyelids fluttered as butterflies stormed my torso. Swallowing down my feelings, I stammered, “I—I want to try again.”
“Atta girl.” He squeezed my hand tighter. “Repeat after me.”
I drew a deep breath, summoning scant belief from the tips of my toes.
“My name is Hollie Lynette.”
“My name is Hollie Lynette.”
“I prove how capable I am every single day…”
I forced the words out around the lump in my throat.
“By raising kind and loving daughters all by myself.”
My voice echoed his, every syllable wobbling with emotion.
I repeated him phrase after phrase as he poured plain truth over my aching soul. “I have everything I need to do anything I want. I don’t have anything to prove. But I’m going to try again and succeed because I deserve giving myself my best. And I’m worth the time it takes to learn.”
Tears streaked down my face. Oh, I was so hungry to believe those things.
Jesse removed his hand from my hip, brushing my cheek with the top of his knuckle. “I’m gorgeous and smart and strong.”
I shook my head, “Jesse—”
“Say it. We’re almost done.”
“I’m gorgeous…and smart…and strong.”
“And now, I’m going to mount this horse like Annie Oakley.”
A laugh gurgled from my throat as I said the words, tension rolling off of my shoulders. Jesse tugged my hand toward the saddle, settling in on the horn. I instantly missed the warmth of him when he backed away.
I grit my teeth. I could do this.
It took me five more tries.
On the fifth attempt, when I pulled, my leg soared through the air and clapped down on the other side. The saddle creaked under my sudden weight as I squealed with excitement. “I did it! I did it!”
Sprinkles mistook my enthusiasm as a signal, jolting forward.
“Whoa! Easy.” Jesse launched after the reins, holding her still.
“I can’t believe I did it!”
After he walked me through the basics of leading Sprinkles, he mounted Praline and fell into step beside me. The horses’ hooves clopped against the ground, occasionally swaying closer to each other and making our legs brush.
I looked over at him. “Can I make a silly request?”
“I bet it’s not silly, but go ahead.”
“Can you take a picture of me?”
His eyes quickly took me in—head to toe—before glancing away. “A picture is a great idea.” He reached down into his thigh pocket and fished out his phone. “I can take it on mine.” He directed Praline a few paces away and lifted the phone. I cheesed even as heat rose in my cheeks.
When he pulled up beside Sprinkles again, he passed the phone to me so I could see. We peered at the picture together.
My face radiated joy.
I giggled. “All I need is a cowgirl hat and I really would be Annie Oakley.”
Before I could even meet his gaze again, a warm hat plopped on my head, impairing my vision. I laughed. When I pushed the hat off my eyes, my heart rolled in my chest. His hair was matted and sweaty, but he looked…proud of me.
Not for doing things perfect.
But for doing them messy.
“We definitely need to retake the picture.”
I handed him the phone. “Yeah, retake it.”