Chapter 9 #6
Leo’s ribs drew tight around his lungs, clenching down. So Joshua knew. He knew all of it. Why was he still asking when he already knew? Was this a test? Did he want to see Leo trip through the tale, punish him? Why was Joshua even here?
When Leo inhaled, he tasted metal. “You had fucking MI5 investigate me? That’s so bloody… Jesus Christ, fuck you, Joshua. How dare you? I thought you were—”
“There’d be no need if you’d just been honest,” Joshua cut in, and Leo took a step forward and raised his head, blood throbbing behind his forehead.
“That’s no fucking excuse, and you know it.
You make it sound like I forced you, which—no, fuck you.
You had no bloody right.” His hands were shaking so badly that he had to curl them into fists.
“It’s an abuse of privilege. Why the fuck are you here, why are you even asking me questions?
Didn’t your friends from MI5 already tell you everything there is to know?
” His voice shook as badly as his hands did, but there was nothing to be done about it.
“Hey, why not ask them to provide you with my DNA sample while you’re at it?
Health records? Bank statement? All yours for the taking, Your Highness. ”
“I wouldn’t!” Joshua drew himself up, eyes clearing, narrowing.
“I didn’t even—I just asked for some basic confirmation, and all I know is that you’re using a fake name.
That’s it. You don’t exist, and I have no idea where you come from, no idea whether you even have sisters like you told me, or whether that was all—”
“I didn’t lie to you,” Leo gritted out. His heart dropped. At least Joshua didn’t know where Leo had been, the decisions he couldn’t take back. “I never lied. It’s my fucking story, and there are a lot of things I didn’t tell you, but the things I did tell you? All true.”
“And I’m supposed to believe you—why?” Joshua gave a hollow laugh that was a wretched, twisted variation of the sound.
“You’ve been all about me coming clean, like you told me to be honest and proud and out, but you’re hiding behind all these walls.
Wear it like armour, like a fucking crown? God, you’re such a hypocrite.”
All warmth drained from Leo’s body. There was a blank moment when he couldn’t do anything but stare at Joshua, completely out of words. Then he sucked in a breath. “It’s not that easy.”
Something shifted in Joshua’s expression, everything about him sharpening. “Isn’t it?” he asked, and the question cut to the very marrow of Leo’s bones. Leo had never loved and hated him more, had never deserved him less.
Silence reigned for a moment, the ground swaying gently. The walls seemed to scuttle closer when Leo wasn’t looking.
Joshua ended it, his voice dark and tight. “So you… what? You were raised rich, and then your parents threw you out and you washed up on the streets? Is that it?”
Leo’s heart lurched in his chest. He didn’t reply. Couldn’t. All he could do was meet Joshua’s eyes and struggle to stay upright.
Joshua made a sudden move, lips parting around a shocked noise. “Because you were gay,” he said, no more than a whisper. “That’s why they threw you out, isn’t it? Because you didn’t fit into their shiny construct. Oh my God. You… So you were born a noble, then.”
Words. Leo needed to form words, sentences; he needed to… Needed to…
He stumbled back into the wall, felt it solid against his back. “How do you know? You just told me—”
“Finally fitting puzzle pieces together,” Joshua said, still in that broken whisper. His gaze was glued to Leo’s face. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
“Yes.” It was out before Leo could stop himself, before he could think. “You’re right.”
He was still disoriented from the aftershock when Joshua was suddenly there, right there, all up in Leo’s space and pulling him into a rough embrace.
Warm and real, and all Leo could do was sag into him, fighting to breathe.
Something quivered in his stomach, a spark of brightness, and oh God, Joshua knew.
Joshua knew, and he was still here. Leo should be scared, should be fucking terrified that Joshua would figure out the rest, but right now, there was nothing but deep relief thrumming in Leo’s veins.
Turning his face into Joshua’s neck, he inhaled deeply. He didn’t dare bring up his arms to pull Joshua closer, everything too fragile and uncertain, his sense of balance destroyed.
Again, it was Joshua who broke the silence.
“You know what I also remembered? Like, just now. So you were a noble, and, like…” His words ghosted across Leo’s temple, rumbling in his stomach and making it difficult to focus on what Joshua was saying.
“There was this teacher at Eton, like, the bloke who coached the football team? His name was Graham. And maybe it’s a coincidence, but—I didn’t really come to the games, but I just remembered that—I’m probably imagining this? ”
Leo forced himself to hold still. Behind his lids, everything was dark and calm, and the room finally stopped spinning. His voice sounded frayed though. “Imagining what?”
“One of the strikers…” Joshua hesitated, time suspended.
“I think he was called Leo. And he looked a bit like you, I think. Like, mainly the eyes. There was an interview in The Chronicle. I must have been, like, fifteen because it was just after I’d realised I kind of liked guys.
And I actually—I looked for the guy in the hallways, but—”
“I’d already left,” Leo interrupted. Then Joshua’s words caught up with him, the way he’d sounded a little embarrassed, and… Joshua had looked for him in the hallways?
“So you really did attend Eton?” Joshua pulled back, enough so that he could stare at Leo. He looked astonished, eyes big and so green, lips parted just slightly. Leo wanted to kiss him. Always, always.
Leo swallowed. “I was certain you wouldn’t recognise me.
I’ve changed a lot, and I was two years above you and Tristan.
Also, we moved in different circles, and there were way more than a thousand boys at Eton, so…
” It felt as though Leo’s skin might peel off—just break open at the seams and come down, like old wallpaper.
Still Joshua was staring at him, and after a moment, Leo continued.
“When I arrived in London, I didn’t have much use for a last name that was easy to connect to a noble title, you know?
Not that I had much use for a last name in general, but—anyway.
Coach Graham, he’d always been kind. I was a bit of a troublemaker in class, and Graham was…
There weren’t that many adults who took me seriously.
So whenever I needed a full name… It made sense to pick something positive. ”
It had felt strange at first, and Leo had practised his signature on scraps of paper until it hadn’t looked quite so childish anymore, until it had come easily. He still remembered the first time he’d used it on an official form, how worried he’d been in spite of James’ promise of a clean slate.
“That’s so—Jesus.” Slowly, Joshua shook his head. One of his hands was still resting on Leo’s shoulder, and Leo abruptly remembered that he was sweaty and dirty. He probably looked a mess.
He took a step to the side and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Sorry,” he said. “I was playing football ‘cause it’s what I do when everything else sucks. Now I got you all…” He didn’t finish, simply gestured at Joshua’s silk shirt, unbuttoned over a blue T-shirt. Fuck, he looked good.
Joshua blinked, gaze tracking down Leo’s body and lingering on his thighs. Distant heat collected in Leo’s stomach, and maybe they could…? Just once more, just once.
“Did you really have a crush on me?” Joshua asked into Leo’s thoughts. “At Eton?”
Leo swallowed around what he hoped would pass for a self-deprecating grin.
“It was abstract. I didn’t know you back then, so it wasn’t very…
real. Mostly I just saw you in the hallways, and you were famous and really bloody cute, seemed nice enough.
I suppose I projected things onto you.” For a moment, Leo paused, considering.
He’d revealed so much already, and there was one thing that he wouldn’t—that he couldn’t reveal, but…
everything else was fair game. Joshua deserved whatever truth Leo could offer.
Leo’s lungs felt too full, ready to burst, as though he’d been underwater for a while and was desperate to break the surface. Joshua deserves this.
“Back then,” Leo said quietly, “I didn’t know you. Now I do, and that’s why I’m in love with you.”
Joshua’s head shot up, cheeks flushing. “You’re in love with me?” Surprise shone clear through his voice, and then his eyes brightened, so much hope. Oh shit, what had Leo done? He never should have said that.
“It doesn’t matter,” he croaked. Still he couldn’t look away from Joshua.
“Of course it matters,” Joshua said, so utterly convinced, a smile starting to spread across his face as he moved to reach for Leo.