Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
Hollie
He shivered uncontrollably, but his eyes were open.
I’d been singing to him, too. I wasn’t much of a singer, but Cade didn’t seem to mind.
When I finished the parts I knew of the song he requested, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, a weak smile pulled into his cheeks. His voice croaked, “That was Mama’s favorite song.”
My heart warmed. “Really?”
He nodded, his eyes hazy and his auburn hair mussed.
“It must make you think of her.”
He nodded again. “She had a pretty voice.”
“Why was that her favorite?”
“She liked colors.” His brow knitted like he’d never considered it much. “And rainbows come after rain.”
“That’s true. They do.” I dipped the hot cloth back in the ice water. “Did your mom like rain, too?”
“No one likes rain. But everyone likes rainbows. And…” He coughed several times, unable to continue talking.
“Shhhhh.” I reached forward to help him drink some more juice through a straw and then he laid back on the pillow again, eyes firmly closed.
I sang the song for him one more time then rolled the sheet and a light blanket up over his body.
I swiped the thermometer over his forehead. 101.4. I could live with that.
Leaning down, I kissed his sweet forehead, surprised by the strength of my love for this child. Certain he fell asleep, I backed out of his room into the dimly lit hallway and gently clicked the door shut behind me. Then I turned and collided with Jesse’s bare chest.
I gasped, slapping a hand over my lips and his hands captured my elbows. “I’m so sorry!”
Then I realized he was in a towel. And his skin glistened with rain?
Or sweat? Whatever it was, I couldn’t lift my eyes past his collarbone.
For a long moment—too long a moment—I let myself soak him in.
The shallow ridges along his torso, his bulging arms, his broad shoulders, the way that towel clung to his hips for dear life.
Goodness, did I have a fever, too?
Summoning manners from the soles of my feet, I dragged my eyes to his face to find tears streaking down his cheeks.
My mouth fell open. “You’re crying! Are you okay?”
His hands, still on my elbows, squeezed and pulled me a little closer. Heat radiated from his body as he leaned down to look me in the eye. “Her song,” his voice scraped. “You were singing her song.”
My shoulders dropped. “Cade asked me to. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—”
Jesse laid a warm finger over my lips. “Don’t.” He drew a ragged breath. “That was the most beautiful sound…this cabin has ever heard.”
Relief hit my chest like an arrow. Thank goodness.
Another rivulet of tears raced down his cheek. When I reached to dry them with my thumb, I gasped again. His skin was on fire.
“Jesse, you’re burning up.”
He shook his head. “I asked her for a rainbow…and you sang her song.”
I frowned, unable to follow. Clearly, he was sick. Was he talking out of his head? “We need to get you in bed.”
“Are you…gonna be there?”
I shouldn’t take him seriously right now. “Stop. You—”
My words were cut off by a hug so tight the air crushed out of my lungs. Jesse enfolded me into his chest, instantly burying his face in my neck. His hands gripped my hips so tightly it hurt. He said something—a word repeated several times, muffled into the top of my shoulder.
“Laurel.”
Wait. Did he think I was Laurel?
The way my shoulders fell didn’t make sense.
I chided myself for the flame of jealousy that reared up in my heart.
Of course he missed his wife. He probably thought about her all the time.
It didn’t matter anyway. I needed to keep the main thing the main thing; Jesse needed my help because he was definitely not okay.
“Thank you, Hollie,” he whispered.
Pushing away my confusion, I grabbed his forearms and wrenched them off of me. “Shower. Now.” Holding his hand, I pulled him to the bathroom and cranked the water to a mild temperature that wouldn’t make his fever worse.
He stepped up to the flow, temp tested it, then turned the hot knob full throttle.
I rolled my eyes. “If I hear anything that sounds remotely like a fall, I’m barging in here.”
His exhausted gaze found my eyes, his expression as sober as a judge. “I’ll make sure I fall then.”
I exploded in laughter, hanging onto the doorknob. Was this how Jesse acted when he was sick? Good grief, he was a mess. “Okay. You do that.”
Before I’d even fully shut the door, he let the towel fall and reached for the band of his underwear, beginning the strip right before the latch snapped shut.
Wide-eyed, with a bank full of new core memories, I hurried to his dresser and rummaged up some sweats, a hoodie, and underwear and dropped those and a new towel on the bathroom sink for him.
While he finished up, I prepped medicine and hydration on Jesse’s nightstand.
Luckily, there were no shower incidents and Jesse stepped out of the bathroom clean and fully clothed—quivering head to toe.
He all but dove between the covers, his teeth chattering as he pawed the covers up to his chin.
I sat on the edge of the bed and made him take some Tylenol and drink half a glass of water with electrolytes before lying back down.
I swiped his damp hair away from his forehead, marveling at the way his brown eyelashes brushed the top of his cheeks.
He was so handsome. But more than that, I knew his heart.
And, somehow, who he was inside made the way he looked all the dearer.
He could’ve had a completely different face and been just as attractive to me.
I gripped his hand resting on top of the covers.
“I’ll be in the living room if you need me. ”
He squeezed, halting my retreat. “Stay.”
“I’m not leaving you. I promise.”
His hand scorched a trail of fire as it slid to my elbow and tugged me down to his level. Fumbling with the top of the covers, he pulled them back and patted the mattress, making his invitation very clear.
He wanted me to lay down.
My chest grew tight as heat gathered low in my belly. I shouldn’t lay in his bed. My heart was in enough danger already.
But his weary voice dissolved my reservations. “Please, Hollie.”
Just for a minute.
Slowly, I eased down and one side of his mouth twitched with a fleeting smile.
When my head hit his pillow, his scent wrapped around me and his right arm fused to my chest like a seat belt—fist at my chin and elbow against my ribcage.
Was he aware at all? Did he realize his forearm was squished between my breasts?
His knees behind mine, his chest on my back, his nose in my hair.
I couldn’t breathe. I was frozen in his arms—terrified to enjoy this too much.
Terrified I might get used to being held like this.
Why did he have to live in Texas?
Texas.
I wanted to weep. He was so precious. He deserved the world—everything.
And I hoped one day he would find it. He deserved more than the second-hand, strings-attached heart I could give him.
Maybe he didn’t realize that. But, eventually he would.
Hypothetically, if we did pursue something—long distance for now—he’d learn I had baggage hanging on every hook in my body.
My insecurities and hurts weren’t background noise.
They were loud, sometimes an angry mob of voices in my head.
I couldn’t give that to Jesse and Cade, no matter how much I wanted to.
Jesse’s question that he asked me in the kitchen this morning reverberated through my memory.
“Could you come back?”
Could I? If Garrett kept skipping his time with the girls and not paying child support, I could go to court to modify our custody arrangements.
If Garrett continued down this path, I could make a case that he abandoned us.
But surely it wouldn’t come to that. Surely this was just a lapse in Garrett’s judgment.
Surely he hadn’t turned his back on us forever.
Even if I did get full custody, would I ever get to a place where I could let go of Garrett forever? Just take the girls and start a new life? I didn’t know. I didn’t think I was brave enough.
I sighed against the deep pain in my chest, silently wiping my tears on the pillowcase. I wanted to do what Jesse said. To make something beautiful in all this darkness, but I didn’t know how.
Jesse mumbled something into my hair.
“What?” I whispered.
“You have such…a pretty voice.”
I smiled through my tears. “Thank you.”
“Prettier than Bea’s.”
I chuckled, the statement confirming his delirium. “Pretty voice” was generous for me. I could hold a tune but I was pitchy. I snuggled deeper into his spoon, confident he’d have no recollection of this tomorrow morning.
“Cade…loves you, you know.” I went very still as his fist opened to touch the side of my cheek and his thumb swiped my chin. “Laurel loves you.” His breaths came heavy like he might be in pain. “And I think…I might love you, too.”
His lips pressed a weak kiss to the back of my head as his whispers fell to an inaudible murmur.
“Go to sleep, Jesse.”
And, thank goodness, he did.
Sunday morning, I poured a cup of coffee, weary down to my bones.
I picked up my phone, scrolling through the messages that came last night after I’d fallen asleep.
Mom arrived at the ranch while we were sleeping, prepared to take over the kitchen duties so I could drive back to Colorado today.
But the sting in my eyes and the way my surroundings blurred with exhaustion made me think I wouldn’t be traveling.
Which was good.
Because kissing Jesse on the forehead while he slept could hardly count as a proper goodbye.
Mom
Hi, honey. Let me know when you are up and I’ll bring a tray of breakfast down. How are you feeling?
Me
I’m up. Glad you made it safe, Mom. I’m tired from being up off and on the past few nights with the kids, but I’m okay.
In another thread, Bea texted.
Bea
Mayday. Mom’s asking questions.
I sighed, wondering how shacking up with Jesse might look to my mother, who thought I was still married to Garrett. Unless Bea told her what happened between us. Which I doubted she’d do that without talking to me first.
Me
Did you tell her we were quarantining until the flu passes? I’ll talk to her when I get out of here.
Bea
I did tell her that. She still thinks it’s weird you’ve been in there since Thursday.
Are you leaving today?
Me
No. I’m too tired to drive.
Bea
Good. I hated to think we lost our last few days with you. Have you and Jesse had fun?
Me
Yes I’ve had a blast watching him sleep
Bea
lol surely he hasn’t slept the whole time!
Me
Literally the whole time.
All of them had. Yesterday morning, Nora started moving around the house a little and ate some crackers and Cade’s fever went away and he watched a couple movies.
But those first two nights? They only slept.
I had to wake them all up for medicines and fluids so they didn’t dehydrate.
Maybe that was why I felt borderline sick myself.
I was absolutely exhausted from taking care of all these people.
A soft knock on the door pulled my attention away from my phone. I quickly padded through the living room, careful not to wake the girls on the couch. The late morning sun made my eyes water, and there, on the bottom step of the cabin porch was my mother.
“Hollie!” Her voice was breathless. “Oh my, honey, you look terrible.”
I gave a soft laugh, lingering near the doorway to protect her from our germs. Lifting my mug of coffee, I said, “This should help.”
“Are you well though? You don’t look well.”
“I think so.” But a twinge of pain in my throat made me wonder.
She motioned to the box she’d set on the porch.
One glance at it confirmed an abundance of warm food.
My mother, skilled in from-scratch cooking, was the perfect shoo-in for hospitality.
“I brought you guys some cinnamon rolls and some orange juice and sausage. And I stuck a jar of broth and some applesauce in there in case they aren’t ready for real food yet. ”
“This is perfect. Thank you so much.”
“Are you still leaving today?”
“There’s no way I can drive.”
She smiled, and I noticed the way her eyes crinkled in the corners. She was aging—quickly—and it’d been too long since I’d connected with her. Our relationship limped along, fractured and formal, for over thirteen years. Was it too late to fix it?
“Please call me if you need anything. And as soon as those babies feel better, send them out to see me so you can take a nap.”
“I will, Mom.” I leaned to pick up the box, surprised at the weakness in my limbs. I shifted, resting the box on my hip like a baby.
For a second, she hesitated. Our conversation seemed to end, but she didn’t want to go. She rubbed her hands together—a nervous habit she’d carried her entire life. “Well, I should let you rest.”
“Okay.”
She turned.
“Hey, Mom?”
She looked back, hopeful.
“Maybe…we could talk for a little bit before I go. Just you and me.”
Her lips trembled, but she pressed them into a smile. “I’d like that, Hollie.”