Chapter 56 #2
Another day, another moment, and my mind would have spun at the word. Now, my mind is strangely numb. I shake my head. ‘What rule?’ I say. ‘There are no rules.’
‘Not as a distraction. That’s the one you gave me, remember? Not as a distraction.’
I open my mouth, desperate to object, to say that’s not the reason I want him, that it’s more than desire. It’s a need, a yearning, an absolute desperation.
The pain of his rejection burns through me. A pain that quickly shifts into anger.
‘You’re choosing now to be a gentleman? Seriously? When I actually need you to fuck me, that’s when you find some morals?’
A muscle twitches along his jaw. ‘I was a kid, Thorn—’
‘I’m not talking about my family. I’m talking about Estel’s sister.’ Even as the words leave my lips, I’m not sure why I’m bringing this up. What am I hoping to achieve? I know that causing other people hurt does nothing to minimise my own. And yet I can’t stop myself.
‘Estel’s sister, Thea?’
‘Yeah, the one you got pregnant, although you denied it was yours. The one who was stripped like my family was stripped. Sound familiar?’
‘Rose—’
‘What? You want me to trust you, but you don’t want me to know anything about you. Is that it?’
That muscle ticks again. ‘I don’t know what you’ve heard …’
I scoff. My voice is so bitter I barely recognise it. ‘I told you exactly what I heard. You knew what would happen to her, and you still denied the kid was yours.’
‘Because I wasn’t the father!’ It’s the first time he’s raised his voice, and it’s exactly what I need.
I don’t care how much I want whatever this is between us; all I know right now is that he’s the only person in this arc with the power to truly hurt me, and I need him to do that.
I need him to do that because I deserve it.
I’m the reason Llinos is dead. I deserve to suffer.
And I know Kyor’s never one to back away from a fight.
Yet rather than continuing to battle with me, he lets out a sigh.
‘I knew Thea. Just like I knew Estel. Through balls, through parties, through growing up in the High Hold. But I didn’t get her pregnant. I don’t think I even fucked her.’
‘You don’t think? Wow, Kyor, there’s so many you can’t even recall the names of all the women you’ve bedded? What a gentleman.’
‘That’s not what I meant.’ He rubs his temples as he walks the short distance over to his desk and pulls out the chair, though he doesn’t sit down.
My irritation rises. I need him to either fuck me or tell me to fuck off, and I’ll push him as hard as I have to, to make sure one of those things happens.
‘When I was made commander and first went out to fight, I would get pretty messed up. Drinks, other stuff … whatever the hell I could find. I just wanted to forget what I saw … the blood, the death. So yeah, I screwed around then. And I don’t remember a lot of it.
Am I proud of it? No, but it was years before Thea was stripped of her powers.
’ He moves away from the chair and steps towards me, taking my hands.
‘Look, I get you’re in pain right now. And I know what it’s like to be in pain and want to lash out, so we can go outside and we can beat the shit out of each other if that’s what you want.
Or I can find us something that will get us blind drunk so you can try to forget the fucking nightmare that you’ve just been through, though I’m going to tell you from experience that it’ll just come back and bite you even fucking harder.
’ He sighs. ‘I will do whatever you ask of me, except sleep with you. Not now. Not like this. I don’t want you to regret our first time together. ’
‘You don’t know what I’ll feel.’
‘No, but I can take a guess.’ He moves his hands to my waist. I want it to be the same as before – full static sparks that make us rip each other’s clothes off without a second thought – and there’s definitely something there, but it’s different. Deeper. I need him. I need him so fully it hurts.
‘If you wanna keep saying things to try to hurt me, Thorn, then you do that. I can take it. I can take anything apart from being responsible for causing you any more pain. I’ve caused too much already.’
He lifts his finger and grazes my cheek as he pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. My body yearns for his touch in any way it can get it.
‘You haven’t,’ I whisper, only for a single tear to slip down my cheek.
‘I’m not going anywhere, Thorn. I promise you. We have time.’
A lump lodges hard in my throat, bringing on more tears. I don’t want to let them fall.
‘Will you hold me?’ The words crack from my throat, coming from a place so deep inside of me I didn’t even know it was there.
‘Always,’ he replies.
There is no shame, no embarrassment, and no doubt or second-guessing as I remove my gown and let it fall to the floor.
The slightest gasp catches in his throat as his eyes run over my body, but then he moves over to the chest of drawers, pulls out a shirt, and throws it to me.
I catch it in my hands but don’t immediately put it on. Instead, I take a step towards him.
‘What if tonight is all we get?’ I wonder aloud, my voice a cracking whisper. ‘What if tomorrow is the trial, and—’
He silences me with a kiss, stealing the words from my lips and the air from my lungs. When we break away, his hand brushes through my hair then strokes the small patch of soft skin behind my ear.
‘I will die before I let anything happen to you,’ he says. ‘You have my word.’
I believe him because I can feel it in my bones that he means it. But that still doesn’t answer my question.
‘What if tonight is all we get?’ I ask again.
‘Then I shall spend it holding you,’ he replies. ‘And that will be enough.’
I close my eyes, hearing Llinos’s voice in my ear telling me that this thing between Kyor and me is more than just physical attraction. And damn it, she’s right. She was fucking right.
He lifts my hand to his lips and gently kisses each of my fingertips.
‘Come on, Thorn,’ he says. ‘Lie down. You need sleep.’
I do as he bids and slip under the covers, and a small sigh escapes my lips as he climbs in beside me and wraps his arms around my waist. With his warmth and scent around me, I curl into him. And sleep finally takes me.