Chapter 23 Jericho #2
I don’t know. The words are on the tip of my tongue, because truly I don’t know how or why I’m still wanting him to be in my life after all of this. Maybe it’s because somewhere deep inside of me I knew that Raiden wouldn’t truly leave me behind. Not if he knew what was going on.
How can I fault him for something that could have been so easily avoidable if I wouldn't have built up the wall to keep him out right before I deployed? If he wouldn’t have run away from me at graduation.
If both of us wouldn’t have been scared to see what was right in front of us the whole time.
We could have talked, and then I wouldn’t have left and he wouldn’t have married Josh.
Life is full of what ifs though, and none of those do me any good now.
“I hate myself right now, Jer. I despise what I put you through and now I’m putting you in a horrible spot again between you and your boyfriend.
” The mention of Liam makes me freeze, the uncomfortable feeling churning in my gut while I look at the man who is most definitely not my boyfriend as I have these all encompassing feelings.
“What happens between me and Liam isn’t your fault,” I tell him sincerely. He owes no loyalty to Liam. I do, and because of that I’m going to fix it. I can’t string Liam along while fighting my true feelings for Raiden. It’s not fair to anyone.
“But if I wouldn't have asked you if you’re in love with him or kissed you the other night, you two would be happy.” His tone is indignant and he’s dropped his gaze to my chest. He’s pouting, because he doesn’t want me to be happy with Liam. He wants me to be happy with him.
“Tell me what you want from me.” I grab his chin in my hand and lightly squeeze his cheeks together. His lips purse and I fight the urge to kiss him.
“What do you mean?” He asks and his words come out muffled because of my grip on him.
“What do you want from me? Is this something casual, something you can forget about when you go back to California or wherever you were before? Or is this something more?” Please god, let it be more.
It’s already more for me, but I need the promise from him that he’s not going to run at the first sign of hard times.
“Not casual.” He shakes his head, the soft tendrils of his hair brushing across my hand and I let go of his cheeks to tuck the strands behind his ear.
The gem from his cartilage piercing twinkles underneath my bedroom light.
I trace the shell of his ear, taking in the soft skin.
“I want more, I just don’t know what that looks like. ”
“You don’t have to know what it looks like right now, but I’m not going to risk the life I’ve built since I’ve been back if all you’re asking for is a quick fuck or whatever else it is that you could be looking for.
” I don’t think I could stand it if all he needed from me was a strong shoulder to lean on until he figures out his own life.
Is that what this is right now? His life is in shambles but he’s always been able to rely on me.
“I’m not leaving, not again. I’m not going back to California either. I quit, so I’m looking for something to do around here. That’s something else I needed to talk to you about…” He drags off and smiles at me with an embarrassed half smile.
He what? He quit his job, his lucrative job, dancing and doing what he loves, to come back here.
There’s something else brimming under the surface but I don’t know what it is.
Surely he didn’t do this just because of the divorce from Josh.
They’ve been separated for a year, it shouldn’t have made that big of a difference when Raiden actually announced it.
“I wasn’t happy, not anymore. I used to love dancing, but over the past few years it's become a chore. Creating choreography on the spot, having to tweak every minor thing until it’s something I don’t recognize anymore.
I lost all freedom I had to just dance. I want my freedom back.
I want to buy a house, make it a home like the one i grew up in.
Full of laughter and love. I want a room where I can dance in, without prying eyes or anyone expecting more from me.
I want to dance… ” The last part is barely a whisper, a hint of vulnerability in the safe space of my room.
I yank his body up, so his eyes are even with mine. I turn on my side and throw my leg over him, pulling him in close to me.
“My tiny dancer,” I say. I can’t fight the need any longer. I want to kiss away his tears, worship him with my mouth and my body until he no longer has a reason to cry.
I kiss him. Pressing our lips together and taste the salty remnants of his tears and something that is uniquely him. Only Raiden. My tongue traces his lips, leaving behind a trace of me on him. Something for him to carry around even if he doesn’t know it yet.
I want to crack open my soul and let him crawl in so I can keep him safe and warm from the harsh world. If all he wants to do is dance, I’ll spend every breath I have making sure he can do that.
Our mouths war against each other, the want and the need to consume each other. To never let him out of my sight again and keep him in this room ready and waiting for me. To make up for all the time we’ve been apart.
I roll onto my back, and bind my arms behind him to roll him with me. He lands on my chest with a small oomph and I take the cue to explore his wet, compliant mouth.
“Wait,” Raiden groans against my mouth and I let go of him immediately, pulling back to look at him. His lips are swollen from my kisses, and his eyes are closed, dark lashes resting against flushed cheeks.
“What’s wrong? Did I do something?”
“No, it was perfect. You’re perfect. I just know we stopped earlier because you said…”
Awh fuck, he’s right. It’s not fair to Raiden to have me here with him, when he doesn't truly have all of me.
“I’ll talk to him, I promise,” I vow to him, pulling him back close to me and guiding his head to rest on my chest, right above my heart, where he can hear it beating quietly for him.
I stroke my hands through Raiden’s hair as he traces his fingers across my collarbone, rubbing the hard bone until his fingers start to slow down. Even when I’m sure he’s dozed off, I don’t stop petting him. I never want this feeling to go away.
The overheard light still shines, keeping Raiden’s skin glowing even through the dark night and the storm raging outside my window.
“Goodnight, tiny dancer,” I whisper beside his ear as my eyes drift shut.