EZRA
‘ Y OU ’ RE SMILING ALL OF A SUDDEN . W HO ARE YOU TEXTING ?’
I glance up. Caroline is sitting cross-legged in her armchair, eating a slice of cold pizza and eyeing me narrowly. I’m still on her sofa – I slept here last night, lulled by the drone of television and copious amounts of whisky. Romy had come and gone by the time I woke up this morning, deeply hungover and in a crushingly low mood. Up until about two minutes ago, that is.
‘Not Edie, if that’s what you were thinking.’
‘Who, then?’ Caroline presses – she slept in her bed, of course, and looks relatively fresh-faced in an oversized T-shirt that reads I TOLD YA in big black letters, strands of hair escaping a comically lopsided ponytail.
‘It doesn’t matter. Is there any more pizza?’
‘You’re deflecting,’ she says, sliding the box across the coffee table. ‘Is it a girl?’
‘Maybe,’ I say, sitting up to take a slice. I’m starving, I realise, tearing into it.
‘Not the model?’ Caroline presses, and I glance up. It’s eerie how easily she can read me sometimes.
‘Her name is Audrey,’ I reply, pausing to take another bite. ‘But – yeah.’
‘Seriously? How did you even find her?’
‘It’s a long story. I don’t feel like getting into it right now.’
‘Are you dating?’
‘Jesus, Caroline. We met, like, a week ago.’
‘Then it’s platonic?’
‘Why does it matter?’
‘I mean – it doesn’t, really, but the timing kind of sucks.’
‘Huh,’ I say, dropping my crust back in the box. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘No, you’re getting pissy.’ She sighs. ‘Forget it.’
‘I’m not pissy.’ I lie. ‘Just seems like you felt different a week ago, is all.’
‘Sure. But given the Edie of it all—’
‘Edie is irrelevant,’ I interject. ‘The geography might have changed but nothing else has. It’s over. Definitively.’
‘Okay, but like – are you over her ? I mean – you found out she’s in the city and immediately got blackout drunk.’
‘That’s hardly a newsworthy event.’
‘Yeah, well – that’s a different conversation.’
‘So now I’ve got a drinking problem, too.’ I laugh. ‘Cool.’
‘All I’m asking is that you consider taking this slowly,’ Caroline says, straightening in her chair. ‘I’ve done the rebound thing myself, okay? I get it.’
‘It’s not a rebound,’ I say hotly. ‘Don’t project your shit on to me.’
‘Don’t be a little shit, then,’ she retorts. ‘If you really like this girl, it’s all the more reason to pump the brakes and give yourself time.’
‘God, why does it have to be so deep? I’m eighteen! If there was ever a time for dating around then surely it’s now?’
‘ Aha! ’ Caroline says triumphantly. ‘I knew you were dating!’
‘Hypothetically! And if we did then what’s the big deal?’
‘Because you’ll probably fuck it up. And I’m not saying that to be a bitch, okay? I just don’t want to see you get hurt.’
‘By hanging out with a girl who might actually like me?’
‘By hurting her , probably. You don’t exist in a vacuum, Ezzy.’
‘More’s the pity,’ I mutter, getting to my feet.
‘Oh, come on – will you sit down?’
‘Believe or not, I’ve actually got a lot to do today,’ I say, patting down my pockets in what I hope is a nonchalant way, ignoring the sickly cocktail of guilt and anger pooling in my stomach as I head for the door. ‘Thanks for the – for everything. See you later.’
‘For God’s sake – why is everyone in this family incapable of healthy communication?’ Caroline calls after me.
I don’t bother responding – why would I, when we both know the answer to that one?
Ten minutes and a cigarette later I’m pacing circles outside Caroline’s apartment building, agonising over whether or not I should head back up and apologise. I’ve calmed down enough to be embarrassed now – I could have easily shrugged her off instead of throwing a tantrum, and the fact that I didn’t is bothering me almost as much as the prospect of us being at odds with each other. Largely because I suspect it means she might be right.
The Edie thing isn’t as simple as she thinks, and it wasn’t fair of her to try and compare whatever’s happening (or not happening) between Audrey and I to the kind of shit that she used to get up to. Before she met Romy, Caroline pretty much sucked as a romantic partner – the messier the relationship, the longer it held her attention, so she’d do shit like tell a girl she loved her only to ghost a week later, then show back up on her doorstep after months of radio silence to try whisk her away on a minibreak to Montauk. Literally – she did that once, and when it transpired that said girl had moved on, Caro invited the new partner along (the answer was a resounding no, for the record, by means of a slammed door).
That was just a funny story at the time – one of many. I’m embarrassed to admit how long it took me to realise how carelessly Caro was treating herself, too, miring her life in drama and heartbreak just to feel something other than Mum’s absence.
But that’s not me – whatever my failings as a boyfriend were, they didn’t include commitment issues. I’m not trying to use Audrey to distract myself from Edie – how could I when they occupy such disparate spaces of my brain? And, honestly, fuck Caroline for implying that.
I let out a huff of breath, reaching for my phone to see if Audrey’s replied.
You’re the expert tour guide! Surprise me :)
It’s crazy, the way my mood lifts just reading that – I tap out a response in record time.
where should i meet you?
I hit send and start walking, suddenly desperate to get home. My apartment is a mess, I’m in dire need of a shower and now I have plans to plan – hangover be damned, I’m moving fast and feeling relatively clear-headed until I catch sight of a girl with short blonde hair and my stomach almost drops out of my body. Jesus. Now I know that Edie’s in the city I’ll be seeing her everywhere, consciously or otherwise. Whether I actually want to or not.
Okay- I may have to acknowledge that Caroline might not have been totally misguided in her interpretation of events. Take it slow , she kept saying, and in an ideal world, I would. But Caro doesn’t know that giving it time is a luxury that I don’t have. Audrey could disappear at a moment’s notice, jetting off to bigger things and better potential love interests.
That’s the other thing- smart as it may be to keep things platonic, I’m not sure that I’m capable of it. If she isn’t interested in me like that then it’s a non-issue, of course – I’m happy to be her friend, and God knows I could probably do with one too. But what if she is – what if I turn to look at her one day and see the things I feel reflected back at me? How could I ever turn away?
My phone buzzes, then. Audrey’s replied with an address – her address, which she apparently trusts me enough to give, and for a moment my heart is tangled between them – the spectre of Edie, the promise of Audrey. It doesn’t stop me from picking up the pace, feet moving faster as I propel myself towards more decisions I’ll almost inevitably regret.