Chapter 21 Jericho
JERICHO
This is a special circle of hell, one that was created for me, and me alone.
I don’t know how to respond to Raiden’s blatant statement, so I do what I do best. Nothing.
I don’t acknowledge his words. Not when I pull into the apartment complex.
Not when I park my truck. Not when I open the door to my place and let him see it for himself.
There’s not much for him to see. A grey cloth couch in front of a TV, with an array of blankets lining the back because I never put them up when the guys came over.
My kitchen is to the left, filled with stainless steel appliances.
A hallway that leads to my bedroom and separate bathroom.
It’s not much, but it's mine. The walls are bare, and the only thing on my mantel is my clock and a framed picture of me and my parents when they came to my graduation.
“This is…” Raiden starts, trailing his fingers across the blanket.
I can see the trails his fingers are leaving in the fabric.
I want to hide it away, frame it and keep it for a rainy day after he leaves me again.
Because he will leave me. I can kid myself all I want, but him coming over tonight changes nothing between us.
It’ll stay the same constant pushing and pulling until one of us breaks.
“Not up to your standards, you’re probably used to lavish penthouses and over the top decor.” I try not to sound bitter, I really do, but it's hard when I’m seeing him standing in my living room. I shouldn’t feel like I’m tainting him by just existing in the same place as him.
“I wasn’t going to say that,” Raiden snaps, whirling around to confront me. He looks like a pissed off kitten with his face scrunched like that. “Quit assuming the worst of me.”
“It's hard not to when it feels like I don’t know you anymore.” I bite out and he flinches, physically recoiling from my words as if they’re causing him pain.
“You’re right. Can we start over? Please? There’s a lot we need to talk about.” He stays at the edge of the couch, tugging on the edge of the blue blanket and knotting it in his hands.
“So talk.” I shrug my shoulders like I couldn’t give a fuck either way, but its not true. I want to know. I want to know what caused the riff between us to begin with, and if after all this time he is really home.
“Can we sit first? I’d rather be sitting, gotta save my strength for hard conversations.
” His attempt at a joke falls flat, but he doesn’t wait for me as he rounds the couch and sits on the edge closest to the wall.
I take the opposite end, tucking one foot under my body and stretching my prosthetic out in front of me.
“So…”
I quirk an eyebrow at him, waiting for his cue for what he’s going to say next.
“I want to apologize first. I treated you like shit, time and time again. I’m grateful that you always had my back, but now I know that it wasn’t fair to you.
” He’s right, it wasn’t fair to me. I would have done anything for Raiden, and when I think of our memories now, they’re tainted because of everything that has brought us to this moment.
“Do you remember freshman year? Our first day?” Raiden asks, and I nod silently. Reminiscing on it now won’t do me any good, but he seems perfectly fine with dredging up the past.
“You held my hand, and it was the best feeling in the world. I had thought you were so cute when I first saw you.. When you moved in next door. But getting to hang out with you was different. You were my best friend but I was starting to feel things for you. More than friends normally do.” He coughs, a little scuffing sound coming out of the back of his throat and he smiles at me apologetically.
“But then when people started asking you if we were dating, you vehemently told them they were wrong. You told anyone who brought it up that we were only friends. That we would never be anything more than friends.”
I remember saying that, because the guys on the football team used to give me shit about it. I didn’t know that he had heard me saying those things. I wasn't being negative about him, just about us being together. It was a constant thing and I was tired of having to repeat the same thing everyday.
“And then when we went to Josh’s party, he told me that you said he should ‘shoot his shot.’ Those were the exact words he said to me.”
My blood boils in the veins underneath my skin, the current of emotions running rampant and threatening to hold me under.
“I never said that,” my voice is gruff and his depressed chuckle doesn't make me feel any better.
“I know that now, but I didn’t then. He made it seem like you were the one pushing us together, like you were trying to be cupid or something.
I thought he was cute, but I really wanted you.
But you wouldn’t have me, so I thought Josh would do.
” He twists his hand in front of him, curling and uncurling them while he nibbles on his bottom lip and I watch him.
Tears burn the backs of my eyes. I never knew that and the more I think about it the more I want to punch Josh square in the face.
“What about my 16th birthday?” I ask, hoarsely.
“Josh said you invited him, and he wanted to be by my side the whole time because that’s how he was.”
I knew things were bad with Josh, Raiden had said that the first time all those years ago. I never thought Josh would stoop to that level, but it's Raiden’s words against his. Is Raiden playing me like a fool this time? Trying to see if I’ll jump to his defense like I did back then?
“Can I take a break for a minute before we finish talking? I need a beer and a cookie or I’m going to end up croaking over here.” He stands up, grabbing his bag from where he dropped it by the front door. “If you’ve got the beer, I’ve got the cookies. I used our old recipe.”
“With the semi-sweet chips?” I ask instinctually, standing up and going to the kitchen to get us both a beer while he digs around his bag. When I come back, he’s placing the movie into the DVD player and his tupperware container of cookies is on my coffee table.
I offer him the beer, watching his Adam's apple bob as he takes a long swig.
“Thanks,” he says, sitting back on the couch but pulling the cookies closer to the edge so he can reach them.
I scoot closer to him, only to be able to reach the cookies though.
I grab one, taking a bite. The savoury taste of brown butter and sea salt with the sweet chocolate is heaven in my mouth.
We eat the cookies in silence and I let my brain roll over the new information that I have.
I thought Raiden invited Josh to my birthday, the one they were all over each other the entire time and there was nothing I could do but watch.
Josh was a manipulative asshole, and I should have known from the moment he started asking me questions about Raiden.
There should have been warning bells dinging in my head, warning me of the danger to come.
But hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz, and there’s nothing I can do about it now.
The commercials before the movie start, and I lean over to mute them, enjoying the silence before we get to the harder part of this conversation. There’s so many questions I’ve wanted the answer to. So many things that I’ve wanted to know.
Raiden clears his throat, and sets his empty beer bottle on the table. I finish mine off with one long pull and set it parallel to his. “I’m gonna grab another.”
“Might as well grab the pack, we’re going to need it.” I don’t actually have a pack, I chose to be fancy and take them all out of the cardboard box. But I understand his need all the same. We’re going to need to feel good and loose for the rest of this conversation.
I walk back to the living room with my arms full of beer bottles, and Raiden stands up to help me so I don’t drop them. When we’re both situated, the two of us sharing the middle couch cushion and drinking our beer and munching on cookies until Raiden breaks the silence.
“I’m sorry about running away, after graduation. It was a shitty thing to do.”
The alcohol flowing through my body helps the next words out, “Not as shitty as you going back to Josh.”
He’s quiet, until I hear a small sniffle and turn my head to look at him. He has two tracks running down his face, the liquid diamonds flowing with no sense of reprieve. His choked sobs are loud in the quiet, and I rush to wrap my arms around him. To try and alleviate his pain.
“I lied.”
My world stops spinning for a minute, or maybe it’s the beer going to my head faster than I think it is. I mentally try to catalog when I ate last because maybe that’s my problem right now. I lean back and try to center myself. His brown eyes look even darker right now red rimmed.
“You? What?”
“Lied, I lied. Josh didn’t come home. I didn’t want to spend time with him instead of going on our family trip.
I was scared. I ran away from you because I was scared, Jer.
I didn’t want to see the look of disappointment or regret or whatever it was that you were going to feel after the kiss.
I couldn’t bear to see it. So I lied, and you all went on the trip while I laid in bed the whole week and cried.
When you got back, you refused to see me and before I knew it you were gone. ”
“I don’t understand. What are you saying right now?” That I left for no reason? I joined the military and left this town to get away from him, but if I would have stayed we could have worked it out. We could have had the chance to be together? No. No. I refuse to believe that. I can’t believe that.
Did I like serving in the military? Not really, but I learned a lot and I gained a lot from it. Friends that I consider brothers, a stable job, life lessons.
A missing leg, my inner conscious whispers and I shove it away. I don’t need the negative reminders right now.
“I didn’t meet up with Josh. It was a lie I told my parents so I didn’t have to go. But then when you got back, my mom told me about your decision for the military. I wanted to talk you out of it, to convince you to stay. It was too late though.”
“But you and Josh–” I start, not sure where all of that fits in with this.
Because he still married Josh, even after everything he’s told me, that’s a fact that can’t be disputed.
Raiden shrugs his shoulders and rubs his fists underneath his eyes, catching the remaining tears that refuse to stop falling.
“We still got married–there was history between us. I reverted back to my feelings from high school. If I couldn’t have you I would have to settle for someone else.”
I want to scream and rage. I want to go back in time and remake every decision that has led us to this point.
“That’s why I asked you if you loved him,” Raiden says so quietly that I almost miss it.
I crack open another beer for me, and for him. Taking a minute to absorb all of this information.
“And when you said no, I thought I might have a chance.” He moves closer to me, his full body pressing against mine.
The warmth of him cocoons me in a sense of false hope.
He crawls into my lap, and I’m too weak to push him off.
I let him situate himself, feeling the curve of his ass digging into my lap.
This is wrong. This is all wrong.
But I’m a weak man when it comes to Raiden. A selfish one that is guaranteed to make every bad decision as long as I get to have him close to me.
It's reckless and dangerous, putting everything I’ve worked for on the line.
Yet, even as he leans in until we’re sharing the same sweet breath I don’t pull away.