Chapter 43 #2
My body clock wakes me early the next morning, and I stumble half-asleep down to the yard.
It’s only when I’m nearly to the weapons cabinet that I realise Zelle will not be waiting for me.
The knowledge is like a sledgehammer to the heart, and the pain only increases at the sight of Kyor sleeping by the cabinet, an empty bottle in his hand and a few other empties alongside him.
I hesitate for just a beat before waking him.
‘You can’t sleep here,’ I say, noting the red rim of his eyes. ‘You’ll freeze.’
I help him to his feet, but it’s not easy and he sways dangerously as I try to find my balance to hold him upright. Finally, I’ve got him in a position I can handle, with an arm wrapped around his waist, and using more force than seems kind, I tug him forward. Apparently, it’s my turn to lead.
It’s slow going out of the yard, and he toys with my hair as we stagger together. I let him, mostly because wrestling free would mean dropping him flat on the floor.
After what feels like one of the most intense workouts I’ve had so far, I get him into the warmth of the barracks.
The question is where to go next. There are plenty of seats in the dining hall, but the last thing he needs is for the other Rettlings to see him in this state.
Most will understand, but undoubtedly some will see his compassion as weakness.
I could take him to the dorms, but manoeuvring him up the stairs feels even more daunting than getting him inside.
The kitchen downstairs, however? Food and water would be his friend, and I could stand in front of him as we head down to ensure he doesn’t fall.
‘Such a pretty Rose,’ he murmurs, his fingers winding a little too tightly in my icy-blonde hair, making my scalp prickle. ‘So beautiful,’ he whispers.
If he keeps saying things like that, I might have to forgive him for all the tangles he’s making.
It’s early, even for the kitchen staff, but one person is already working downstairs, though she stops the moment she sees us.
‘Oh, Ky,’ Leilah gasps. ‘It’s all right, my boy. It’s all right.’
Without so much as a glance at me, she pulls him into her arms. His weight sags into her and his shoulders shudder as he allows his tears to tumble free.
For all his power, all his posturing, the sound that escapes him is nothing more than a broken sob.
He isn’t untouchable, isn’t carved from stone. He’s just a man, fragile and aching, stumbling through grief like the rest of us.
Feeling like I’m intruding, I silently slip away, scrubbing away tears that I didn’t even realise were falling.
From the hanging heads at breakfast, I think it’s fair to assume that Kyor isn’t the only one nursing a serious hangover, though whether the other Rettlings were drinking to celebrate their survival or to forget the traumas they’ve had to endure so far is anyone’s guess.
Later that day, the battle yard is close to empty as Llinos and I spar together.
As great a job as the healers have done on her injury, she struggles to even block using that arm, and for the first time ever I have to hold back to give her a chance.
Some of it might come from me getting stronger, of course, but it’s definitely not that alone.
‘Three more trials,’ Llinos says, swinging her sword at me.
‘Technically two and then the Ofur,’ I reply.
‘I’m trying to think of it as just another trial. I mean, I can’t imagine it’s going to be worse than the others.’
‘Can’t imagine or don’t want to?’ I sass.
‘Oh, definitely don’t want to.’ She grins at me.
She swings at me again and this time gets a decent strike across my ribs.
I’ve been distracted more than I’d like during our fight as my eyes keep falling on the tallies etched into the wall.
I’m too far away to take them in clearly, but it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t forget they’re there.
That I can’t seem to tear my mind away from the prince, no matter how hard I try.
‘How long before the next trial, do you think?’ I restart the conversation in the hope that it’ll stop me thinking about Kyor. ‘Surely they’ll want to give us all time to heal fully before they hit us with the next one.’
‘Who knows? I’m hoping for as long as possible though, because the healers said they’ve done as much as they can for my arm and now it just needs time. And if I have to fight like this …’ She presses her lips together, unable to finish. Not that she needs to.
‘There might not even be any fighting in the next one.’ I’m clutching at straws, trying to find something to comfort her. ‘We’re also meant to use our heads for the trials, right? Maybe it’ll be something logical. You’re great at strategic thinking.’
‘Maybe,’ she replies, though she doesn’t look convinced.
If anything, her nervousness seems to grow.
‘There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.
I feel really, really shit about it, and it might not even happen, but I think we need to be prepared for it.
But I don’t want you to be pissed, because it’s not an insult, it’s just … ’
I stop swinging and look at her.
‘You want to spit it out?’
She takes a deep breath in. ‘There’s almost always a trial near the end when they make us act in pairs. And we decided before we came in that I would be with Loch and Benny would work with Jai, but now … well …’
Once again, there’s no need for her to finish the sentence. She’ll work with Benny. Of course she will.
‘It’s fine. Really,’ I tell her. And it is, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to myself that there’s the tiniest sting of disappointment.
‘I just feel crap,’ she says. ‘And I want to be clear that it’s not because you don’t have powers or anything. It’s really not that.’
‘I get it. I promise.’ I do, but it doesn’t stop the heavy weight that drops in my stomach. Or the reminder that even though I’ve got this far, I’m still less than the rest of them.
‘If it comes to pairs, I’m sure I can go with Jonas. He’ll love the chance to tell me to stay back.’
She lets out a nervous laugh. ‘Yeah, true.’
‘Really, Llin. It’s fine.’
‘Thank you.’ This time her smile is more genuine as she whips up a spiral of sand with her hand. ‘It’s weird being able to use magic in here. Feels wrong.’
Shit. I hadn’t even thought about that. Without Zelle to siphon the Rettlings, the battle yard is going to become even more dangerous. And that’s saying something.
‘Fuck. I guess that means Holden’ll be in charge of all the sessions now.’
This knowledge causes a far deeper churning in my gut than the idea of Llin pairing up with Benny. Holden has already used ‘training’ as an excuse to try to kill me once. With Zelle gone, he’ll have unlimited opportunities.
I guess I’ll be training in the empty dorms again.
Llinos stops playing with the magic in the air and starts moving her feet again, only to stop mid-step at the sound of approaching voices.
‘Yeah, maybe it’s time we cut this short for the day.’ She gestures to the gateway where Zara, Oke, and Mattieu are striding towards us.
If I had to bet on which three of Zara’s little group would survive, it probably would be them.
But it’s funny how the last couple of weeks have changed things.
Changed me. I feel stronger. Tougher. Comfortable?
Maybe. Definitely not a runt. I’ve made it this far, and there’s no reason to believe I can’t make it to the end.
But they look tougher too, though in a more weathered way.
Physically, their skin looks tired and worn, with bags under their eyes and countless scars, with Zara’s burn mark from our first meeting still prominent. They look like the Retterheld is breaking them, not making them.
They’ve lived a life of privilege where death was just some honourable passage to eternal darkness.
But watching friends and family die, stripped of life because they volunteered for a gifting driven by ambition rather than need, is something else entirely.
That kind of loss changes you, especially if this is the first time they’ve ever truly seen what the world can take.
Once again, my eyes flick to the tally on the wall.
‘Excellent. Fighting fodder.’ Zara grins.
I open my mouth to respond, only for my jaw to lock in pain. I only got cuts and scrapes in the last trial, but them opening all at once like that was a shock I didn’t expect. If she goes back to the fight with the jotunn, then that’s going to be tougher to deal with.
Fuck! A fresh spike of pain slices through my ribs. We’re on to older wounds too, then.
‘Stop it!’ Llinos has both her sword and a hand raised at Zara and the others. ‘This is not what Zelle would have wanted.’
A scoff. ‘You really think I give a fuck what Zelle would have wanted? That old man was nothing. Siphons are a drain. That type of magic is a farce. Where’s the real strength in it?’
‘Did you just fucking question the strength of a man who died saving the life of the king?’ Kyor’s voice cuts through the air, low and dangerous.
He stands leaning against the wall with his sleeves rolled up and his feet bare, yet another glass bottle swinging loosely in his hand. Dammit, he must have got away from Leilah. I suppose even she can’t stop a prince if he’s determined to get really fucking drunk.
His attention lingers on me for a moment before he looks back at Zara.
His voice is resonant, each word clipped and sharp. ‘You think Zelle was weak?’ He straightens to his full height, one step carrying him into her space.
Zara stands tall too, looking him in the eye, but I can see the sudden nervousness in her gaze.
‘I said his powers lacked strength, Your Royal Highness, and I stand by that.’