Chapter 42
FORTY-TWO
Hollie
The doors on the truck were left ajar, their beeping the only thing that grounded me to the earth as Jesse leaned down and captured my lips.
His mouth was hot and open, skipping anything remotely introductory.
I had dreamed of this man’s kiss every day for weeks.
So many times, I convinced myself that what we shared in the barn would never get a redo or a second chance.
That it was a kiss destined to haunt me until I was six feet under.
I never counted on this.
A frantic race to a rendezvous point.
Fully tasting him, my exhale came with a moan of relief. A deep groan vibrated in his chest as my hands skated up his shoulders and plowed through his hair. His tongue swept into my mouth, finding mine, as his palms skimmed my hips and traveled my bare back.
The sensation of his hands on me made my knees give out. And my whole body helplessly dropped a few inches.
Jesse’s grip tightened, lifting me back to my full height and pressing me against him. Genuinely dizzy, I clung to him as my source of gravity because I lost all sense of bearings, my equilibrium completely at his mercy. I already knew he could kiss. But, goodness, Jesse Holmes could kiss.
His hands explored every inch of skin on my back as my tongue danced beyond his lips.
He was fully open to me and responded to each of my demands like it was his job to satisfy.
Even at our best, Garrett had never kissed me like this.
Never treated me like I was the only person on planet earth that could help him.
But Jesse touched me like I was it for him.
Me.
How? I didn’t feel like I’d done anything to deserve him, but here I was, taking like he was all mine to take. For so many years, I’d been the giver, the one operating from a deficit while Garrett had his fill of anything he wanted at the drop of a hat.
But being with Jesse filled me up. He had never taxed me beyond my ability or asked me to give more than I was willing to give.
He had never forced me to operate out of fear.
Pouring my love into Jesse felt like pouring love back into myself.
I wasn’t sure how that worked, but, with him, I could give and take at the same time.
I could love and be loved. Want and be wanted. Fill and be filled.
Even though my future loomed before me like an unknown foe, we would last. We had to, because I wouldn’t function at full capacity without him. Jesse brought out the best in me. He had taken every part of my heart and elevated it somehow.
I love you. I wanted to say it outloud.
The times I’d questioned if love was what we really shared felt as distant as the twinkling stars. Of course this was love. What else could it be? People in a fling didn’t feel like this. There was no uncertainty, question, or danger in this kiss.
It was all answers. All safety. All knowing and known.
While our first kiss felt like fire, this kiss was home. I never wanted to be anywhere else.
Pulling his mouth away, he leaned down to drop his lips to my shoulder.
I arched into him as his hands gripped my ribcage and directed me toward the tailgate.
He mumbled something into the crook of my neck, stepping me backward until he could reach the handle.
The tailgate came down with a loud thud and he lifted me like I weighed nothing.
Jesse’s tendency to set me on things? I loved it.
Settling onto the tailgate, I wrapped my legs around him and we got lost for a long time. I forgot who I was as Jesse lavished toe-curling kisses on my lips, neck, and shoulders.
Kissing. A big umbrella, right?
I kept thinking the intensity would wane, but it never did. Our agreement to just kiss was a wise one for many, many reasons but pulling the brakes while racing downhill would be easier said than done. Rebellious, my fingers found the hem of his shirt, seeking skin.
“Hollie,” his voice was a desperate rasp over my ear. “I’m not strong enough.”
My chuckle was gasping, breathless. “Are you—suggesting I am?”
His lips grazed the tip of my ear, his breaths heavy and labored, then he set his forehead on mine. “I’ll take you right in the bed of this truck if we don’t slow down.”
A whine traveled up from my throat.
Did he have to make that sound so appealing?
I wanted to be with Jesse more than I wanted my next breath.
There was no doubt in my mind that he would be considerate and generous in physical intimacy.
And it had been so long since I’d been touched, that I was practically starving.
If he thought I was the stronger one in this matter, he was wrong.
My eyes rolled back as his kisses roamed my neck again, and I choked out, my fingers gripping the soft material of his polo shirt. “It’s been almost six years.”
He pulled away to look me in the eyes. “Since what?”
Over six years ago, Garrett found Kayleigh and he stopped needing me to fulfill all his fantasies. But I didn’t say that out loud. I didn’t want to talk about Garrett right now. So I said, “Since he lost interest in me.”
He frowned, disbelieving. “You mean he stopped sleeping with you?”
I nodded.
Deep lines etched into his forehead as his eyes softened with compassion. “It’s been that long?”
I nodded again, embarrassed but craving honesty.
He sighed, hanging his head until his lips brushed my forehead. His whisper softly murmured, “I’m so sorry.”
“For what?”
“That you’ve been hurt in every way.” His hand rubbed up and down my spine, slipping his fingers beneath straps to do so. “I wish I could fix it somehow.”
He already was. I blinked as that thought brought heat to my nose and eyes.
Jesse had become the catalyst in my healing, hadn’t he?
In four short weeks, the words he’d spoken over me had become the new framework for my soul.
Ultimately, he couldn’t fix all the pain, but he could hold space while I faced it, which was exactly what he’d been doing all along.
I squeezed him. “You already are. You’ve helped me in more ways than you will ever know.
So please don’t apologize.” I tugged against his strength, wanting his weight over me.
“All that to say, the truck bed sounds great.”
Jesse groaned even as he softly laughed. “Hollie.”
“I’m okay with it.”
He laid a finger over my lips, gently shushing me. “I know, but…I need to be the man I want my son to be. I’m teaching him to wait for his wife.” His throat pulled with a swallow as his eyes fluttered closed. “I can’t tell Cade to wait but have you the first chance I get.”
I nodded, dying inside.
“I should be waiting for my wife, too.”
My body pulsed with need as I denied my craving for him. I couldn’t fault Jesse for wanting to be a good dad, but damn, I wanted him. I had never wanted a man more than I did right now. The distance he put between us made me feel queasy.
He leaned over my ear, a smile tugging at his cheeks. “Plus, the first time I love you, it’ll be intentional.” He pressed a soft kiss to my temple. “Not like this in the bed of my work truck.”
Two words hit my brain with the force of a dam break.
First time.
Overcome, my eyes closed, and I whispered, my voice thready and weak, “Well, if you want to stop this freight train, we better get busy with something else.”
He chuckled, offering me his hand as I struggled off the tailgate and slipped to the ground. “Walk down with me to the river.”
Now that I’d kissed Jesse, I could actually focus on our surroundings. Beyond the grassy drive, rippling roots and large rocks lined the banks of the Guadalupe river. The water itself glistened in the sunshine, glowing green. When the soft rustling sound of water reached my ears, I smiled.
Jesse reached over, entangling his fingers with mine.
“When Cade was six, I needed to get off the ranch for a little while.” I lifted my dress with my free hand, stepping over a root that had jutted over the surface of the earth.
“I figured fishing would be a good activity for us that wouldn’t take too much of my energy because I was barely keeping my head above water those days.
So I drove up and down the river until I found this spot. ”
“I love it. It’s so quiet. Do you catch much here?”
“Just enough to justify trying.”
We came to the edge of the river and I dipped my toe, the leather of my sandal turning dark as the warm water soaked in. My paintless toe nails looked white as I plunged them into the flow. “You know, I don’t think the girls have ever been fishing.”
“Really? Bummer. We should’ve brought them out.”
I giggled at that. “I’m trying to imagine Nora being quiet enough for fishing.”
Jesse chuckled too. “When Cade gets talking, he can’t stop. I—” Laughter choked off his words. “This might be terrible. But I told Cade when he was little that the bass in this river have bionic hearing, so talking even one time would scare them all away.”
I barked a laugh at that. “Did it keep him quiet?”
“Surprisingly, yes. I love talking to him, but when he was little, I needed space where I didn’t have to parent too much, and I could just think and process.
Casting a line helped for some reason. Eventually, I was able to tell Cade that talking wasn’t allowed while we fished, so he had to zip it or stay home. ”
I smiled. “I love knowing this about you.”
He shrugged. “How did your conversation with the girls go, by the way?”
I moved my hand to Jesse’s arm, lightly gripping him for balance as I slipped off my sandals.
Gritty dirt pressed into the soles of my feet.
“Well, I didn’t tell Nora much. She’s so hurt right now, that this layer would only make everything more confusing.
I told her you wanted to take me to dinner and spend time with me before we left.
She said ‘ok’ and went back to playing. Izzy had a lot of questions, and we had a great conversation about the future, her dad, and us.
She was surprisingly onboard with everything.
” I looked up at him, marveling at the way the river illuminated the green in his eyes.
“I take it your conversation with Cade went well.”
He nodded. “It did. I’m not sure how he would’ve done staying behind if the girls weren’t at the ranch, but I’m not complaining. He’s made huge leaps in the last month.”
“They’ve connected so well.” I gathered up the hem of my dress and draped it over my arm as I stepped out onto a shallow shelf in the river. Jesse held my other hand, helping me keep my balance. I smiled, relishing in the way the water lifted above my ankles.
Jesse gave a soft breath, the sound infused with meaning and weight.
“What?” I asked.
His eyes flicked over the water, scanning upstream. “Any time I’ve been tempted to believe you and I were experiencing a lapse in judgment, I remember how well we all fit. Like we’ve been tailor made—all five of us.”
I rolled my lips together as a surge of emotion brought heat to my eyes. “We do.”
“But all of our children have been hurt by a parent disappearing. We need to be really careful how we go about this—for their sake.”
I squeezed his hand, thankful for his insight. “Nice and slow.”
He parroted me. “Nice and slow.” He suddenly looked to my feet. “How’s it feel?”
“Like bath water. Is this where we are swimming?”
“Yes. And dancing.”
My eyes went wide. “Oh my. That sounds very romantic.”
“Good. Romancing you was kind of the idea.”
Romancing me? My heart tumbled through my ribcage as hot desire raged in my belly. A smile I couldn’t stop split across my face.
“You want to eat then come back?”
“Maybe we could just get some takeout.”
His brows lifted. “And bring it back here?”
“Yeah. I like this spot.”
“And I like the way you think.” He jerked his head toward the truck. “Let’s go.”