EZRA
‘ W HO ARE YOU CALLING ?’ M AC ASKS .
‘Audrey. She tried to call and I missed it,’ I mutter. ‘I’m calling back, but it keeps going straight to voicemail.’
I try again, lifting the phone to my ear.
‘ I’m sorry, the number you have called is currently unavailable. Please —’
‘ Fuck .’ I groan. She literally called two minutes ago – I saw it as soon as I got into my locker. I’m still standing here, bedraggled and sweaty after my first shift back. If I hadn’t stopped to take all that stupid laundry – what could have happened in two minutes that she’s suddenly unavailable?
‘I didn’t realise you guys were talking again,’ Mac says, watching me.
‘We weren’t – we’re not. But …’
But, but, but. This could mean anything, and the fact that her phone’s not even ringing is driving me wild. Did it die? Did she turn it off? Maybe calling me was an accident, or she changed her mind –
‘If only I could offer you advice.’ Mac sighs theatrically, pausing to pull his shirt over his head. ‘But seeing as you refused to tell me anything about the extremely mysterious fight that you guys had, I can’t.’
‘I – I don’t think I called it a fight.’
‘Conflict, fracas, whatever. The point is, she was mad at you. Right?’
‘Yeah,’ I say, stomach clenching unpleasantly at the memory. ‘Or – upset, I guess. But it was bad.’
‘Because of something you did?’
‘… Yeah.’
‘On purpose? Like – did you know that it would hurt her, and you did it anyway?’
‘ No . No, the opposite. I was trying to avoid hurting her. But I’m an idiot, so …’
‘I’m aware,’ he says, tugging on a tight white T-shirt. ‘I’m just trying to gauge the situation.’
‘The situation is that I fucked up,’ I say, sinking down on to the lumpy sofa beside the door. ‘The situation is almost always that I fucked up.’
‘Sure. Like when you ghosted me for over a week, and I had to find out from Romy that you weren’t dead.’
I glance up, startled. Mac is rifling through his locker, so I can’t see his face to figure out if he’s serious or not.
‘Oh, um – sorry,’ I say uncertainly. ‘I didn’t – were you actually worried?’
‘Of course not,’ he says dryly. ‘You were so stable and normal when you came over to my place. Why would I worry?’
Shit. He’s right, of course, and I didn’t even apologise when I saw him again today – he made some prodigal son crack before I could even say hi and then we were knees-deep into the dinner rush, so I assumed that everything was fine. I’d also figured that being one of Mac’s many, many friends, my absence wouldn’t be too jarring.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say – with actual sincerity this time. ‘I didn’t realise.’
‘Honestly, it made me wonder if you think I’m just this grifter who uses you for shit,’ he continues, turning to face me. ‘Like – I thought that we were friends – actual friends, not work friends. But then you have an actual crisis and you shut me out?’
‘I shut everyone out,’ I tell him. ‘And it was stupid, and selfish, but it wasn’t personal – you’re a great friend, Mac. I don’t take it for granted that you even want to hang out with me, let alone …’ I trail off, struck by an errant thought. An idea. A good one, maybe.
‘Care?’ Mac finally prompts.
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘Also – would you want to live together?’
He stares at me, expression blank. Then: ‘You’ll have to buy me a ring first.’
‘I’m serious,’ I say. ‘You hate your flatmates. I hate living alone. We’ve got the whole mutual caring thing going on – what more do we need?’
‘A second bedroom?’
‘We can find somewhere new, right? It might take a while …’
‘Are you being for real? Anywhere I could afford would be a hole compared to your current set-up.’
‘It’s not so great. I think the ceilings are too high. And don’t even get me started on all the natural light.’
‘Have you forgotten we were in the middle of a conversation about what a flake you are?’
‘I know. And I am,’ I concede. ‘But I’m trying to do better. To own my shit, you know?’
‘Which is great, like – hand on heart, I fully support that,’ Mac says seriously. ‘But I don’t want to get fucked over by it.’
‘Let me do the legwork, then. I’ll start looking into places – let you know if I find anything, yeah?’
Full disclosure – I’m well aware that finding an affordable, non-disgusting two-bedroom apartment to rent in this city is about as likely as finding a unicorn in Central Park. I also know that I won’t be able to do it without a significant financial contribution from my dad, but maybe we can work out a loan system, or he knows someone looking to sublet. In any case, I’d like to be marginally less passive in my reliance on him. Baby steps and all that.
‘Fine,’ Mac says after a pause. ‘It’s not an entirely awful idea, so I am tentatively condoning this.’
‘Great.’ I smile, getting to my feet and grabbing my backpack. ‘We can talk about it more tomorrow – I’m heading out.’
‘Where to?’
‘Audrey’s apartment,’ I admit. ‘I mean – if she actually doesn’t want to see me then she can just tell me to fuck off, right?’
‘Sure,’ Mac says after a beat. ‘But she’s not at her apartment.’
‘She – how do you know that?’
‘Because she’s at the party that I’m going to tonight,’ he says matter-of-factly, tousling his already-tousled hair. ‘And I guess that you could come with me on the off-chance that she does actually want to see you. But! I’m going to make you wait outside until she confirms as much, seeing as I still don’t know what actually went down.’
‘Fine,’ I say quickly. ‘Great. Let’s go.’
‘You’re not going to change?’
‘Nah, fuck it. Let’s just go.’
Mac rolls his eyes but concedes – I’m actively resisting the urge to jog on the spot while he gets his stuff together, holding us up to fuss with his hair some more. When we’re finally outside I insist on a cab even though the address is less than a dozen blocks away – I can’t shake this crazy sense of urgency, of momentum, even though I have no idea what’s going to happen, or what I’m going to say to her. If she even wants to see me, that is.
‘Cool it,’ Mac says, placing a firm hand on my knee. I’ve been bobbing it absently ever since we got stuck in a tangle of traffic – it’s started to rain, which means that everything has ground to a near-total standstill.
‘Sorry,’ I say, peering through the windscreen. ‘Maybe we should have walked.’
‘We’re fine. We’ve got time.’
‘We don’t know when this thing is wrapping up, though. What if—’
But I never finish that sentence, distracted by a girl on the opposite side of the street. I notice her hair, first, so pale that it seems to glow in the mist of the rain.
‘ What if … ? ’ Mac prompts, but I barely hear him, wiping the condensation from the window beside me to squint at the figure in the distance. She’s tall, I can tell, and wearing a green jacket – Audrey has a green jacket. And she’s moving quickly, slipping past strangers …
‘I think that’s her,’ I say. ‘I think that’s Audrey.’
Mac leans over, eyes narrowed. ‘That’s definitely a blonde girl, yes.’
‘She’s going the way we came,’ I say, unclipping my seatbelt and craning my neck to see through the rearview window. ‘What if she left the party to come find me?’
‘Why would she – what are you doing?’
‘Sorry,’ I say, fumbling for my wallet and shoving a wad of notes at Mac’s chest. ‘I’ve got to go after her.’
‘It might not even be her!’ he protests, but I’m already out of the car.
I know, I know I’m being crazy, but this is exactly the kind of crazy that’s followed me around ever since Audrey and I first met. I can’t just sit still and risk losing her – I won’t, I fucking refuse , and so I start to run, feet slapping against the wet pavement, wondering if she knows she has my heart in the palm of her perfect, freckled hand. That same heart is in bad shape, though – I lose sight of her, and it’s pounding hard by the time I spot her again, a flash of blonde disappearing around a corner.
‘Audrey!’ I call, but she’s on the other side of the street, too far ahead for my voice to carry. I glance up at the lights beside the crosswalk – green, and I’m off again, moving—
Then the world turns sideways. Some unseen force sends me flying and I land hard, face first on to the tarmac. My first thought – How humiliating. The second – Did I just get hit by a car?
‘I’m fine,’ I say to no one in particular, dimly aware of a crowd forming around me. I’m struggling into an upright position, so I must be more or less unscathed. ‘It’s fine. I—’
‘You should sue,’ I hear a woman beside me say. ‘That light was green.’
The cab that clipped me shunts forward, pulling up beside me.
‘Shit, I’m sorry, pal!’ the driver says, leaning out of his window. ‘You good?’
‘Fine,’ I say, head spinning – the lights around me are blurred, a slur of colour. ‘It’s fine …’
‘Oh my God!’
One voice carries above the others, and I flinch at the note of concern. A girl is stumbling out of the back of the cab. A blonde girl in a silver dress, whose dark eyes are wider than I’ve ever seen them. It occurs to me then that I might have hit my head.
‘Ezra!’ Audrey says, dropping to her knees beside me. ‘Oh my God, Ezra …’
It’s her. This time, it’s really her.
‘Forget the fare!’ the driver yells, pulling around us and speeding off into the night. The lights have changed and the rest of the traffic is slowly resuming, the crowd dispersing, and Audrey is here, right in front of me.
I force myself on to my feet, then, pulling us both out of the road. Audrey’s hands are on me, roaming my torso.
‘Does any of this hurt?’ she asks, voice wavering. ‘Do you think you broke something?’
‘I’m fine.’ I laugh, feeling mildly hysterical. ‘I thought I was chasing you. You’re everywhere. You’re nowhere and then you’re everywhere.’
‘We need another cab,’ she says, frantically looking around. ‘You need to go to the hospital—’
‘No, no …’
‘You’re concussed,’ she says, eyes wide as she reaches up to brush wet hair out of my eyes. ‘Oh, Ezra, your face .’
Her hands are trembling. I take them in mine, clasp them together – they’re so cold. She’s getting sodden in the rain, her thin dress clinging and sticking.
‘It’s fine. I was coming to find you. You called me.’
‘You’re bleeding. We have to go to the hospital—’
‘We don’t—’
‘You just got hit by a car!’
‘That you were in. Aren’t you the one who believes in cosmic whatever? Don’t you think it’s a sign?’
‘Don’t say that ,’ she wails, face crumpling. ‘I thought …’
And then she sobs, butting her head against my chest and throwing her arms around me.
‘Sorry,’ I say quickly, hugging her back. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—’
‘I love you,’ she says, voice muffled. ‘I love you, and for a second I thought I might have fucking killed you.’
I wonder then if maybe that cab didn’t kill me – if this isn’t all just some beautiful dream, conjured by my dying brain.
‘I can’t be killed,’ I hear myself say. Audrey laughs, then looks up at me with huge, watery eyes.
‘It’s not funny,’ she says seriously. Then she laughs again, and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.
‘You love me,’ I say, still dazed. ‘When did that happen?’
‘I – I don’t know.’ She sniffs, wiping her eyes. ‘Does it matter?’
‘No,’ I say, and without thinking I place my hand on the side of her face, cupping her cheek. It’s warm, wet with the rain – there’s some hair plastered to it and I gently push it away. She stares at me, lips slightly parted.
‘I love you too,’ I tell her. ‘I love you, and I think that this is fate, and I swear to God I’m not concussed.’
Audrey lets out a strange, hiccupping sob at that, burying her face back into my chest.
‘I – I think it’s fate too,’ she says, half laughing, half crying. ‘I just wish it hadn’t involved you getting hit by a car.’
‘These things happen,’ I say lightly. ‘Though if my inevitable facial scar is going to be an issue, I’ll understand if you want to bail. The nose is bad enough, and now …’