24. Raya
RAYA
“I need to focus; my life is hanging in the balance. I cannot allow myself to be distracted.”
- RAYA’S JOURNAL ENTRY
Istood, staring at Khol’s retreating figure, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. I could still feel Khol’s lips against mine, could still feel the burning heat of his intensity, his desire. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, clamping my bottom lip between my teeth.
How had this insufferable brute turned into a man who decided to kiss me? How had I turned into a woman who wanted to be kissed? Did I want to be kissed?
I shook my heading attempting to shake off the feeling of his hands on my shoulders. I picked up the bow and arrow, inhaling and exhaling softly before lining up the shot. Closing my eyes, I knew the target, I saw the target. Goosebumps covered my arm as I imagined Khol’s hands sweeping across them gently, and I swallowed against my dry throat.
I let the arrow fly. My eyes snapped open as the arrow hit the center of the target. Again.
Calmness settled over me, I was still a solider and I was still loyal to my people.
“Maybe we should wheel you out at the ball and show you off.” Ezra leaned against the training room’s entry way. I took a deep breath, praying that I could keep myself in check.
“Khol says you’re doing much better.” She strolled across the room, standing in front of the target.
Oh, don’t threaten me with a good time.
I paused at the sound of Khol’s name.
“You spoke to him?” I asked as nonchalantly as I could.
“Yes, just now, he says he believes you are more than ready to take the first test next week.” Something warm and sweet pooled in the center of my stomach.
“But,” Ezra spoke starkly, “I am not so easily convinced. You see, I am worried, Raya, worried that my son is getting too… personally involved in your testing.” She stalked around the room like a dragon eyeing up its next kill. I rested my hands on my hips.
“I do not think your son is any more involved than you are, I assume you want to see me succeed as much as he does?” I quipped.
Take the bait, Ezra, I know you want to.
She paused for a moment, assessing me slowly.
“Of course,” her voice was emotionless and cold, then she turned to leave.
“You mentioned a ball?” I called after her.
“A day after your first test,” she continued walking. “Assuming you survive.” Ezra strutted out as though the world fell at her feet.
I supposed it did.
Slamming the bow down, I left the room, Ezra’s threats sticking to my skin. My blood sang and my head swam. Did she speak to everyone this way? My pace quickened as I headed to find Alias.
I stopped dead in the middle of the corridor.
Alias wasn’t here, he was never here. I had been gone for almost two weeks and I hadn’t heard a peep from Alias, or anyone from the Sage Guard. Captain Jala hadn’t even written to check on my progress. A maid scurry past me, her footsteps pulling me back to reality, and all of Ezra’s threats swarmed me again as I stormed to Elijah’s apothecary.
I pushed the door open hastily, making Elijah jump.
“I think Ezra’s trying to kill me!” I wailed dramatically, walking into the room. Only to see Elijah was not alone, Khol sat uncomfortably on the too small chair, in the too small room.
“Khol,” I said quickly. “I didn’t—” I babbled embarrassingly.
“What did she say to you?” Khol stood quickly, scanning his eyes over me as if checking for injuries.
“Nothing, really.”
“Raya,” he said sternly.
“Khol,” I repeated back.
We stared each other down, it was like gravity slowed, like I could reach out and touch the dust that was falling between us.
“She said something about wheeling me out at the ball, as a party trick or something,” I spoke softly. Khol rose a brow.
“But she said I would only be at the ball if I, if…” I tripped over my words again.
“If what?” Khol demanded, his stare ablaze.
“If I survive the first test.” I slumped into the chair Khol stood from, scrunching up my long legs to fit. Khol muttered a string of curses to himself.
“She’s just trying to get in my head, and I’m only telling Elijah about it because… because he is my only friend.” I laughed softly, shooting Elijah a grin.
He winked back.
“Well, as you’re one and only friend, we must take a trip into town and find you a dress.” Elijah began emptying his seemingly always full satchel.
“Elijah,” I said, a deadpan look on my face. “There is a chance that I won’t be attending the ball,” I said, attempting to add humor into my voice. He reached a hand toward me.
“I have known many warriors in my life, Raya, and I have no doubt in my mind that you will be in attendance at the ball.” I smiled at his words, fear slowly seeping back down into my stomach.
“Will you be my date?” I asked Elijah hopefully.
“Oh, my love, I’m afraid I cannot,” he brushed his thumb over my cheek. “I promised my husband I’d go with him.” The wrinkles by his eyes crinkled as he smiled.
“You’re married? Why do you never tell me anything?” I nudged him. “Congratulations,” I whispered.
“My dear girl, your congratulations, although touching, are not necessary, we’ve been married almost twenty years.” Light shone in his eyes as he spoke, and warmth filled my chest.
“Well, I’d love to meet him, although I am sad I will be attending alone.” I touched my hand to his arm momentarily and turned toward the door, walking straight into Khol’s muscled torso. I had completely forgotten his was in the room.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, looking up to meet his eyes. It felt as though a hundred little fires were set alight beneath my skin as our gazes lingered on one and other.
“Khol!” Elijah stated loudly. “You are not escorting anyone, are you?” Khol’s eyes finally jumped from mine to Elijah’s, and he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.
“Ah, well… I… no. I’m not escorting anyone,” he stuttered out finally.
Elijah clapped his hands together gleefully and sighed.
“Perfect, then you can escort Raya.” Both of our gazes shot to Elijah as the words left his mouth.
Khol? Be my escort?
I knew that Elijah was just attempting to help, but he did not know that Khol had just kissed me and that the last thing we should be doing together was attending a ball.
Unease crept into my bones.
“I’m sure Khol has a mass of people wanting to go with him to the ball.” I smiled awkwardly.
“Not unless you count Ottie,” Khol laughed gruffly before looking over at me again. “It really isn’t a problem, unless you would rather go with someone else?”
There was no one else, and I think Khol knew that too.
“Okay, let’s go to the ball,” I said quietly.
“Well, first you need to survive the test,” Khol teased, nudging me with his crossed elbow.
Khol’s mood swings struck me like flying rocks, first he kissed me, then ignored me, and then he’s teasing me again? My neck ached with the whiplash of it all. Shutting the door of Elijah’s room behind me, I leaned against the wood, slowly attempting to get my bearings.
“Do you suppose Khol will tell her? He seems smitten,” voices trickled in from further down the corridor.
“Don’t kill my hope completely, I’m still hoping he’ll fall for me,” another voice joined the chorus.
“Dream on,” the first voice spoke again. “I can’t believe they’re actually making her do the tests.” My breath hitched in my throat. “We all know Ezra will not let her survive the trials, she’s a threat and we all know it.” She laughed quietly. Laughing as if my life truly meant nothing.
The words cut me. Was I being betrayed, again? By the people that were supposed to be my own?
The Sage Guard didn’t want me. The Sorcerers didn’t want me.
She’s a threat. The words cascaded over my skin.
If they only knew how much of a threat I was.
The two voices trailed away, taking my hopes with them.
The breath left my lungs slowly, my energy depleting as the adrenaline fell away. I was so sick and tired of being the outsider. I had always been lethal, someone to fear, but now I was nothing but an untrained liability.
“You can’t be serious, Khol,” Elijah’s muffled voice sounded from through the door I still leaned against.
“Your mother has the entire Temple behind her, she has all of the Sorcerers behind her.”
“But I cannot let her carry on with this, this… crusade!” Khol’s voice rose ever so slightly.
“When does this end, Elijah?” His voice returned to a whisper. “I stood by when she murdered Rafael.” His voice turned grave and deadly. “I won’t do it again, not with Raya.” Fear ran cold through my veins. He knew. Khol knew that I was not to survive the trials. The uncaring armor I wore vigilantly for the last twenty years began to crumble.
But despite the desperation in his words, he had lied to me, they had all lied to me.
When would I realize that the only person I could trust, was myself? I had been foolish and blind and about a hundred other things I didn’t have the energy to name. I never wanted to become a woman that depended in the decisions of others, especially the decisions of men. My mother flashed in my mind.
I hadn’t seen her since my blood loss induced hallucination when I first arrived at The Temple. Missing her was like a wound that never healed.
I had let myself get distracted. I had, for a moment, let myself forget my mission. Jala’s words sounded in my head.
Infiltrate, gain their trust, learn their secrets and report back.
Alias’s life was at stake and one moon cycle had already passed. Pushing off from the apothecary door, I flew down the corridor, twisting around the bends and dips until I found the door to my room. Throwing it open I began pulling out draws aggressively, searching for parchment and a quill. Lighting a candle with a wave of my hand, I sat down next to the bookshelves.
Anger coursed through my veins like never before. I was not some pawn in a game or something to sacrifice.
I was a badass fucking woman.
And I would save my best friend’s life. Dragging the quill across the page aggressively, I scribbled everything I had learned about The Temple, secrets one could only learn from living within it. I had yet to find a way in and out of the building, but I assured Jala that my success would be imminent. Addressing the letter, I hid it away. A weapon to be used when the time was right.
“That was intense.” My eyes snapped to Khol leaning against the door frame, his pupils dilated as the anger radiated off me. Had he seen what I had been writing?
“Get out of my way, Khol.” My words were curt and passive, I didn’t have time to waste on pleasantries.
“What’s gotten into you?” he asked, noting the change in my demeanor. I ignored him, grabbing my belongings from around the room aggressively.
“Where are you going?” He lounged against the doorway; his arms crossed leisurely.
“I’m leaving.” I attempted to push past him, but he knocked me back softly, “Get. Out. Of. My. Way.” I spoke again, quiet threats laced between my words.
“No.” Khol smiled smugly. I ground my teeth as lightning sparked softly in my hands. Khol looked down at them and raised an eyebrow.
“Impressive,” he said sarcastically. I stepped closer to him.
“You wouldn’t know impressive if it hit you in the face,” I whispered. He stepped toward me, our chests brushing slightly.
“Is that right?” he whispered. I nodded; rage still hot in my chest.
“Khol,” I whispered. He hummed a response. “Move,” I pushed against him, but he didn’t budge. “Or are you going to kiss me again and then run away?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I touched a nerve. But instead of backing down like I thought he would, he didn’t balk.
“Is that what you think I did? You think I ran away?” He lifted his hand and twined a strand of my hair around his finger.
“Do you have a different explanation?”
“I didn’t want to distract you.” He tugged on the strand softly and my breathing hitched. “This is a very important time for you.”
“You think highly of yourself,” I said softly. “You don’t have the power to distract me.” I swallowed against my dry throat, knowing that my words were lies. He spun me quickly so that my back was flat against his chest, his arm caged around my chest. I began to argue but then I noticed the glowing light, every single candle in my room was alight.
“How did you do that? I thought…” I whispered softly.
“I didn’t do anything,” his lips murmured against my ear. “It was all you.” He tightened his grip around my chest. “They lit as soon as you saw me.” Shivers ran down my spine as his words ran over me.
“I suppose I do have some effect on you.” Annoyance spiked in my veins at the smug sound of his voice.
“Or maybe I don’t have control yet.”
“Oh, you definitely don’t have control yet.” He laughed softly behind me, and warmth pooled in my stomach.
“You’re doing a terrible job of distracting me, Khol.” I turned in his arms, his hand now splayed on the top of my back. “I’m still leaving.” I raised my eyebrows.
“Elijah will be crushed; he was so excited about finding you a dress for the ball.”
“I suppose he’ll have to get over it.” I attempted to pull out of Khol’s grasp, but he only held me tighter.
“You know I can’t let you leave,” his voice was solemn.
“You can’t stop me.”
“Don’t make me do this, Raya, I don’t want to do this,” he spoke softly.
“And I don’t want to die.” The words almost hurt to say, the truth always had a funny way of making its way out at some point or another.
“I’m not going to let that happen.”
“You can’t stop it, Khol, you couldn’t even save your—” I stopped the word before causing more pain that necessary.
“I couldn’t save my brother,” he repeated back to me. “You needn’t shy away from the words, Raya. I couldn’t save my brother, but I can help you save yourself.” He spoke solemnly, his hand loosening from my back. I did not move an inch.
I heaved a deep breath and finally stepped away from Khol’s touch. No matter how much I denied it, his touch and his presence distracted me, and I could not afford to break my concentration.
“I can’t stay,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around my middle.
“I know,” Khol spoke softly.
“And I can’t leave,” my voice was full of cracks and unfulfilled promises.
“I know.”
We remained still, staring at each other. Knowing that we couldn’t move from these positions without a decision being made. So, we stood, hundreds of unspoken words floating between us.