Chapter Eleven
Sia
Leaving the coffee shop, my mind’s a whirlwind of confusion. I had fun with Zach today. I came in with full armor in place, but he broke that away in a matter of minutes. He tried bringing up our tryst on the couch, but when I changed the subject, he let it drop. He was respectful, charming, and gave me all of his attention. Now, he’s insisting on walking me home. I don’t need him to, but if I’m being fully honest with myself, I like that he’s a gentleman, that he wants to make sure I get home safely.
He walks me all the way to my door, and I go inside with barely a goodbye before shutting the door in his face. It’s rude, but if I don’t get away from him quickly, I’ll end up jumping the man, and I absolutely don’t want to do that. Okay, I don’t want to want that.
Zach was so dang charming, and hearing the stories of his childhood where his voice was filled with genuine warmth, it’s impossible not to feel something for him. The poor man lost his parents at a vulnerable age. He had me eating out of his hand at that. Yet, he didn’t use it to his advantage, didn’t play on my sympathies. He was pretty close to perfect today, not what I want.
I have to remind myself he’s still Zach Callahan, playboy extraordinaire. He walked away from me without a glance nine years ago, and he’ll do it again if I open the door and let him in. I lean against the door with my eyes closed as I listen to him walking away. A part of me wants him to come right back, rip open the door, pull me into his arms, and kiss me senseless. A part of me wants him to take the choice away from me so I don’t have to struggle about choosing. I want to be with him, knowing it’s a bad, bad, terrible idea. My heart’s hurting and I don’t want to acknowledge why.
When I open my eyes, Nikki’s leaning against the kitchen counter, a donut in her hand. She knows I need to talk, but she’s waiting for me to start the conversation. We know each other well enough to know we don’t always understand what’s wrong. Sometimes we have to process what we’re feeling or thinking before we can talk about it. That’s the difference in relationships versus friendships. Our friends know us inside and out. They usually know what we need before we know what we need. I’d never give up my friendships.
“You ready to talk yet?” she asks before taking another bite of her jelly-filled donut. I move over to her and take one from the box. I don’t need it as I had my fill of treats at the coffee shop, but I need sugar when my mind’s spinning. Sugar always helps. It’s a proven fact... at least in my honest opinion.
“Almost,” I tell her as I take a bite.
“You look like a ghost so the meeting went really well... or really bad. My guess is it went really well which scares the holy hell out of you.” She finishes her donut, takes a drink of her coffee, then reaches in for another donut. I’m not going to admit to how many boxes of donuts we go through in this house. We always have the boxed ones on hand, but at least two days a week we pick up fresh ones. We might have a problem, but it’s an issue neither one of us want help for. We’re sugar addicts and proud of it. We might have to change in future years, but so far, so good.
After finishing an entire donut and deciding to switch to iced tea, I pour myself a glass, then move to the couch and sit down. This might take a while.
“The meeting went really well. He was charming, open, shared things from his past, made me laugh, made me nearly cry when he brought up his parents, and all around made me feel too many emotions I don’t want to be feeling. I’m even more confused than before. I really like this guy even if I know I shouldn’t. It’s not a good idea.”
“Why is it bad to like him?” Nikki brings the bag of chocolate-covered donut holes with her to the couch, damn her. I reach in without a second thought and munch on one. I try to take multiple bites from one hole to save myself from eating half the bag. This might be a five-pound-weight-gain night by the time it’s finished.
“I’m so confused and questioning everything that happened between us nine years ago. I’m trying to remember exactly how it ended, trying to remember the entire relationship. When years go by we make up new memories. What’s real and what’s from my imagination? I’ve been mad at him for so long it makes it all the more confusing. Ugh, I wish he never would’ve come back into my life.” I throw up my hands before letting them down again and reaching into the bag to grab another donut. It’s better than drugs. Although some say sugar is far more addictive than drugs, so maybe it’s an unlisted drug. Nope. Not giving it up. It’s too heavenly.
“You’re going to have to give me more here. You’re kind of all over the place at the moment and I have no clue if I need to hate this man or root for the two of you to live happily ever after.”
She makes me smile. There’s nothing like a bestie to keep both of your feet on the ground. I give her a shrug as I grab another donut hole. We’re both equally confused at the moment, nothing new for us.
“Today he was charming, funny, and I guess sweet. It reminded me of our first meeting nine years ago when he swept me off my feet. I still see the playboy, but I also see the man beneath that fa?ade. It’s confusing as all get out. It makes me consider dating him, but I know that’s a terrible idea. He hurt me badly, worse than anyone else ever has, and I can’t go through that again. I didn’t understand my feelings well back then. I’m better now, and I’m not sure I can pick up the pieces as easily these days. I don’t want it to pull me down for months.”
Nikki considers my words for several long moments before she responds. I love this, love that she isn’t going to say what I want her to. “It’s complicated. I get that. But, you’ve grown a lot in the past nine years. Maybe he has too. Maybe he did something stupid back then, but now he wants to be a man of good character. Maybe he’s looking for more than a simple fling. There’s nothing wrong with a fling if that’s what both parties want, but I’m sure he’s well aware you aren’t the type of woman who goes into situations like that easily.”
“How would he know that? I was his fling. Maybe he thinks that’s what I want again. At the first kiss I was a goner and ended up naked with him on this couch.”
Another shudder goes through Nikki, and she looks at the couch with disgust once more. “Don’t remind me of that again. I think we need to burn this couch. Not tonight as I don’t want to get up, but I’ll never walk into this apartment again without a little shudder of disgust running through me. And, I don’t think that’s what he’s thinking at all. We all have weak moments, but those aren’t what define us. It’s our overall character that makes us who we are.”
I decide after a moment. It’s a shock I’ve never shared this with Nikki before. But I’ve been a bit embarrassed about it. I didn’t want her to know how hung up on one man I’ve been for nearly a decade now. It’s pathetic. We mock girls like that and yet I’m that girl. Ugh.
I look at my hands, not wanting to meet her gaze. “The thing about it is, though, that I haven’t gone all the way with any other man except for Zach. He was my first, and he’s been my last... with no one in between. It’s terrible.” I look up and see Nikki’s eyes widen in shock. “I’ve dated of course. I’ve made out. I’ve even made it to some bases, but I haven’t been able to make a home run if you know what I mean. I panicked each time hands went to the snap of my pants.”
“How have we never discussed this before?” Nikki asks. “You’ve stayed the night with guys before. I just assumed you did the deed. I guess I should’ve wondered why we didn’t talk about it when we literally talk about everything. This is a best friend fail on my part.”
I shrug, feeling embarrassed. I shouldn’t, not with Nikki. She’d never judge me, no matter what. She loves me just like I love her. This conversation should’ve happened a long time ago. It feels like a weight’s lifting off my chest.
“I guess I was holding back, comparing every man I was with to him, and they all came up short. I don’t know how to explain it, but I don’t take sex lightly. I don’t know what happened the other day with Zach. It’s like my brain stopped working the second he touched me. It was that way in Seaville, and it’s been that way since I saw him again. I hate that he makes me lose all semblance of control.”
Nikki nods, completely understanding. “There’s a saying about the first cut being the deepest. Maybe he affected you so much, no one else will ever do. That tells me you’re obligated to see where this goes. Maybe you’re drawn to him for a reason, maybe it’s simply unfinished business. It might work. It might not, but you’ll never be able to let him go unless you see this through.”
“It might crush me, though, and I’ll die an old woman with fifty cats in my house.”
“Well, I’ll be right there at your side. We’re a team. We both get happiness or neither of us does,” she says with a wide smile.
“We aren’t making a pact like that,” I tell her with a laugh, but I feel lighter. It’s the donuts and the conversation. Both are healing.
We sit back, continuing to eat donut holes while we start exchanging dating disaster stories, laughing at the absurdity of life. Dating should be amazing, but it’s a mess most of the time.
“The guy who asked for my number at the coffeehouse sent me a picture of his pet tarantula crawling on his hand. That was it for me. I told him goodbye and blocked his number. I won’t date a man who keeps rodents, reptiles, or spiders in the home. I’d never sleep,” I say with a shudder.
“Well, that might be worse than my date with the guy who spent the entire hour talking about his pet lizard. Seriously, he slept with it at times. How gross is that? I faked a stomach ache so I could leave, then totally ghosted him. I’m a bit ashamed, but I couldn’t look at him the same after that conversation.”
“Was it a cute lizard, at least?” I ask with another laugh as I take the last donut hole out of the bag and gobble it down, my stomach hurting. I don’t care, though, cause my heart feels better and that matters more than my gut at the moment.
“Oh, it was terrible. He even had a slideshow of pictures on his phone, and forced me to look at every single one, videos included. Don’t get me started on the lizard mansion he was building, and his plans on breeding and having a whole block of his home just for them.”
I choke on my drink as she says this. Then I grin. “I might be able to one-up you on that.”
“No way. You can’t beat the lizard king.” She sits back with a confident smile on her lips.
“Oh, I can,” I assure her. “On our first date, I show up, and his mom was with him.”
She looks at me in shock. “On your fist date?”
“Oh yes, the first date. He told me there’s no point in going on a second date if his mama didn’t approve. So I made sure to not use manners, slurp my soup, and keep my elbows on the table. The woman looked at me like I was an alien. Shockingly, he didn’t call me back.”
“Oh, that probably made you so sad,” she says sarcastically.
“Yeah... I was devastated. I even thought about asking him out on a second date just to horrify him, but then worried he might accept.” A shudder goes through me at the thought, while I giggle.
“I wouldn’t be as horrified if it was a nice Italian mother who cooked dinner. The food would be worth the awkwardness.” Nikki is now giggling.
“I might have to agree with you on that. But this mom kept calling the guy her sweet little bug and taking bites from his plate. I was wondering if he was on a date with me or his mother. I like a mama’s boy, but that was a little much for me.”
She laughs so hard she has to wipe tears from her eyes. “Okay, you win. That’s the worst date so far, worse than spiders and lizards by far. It would be so fun to purposely try to ruin dates. Maybe that’s what he was doing. Maybe he was writing a blog about how a woman would react to doing the craziest things ever on a first date.”
“Oh, that would be fun,” I tell her. “You could incorporate that into your food vlog. You could showcase the food and show everything to do wrong on a first date. I’d binge watch that for sure.”
“You’re making my wheels spin.” She reaches for her computer and opens up her Word document and makes some notes, which makes me laugh.
“Don’t you dare ask me to participate in this one.”
She gives me a long look. “Oh, you know in for a penny, in for a pound. You’ll certainly be recruited.”
I shake my head. “Nope, not doing it.” I’m afraid I will do it, though, if she really wants me to. The only negative of having a best friend is you end up doing things you don’t want to do far too often. I always have a good time though, so it never ends up being too bad. This though could have disaster written all over it.
“I did have another date with a guy who showed up forty minutes late. I was already two drinks and an appetizer down at that point. I figured he wouldn’t show so I was going to enjoy my meal. He looked put out that I’d dared to eat without him, and when he leaned down to kiss me on the cheek — gross — before he sat down, his cologne was so strong I started coughing. I told him it must be something I ate. He gave me a superior look like that’s what I got for being so rude as to eat without him being there. He never apologized for being late, as if he was such an important man that his time mattered more than mine. He was the only date where I excused myself to go to the bathroom, stepped to the hostess, paid my bill, then snuck out. He texted me later telling me what a fool I am, that he was a sought-after man. I blocked him. Luckily, I’ve never run into him again. There are some advantages to living in a huge city. That might be awkward.”
“I’ve had over-cologned men before. They make me sick to my stomach, and they seem so proud of their signature scent they think is all them, but five-hundred other men smell the same. I enjoy a good cologne in small doses. There really should be better instructions for men, saying one spritz is plenty. One man I went out with bathed in the stuff. I could taste it in my mouth while I was trying to enjoy my meal. Gross.”
We continue sharing stories, each one more ridiculous than the last. I hear about men performing magic tricks, mostly involving bad card shuffling and awkward hand movements. I tell her about the guy who spent the entire evening bragging about his high school football glory days and being the prom king. Neither of us have many good date stories. Maybe that’s why we haven’t been out in a while. We both avoid online dating. That leads to more disasters.
“What is wrong with men?” I finally ask. I’m stuffed and feeling happier than I was a few hours earlier. “They don’t even try to hide the crazy anymore. I miss the good old days when you didn’t discover how nuts a person was until you said I do. Now, it’s almost a competition to see who can stand out more in a sea filled with single fish.”
“Well, Zach doesn’t seem to be crazy,” Nikki points out. “If he’s even somewhat normal, you might need to take him for another ride.” She beams at me as she hands over a glass of wine. We’ve moved on from coffee and tea. Now, it’s time for the good stuff. I drink so little I’m a total lightweight.
We clink glasses and decide to watch a good chick flick. As much as we complain about dating, we’re both romantics at heart. We want the fantasy, we just aren’t sure how we become the heroines in our own Hallmark movie. That’s the dream.
As I get into my second glass of wine, the rest of my tension melts away. Being with Nikki is a balm to my soul, and watching a good rom-com is the cherry on top. I’m lucky to have the people I have in my life.
We watch one, then two, movies and go through two bottles of wine. I can barely keep my eyes open. I sleepily look at Nikki. “Maybe I’ll give it a shot with Zach, but not while I’m working for him. My career’s important to me. If he’s still pursuing me after we’re done remodeling, and I’m still all hot and bothered over him, I’ll seriously consider it. He really does make my body sing. I don’t mind that at all. I’m afraid no other man will be able to do it.”
Nikki nods, feeling a bit tipsy herself. “I think that’s smart. There’s a connection between you, and to be honest I enjoyed him at the club. He was funny, smart, and totally into you. I have to like anyone who thinks you’re as amazing as I do,” she tells me. “He might be worth the risk of heartbreak.”
I give her a smile, then a hug. “Maybe,” I say. I’m still not one-hundred-percent sure of it, but I have plenty of time to figure it out.
We go to bed, and as I lie there, I feel fine. I’ll focus on my job, and see what happens. Not every decision has to be made tonight. There’s plenty of time. If the man keeps pursuing me, then maybe, just maybe, he wants me, and he’s worth risking heartache over. I’ll figure it out. Like Nikki says, it doesn’t have to all be decided tonight. I finally fall asleep feeling at peace.