Senior Year Part Two
The roar of the crowd is loud as I walk across the stage, my neck weighed down with the medals I was presented with and the colorful stoles wrapped around my neck.
The Superintendent shakes my hand, offering me a rolled up piece of paper in place of my diploma, which will be coming in the mail in a few weeks.
My footsteps are heavy as I cross the metal platform, each step is a siren blaring to let me know the future is upon me. And I’m still not ready.
Raiden is called not too long after I’m back in my seat, and I stand up and whoop loudly for him.
His face blushes under the makeup he has on, I can see it starting to spread down his chest through the small open gap of his graduation gown.
I can hear our parents in the crowd, both sets screaming at the tops of their lungs in excitement.
This is it, what we’ve been waiting for since we started freshman year. Graduation.
The rest of the ceremony passes by slowly, each distinguished speaker taking their time and wasting their words.
None of us are listening, we’re all too keyed up about the future to listen to them tell us what we should do and how we should do it.
That’s the joy of becoming an adult, you can make your own choices and decisions.
Fuck up along the way and learn from every mistake made.
We’re told to throw our caps in the air and to celebrate ourselves for our accomplishments.
Chaos ensues as my classmates hoot and holler, running and barreling into their friends.
Tears are shed and hugs are shared. I navigate my way through the plethora of people, looking for one person. My person.
There he is, standing shorter than most of the graduating class even in the heeled shoes he picked out specially for today.
His smile is wide as he sees me, and I’m hyper aware of the rise in my pulse as I make my way closer to him.
A string connecting us and never letting me stray too far from him, all I have to do is follow it and it will lead me right back to him.
“Hi,” he says, the eyeliner that was strategically lined before we left my house is now smudged at the corners, emphasizing his dark, blown irises.
Happiness radiates from every pore of him, washing me in his light.
Cleansing me in his own special version of a storm.
Something only he can do and something only I can experience.
It’s a religious experience, feeling his emotions in this way.
He is my deity and I will spend every moment blessed that he has bestowed this upon me.
“Hi,” I whisper back. Overwhelmed with all of the emotions running through me.
He tips his head up, extending his jaw and showing off the tight muscles of his neck. I want to bend down and bite him, suck his supple skin in my mouth until I leave my mark behind so he knows he’s mine. And so everyone else will know he’s mine.
I’m bending before I realize it, and our lips touch. The soft breath of his exhale smells like the cotton candy gum he was chewing on as we exited my parents car. His lips are soft against mine, the lip gloss he’s wearing is sticky.
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I don’t want to pull away. And I don’t want him to pull away. We sit there, with our lips pressed together as the world keeps spinning around us.
He moves, and I grab his small waist in my hands keeping him close to me. I never want to let him out of my sight. Raiden doesn’t try to step back though, instead he cocks his head a little to the side, rubbing his nose against the side of my nose.
His tongue sneaks out, and rubs against my lips.
The same way I’ve watched him do countless times before but I’ve never experienced for myself.
I gasp, the gentle touch causes a physical reaction from me and I need him closer to me.
I want to consume him, to always be able to have him however I want him.
My mouth parts, and his tongue rubs against the inside of my lips, taking my DNA and mixing it with his in a heady concoction.
I groan deep in my chest. This, this is the feeling the other guys on the football team were chasing when they told me they needed something to help them feel.
That’s what Raiden is doing for me, especially right now.
Raiden makes me feel more than I ever thought possible. In all aspects. From the first day I met him.
I nibble on his lip, drawing the sensitive skin into my mouth and pull the blood to the surface.
The dark clouds above us open up with a peal of thunder, the loud sound masking the beginning of the rain starting to fall in thick droplets.
One hits me in the forehead, trailing down my skin and cooling off the overheated skin.
Too soon, people start scattering around us and we’re left in our own little bubble. His mouth against mine until I hear the unmistakable gasp of my mother.
I don’t want to move. I don’t want to move and break this gentle moment between us.
Raiden has more strength than I do, and he pulls away. His eyes are wide as he stares at me with pink flushed cheeks and his lips are red from our kissing. He looks perfect all the time, but with his makeup running and his face showing signs of our desire, I’ve never seen him look more beautiful.
Raiden takes another step back, looking from me to my mom, and back to me. He rubs his fingertips across his lips, tracing the same patterns my mouth just did.
“Rai-,” I start, but he takes a step back. The look of pleasure from a moment ago has completely disappeared. In its place is a look of terror, the emotion is so intense it feels like a kick in the chest.
He turns his head from left to right, quickly scanning the crowd. “I’ve gotta go, I need to find my parents.”
“Raiden,” I tried again, my voice pleading with him to give me a minute.
He doesn’t listen, he doesn't acknowledge that I need him to stay with me. Just for a moment, just until I figure out what the heck happened. He flees, running fast enough through the storm that all I can see is his black graduation gown floating behind him.
I finally look at my mom, and I wish I hadn’t.
Pity lines her face and she reaches out to wrap me in a hug, both of our clothes are soaked from the rain but she doesn’t rush me.
When her phone starts ringing in her purse, she pulls it out and stares down at it a moment before she puts it back from where she fetched it from.
“Dad’s got the car out front, you ready?”
Am I ready? I look across the football field, taking in that this will be the last time I’m on this field. This is the last time I’ll ever be a high school student.
I nod my head, with more confidence than I’m feeling. My mom keeps her arm around me as we walk to the front entrance of the stadium in silence. I can’t muster any words for a conversation.
Getting in the truck, my dad cranks up the heat to war off the chill from the rain and drives us away. I watch the concrete stadium walls grow smaller in the distance, and feel my heart cracking in my chest every mile I put between myself and that moment I shared with Raiden.
I didn't hear from Raiden that night. Or the next day. Or the one after that. His bedroom blinds were shut, effectively keeping me out from seeing him and what he’s going through.
My texts sat unanswered in my messages, every pleading word pathetic but I messed up.
I fucked up, horribly. And all I want to do is fix it, for him to give me a chance to fix this between us.
I miss my best friend, and this feels like the situation with Josh all over again.
Except this time we won’t have school as a buffer to force us together.
Our family trip is next weekend, and I need to patch things up before we are both stuck in the car together in awkward silence.
I can write the kiss off if that’s what he needs to do.
It was my first kiss, and it was special because it was with him, but it doesn’t have to mean anything more than that.
It can be a meaningful time shared between two friends.
In a way, I’m grateful it was him that I experienced it with.
Someone who I trust and that I love. We might have had our ups and downs, but we’ve always worked through them. We’ll work through this.
Next weekend comes, and I’m loading my duffle bag into the back of my parents car. I wave to Ema and Rodney as they start over to our house, dragging their suitcases down the sidewalk, the resounding click, click,click, of the wheels across every crack in the concrete.
“Where’s Raiden?” I ask, attempting to come off nonchalantly. I glance at Rodney and see the disapproving frown on his face as he looks at Ema to answer my question.
“Josh is in town, so he’s staying home so they can catch up.”
A gunshot goes off in my head, or maybe the ground under my feet actually cracked open and the inner core of the earth is waiting to suck me down into its molten grips.
Either one of those options would be less pain than I actually feel aching in my chest. After everything, after our kiss, he’s replacing me.
Again. Choosing to spend his time with the guy he told me treated him badly.
Maybe kissing him was a mistake. I made him uncomfortable and ruined our friendship for two seconds of pure bliss.
Nausea bubbles in my stomach, and I bypass Ema and Rodney and run into my house.
I barely make it to the toilet before I’m heaving, the water that I drank earlier burning my esophagus on its way back up with the bile coasting my stomach.
I sit back, resting my head on the wall across from the toilet and stare at the sink, watching the slow drip, drip, of the leaky faucet.
Does the faucet know that it's not working the way it should?
That it's letting the water pass through when it's supposed to be cut off?
My dad knocks on the frame of the door, peeking his head in to check on me.
“I’ll be fine, just give me a few minutes,” I say, attempting to push myself off the unforgiving floor. He doesn’t look convinced, but he leaves me to it and shuts the door on his way out.
I rinse out my mouth and splash cold water on my face. The water runs down my arms and splatters against the counter, creating puddles of liquid I’ll need to clean up.
I forced Raiden right back into the arms of the person he confided in me about, I listened to him as he grieved about the relationship he had wanted and lost.
I stare at myself in the mirror, not recognizing myself. When I was younger I prided myself on my stable mindset, when everyone else would get upset I wouldn’t. I didn’t see a reason to let emotions overrun what I knew logically.
Logic isn’t making sense to me right now, and as I wipe up the mess I’ve made, I come to the one conclusion that makes the most sense.
It was always the way my life was supposed to be, and no amount of believing and trying to reason would change it.
I thought that I could never live without Raiden by my side, but I’ve already done it once. What’s one more time?
The permanence of the situation hits me in the chest, but I massage the ache away. I repeat the words I used to say to myself in the comfort of my room, the knowledge that no matter where I moved or what I did, my circumstances would never change.
Out in the driveway, I climb into the very back seat, buckling myself in and waiting for everyone else to join us. I stare out the window, watching all the tall trees and bright green grass fly by us in a blur.
On the last day in the cabin, I announced my plans.
Watching my mom’s face crumble as she processed the words I had spoken into the quiet.
It was a bomb dropped that could have been avoided, but that’s the thing about war.
It isn’t always rational, and sometimes things are destroyed in retaliation when nothing else is working the way you want it to.
My dad has tears in his eyes as well, but a proud smile on his face as he stands behind me and massages his hands into my shoulders.
“Proud of you, son.” He leans down and kisses the crown of my head, before rubbing his knuckles against the same spot and mussing up the dark locks. “We’ll have to get you a haircut before you go.”