Chapter 37 #2
"Oh, I'm definitely starting shit," Tanner said. "I was keeping my secret to myself. The Pbr wants to punish me for it, so I'll start screaming it out loud."
"But what if that fucks Jorge and Isaac's deal?" Cody asked.
Tanner shrugged. "Then they can work with someone else." He lowered himself into the chair next to me. "I'm serious about this. I'm done pretending to be straight. Now, I don't have to drag you into it, J.D. I'm pretty sure I can figure out-"
"No," I said. "We're a thing. The three of us are the real deal, and I'm not looking to hide that." But I turned to look at Cody. "I just wanna know what we're doing now."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Us," I said, gesturing for her to sit too. "Cody, this thing? Me, you, and him? We're like a real thing, right? Not for now, but maybe for a while. Hopefully forever?"
"I'd like to think so," she said, glancing at Tanner as if seeking some backup.
"Hard to know the future," Tanner said, "but yeah. This isn't a fling for me."
"Or me," Cody said.
"Or me," I assured them. "I mean, I'm lookin' at houses and shit.
Like, I want this to be a whole future for us.
Now, I also know she dumped Ty real quick when he fucked up, and I ain't planning to fuck up, so I'm not asking about some kind of promises or anything.
But I'm just saying... Like, we're us? A threesome for the long haul and shit? "
"Yeah," Cody said. Tanner was nodding.
"So, I wanna put something out there," I decided, feeling my insides twist up. "Right here, right now, while we don't have no one listening in, and ain't no reason to be worried about shit, right?"
"Just say it, J.D.," Tanner encouraged.
Yeah, that sounded easy and shit, but I wasn't so good with it. This? What I was about to say, they might take it wrong. I could easily piss them off, but I needed to put it out there, because I knew how fucked up shit could get.
"I don't wanna make us exclusive," I said.
"What?!" Tanner gasped.
But Cody was nodding. The sort that looked more like thinking than agreeing. "Ok. Why?"
"Now, hear me out?" I begged. "See, I'm just thinking that we're making all these plans.
And we're talking about having nothing to lose, right?
But that's the thing. I do have something to lose.
" I looked at Cody first, then over to Tanner.
"I got both of you, and I don't wanna lose that.
And I don't wanna have it be because some fan kisses him, or some guy shoves his tongue down Cody's throat, get me?
I don't wanna make it some hard rule that we gotta worry about. "
"But why?" Tanner asked.
My eyes went back to the laptop. To where I'd just spent about an hour daydreaming all the what-ifs I could imagine.
For the first time in a real long time, I'd tried to imagine a forever like most people had, and it didn't fit us.
I just couldn't make it work without finding all the problems, and I didn't wanna lose these two.
Not because of some stupid shit, or big shit, and certainly not for the little shit.
But I didn't know how to say that. I still tried.
"I don't love neither of you because you fuck me.
" I had to lick my lips because my mouth was trying to go dry, and my palms felt clammy.
"I love you because of who you are. I love that we can talk about all the things.
I know Cody's only dated a guy or two. Well, you know what I mean.
And maybe someone flirts and it feels nice.
Or maybe Ty's not a dick, right? And Tanner, maybe you change your mind and decide to play all nice and straight. "
"With Cody!" Tanner huffed.
"Unless we fuck that up," I countered. "And I don't want you to.
I don't want shit to go wrong, but it does.
It always fucking does, and I just don't care about that shit.
Hell, if you pick up some guy, Tanner, I'll be right there cheering you on.
Same for Cody. I'm just saying that this? The way you make me feel?"
Cody was looking at the table, chewing on her lower lip. "What if you end up with someone, J.D.?"
"Shit," breathed. "Cody, I'm too fucking broken for that shit."
"Ok, but let's say you have to because of your sponsors or something. And kissing, not fucking," she pressed, refusing to let me get out of it. "Tanner, would you leave him?"
"But it'd be fake," Tanner said.
Cody just nodded, but her eyes were still on the wood, locked on some thought she was working through. "Yeah, but what if it's not? The two of you were ok with me and Ty. Why's it different?"
"Oh." And now Tanner was staring at nothing, his eyes unfocused.
"Yeah," I breathed. "I don't want us to be about who we do. I want us to be love. I want us to be the place we can always come back to. I want us to be more than rules and expectations, because the three of us? Well, we're a real bad couple."
And finally, Tanner nodded. "Yeah, that is a good point. It's also an odd number, and I do kinda want some couple time."
"With him?" Cody asked.
"And you," Tanner said. "Little less performance and more one-on-one. Not always, but sometimes."
"Yeah," she breathed. "And I don't want to feel like doing something wrong means I end up with nothing."
"That!" I said, pointing at her. "I don't want it to be a choice. I don't want walking away to even be on the table. I want this to be..."
"Real," Tanner said. "So, open it is." Then he breathed out a soft laugh. "I'm good with open. I just don't want secrets."
"Exactly," I agreed, because that was the part I'd been trying to say. "I trust both of you. I love both of you. I don't ever want you to doubt it, and we're gonna go burn the world, so let's not hold back."
"At all," Cody agreed.