CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR #2
An awkward silence descends between us as soon as Axia leaves.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“I was mostly awake anyway. Just drifting. Thanks.” Maeva’s eyes meet mine. “You saved my life.”
“You would’ve pulled it together eventually.” It’s a lie, and she gives me a weak grin.
“Right. Just as soon as I’d stopped puking. What exactly happened?”
I take a deep breath. “Hester and Baldric decided to kill you. Because of me.”
“I don’t think you get to take credit for their actions, all things considered. What happened once I … left?”
“I had to fight Rorrik.”
Maeva goes still. “How are you still alive?”
“He decided to play with me instead of killing me. Everyone heard you were drugged, which is against the rules. And … Rorrik wasn’t exactly pleased when he learned that information.”
“His mother,” Maeva murmurs, her eyes sliding closed.
“What do you mean?”
“She was drugged and kidnapped. And he never saw her again.”
“How do you—”
She opens one eye and I almost smile. “Sigilkeeper’s daughter.”
“Thank you. For doing that for me. I don’t know why you would after what I said to you.”
I shrug. “I deserved everything you said. You’re right. You caught me at a bad time, but there’s no excuse for the rest of it.”
“So tell me why.”
I sigh. “I fought in the Sands six years ago with my best friend.”
She nods. “I figured that much out when Baldric called you ‘champion.’”
“One of Kassia’s enemies bribed a few people so she would face Kassia, and all of a sudden, our fight became a death match. I was too slow. And Kas died in front of me.”
Maeva’s face twists in agonized sympathy.
I keep speaking, because I’m pretty sure I can only get this out once.
“The moment Kas stopped breathing, everything else fell apart too. I’ve been numb, I guess.
Numb and cold. For six years, I didn’t mourn.
Because mourning might mean I would heal.
It might mean I forgot about her. About how much she means …
meant to me.” My throat is suddenly so tight it hurts to breathe.
“And that would mean I didn’t love her enough.
It would mean she’s truly gone, and there’s no bringing her back. ”
For once, I let the tears fall.
“Arvelle.” Maeva reaches for my hand. “There is no bringing her back.”
A sob cracks out of me. “I know. I know that. I do.”
“She wouldn’t want this.”
“I know that too.” I suck in a breath. “She’d be so fucking disappointed in me, Maeva.”
“I think she’d be proud.”
I stare at her and she waves one hand. “Look at everything you’ve achieved while being a shell of a person. Imagine what you could do if you let yourself heal.”
I hiccup, wiping at my face. “Gods.” I have an instant headache. “When I saw you in the arena, about to die just like Kassia … it was horrifying. And I felt like such an idiot.”
“That’s because pushing people away doesn’t make it any easier when they die. It just adds a healthy serving of guilt to the trauma.” Maeva sits up taller. “I’m not trying to take her place. I want you to know that.”
I shake my head. “Kas would have loved you. You would have been fast friends.”
“I could use a friend like you. Someone who will put her life on the line for me. I’d do the same for you. So what do you say? Friends?”
I sniff. “Yeah. Friends.”
Maeva gives me the same smile she gave me on the first day we met. Full of life and hope and fun.
My head aches, and I rub at my temple. “When will they let you out of here?”
She sighs. “The healers say the poison ripped through me. I still can’t feel anything from the knee down in my left leg.”
I don’t even know what to say. Maeva attempts another smile, although this time it’s shaky. “You know this is the first time I’ve slept in since I was a child? It’s the first time I wasn’t up at dawn training. Axia said Kaeso and Brenin and the others have visited. And … Neris visited too.”
“Neris?” I gape at her. “Imperium Neris?”
Maeva’s cheeks turn a light pink. “She was there when they dragged me out of the arena. And she helped them bring me to the healers. She was the first person I saw when I regained consciousness.”
I’d wondered where Neris was when the imperius filed into the training hall without her.
Maeva bites her lower lip. “It’s not forbidden,” she says defensively. “I’m a novice now, not a gladian.”
“I know.”
“Then why do you look like you’ve tasted something unpleasant?”
I let out a huge sigh. “If you’re going to be with an imperium, do you have to choose someone so … mean?”
Maeva bursts out laughing. “She’s not mean to me.”
I roll my eyes and she gives me a wicked grin.
Maeva and Neris. Who would’ve thought? Although, if anyone can benefit from Maeva’s sweet personality—other than me—I suppose it’s her.
Maeva reaches for a glass of water on her table and I hand it to her. She takes a sip and gives it back to me.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yes.”
“Why are you here, Arvelle? You don’t want to be a Praesidium guard. The rest of us have studied and trained for this.” Her tone is curious, blame-free, but I feel my shoulders hunch. Silence is suddenly heavy in the air between us.
Friends tell each other things.
The concept is still foreign to me after all these years of shutting people out, but I take a deep breath, considering the repercussions.
Bran took one look at my life and decided the only people he needed to include in our bond were the emperor and Tiernon. No part of him thought I would have a friendship with anyone else. That means I can tell Maeva everything.
Don’t! a little voice in my head screams. You can’t trust anyone!
I war with my instincts, biting the inside of my cheek until the taste of copper floods my mouth.
“It’s fine,” Maeva says gently, and something like pity gleams in her eyes as she watches me. “You don’t have to tell me. I understand.”
“No,” I croak out. “It’s just … I’m trusting you with my brothers’ lives, Maeva.”
Her eyes widen. “You have brothers?”
“Yes. And they’re the best and brightest things in my life. I would do anything for them. There are no limits. Do you understand?”
She nods, sitting up taller. “You can tell me.”
I lean close, lowering my voice to a whisper. And I tell her everything.
Shock and fear and determination flicker across her face. When I tell her about the sight of Evren suffocating in front of me, my voice cracks. Maeva’s eyes fill with tears. And when I tell her about Bran’s blackmail, sympathy turns to cold rage.
“He’s dead,” she snarls. And this isn’t the woman with the bright smile. It’s the woman who somehow managed to kill Baldric while bleeding internally and hallucinating. “He’s going to pay.”
“He is. But in the meantime …”
Her voice drops so low I can barely hear it. “You have to kill the emperor.”
“Yes. The urges … they’re getting worse. I can’t break the bond, and I can’t kill Bran. Rorrik says he can break the bond but he left last night and …”
“And trusting him would likely be the last mistake you make?”
I nod. “Yes. That. I never asked if you have siblings.”
She gives me a shaky smile. “My parents stopped with me. Since their firstborn was a lowly bronze sigilmarked, they thought it prudent not to risk another one. Or even worse, a voidborn.”
“I’m sorry.”
She shrugs. “I didn’t need siblings. There was a nest of pixies in our garden when I was a child.
At first, they stayed away, but I spent so much time playing near the stream that they eventually began to play with me.
By the time I was ten, I counted them as my closest friends.
” Her eyes turn flat, and my stomach sinks.
“And then the emperor killed them,” I whisper.
She nods. “He eradicated them like they were vermin. I didn’t know until it was too late. I never had a chance to warn them. When I walked down to the bottom of the garden, it was littered with their corpses.”
My head spins. This explains Maeva’s fury when Baldric called her a pixie so many months ago. “I’m so sorry.”
She takes my hand, giving it a squeeze. “You’re not the only one who hates the emperor, Arvelle. You’re just someone who is being forced to act on that hate. And I’m going to help you.” She clears her throat, and I pass her the water again.
Since I’m telling her everything … “You were supposed to get my spot on the imperius.”
She coughs, choking on her sip, and I take the glass from her.
“What?”
“They were going to pick you as their novice. And I manipulated them into picking me.”
She squeezes my hand again. “Because you figured you’d have more chances to kill the emperor if you were on the imperius.”
“Yes.”
“You did what you needed to do for your brothers. I would never blame you for that, Arvelle. But … thanks for telling me. Knowing I would have been chosen … it helps.” She gives me a wicked grin. “Besides, I can still earn a place. All I have to do is be exceptional.”
One of the healers rushes past outside, and Maeva chews on her lower lip. “How’s Leon?”
My eyes fill with tears, and she reaches out to touch my arm. “He’s going to wake up, Arvelle. He’s tough.”
“That’s what everyone says. But … even the healers were horrified.”
“How is it that they haven’t found the murderer yet?”
“The emperor is pretending not to pay attention, but the imperius have been investigating. I found the bodies of those killed.”
“Did you notice anything?”
I tell her about the creepy bright green eyes, and the voice in my head, and she grimaces.
“They’re trapped? Within their corpses?”
“Yes. At first I didn’t tell anyone about the feeling of being watched or the voices because …”
“You thought you might be going insane.”
“Yeah. And then when I did whatever it was that I did …” I shrug. “It was just one more weird thing that I shouldn’t be able to do.”
“I understand.” She shakes her head. “You would think people would know better than to sacrifice to Mortuus. There’s a reason it’s illegal. What’s your next step?”
I sigh. “I’m going to take a look in Leon’s room.”
Maeva winces. “Where he was found?”
“Yes. He’s the only one who survived, Maeva, which means the killer was rushed. Maybe they were sloppy. The imperius have already searched his room, but Neris promised not to let anyone in to clean until I’ve had a chance to look. I know Leon better than anyone.”
Concern flashes in her eyes but she nods. “Be careful.”