Chapter 3 #2
He realised he’d been holding his breath and exhaled.
“It’s not… It’d be easier if it were just about me and what I want.
If it wasn’t for the press and my… status.
” A sharp intake of air. “You know how Tristan and Mo scoff at the idea that I have some kind of responsibility? Well, I do. I grew up knowing that anything I did would reflect on the Crown, on my family. Even on the country.”
“With great power comes great responsibility?”
Startled, Joshua looked up to find Leo smiling at him, almost kindly. So not only did Leo recognise a Churchill quote, no, he also cited Spider-Man, thus adding another piece to an incomplete puzzle. Unless he’d been thinking of the Voltaire version, that was.
Joshua cocked his head. “Thank you, Uncle Ben. Or were you thinking of revolutionary France? In which case… The opposite of thank you, I guess.”
“Revolutionary France?”
“The quote dates back to Voltaire?” Joshua didn’t know why he made it sound like a question.
It was a habit his teachers had tried to rid him of—don’t ask; presume—but Joshua still tended to slip up when he was nervous.
Leo made him nervous. “So, you know, abolish the French monarchy. Kill them all because yay republic. Thought it might have been a dig.”
“Relax, Princeling.” Leo’s fork scraped over his plate. “I’m not looking to have you beheaded.”
“How reassuring.”
Little shit that he was, Leo grinned wide enough for his eyes to crinkle at the corners.
He assumed a gravelly tone of voice and a fantasy accent.
“You’re no good to me dead.” A moment later, his amusement faded and he laid down his fork.
“Let’s be real, though. The British love their monarchy, and one gay prince won’t change that.
Some will disapprove, some will be delighted, most won’t give a shit.
What’s the worst you think could happen?
Both on a personal and a… broader level. ”
Now this Joshua could answer. There was a good chance that he’d spent several days of his life picturing various horror scenarios.
“Rumours will be, like…” Briefly, he considered his choice of words.
This was a private conversation though, and Leo was his age.
“Rumours will have me fucking every guy I so much as talk to. People like Mo and Tristan will get a lot of shit just for being my friends.” Joshua glanced over, waiting for Leo to make a sarcastic remark about Joshua’s concept of friendship.
To his surprise he kept watching him, silent and serious.
After a few seconds had passed, Joshua continued. “And if I ever do end up dating someone—”
“When,” Leo corrected. “There’ll be guys queuing up the moment you’re considered available.”
“Sure. Because I’m a prince, and that seems like the stuff fairy tales are made of.
Just like all those girls who want to be my princess.
” Going by the way Leo’s eyes narrowed, it must have come out more bitter than Joshua had intended.
He shook his head. “But show me the guy who’ll stick around once the media calls on the hunt.
Once every past indiscretion is dragged out into the open, ex-boyfriends popping up to air the dirty laundry, telling stories that may or may not be true.
Show me the guy who loves me enough to—”
Abruptly, he broke off. His silly hopes and dreams were not part of this discussion.
It took a short while for Leo to answer. When he did, he sounded uncommonly solemn. “I see the problem.”
“Yeah. So.” Joshua tipped his face up into the sun, closing his eyes against the blinding brightness. Behind his lids, everything was warm and peaceful, calm.
When he picked up his fork again, his food had cooled considerably. He still wasn’t particularly hungry, but at least Leo seemed to enjoy himself, tucking in while a few minutes passed in quiet thought.
Leo ended the silence. “Did I mention that this is very good food?”
“You did. But thank you.” Joshua gave him a smile which Leo returned.
“Back to the topic at hand,” Leo said, and Joshua felt the smile slip from his face.
“That’s a valid concern in terms of how coming out would affect you personally.
Of course, your alternative is not dating at all, or having to go to great lengths to keep it secret.
Which…” He studied Joshua. “Maybe that’s all right for you.
Not everyone wants a relationship, right?
Just like some people want marriage and others don’t. ”
“I want to date.” Averting his eyes, Joshua pressed his lips together. “I want to hold hands and kiss someone in public. I want that. But maybe it’s just not in the cards for me.”
For a long moment, Leo didn’t respond. Then he nudged Joshua’s foot under the table, the contact brief and light. “Or maybe it is, you never know. What about the bigger picture? What’s keeping you up at night on a bigger scale?”
Joshua collected his thoughts. “I already mentioned how it might affect relations with other countries, right? And like, on top of that… We’re a huge business factor, you know?
The whole monarchy thing, it sets the country apart and draws large crowds of tourists.
There are all those”—he made a vague gesture—“fan articles and books and things, and it’s mostly made in China, but British companies are selling it.
And there’s the Royal Collection with, like, exclusive chinaware and linen sheets and Buckingham Palace jam.
There are charities under our patronage. There’s so much stuff.”
Leo let it settle for a few seconds, then he nodded.
“Again, I see your point.” His voice was quiet and confident.
“Let me reiterate, though, that the British love their monarchy. It’s a national identification thing, and there’ve been scandals far worse than a gay prince.
Even recently. Which,” he frowned, “is not to say that being gay is a bad thing.”
Except for how it was. In some people’s eyes, it was.
When Joshua didn’t react, Leo propped his chin on a fist and continued, watching him.
“Your parents’ divorce, for one. That was a bit of a thing and didn’t sit well with traditionalists.
Neither did you allegedly dating a woman ten years your senior.
Or your sister allegedly dating a guy four years younger and only just eighteen. ”
“That was such bullshit, though,” Joshua cut in. “Not that Jessica and I ever even dated, but if it had been the other way around? Like, me at thirty rumoured to be dating a twenty-year-old girl? People wouldn’t have cared half as much. Same for when Emmy dated Ashton. It’s just unfair, isn’t it?”
“Hey, you’re a feminist prince.” Leo’s tone conveyed delight.
His eyes were very blue. “I like it. And what I’m trying to say, Princeling, is that none of these things had much of an impact—if any.
I highly doubt that a gay prince could break the economy.
In fact, trust clever entrepreneurs to make the most of it, bring new stuff to the market.
” His grin was sudden and mischievous. “Like dildos that sing God Save the Queen when you turn them on. I should get that idea patented.”
Joshua stared for a beat, then he exhaled on a laugh. Really, it was hard to stay pessimistic when singing dildos came into play. Into play.
“You should definitely toy with the idea,” he said, fighting to keep a straight face.
Leo narrowed his eyes. “You didn’t.”
Joshua smiled a very toothy smile.
While Leo sighed, the brightness in his eyes betrayed amusement. “I fervently pray that someone else writes your speeches.”
“You’ve met George, haven’t you?”
“That I have.” Leo helped himself to a ginger nut biscuit and washed it down with orange juice, all the while studying Joshua with a thoughtful expression.
It felt as though he was trying to figure something out, and when he spoke, it was entirely devoid of humour.
“One thing I want to know, though… Has anyone ever told you that the public isn’t owed your perfection?
That you don’t have to conform to their standards?
Being forced into a role that doesn’t suit you just because of your DNA, that is every inch as wrong as the idea of privilege as a birthright. ”
“Just as much of a reality, though.” Joshua hesitated. “The truth of the matter is that I’m not supposed to be gay. It’s… an inconvenient plot twist.”
“It’s not a fucking flaw,” Leo said sharply.
“It is, in some people’s eyes.” Joshua went on quickly, before Leo had a chance to argue.
“Look, I’ve had to hide this for years. I guess it’s easier for you to be confident and proud.
” Or was it? Vaguely, Joshua recalled something Leo had said about costs, about knowing the costs, so he amended to, “Maybe, I wouldn’t know.
But I’ve been hiding this since I was sixteen.
Like a dirty secret, something to be ashamed of, and you can’t expect—it leaves a scar or two, you know? ”
Twelve seconds passed until Leo replied; Joshua knew because he counted them out in his head. “I think it’s hardly ever easy,” Leo said slowly. “But yes, I see how it may be harder for you than for most.”
Given Leo’s initial disdain, it was more than Joshua had expected. “Thank you,” Joshua told him. It came out a little stiff.
“Of course.” Leo raised a brow. “I’m not an arse, you know. I do try to understand.”
“Could have fooled me,” Joshua muttered. At Leo’s silence, he realised how that must have come across and looked up quickly. “Sorry. I mean, not now. I appreciate you being here, taking the time. But you were a bit of an arse the first time we met.”
“The first time we met, yeah.” There was a strange lilt to Leo’s voice, something almost self-deprecating that Joshua couldn’t read. “Sorry about that, I guess. The whole thing caught me by surprise.”