Chapter 6
After getting my arm untaped in Sports Med, I headed back behind the chutes to put away my gear.
There, I found Kaleb and Jaxon sitting on the ground by my stuff.
Both had been bucked off tonight. Kaleb had taken a hit from a bull, but he'd gotten off the dirt in one piece.
They were J.D.'s most loyal riders, but to see them there, by my stuff?
"What are you doing?" I asked, braced for the worst.
Jaxon looked up. "How bad was the score?"
I pushed out a breath made from both frustration and relief. "Seventy-one and change."
"Fuck," Kaleb breathed. "Did you deserve it?"
"Fuck no." I stepped between them to put my rope into the proper bag. "I mean, that ride should've been in the eighties. Nothing special, but nothing bad either."
"But why bother?" Jaxon said, making it sound like he was agreeing with me. "Yeah, makes sense."
"Shit bull?" Kaleb wanted to know.
I shrugged. "Middle of the pack."
Zipping my rope bag closed, I moved over for my main gear bag.
After unzipping that one, I kicked a leg forward and glanced behind me.
There was currently no one but us three back here, and this lump in my boot was getting annoying.
So, pulling up my jeans on the right side, I reached down and pulled out the boot sheath and switchblade knife J.D. had convinced me to carry.
"What the fuck?" Jaxon hissed.
I chuckled as I tossed it into my main bag and then zipped it up again. "My mentor didn't want me alone back here without some backup."
"You've got us!" Jaxon insisted.
I gave him a little smile. "Yeah, but he wasn't quite sure who'd be on his side - or mine - when things started going sideways."
"After Austin tried to beat the shit out of her at Cheyenne, I don't blame him," Kaleb pointed out.
"Yeah, but riding with that in your boot?" Jaxon sounded surprised, not offended.
"It's not bad on a bull," I assured him. "Bothers me more when standing around."
"And we do far too much of that," Jaxon agreed, shoving at Kaleb with one hand. "Guess this means we need to step up as protectors, huh? J.D. says we're supposed to be the good guys."
Kaleb huffed out something like a laugh. "Pretty sure Cody doesn't need to be babysat."
"No, she doesn't, but lately we all need some buddies," Jaxon countered. "J.D. always says..." His words trailed off and a smile took over his face. "Speak of the fucking devil!"
"Shit, and Tanner!" Kaleb gasped, jumping to his feet. "The man of the night!"
I turned to see J.D. and Tanner making their way over. I wasn't sure how they'd managed to get back here, but I had a feeling J.D. was how. The staff all knew his face, and he had no problem pushing in, even if he wasn't an official rider this time.
"I'm not shit," Tanner told those two. "Certainly not some kind of hero."
"He's also trying to go unnoticed," J.D. said. "Pretty sure the uppity ups would be pissed to see his face."
"Yeah, but you got Casey free," Kaleb insisted. "They can't get pissed about that, can they?"
"They can say I'm the reason he died," Tanner pointed out.
"Yep," Jaxon said, pushing to his feet. "I think that's a damned good reason to get out of here while they're still up there." And he pointed toward the ceiling, but I knew he meant the announcer's area at the top of the stadium.
"You two coming to the bar with us?" Kaleb asked J.D.
But he shook his head. "Can't. Doc said no alcohol."
"You, Cody?" Jaxon tried.
I shook my head the same way while working on getting my chaps off. "No offense, but I'm not really in the mood to celebrate."
"Figured we'd have a drink for Casey," Jaxon explained.
"The fucker who wanted her dead?" J.D. asked. "Naw, man. That's not happening. I'm taking my rookie back to the hotel and gonna light her up."
"Oh, me too," Tanner begged.
I shoved the rest of my stuff into my gear bag, then zipped it all up. Standing, I tried to sling it over my shoulder, but Tanner was faster. He took the gear bag, leaving me only the smaller one for my rope, then hooked an arm around my shoulder.
"You also need a long, hot shower and a longer, hotter massage," he said softly.
"Now we're talking," I agreed.
Which made Kaleb laugh. "Don't make J.D. suffer, Tanner. The poor guy's had to rest up for a few weeks now. Pretty sure he misses the buckle bunnies, and you're gonna rub your girl in his face?"
"He'll be too high to care," Tanner promised. "Night, guys."
"Miss you, Tanner. Tell Isaac and Jorge we want them back," Jaxon called as we turned to head out.
I jerked my head, encouraging J.D. to walk beside us, but didn't say anything until we'd made it out into the parking lot. Even then, I still had this uneasy need to look around, making sure no one was following us or close enough to listen in.
"So..." I tried. "I remember you two saying you were going to come out, but you're still pretending like this is all just normal?"
"He had contracts," Tanner reminded me.
"And those contracts have nothing to do with you letting people wonder," I countered. "Or, I dunno, hinting? Not feeling like you need to lie about it?" I reached out, grabbing J.D.'s arm to pull him close enough for me to hug him on my other side. "Or did you change your minds?"
"Tonight is not the night," J.D. pointed out.
I opened my mouth to protest, but Tanner spoke before I could get anything out.
"Cody, if J.D. comes out now, he's risking his entire career. Look at what they did to me."
"Right, but - "
"No," J.D. said, but I couldn't tell which of us he was refuting. "Tanner, I'm not scared of them trying to run me out. Shit, I could skip the rest of the season and still be qualified for finals. If they want to fuck me over, let 'em try. Naw, that's not why I don't wanna say anything."
"Then why?" I asked.
He walked beside me for a moment, staring at the asphalt beneath us. Finally, "I don't wanna kill our chances of getting Tanner back."
"Oh." Because yeah, I could see his point.
And it was wrong. All of this was wrong, and each time I tried to push past it, I felt like something else was rubbing it all into my face.
My scores were still going down. Tanner still wasn't allowed to work - not even when the accidents were hurting or killing riders, and new rookies had to keep moving up from Touring Pro to fill the empty slots.
Back in Boise, the show had taken almost an hour longer than normal because of the breaks for Sports Medicine to assist the riders.
The number of full rides was lower than I'd ever seen before, and tonight hadn't been any better.
The points were down, the wrecks were up, and it all came back to one single thing.
Me.
I'd been able to qualify simply because I had the luxury of a boy's name. No one had questioned "Cody Jennings" signing up for the Tulsa event. Initially, I'd kept my head down, looking like every other lanky bull rider in the chaos behind the chutes - but the moment that had changed?
I'd become a sensation. Everyone had noticed me, and most hadn't approved. Sure, that had changed lately, but I had a feeling it was because I'd taken my knocks. I'd proven I could actually ride bulls. I'd "cowboyed up," and for some of these guys, it had been enough.
But the Pbr was a man's world. The riders, the fans, and even the brands sponsoring us all catered to men, mostly.
Me? I was in their way. I was changing things, and a lot of these guys didn't like a lot of change.
They would rather stick to tradition, ignoring all those changes that had already snuck in, like our vests, helmets, and other safety gear.
And the bullfighters.
The Safety Team was the biggest change in bull riding tradition that I could think of.
Back when this had been nothing more than a rodeo sport, the men in the middle had been clowns.
They'd worn face paint and rag skirts. Granted, the skirts were to mask the size of their body so the bull couldn't connect, but that was beside the point.
Now, our bullfighters wore sponsored jerseys and shorts. They had protective padding, too. Most of all, they knew how to manage the livestock, protecting us from those bulls and keeping the riders as safe as anyone could be in this sport.
Or they had until I'd shown up. Tanner had been attacked because of me. The scoring was no longer fair because of me. People were in danger because of me. And as we drove back to the hotel, I stared out at the darkness, unable to ignore the last piece of that: Casey had died because of me.
I leaned back, letting my eyes close, and tried to ignore the way this felt.
The problem was, I didn't have a word for it.
This wasn't guilt, because I hadn't made them suspend Tanner.
I hadn't started the rumors. I'd done nothing but prove I belonged here, and yet the Pbr was falling apart at the seams simply because I'd shown up.
Tanner reached over at some point to clasp my hand on the console between seats. In the back seat, J.D. watched me, and I could almost feel it. Oddly, those two let me wallow in my thoughts all the way until we made it up into our room.
Then J.D. headed to the mini fridge and pulled out a trio of Mike's hard drinks. Giving me the sweetest of the bunch, he passed another to Tanner, then flopped down on the couch and pulled out his vape, holding it up like he was thinking about using it.
"So," he said, "talk."
I twisted my bottle open. "Huh?"
"You're too quiet, Cody," Tanner clarified. "What's spinning in your head?"
I took a long, cool drink, trying to avoid answering. When J.D. pulled off his hat without looking away from me, I realized he had no intention of letting this go. Considering how often I compared him to a pit bull, I had a feeling he was about to start acting like a dog with a bone.
"I don't know how I feel," I told them.
"Whatcha mean?" J.D. asked.
"Casey died!" I huffed. "I hated that fucker, but he's still dead, and it sucks. He fucking got killed because the bullfighters are so shit, they can't do a damned thing."
"So, frustrated?" Tanner offered.
I rocked my head from side to side. "Close, but also no."
"Helpless?" J.D. suggested.
"No," I said, trying to find the word to explain this feeling. "I want to say guilty - "
"Why?" J.D. broke in.
I grunted at him. "Hello? Because I'm the reason things are going to shit!"
"No - " Tanner tried.
But I lifted a hand, holding him off. "I know it's not my fault.
Fuck, it pisses me off, because it's their fault.
They keep hurting everyone else to try to push me down, and I'm not going to fucking quit.
But Casey died, and a part of me wonders if I'm risking everyone else, and if that's fair, you know?
But I didn't ask for this either, so why should I be the one to pay for their mistakes?
I followed the rules - and I'm still following them.
I'm not going to give up, but there isn't a damned thing I can do to make them give up, and it. .."
J.D. shifted closer. "Powerless," he said softly.
"That's the name for that feeling, and it makes you angry, right?
You want to lash out, but the only ones you could reach are the very ones who don't deserve it none.
You have this rage building up, and it gnaws at ya, like it's a beast with a mind of its own.
The only way you can think to make it shut up is to win, but the odds are all stacked against ya. "
"Yeah," I breathed.
He nodded. "Yep, that's one I know."
"Me too," Tanner agreed, moving behind me to gently rub my shoulders.
"So you try to pretend it's not happening, or not a problem.
You do your best to ignore it and push on, but the resentment is still there, still growing, so you do something else.
Something crazier. Something bigger. Something that pushes it back for a minute. "
"But I want to fix this!" I said, looking between them.
Tanner simply bent down to kiss the top of my head. "Cody, this isn't your problem to fix."
"Doesn't mean I can't fix it," I grumbled. "There has to be some way to stop all this bullshit that doesn't include me quitting!"
J.D. leaned in, hooking a finger under my chin so I had to look at him. "Cody, there's no way they're gonna let you fix this, but you know what you can do?"
"What?"
He smiled. "You can yell and scream real fuckin' loud, girl. If they aren't gonna play by the rules, then there's no damned reason you should either. See, you're my rookie, and I threw my fists when I felt it. They gave me shit for being a little Mexican boy, and I got real pissed."
"I felt like I had to laugh at the gay jokes," Tanner said. "I couldn't, and it was infuriating to have to ignore them. But if I reacted, it just gave them more power to get under my skin."
"But see," J.D. went on, "most of them boys? They don't get it. They ain't never had no one push them down like that. All their lives, they've been hot shit. Thing is, they're starting to feel it for the first time, and you? Girl, you've been feeling it since you first hung onto a sheep, I bet."
"Yeah..." I agreed softly.
He nodded. "So tell 'em, Cody. Tell all of 'em, and you let 'em hear how fucking pissed you are about it.
How pissed you are for them, too. You go out there tomorrow and you fight like the pissed-off bitch you're supposed to be, but you fight for them, and I bet they won't fucking know what to do with that. "
I found myself nodding, liking this idea. "So I need to fight like a girl, huh?"
"Yeah," Tanner said around a laugh. "I mean, that's one thing none of these guys will know how to deal with."
"And the press will be all over the arena tomorrow," J.D. pointed out. "So make me proud, rookie."